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Original poster

Ex has called the police on me!

300 replies

Notmyweek · 01/12/2016 21:59

So I've just received a letter from the police stating that my ex has called them due to me harassing him!

They've said they aren't going to arrest me but want to see me to get my side of the story!

Is he fucking serious??!! Only last week I had to call them because of his abuse and weirdness and now he's called them!

Yes I've contacted him since but only regarding our child.....wtaf??

His sister has even been in contact with me! Yet I'm now being told I'm harassing him??

I'm pregnant! I don't need all this stress, how can he do this?? I genuinely believed he loved me once, obviously I was wrong...who calls the police on their pregnant ex??

OP posts:
FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 05/12/2016 07:51

This thread will end in tears.

AllPartOfThePlan · 05/12/2016 07:54

We've got the same twat ex! Because he's a narcissistic arrogant abusive cunt, that's why. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It's life changing.

Original poster
Notmyweek · 05/12/2016 08:43

Appreciate your "advice" however I am having MY opinion yet am being accused of being aggressive!

It works both ways, you get to say your bit and I am within my right to say whether I agree or not.

On one occasion myself and my darling ex partner! We're playing as we used too however I put my hand up to his face as he put his head down and I caught the corner of his eye and he slapped me in the face, nothing accidental about it.

Another occasion we were sat on the sofa and I was stroking his face whilst talking & he grabbed my leg so hard that I kicked out to get him off me & his excuse was, I don't like my face being stroked it's annoying (hasn't said it before!)

I am not having CBT for the break up, it was something I had been referred for beforehand.

The other "harassment" was not a caution, it was a warning however it has no legal standing whatsoever.

OP posts:
SlottedSpoon · 05/12/2016 09:30

I'll ask the question again:

You said upthread that you went to his house to speak to him about your unborn child and he grabbed you and screamed in your face. What exactly happened during that encounter?

Original poster
Notmyweek · 05/12/2016 09:42

I walked into his room, he asked me to leave I said I just wanted to talk to him about our son....he started pacing the room like a man on crack...then came the screaming like he was being stabbed!

He grabbed me, pushed me up against the door and told me to move :/ please tell me how pushing someone against the door you want to walk through helps to move them?

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmyweek · 05/12/2016 09:43

Please don't question me like this is a police interview, it's unnecessary and quite frankly rude!

You can make your judgment on my life all you like hence I put this thread on here however I won't stand for the way you put things, you aren't a jury in a court so please back off and don't be so demanding.

OP posts:
SlottedSpoon · 05/12/2016 10:05

Sorry I don't mean to interrogate you and I agree it did come across like that. I am just trying to understand what happened that is all. I think I get it now.

Branleuse · 05/12/2016 10:10

youve done all you can. The best thing to do now is to NOT put his name on the birth certificate, unless you want to be told where you can and cant live for the next 18 years and to have your life dictated to

Branleuse · 05/12/2016 10:10

and you shouldnt be contacting his friends and colleagues, whether its about the baby or not

Original poster
Notmyweek · 05/12/2016 11:41

Update: Have just spoken to the police, he isn't worried at all.

He's not pursuing this incident, he even asked me how I'd like to proceed!

He simply asked a few questions but wasn't really fussed to be fair, he was exactly how I expected him to be.

I advised that although my ex called them that I'd like him to make my ex aware that I want no contact at all, not even once the baby is born and should he feel he has a "right" then to contact me through a solicitor.

He is happy that as no contact has been made since the 21st, that he is happy to relay the info and advise my ex that should he contact me then he could be arrested.

Also! I informed him that as I made contact only about our baby that it isn't classed as harassment and understood my reasons.

Nothing is on my record and he is satisfied with the outcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmyweek · 05/12/2016 11:42

That was meant to say he agreed it wasn't exactly harassment as there is a unborn baby involved.

OP posts:
JustAnotherPoster00 · 05/12/2016 11:54

Feel free to be honest OP because you're not being honest right now, I dont believe a word of your last post.

