It upsets me to hear what a nice time he's having

[Zayna99]

DP is away visiting his 9 year old DD. BM is there also, they meet halfway and stay in hotels. If anyone has read any of my posts, I'm not allowed anywhere near their DD, DP blames mother and says she poisons her DD against me. My name can't even be mentioned in conversation.

He went on Valentines day, which really upset me. Then last night he phoned me and he tells me what they've been doing, and what a nice time they're having. He even said 'it made up for Valentines day'. That hurt.

He says I should be pleased for him that he is getting to see his DD. Of course I am, but I feel like I'm getting my nose rubbed in it. I don't want to hear about what a wonderful time they're having, while I'm binned off and not allowed to be part of any of it.

I haven't done anything wrong. I didn't split him and his ex up, they were already parted when we got together, but his ex hates my guts. I met DD once, with mothers permission last year, and mother freaked out and has forbidden any more visits.

I want to tell him that I don't want to hear about his DD any more. He can't include me when he feels like it but then tell me his DD is nothing to do with me.

I sent some really harsh texts to him last night but I feel so left out, it hurts so much. Good for him that he's having a lovely time, but I'm left here at Christmas, Valentines day and also Easter this year... I don't want to hear what a wonderful time they're all having. Is that wrong?

Zayna, just wanted to say that i also think you are right to be peeved. I'd possibly go a bit further and say that you need to ask him to spend a special occasion with you. Perhaps not Christmas but Easter/Valentines next year? It probably sounds a bit petty but I do think he needs to prove your inportance to him in that sort of way.

I also really think after 3 years his DD could come and stay with both of you on her own especially in the schoold holidays - it would give her some real quality time with her dad. Lots of ex-couples don't get on, but the children have to come first, and that's not happening here even regardless of your situation. Your DP needs to be aware of that - he's risking really alienating his DD in the future if he doesn't sort it out.

DetentionGrrrl, no worries. I posted in a hurry, the story has unravelled as the thread has grown, you weren't to know the full picture at the start. x

Can I jump in a bit late here. Haven't read all the posts but get the general gist of this.

My parents split when I was 10 and my sister 6. My father went on to re-marry the woman he left my mother for. Never did we meet her, neither was she mentioned-ever!

Only after he was diagnosed with a terminal illness last year did we finally get to meet our elusive stepmother. I am now 44 and my sister 40 and after my father's funeral we decided we felt no need to begin to build a relationship with her.

So, you see, it is possible to keep dc's and new partners a secret and speaking from experience, the longer it continues, the less likely you are to get to met her.

There are so many threads that start off well and descend into a bitchfest, it's lovely to see one that has gone the other way!

Zayna, I havwe nothing to add on top of whatever has been said, but I would like to say that I think your dp is a selfish twunt. You come across as a lovely person and you don't deserve this treatment. I think Relate is a great idea. Good luck.

I am close to tears, I really am. I feel justified after all this time being made to feel like the other woman, the guilty party, the selfish cow, the jealous one...

Oh Zayna love, i feel so so sorry for you, and very angry on your behalf.

I think your a saint to have put up with so much crap for so long.

His EX seems like a control freak and right cow tbh, she must know it causes you pain and my guess is she enjoys it. Shwe is being very childish. She is spoiling the extended family her DD could have.
I have added a post i did last week as it was easyer then starting over again, i hope it makes a bit of sence.
Point im making is if you behave like adults then things can work. She needs to grow up.

By kimi on Mon 12-Feb-07 20:34:26
It would seem i have confussed some people with the fact i talk about DH1 and DP.
I have explained it all a few times and find people amazed that DH1 and i are not trying to kill each other and fighting over everything from the sofas to the cats.

So a little re cap.....
DH1 and i were together 21 years married 14 and have two lovely children.
Sadly (maybe because we met so young) we started to grow apart and despite my begging him to go to relate and spending 18 months trying to sort us out we ended up splitting up. I think we were both to blame as there were issues on both sides and a lot of stress.

The boys and i moved out and it was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life so far.
I have a lovely new partner who is great with my boys. New partner and DH1 get on well.
We live 10 mins walk apart the boys see DH1 every day except Tuesday (when he takes my mom shopping, and has dinner with her).
They have 2 bedrooms spend time between both houses. DH1 at the weekends and here on school nights although we change it if we need to. I dont drive as yet so DH1 takes me to do the weekly shop every week.
DH1 comes to dinner most sundays and we all spent Xmas together. Just because DH1 and i are not a couple any more we are and always will be a family. Our children have taken the new situation very well and are happy and doing well in school.
I hope im not too odd, I will always call DH1 DH1 because i feel to call him exh devalues him and our time together.
Are we really that uncommon??
So how do you get on with your Ex?

Oh and by the way, i took very little when i moved out as i did not want to rip the family home apart, sort of doubled up with DS1 having the same type of bed at both homes, and DH1 has the cats

z, i'd feel the same if i were in your shoes. you want to be part of his dd's life, he says no but expects you to share in the reflected enjoyment that you've been barred from! bit too much for anyone to bare i think.

so something's got to change. it does sound to me like he and his ex are implying to his dd that they might get back together even if they aren't in a million years.

this situation isn't fair on you and i think it's time he's realised that it's gone too far.

