It upsets me to hear what a nice time he's having

[Zayna99]

DP is away visiting his 9 year old DD. BM is there also, they meet halfway and stay in hotels. If anyone has read any of my posts, I'm not allowed anywhere near their DD, DP blames mother and says she poisons her DD against me. My name can't even be mentioned in conversation.

He went on Valentines day, which really upset me. Then last night he phoned me and he tells me what they've been doing, and what a nice time they're having. He even said 'it made up for Valentines day'. That hurt.

He says I should be pleased for him that he is getting to see his DD. Of course I am, but I feel like I'm getting my nose rubbed in it. I don't want to hear about what a wonderful time they're having, while I'm binned off and not allowed to be part of any of it.

I haven't done anything wrong. I didn't split him and his ex up, they were already parted when we got together, but his ex hates my guts. I met DD once, with mothers permission last year, and mother freaked out and has forbidden any more visits.

I want to tell him that I don't want to hear about his DD any more. He can't include me when he feels like it but then tell me his DD is nothing to do with me.

I sent some really harsh texts to him last night but I feel so left out, it hurts so much. Good for him that he's having a lovely time, but I'm left here at Christmas, Valentines day and also Easter this year... I don't want to hear what a wonderful time they're all having. Is that wrong?

Just to answer a couple of questions, he and his ex were never married. In actual fact they were never really boyfriend and girlfriend, she latched onto him as he had just broken up from his fiancee, and would turn up at his house with bottles of wine. She told him she was on the pill, and she wasn't. And bingo, she got herself a child and a man. And he knows it takes two to tango which is why he stood by her and the child till he could stand it no longer, he left because they were fighting so much it upset DD.

He says he has given up a lovely lifestyle in the country because I won't move and give up my job...says he has given up his house in France (he hasn't - it's still there waiting to be renovated and he now admits, when he's feeling charitable, that I was right, he couldn't have ever lived there because he wouldn't be able to see DD often enough) He only ONCE said he'd given up his daughter for me, he didn't dare say it again. I'm afraid I verbally battered him senseless for that one.

He knows he can be an awkward, ranting man. He wants The Good Life and wants it with me, and cannot understand why I get so worked up about not having his DD in my life. Sometimes, I can't understand it either. Why can't I just ignore it all?

I think I feel some kind of paranoia, it's like there's this whole secret life going on behind my back. He says he has no secrets, but why then did I only get to find out he was going away on Valentines day and not the day after by finding a hotel confirmation? Even then he didn't tell me till a couple of days before, when I asked if he wanted to go out on Valentines night or stay in and I'd cook us a lovely meal...

I can't see a way forward. I would dearly love to sell my house and buy one with him. I'm sick of owning my own house and being responsible for all the bills. He chips in with money, but the responsibility and the house and the bills are all mine, he just lives with me.

Why does this all have to be so effing difficult? We both have our health and at the moment, so does everyone around us. Having lost dear friends and dear relatives in the last couple of years, I think we should be grateful for what we've got and bloody well sort the crap out.

I feel a bit more positive today. I'm taking him out for tea tonight and I want to say some stuff. I find it hard to talk to him, he's a ranter, not a listener. I'm still very upset about my sister, I haven't heard from her, not so much as a text to say sorry, so she either isn't sorry or she's lying low and is as heartbroken as me.

Sometimes I think I am too nice. The folk that are tough and tell it like it is seem to fall on their feet. I can see it is going to have to be me who makes the first move with my sister, though it shouldn't be...

What do you want from YOUR life? Do you want to be married? Do you want children? How old are you? CLose your eyes and imagine yourself at 40. Where would you like to be? What kind of house/relationship/family? Where does your partner fit into all this?

I'm 45, so there won't be any more children. It doesn't bother me, I never met a man I could trust to look after me and a child, and always saw myself as getting 'lumbered', so I made sure I never had any. And DP never wanted any either - DD wasn't planned by him.

What do I want out of life? A faithful loving man to share my life with. A nice home, shared with aforementioned man. A couple of holidays a year and nice times with family and friends. That would include DD if it could happen, the chap I went out with before DP had three DDs, two teenagers and a 10 year old, and we got on like a house on fire and had some great times.