MrsBertBibby · 05/12/2016 12:02

I don't see why you wouldn't believe her about the police's attitude, it sounds completely predictable to me.

From a family lawyer's perspective, OP, ignore him from now on, contact the CMS about maintenance when the baby is born, register your baby on your own with your choice of name, and if he decides that now he wants to play dad, let him go through the courts.

Try not to let him push your buttons any more, it's fun for him, but horrid for you, and awful for your baby.

Good luck.

Bluntness100 · 05/12/2016 12:14

Ok, I think you need to calm down, your posts are all over the place, from trying desperately to arrange contact and joint scan visits etc to never having him involved in your child's life and blocking him within a space of days, It's crazy, angry, defensive, confused the lot. And no pregnancy doesn't really do that to a person.

Your relationship is over. You are pregnant and choosing to keep the child. At some point you and the father will need to agree on finances and visitation rights. In the meantime you need to step back and try to behave rationally.

Original poster
Notmyweek · 05/12/2016 12:56

Firstly, you can believe my post about the police or not, I'm not fussed....I've been truthful and that was exactly what the police officer said.

The phone call lasted exactly 5 minutes and he left it as "don't contact each other" not much else to post on!

Secondly, I contacted him about our child as he previously begged me not to cut him out and let him be there, he has now decided that his life is better without myself and his child involved, that is something I am now fine with however due to the recent events, I can't forgive him for how he has handled this whole situation and have come to realise just how toxic and dysfunctional he actually is....hence the reason for the dissent cut of contact.

We don't need to discuss access or contact when the baby is born. As the police officer will be advising him to consult a solicitor and make contact that way (don't have to speak with him then) & il be going through CMS so again, no contact from him either!

When it all first happened I made some choices based on how I was feeling, you know being left with the prospect of bringing up a baby alone considering we pretty much has everything planned out and now I've got to re plan everything and do it all myself, I'm not complaining, it's simply a shock that's all.

There was no decision to be made in regards to "choosing to keep the baby", I was 18 weeks pregnant when he left, why would I decide "oh no! Ex partner doesn't love me, let's just visit the abortion clinic and get rid of my baby" that's insanely messed up!

I didn't have this baby with the knowledge he'd walk, however I'm not getting rid of my baby to benefit anyone else, what's done is done.

As stated again, I will not be making any contact with him, I have advised he consults a solicitor once the baby is born (although I won't be advising on when) and also that il be going through CMS & ensuring it is paid through them as I don't want the hassle of "missed payments".

Please read the paragraph above before you reply with "don't contact him, do this, do that"

Thank you to the poster whom actually gave advice rather than accuse me of lying!

OP posts:
myoriginal3 · 05/12/2016 13:07

Problem with claiming maintenance if he's not on the birth certificate and you don't want him to have contact?

Bluntness100 · 05/12/2016 13:14

Ok, so you get a message to him to contact a solicitor when the time comes. You in turn contact child maintenance. In the meantime just calm down and get on with your life without him.

As for name on birth certificate, I'd think about that if I was you, from the perspective of your child. There is no reason to say father unknown if you do in fact know , and saying it simply as you have a bad relationship with him isn't ok, you as yet don't know how it will work out with your child and him. if possible your aim should be for your child to have a good relationship with both his parents. You say you're thinking of your child, but not wanting to name him indicates youre thinking only of you.

Original poster
Notmyweek · 05/12/2016 13:37

I cannot put a man on the birth certificate whom I am not married to, I cannot just turn up and say "my ex has threatened me with the police, but can I put him on the birth certificate please".

I will not be approaching him when my baby is born to be rejected yet again, if he wants to be placed on the birth certificate then he can spend his money taking the matter to court.

Child maintenance is for the child not me, it does not mean because he is paying for his child that doesn't mean he can just turn up at my house demanding contact, he's made his bed, he can damn well lie in it.

