It upsets me to hear what a nice time he's having

[Zayna99]

DP is away visiting his 9 year old DD. BM is there also, they meet halfway and stay in hotels. If anyone has read any of my posts, I'm not allowed anywhere near their DD, DP blames mother and says she poisons her DD against me. My name can't even be mentioned in conversation.

He went on Valentines day, which really upset me. Then last night he phoned me and he tells me what they've been doing, and what a nice time they're having. He even said 'it made up for Valentines day'. That hurt.

He says I should be pleased for him that he is getting to see his DD. Of course I am, but I feel like I'm getting my nose rubbed in it. I don't want to hear about what a wonderful time they're having, while I'm binned off and not allowed to be part of any of it.

I haven't done anything wrong. I didn't split him and his ex up, they were already parted when we got together, but his ex hates my guts. I met DD once, with mothers permission last year, and mother freaked out and has forbidden any more visits.

I want to tell him that I don't want to hear about his DD any more. He can't include me when he feels like it but then tell me his DD is nothing to do with me.

I sent some really harsh texts to him last night but I feel so left out, it hurts so much. Good for him that he's having a lovely time, but I'm left here at Christmas, Valentines day and also Easter this year... I don't want to hear what a wonderful time they're all having. Is that wrong?

I agree with Bozza - and feel there have been some harsh comments made to you. Your dp has made a choice to be with you, and 3 years is a long time to be kept in the shadows. My dh has a dd from his first marriage and her mother is also very controlling and jealous. My dh suggested when we first got together that it would be better (for him and dd if I stayed out of the way at first, which I hated but understood). When we decided to move in together, he then went and spoke to ex about our relationship and that I would start to be introduced to his dd.

I completely understand how you feel, and do agree that you must try to get dp to understand how you feel and that 3 years is a serious relationship and you want to get to know his dd.

Sadly, a lot of men live in fear of upsetting their ex's where children are involved as they are scared they will lose contact and that the ex will make life very difficult for them. The fact that your dp can only see his dd with her mother present too (why can't he spend time with her alone?) indicates that she wants access on her terms or not at all, so can understand why dp would be worried about rocking the boat.

The bottom line is he is with you now, and he should be prepared to integrate you into that part of his life is he thinks you are in a long term relationship. Maybe you need to think about how you would feel if you were in the same situation in 10 years, or if you have children together in the future.

Come on, she's 9, she will realise full well he has a girlfriend and that her mum is banning her from seeing the girlfriend. As she grows older she'll become more independent and I wouldn't be surprised if she ends up wanting to come and stay and meet you properly. In any normal situation, she would come and stay with her dad in his own place and she must smell a rat that that isn't happening.

ayna I really feel for you and I don't think you're at all unreasonable to mind - after three years, you should be introduced to your DP's child and accepted by his family. The valentine's day thing would have really hurt me too - although all in all I think it is right that DP puts his child first, there are ways and means of doing it more sensitively. You can apologise for the texts and calmly explain that you still find all this difficult and you would love nothing more than to be allowed to be part of the family and get to know his DD one day - then leave it at that. Gradually this situation will have to change - by the time she's 18 if not before.

hmm. i missed the hotel issue. i wouldn't be happy with them meeting at a hotel. why don't they meet at the child's home / his home? relations can't be that bad between the mother and him if they tolerate being at a hotel together.

the poor child- imagine seeing your dad only at hotels

is he afraid that if he doesn't follow her orders, she will cut off contact? i can understand him sidelining you for that i'm afraid- it must be a scary prospect.

ayna = Zayna, sorry!

Zayna, did you ever write the letter to your dp explaining how you felt?

Your dp currently has the best of both worlds, he has you at home, and his daughter on access visits, and not only that, he gets to play happy families with his dd and his ex wife and he considers it ok that you?re not a part of that. More to the point, he considers it ok for you to be a little secret from his dd. You are not a priority in his life, by excluding you from this part of his life he has shown that he is not prepared to make a long-term commitment to you. If you love someone, you want that someone to share your life, that is all your life, not just the bits that your ex wife says are ok.

I would seriously question your future with this man. Three years is a long time, and IMO if he hasn?t been able to stand up to his ex after all this time I think it?s highly unlikely he will ever do so in the future.

Think about the way things are now. is this really how you want to live for the rest of your life? What will happen when his dd gets older and the visits happen on her terms? One day she will be an adult, and then they won?t be visiting in hotel rooms, she will be driving to see her father, will you be expected to get out of the way then too to protect her?

The longer he keeps up the lie, the harder it will be for him, to the extent that even if he does tell her, it?ll all have to be shrouded in lies so as not to reveal the fact he?s been with you for as long as he has.

Think about what future you really have together if this continues. You can do so much better.

his ex is trying to hurt you for soem reason, any problems she causes between you and your partner will be all the more success to her
He can fight this legally you know
My cousins dp, had exactly this, the mother poisoned her two dd's 7 and 9 against my cousin and her ds. He was newly separated and cousin was also quite recently separated but they decided they were serious and moved in together, they also work in the same industry.
He drove 200 miles every weekend to see his dd's as his ex would not allow them to stay with him and my cousin in their house.
When it came to court as he took it to court, the judge was astonished and said the mother had to move on and would be in comtempt of a court order if she maintained this course.
So he could contest it but please it's his dd, try not to be bitter - but agree can totally see how intolerable it is for you

Yes he is afraid of mother cutting contact, but surely she is not allowed to do that? DP hasn't done anything wrong - he left his ex because they didn't, in fact hadn't ever got along and their arguing and fighting was upsetting DD. But because he chose to leave, he thinks a court would rule against him.