I don't want much out of life, really. I have a good job which I have built up from nothing, I earn good money and want that to continue for as long as it can. I enjoy my work and love my job, which is why I don't want to give it up. I find the way he talks about my job very disrespectful, and I tell him this, but he keeps on and on about it.

"I'm sick of owning my own house and being responsible for all the bills. He chips in with money, but the responsibility and the house and the bills are all mine, he just lives with me."

"She loves him, has fun with him, he provides her with tons of presents every time he visits her, but she doesn't KNOW him."

"He says he has no secrets, but why then did I only get to find out he was going away on Valentines day and not the day after by finding a hotel confirmation?"

"He says he has given up a lovely lifestyle in the country because I won't move and give up my job...says he has given up his house in France (he hasn't - it's still there waiting to be renovated and he now admits, when he's feeling charitable, that I was right, he couldn't have ever lived there because he wouldn't be able to see DD often enough)"

This man isn't a man. He's playing at it. He won't confront his ex to work out a decent relationship with his child, he won't ensure she sees her own grandparents, he won't stand up for his own partner, he won't pay the bills.

He gets a woman at home who loves him and keeps a roof over his head, but he abuses her by whining about the fantasy life he could have had. He gets a dream existence every so long in a hotel in a happy family situation but no real honest relationship with his daughter.

Does he have any commitment to anything???

I never answered the 'do you want to be married' bit.

Yes, I do. I was married when I was 21, divorced at 27, my husband and I weren't suited. I liked being married though, strange as that may seem.

Believe it or not, I'd marry this guy tomorrow. I would be proud to have him as my husband. It ain't going to happen though is it? Can you imagine?

Cappuccino, that was the nail on the head...

sorry if I was harsh

it's just reading your posts, everything is everyone else's fault and he takes no responsibility

he was tricked into having a baby. he has to lie about you because his ex is a madwoman. he can't go to France because of you.

I think if you are going to stay with him then whoever suggested counselling was dead right

don't get walked on

Cappuccino, you weren't harsh, I appreciate your comments, you've read all my woes and also read between the lines, you're very astute (as are a lot of people on here) and I appreciate every word.

I wish you could come and sit behind me in the pub tonight and feed me some lines...

I suspect if you did move for him and give up your job for him, he would somehow think it was all your fault that his life still wasn't perfect and you didn't have much money. Think Cap is absolutely spot on that everything is always someone else's fault.

What struck a chord with me Zayna was you saying "oh well, back to work, it's the only place I feel happy these days" .

What if you give that up too and move to the country and things are still not right?

Sorry, but he just doesn't seem to be treating you with much respect. Telling you at such short notice that he isn't going to be around isn't on. Surely he must have known long before that he was planning to try to see his daughter during half term? Even if it had fallen through he could have forewarned you.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it doesn't sound like much of a partnership to me.

I don't know why I'm so weak with him. No, that's not it. He makes my head spin. I don't know whether it's me that's wrong, or him, or both. Sometimes I just think I should keep going, pretend DD and ex don't exist, and just enjoy my life and the life I have with him, ignoring the 5% that he spends with DD.

But then I can't stand knowing that ex rings him up and arranges things, and it's all done behind my back - which is what I want, he says, and I do, but I hate it, and round and round and round...

"He wants The Good Life and wants it with me, and cannot understand why I get so worked up about not having his DD in my life. Sometimes, I can't understand it either. Why can't I just ignore it all?"

How can he not understand that you find it difficult when he is away EVERY Christmas, Easter and Valentines day? What does he expect you to do while he is away?

I think you would find it a little easier to accept if he spent some of these special times with you and saw his daughter at different times when you could be at work (not that you should accept it at all if you are unhappy, of course)

Why did he have to see his child aon valentines day? Ok Easter and Christmas, but Valentines day?
I think you have to point out to him that it is all or nothing.
Tell him you have no problem with him seeing his child but you will not put up with the underhanded way he does it.
If he is going to make arrangements then he has to tell you BEFORE he makes them, if he wants a future with you then he has to tell hiss DD you exist, i mean is she the second coming of the lord or something and we must all bow down to her?
And as for her mad mother does she have a new partner? Or is she the virgin mary, or keeping her men as a secret from the chlid.
I think you are so much nicer then i would be, if i was in your situation i would be tempted to ring the child or turn up at their cosy little family meetings and say hi im your dads partner we live together and have done for xxx years, its nice to meet you i hope we can be friends.
Once the genie is out of the bottle it aint easy to put back in.