He will simply have to put his hand in his pocket and shell out to see his son....I am saying this because I am putting my son first! I'm not wanting him to go to court for any other reason than to simply get a contact order, that way, it will be set what his access arrangements are and he will have spent the money setting it up so at least il know he's serious and wants to see him.

I'm not having him turn up, see his son and then not seeing him for months on end, it'll simply leave him confused and it's not fair on him!

I'd love to say he'll be the perfect dad, turning up when he says he will, paying the money on time every month however he has said things in the past which fill me with absolutely no confidence

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 05/12/2016 14:00

Maintenance for the child and contact with the child are completely seperate . He has to pay through CMS even if he doesn't want contact .

forumdonkey · 05/12/2016 14:12

Having read through your posts OP, I find your posts very confrontational and aggressive. I also can't understand why, if your ex was physically abusive, you would want to contact and pursue him. I'd be wanting to put as much distance as possible between us and I'd be desperate to get away from him - baby or not.

SlottedSpoon · 05/12/2016 14:23

I'm not having him turn up, see his son and then not seeing him for months on end, it'll simply leave him confused and it's not fair on him!

That's the only bit of sense you've made on this thread so far.

But I still maintain that unless you know him to be far too abusive to be allowed access to his child, then you don't have to make any decisions about that yet and you should try to leave the door open for discussion later down the line when you have both calmed down a bit.

Believe me, growing up not knowing your father and not even having him on the BC will be no picnic for your son either. I think if he asks for contact and then starts to mess you around and go awol and generally be flaky and unreliable then you make the decision to cut all contact, before your child is old enough to be damaged emotionally by it.

To be quite honest on the basis of a couple of hours a week or a fortnight it will be quite a few years before your child even builds a solid bond with his father anyway and if contact needs to be withdrawn before he's three or four he will probably not be any the wiser and will barely remember him or have much full understanding of what having a Dad even means.

On the other hand if contact has been prevented from day 1 on just based on your fear that he may mess your son around and eventually abandon him anyway, then you are depriving your son of the chance to know his father, who just may turn out to surprise you yet. Be prepared to give it a chance. It's not about you and your feelings it's about your child and his right to know his Dad.

MrsBertBibby · 05/12/2016 14:23

Forumdonkey, it may be hard to understand, but abuse victims often don't behave as one might expect.

OP, I'm not sure this thread is going to help you much more. Too many people seem to me to be poking you for the reaction. Ironic, really.

forumdonkey · 05/12/2016 14:29

MrsBertBibby I was beaten and physically abused by exh. He was charged and convicted with assault. I was desperate to get him away and out of my life and that of my dcs. I would not be actively perusing a physically abusive ex, I wouldn't want to be put in that situation, and that is from personal experience

MrsBertBibby · 05/12/2016 14:33

Well it's great you got away, but that isn't how it works for everyone.

Notmyweek2 · 05/12/2016 14:34

My posts are not confrontational or aggressive, it seems people have no idea on what they actually mean, I am stating my story, don't sit there and get upset because you don't like my responses or how I've worded it.

What a lot of people can't handle is strong minded people who don't necessarily back down, I won't pander to your opinions or thoughts on this matter and unfortunately if you don't like it, it's tough....same as if I don't like your replies!

Regardless of how he was, I took him back time and time again because I got the constant "I will change", I received countless emails, texts, letters along the way promising me he will be better, he will treat me better....those promises didn't ever materialise.

I grew up with both my mum and dad, my dad is on my birth certificate and yes our relationship isn't great although I do live with him, he's my dad and I love him....I want my son to have the same relationship, however time won't change things, he is the kind of guy who can't be bothered with the hassle of things, he also buys a new toy and is bored within days or weeks of it and goes and gets a new one....I'm worried he will simply be the same with his child.

Or be far too childish to even want to discuss with me regarding our child and not bother trying as it's "less hassle", that's why I'd just rather him go through the courts, at least il know he's serious.