He sometimes does go and visit her at her home, but stays in a hotel then and not at ex's house. They live hundreds of miles apart and that's why they sometimes meet halfway. He insists they have separate rooms, but they all still go out together and have dinner together like a family. It just seems so wrong. It's a nice idea, to try to keep everything on an even keel and all that, but surely it must be confusing the child and even giving her false hope that one day daddy will be returning home. Neither of them have ever actually told her he has left for good. He doesn't know what mother tells DD if she ever asks why daddy doesn't live with them. She could think he's just working away, for all he knows...

has he not explained anything about his life to the daughter?!

Zanya - there is no reason why he shouldn't take legal advice if his ex starts playing up. My dh went to court to get a contact order put in place for his access to dd. At the end of the day though, it is a long process (and a costly one) especially if his ex is not the sort to be reasonable and agree things like a civilized adult.

He should not let himself be controlled by this woman - he has a right to time with his child without all the lies and game playing.

Did the ex specify valentine's day - possibly deliberately to spite you? Yes your DP is being quite spineless but the more I hear about this, the more I'm sorry for him too!

Again I say, she's 9, and presumably not clueless about what's going on. And she's only going to get older and wiser.

has he not explained anything about his life to the daughter?!

No. She loves him, has fun with him, he provides her with tons of presents every time he visits her, but she doesn't KNOW him.

Zanya - could you show your dp this thread? All this advice is great, but if he is never going to be tough enough to stand up to her and say that he has had enough of the contrived life they are all leading, then there is not much point discussing his rights etc.

I know how hard this is for you, and how easy it is to get angry with your dp, but try to stay calm and be as understanding as you can. A total fear of being cut out from his dd's life is at the heart of his behaviour, and while this is hard to accept, a good dad (which he obv is to put up with all this) will take no end of crap from an ex if it means he can continue to have a relationship with his dd.

I do worry about the effect this will all have on her as she grows older. She'll look back on her childhood and feel it was all a lie - can you persuade him to talk to his ex with this point in mind.

... I thought that ^ thing put text into italics, sorry... I was trying to quote Detentiongrrrl...

this just sounds crap for all 3 of you now. i think when he gets back it's time for a heart to heart. if he doesn't stand up to her, and things don't change, can you carry on like this?

PoppiesMum, showing him this thread would be a belting idea, except that he thinks the internet is rubbish and that all the people on it are weirdos...

I can't win with him. He is very opinionated and thinks that he is right and everybody else is wrong.

I make him sound like a horrible man, and can't blame any of you for wondering why I am with him. But I have to say, the rest of the relationship is wonderful and deep down, he has a big heart.

Also, I am 46 and he is 49. There won't be any more children, and if only I could get over this hurdle, if only his dd was older, which one day she will be...

TBH Zayna I think both parents are digging their own graves. So one day she finds out that her mother is lying and manipulative, but at the same time she finds out that her father is also lying and weak. How good is she going to feel on that day? Your DP is making excuses.

"He is very opinionated and thinks that he is right and everybody else is wrong" - Zayna that describes my DP exactly too, yet he's a lovely man - so I know how it can be and I'm not wondering why you're with him. It just sounds as if your DP and his ex have handled this whole thing badly, and since she has the ultimate power over him (cutting off contact) he can't see any option but to obey her. The best strategy is probably to be as calm, sane and loving as you can be (I know that's very hard, especially with the v-day thing!) and encourage him to open up to you and say how much you would liek to get to know DD - ask about her, how she's doing and if there's anything you can do to make the situation easier. He has to see that you knowing her would be a good thing.

Im quite shocked that (as usual) people are being judgemental and calling you selfish.

I dont see his ex's problem if you didnt split them up (if you had I would say you reap what you sow)

I think he is insensitive and spineless...this situation is not doing his daugher any favours...she is just being used as a power trip by his ex - im sure the valentines day get together would have been deliberate.

Maybe it is time for your DP to be a man and stand up to her. How many times do we read that new partners want to exclude children from previous relationships...for his DD to have a good relationship with you would be beneficial for all of you, if it was me and he was not willing to consider this I am sorry but I think he would be out...but then I am a bit of a feisty chick!

Snowleopard, I don't think he thinks it would be a good thing for me to be in his DDs life. He thinks it would "break her little heart." His exact words.

I think you've got a tough job convincing him to come around to your way of thinking if I'm honest.

Are you happy to accept that this is how your relationship will always be?

PoppiesMum, I could accept it, yes. If only I didn't have to hear all about his DD, and how well she's doing, and how well mother is doing bringing her up on her own... I wish I never had to hear the ex or the DDs name mentioned ever again. So I guess no, I can't accept it in that case, because he's never going to stop talking about her, is he?

She IS his daughter, so yes, talking about her is inevitable You got involved with a man with a child, and have to accept the baggage that this brings. It does complicate relationships, but couples do cope with it if they are in it together, which you 2 are not.

Like I said earlier, he is completely scared of losing his daughter and will do whatever it takes to maintain that relationship. However, he also got involved with you, and as such should be a bit more considerate about the effect it all has on you.

You both really need to talk. Could some sessions with Relate help? If nothing else, it gives the 2 of you the opportunity to talk and be listened to without it descending into a row.

I agree with Bozza and others,
This man needs to grow up himself than his dd. I just cant belive some1 in relatioship, spent most of the holidays and celebrations with his dd and ex. Tbh, you are being patient enough, to be invisible, 3 years is life not a waste. Sorry i feel quite angry about the fact he treated you last night. We need good talking it cant be continied like this in the future, you will be hurt, they expect you be quite and they enjoy their special time.
Hope you are ok, and i feel for you

oops, i meant to say you need to talk not we

I would give him an ultimatum tbh. Either everything is iut in the open or r'ship over. He cant let his ex dictate yoiyr lives