Valentines day - that's when he travelled up, they were meeting first thing the next morning... they are miles apart and met in the middle.

Last night was horrible. I can't remember how the conversation started but he jumped in on me, shot me down in flames saying that mother doesn't want another woman in DDs life, and he can't blame her for that... not wanting a 'stand-in'... and he ranted on and on and on saying I have just got to lump it and he wishes I'd shut the f**k up about it.

How very rude and obnoxious. It is completely impossible to speak to him and get a word in edgeways, the only thing I managed was to say 'are you not worried that mother is going to turn DD into a freak by hiding her away from us and her grandparents' and he said no, his DD was doing really well, and never mind me, in front of me are the grandparent and the aunts and uncles.

I don't know why I don't walk away. I have booted bigger blokes than this out of my front door, but for some reason, I want to hang onto this one. Shoot me. Please.

given his response, i would end it. i know it's not my place to say that, and it's easier said than done, but he is making his EX's feelings more important than yours. You've invested 3yrs for this?

Message withdrawn

sorry to say i think the writing's on the wall.

He always turns it around and says spare a thought for him, it's him who has to travel hundreds of miles all the time and put up with the situation, and cowtow to his ex, and I should be supporting him not giving him grief. I should feel sorry for him, he misses his DD and if he could be with her now he would be.

As he hasn't introduced you to the most important person in his life, then it looks as if he's just using you, and at the moment you are not featured in his future plans
Apologies if this sounds harsh, but it is how I see it.

I know I couldn't go on for much longer like this, and would probably quietly start preparing to change the situation. Be as selfish as he is.

I do hope this is resolved one way or another xx

I have a friend who has followed this saga, and keeps telling me to hang in there, ignore the ex and the child because one day DD will be old enough to travel on her own, will realise what's been going on all the years, will see me and find it impossible not to like me, and I will reap rewards for my patience...

I have to say that though I paint a very black picture, I have met my fair share of nobheads in my 45 years on this planet, and DP has a lot of qualities that I love. It will be hard to let go of this one and I think I will live to regret it, even though it doesn't look that way at the moment...

I wish you could edit your posts because I always want to add something after I've hit the button...

One of the things I did say last night but didn't manage to finish my sentence, I said I thought that he and his ex were as bad as each other, keeping DD out of the way in case they hurt her feelings. What I wanted to add was that will DD thank them in a few years when her grandparents are both dead and she missed the last years of their life due to her parents being ridiculous...

Grandparents are both in their 80s, they find it too much to go and visit, the trip is too long. DD needs to come and visit them, but mother won't allow DD to come here any more because of me...

"one day DD will be old enough to travel on her own, will realise what's been going on all the years, will see me and find it impossible not to like me, and I will reap rewards for my patience..."

it's not his dd that you're waiting to grow up, it's him.

And if he wants to be with his dd why isn't he arguing for better access rights so that she can come and stay with you both for weekends rather than him having to go to a hotel every time?

you should be supportive when he is too spineless to stick up for himself with his ex?

I don't often join in on these kind of threads cos they make me angry. Chuck him out. Your conversation last night sounds to me as if he is deeply disrespectful to your feelings and your place in his life

get rid. just get well rid

FFS- are you meant to wait until she's 18 until you're allowed to meet her? Or will her mother still not allow that? Are you ever going to have family time together? How old do you think she has to be before you and DP are a 'proper' couple? And what if you spend the next, what, 15 years hoping it'll improve, and it never does, and you've wasted your time?

I'm angry on your behalf.

3 years is enough. He is making the mother's feelings more important than yours. She needs to get a grip, and he needs to grow some balls.

Surely you are worth more than this?

as someone who grew up with divorced parents, I think you're kidding yourself that it's going to be all happy families when she gets older

you see your absent dad less when you grow up. Especially when he has failed completely to be a meaningful (by which I mean regular, every day, not just turning up with treats and presents several times a year) part of your life

I don't mean 'every day' as in 'every day', just to clarify

I mean every day as in everyday life. Hotel life's not it.