I am completely with you on this one Zayna but unfortunately I can see it from both sides.

I was in a similar situation with my ex. He had a daughter from a previous relationship but luckily for me it was all very amicable and the little girl even called me 'mummy 2'. I was very close to her and she stayed with us reguarly. I felt a little oddly jealous of having to share P at times but I was only 19/20 at the time so a little immature. It does take a very strong person to go into that situation and I spent a lot of time gritting my teeth and feeling left out.

On the other hand, I had a daughter with P when I was 22 and we split up 8 weeks after she was born. I'm with somebody else now and she sees her biological father reguarly but she calls my partner Daddy and is very close to him. It was all tickety-boo until ex-P got a girlfriend.

The thought of somebody else playing Mummy to my child made me feel physically ill. I would never stop her seeing her Dad on agreed terms but seeing her being driven away by Him and her made me want to commit murder. Mothers instinct or plain old psycho? I dont know- but thank god they arent together anymore for her own safety!!

Sorry to waffle, ultimately I agree with some other posts on here- ultimatum. Its all or nothing I'm afraid or you will play second place forever.

zayna can you tell us the distances involved? Just how far is it that they have to meet half way? I could understand this for weekends, but surely for holidays she could come and stay with you.

Zanya, it sounds as if his ex is not just twisting him around her finger, but his entire family too. The ex probably knows that she could make access to her daughter very difficult if she wanted to for your DP and his family.

My guess is that they are terrified of potentially loosing contact with her(I can't imagine how this feels for your poor DP actually )which is why they are willing to go along with her demands and continue to alienate you in the little girls presence.

Of course your DP is over the moon when he sees his daughter, it must be such a precious time for him and why shouldn't he want to share this excitement with you.

The last thing he needs is to be given an ultimatum . His ex is pulling in him in one direction and I think it would be cruel of you to try and pull him in another.

I think that you just have to accept he has 'baggage' so to speak (I man his ex, not his dd!) and that you have to share him.

Next time he goes away, why not plan some special time for yourself, apamper or night out with friends. Be happy for him when he calls to share his joy and try not to show your hurt.

FWIW, I don't think you are being selfish per se, but a little bit immature imo.

But it's more than just going along with the x's wishes about contact. Zayna's dp tells her himself that his child is nothing to do with her, and says that he won't tell his dd about Zayna as it'll break her heart. I don't get the impression that Zayna has a problem with "sharing him", it's that she's being excluded and he doesn't seem to give any thought to how hurtful it must be for her.

How are you doing Zayna?

The vast majority of separated parents want their new partners to be involved in their children's lives ..... indeed, if a new partner refused to have anything to do with their DP's kids, it would probably finish the relationship.

It seems very very odd that Zayna's DP doesn't want her to share such an important thing to him.

Hope you're okay Zayna.

Thanks for asking, and for continuing to support me.. I'm grateful for all replies, even if sometimes folk tell me to grow up.. maybe I should.

Well DP is home, and hasn't talked about his trip. He's just gone off to his mum and dad's for an hour, and asked if I wanted to come. I politely said that if it was going to be a two hour DDfest, then I'd rather not, I've other things I can be doing. He was ok with that. I think it's the only way forward.

He won't share, so I don't want to hear about his 'other' life, which is what he has created. His reasoning is beyond me and also bizarre to every other person I have ever told the story to. The mother has serious issues which everyone knows about, and everyone has to walk on eggshells with her and pussyfoot around her. He can't see that the child is 50% his. Mother is in charge, what she says, goes. The DD hasn't seen her grandparents or aunts & uncles for 12 months because mother won't let her out of her sight.

The poor child is not living a normal life, it's tragic. She hasn't many friends where she lives because every time mother falls out with one of her few friends, DD is not allowed to socialise with the child of mother's ex-friend, IYSWIM, so is then picked on at school.

I've had a crap weekend because on top of all this, my sister, who I thought was my best friend, has fallen out with me in a big way (long story, not connected with this one) so right now I feel like I can't please anybody and I'm wondering wtf is so wrong with me, I thought I was a nice person...

Oh well. Back to work tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it, it's the only place I feel content these days...

hi zayna just briefly read through the posts. sorry your having a hard time with your situation.

My situation isn't the same as yours but i can relate a little bit. Me and dp have been together over a year and i haven't met his 3 kids yet and it is really killing me now. Our relationship revolves around them as when he gets time with them i cant see dp. i didn't get to spend xmas or valentines with him and all the half term week i haven't seen him. Cant even text much in case his boys get suspicious. It is really doing my head in a lot because i feel im always waiting and being left out and dropped whenever it suits.

he tells me all about what they have been up to and i act interested but really i am so envious it is horrible. i feel really selfish feeling like this but i cant help it and it doesn't seem like anything is going to change any time soon.

I wrote him a long letter the other day explaining my feelings which i will give him tomorrow night when i see him

hopefully it will have some effect. Maybe if you wrote your dh a letter. It will hopefully make you feel better getting it all out and might make him understand you a bit better.

I really do think that if your partner genuinely loves you, but, for whatever reason, has chosen to compartmentalise a very important part of his life, that he should at least be willing to attend counselling with you in an effort to either help you come to terms with that decision, or, and more importantly, reach a compromise which is fair to everyone.

The current situation seems to be - "This is the way things are going to be, like it or lump it", which is hugely unfair. You have said that he is being effectively emotionally blackmailed by the mother, but I can't help feeling there might be a little bit more to it than that in view of the remarks he's made about his daughter's possible reaction to finding out about you.

I personally don't think it's good enough for him to say that ex's word rules because he's afraid contact would otherwise be stopped. I can understand his fear, but he should be seeking advice and taking steps to ensure that he can and will continue to see his daughter, irrespective of you being introduced and/or "revealed" to her, and the ex's subsequent reaction.

If the ex is renowned for causing people to pussyfoot around her, it's hightime someone stood up to her. I firmly believe that emotional blackmail is a form of bullying and that the longer it's allowed to go on, the more brazen & demanding the bully gets. However, as I said before, can't help thinking there is more to this than "just" fear of what the ex will say or do. Have you ever sat DP down and asked him to explicitly explain how his daughter views the current situation ? What sort of relationship does she believe her parents to be in (or not)? Has some sort of "living a lie" type situation been created to "protect" her ? ....

..... or what about him ? Does he carry huge feelings of "guilt" because his daughter is from a broken home ? Is he a particularly religious person, who, for example, might be feeling crucified by the fact his marriage failed ..... which might now account for his bending over backwards for the ex ?

I really do think counselling - were he willing - might help these sorts of issues come to the fore, whereupon a future course of action for both of you would hopefully become clearer.

But again, can you really put up with this for years to come (with no proposed end in sight) ? Having the person closest to you deny you exist must be so terribly soul-destroying.

There is nothing remotely immature about wanting a full, honest relationship with a man and wanting to be part of his whole life. To suggest otherwise is RUBBISH. Of course she wants to share her dp - what she doesn't want is to be completely excluded from a major part of his life. And for me, that would be a complete deal breaker in a relationship.

I cannot understand why he thinks it doesn't matter. Then my head goes round and round and I start thinking he's right - his DD is nothing to do with me, why should I be bothered if he goes to visit her for a few days every few weeks?

I'm a mess.

On top of all this, he wants me to give up my job and sell my house and move away with him. He has lived in lovely houses in the countryside and wants it all again, he hates where we live now (in my house), and hates his job and wants to start afresh.

How can I? Or maybe I should. I cannot sleep, I have indigestion. I can't stop crying. I have not heard from my sister either, she upset me dreadfully this weekend, sent a text to me by accident, it was meant for her partner, and it said some really derogatory things about me.

I seem to try and try to please everybody and end up getting shit on. And the sad part is, I've lost sight of what it is that I want out of my life, and I wonder why I'm here, and can't be bothered with it any more.

If I were in this situation and my partner was behaving like this I am sorry there is no way I would give up my job and home to suit him.

I can totally understand not wanting to introduce your child to every person you see after a break up but once you get past the year mark it becomes more than a casual relationship.

?he wants?. And what is it you want?

The more I hear about this man, the more I get the feeling he wants everything on his terms, and the more I think you do not have an equal part in this relationship. He doesn?t want you to have a part in his daughter?s life, he wants you to sell your house, to quit your job, so that he can move to where he wants and have the life that he wants. So where does what you want fit into all this?

Aside from the issues regarding his dd, you should be an equal partner in this relationship, and at the moment you are certainly not being treated as such.

I would have a very long think about whether this man is really worth all the pain he puts you through, because at the moment he certainly doesn?t appear to respect you as his equal partner, and you really could do so much better.

He says that for the last two and a half years he's given everything up for me, and done everything I want to do, and now it's his turn... he wants to do something with me, something together. However, when I ask what I'm supposed to do with myself when I'm binned off due to his visits to DD, he goes berserk, says it's all I think about, there'll come a time when DD is in our lives and mother has to lump it...

I can't win. I don't really want to WIN at anything, I want a normal effing life, is it too much to ask?

is he right? has he given up everything for you?

you could do so much better then this sodding arsehole, really you could.

I really think your dp should go for custody of his dd her mother sounds toxic. He at the very least should get regular contact formalised and it should stipulate that he is allowed to have her in his current home with o=you there. The courts would look very badly on her attitude generally.

Sorry you are having a hard time especially with your sister. Are you just too nice and put up with too much? Perhaps you need to put yourself first and spend some time thinking about what you want in 1, 3, 5 years time etc.

You've put up with too much and I think you deserve more.

Were he and his mad ex married?
He has rights to see his chlid.
Speak with the CAB