Ex has called the police on me!

[Notmyweek]

So I've just received a letter from the police stating that my ex has called them due to me harassing him!

They've said they aren't going to arrest me but want to see me to get my side of the story!

Is he fucking serious??!! Only last week I had to call them because of his abuse and weirdness and now he's called them!

Yes I've contacted him since but only regarding our child.....wtaf??

His sister has even been in contact with me! Yet I'm now being told I'm harassing him??

I'm pregnant! I don't need all this stress, how can he do this?? I genuinely believed he loved me once, obviously I was wrong...who calls the police on their pregnant ex??

TBH it does sound as though you are stalking him OP, you crossed a line by emailing his boss/friend.

I will get over this eventually, in the future I will find someone & actually be happy.

I am simply trying to get my head around all of this. Everything that happened between us happened in 8 short months....I've practically got whiplash from the events!

I guess I'm saddened by the fact that one day he will grow up & want to take responsibility however it'll be too late, yes I get it, by then it'll be his problem & not mine.

My only issue is, before bedtime I'm fine, I understand that all of this is for the best however as soon as I get up in the morning, I'm emotional again & have to do all the thoughts, feelings & anger all over again.

Everything is so up in the air right now.
I'm waiting to see the police
Waiting for SS to contact me
Also waiting for a call back from a DV Organisation to call me
On the waiting list for CBT

I'm taking all the right steps, I've even booked myself onto 2 NCT courses, some people may not believe this but my baby is the most important person to me.....I want to ensure I'm the best mother I can be and if that means having SS involved to help me then fine, however I don't need their help to help me keep my baby safe....I have experience with children and am capable of giving my child everything he needs, I am unsure as to what they will try and offer me.

Over time, I will be happy again, as my mum said unfortunately I've hit rock bottom.

Your mum is right. And remember it's always darkest just before the dawn. You'll be ok. Just focus on yourself and your precious baby.

My hormones are playing a huge part right now.

The amount I've cried the last 2 weeks is more than I've cried in 26 years.

I'm normally quite a strong person who can take a lot!

I usually move on quite quickly & get over things as well however I guess now I'm pregnant I just worry about my baby, ensuring he has everything he will ever need.

There's a lot of harsh responses on here. OP isn't pretending to be an angel, and she's being completely honest about things. But she's on her own, pregnant, hormonal and upset- why upset her more?

Notmyweek- me and my (then) ex split up when I was young and pregnant with our second DS- he too was a violent wanker and all sorts of shit was going on and it was bloody hard. My head was all over the place as well. He then (in hindsight) did me the biggest favour ever, met someone else and fucked off for a good few years- completely cut both his DS's off. That sort of rejection really hurts, but in my case the distance between us was the best thing that could of happened. I stopped agonising over why he did what he did and so on after a while and completely turned my focus onto my children, and eventually met someone else as well.

Do the same if you can. Don't try and work out why he has behaved in the way he has, it's because he is an immature wanker. Be better than him. Make a good life for yourself and your child- as you say, you are doing all you should be doing. Stick at it. Get all the police and SS stuff out the way, then draw a line under it. And him. Decent men do not walk away from their children, and you are better off without him.

Having a baby (your first?) is an amazing time in your life, focus on it and don't let worries of him stop you from enjoying it. Focus on the now, and try to stop worrying about the future. You will be fine, but you need to stay away from him and that toxic situation completely, no matter what. As you say, you are a strong person, and you can, and will be able to provide your baby with whatever he needs when he is here. You don't need your ex, and you are both better of without him.

The narrative is
8 mth relationship
Preg 4 mths in
BF abusive
BF goes no contact at all. V clearly has cut you out of his life completely.
That must have been terrible for you
You are angered enraged confused humiliated
You want him punished : email boss to show what he is doing to another preggo thus damaging their working and friendship potentially

Be careful. You are hurt and humiliated.
Move on, stop acting out.
You know that you are trying to grab hold of something out of your grasp. You are only making things worse for yourself and your baby
This should be a short sharp shock enough to snap you out of this behaviour. You cannot control him. It must feel awful but in a while it will feel less bad. You are going to be fine eventually.

Notmyweek why have you been referred for CBT? It's norm the norm to get a referral for something like that within days of your boyfriend leaving you. Do you have a history of struggling to regulate your emotional responses to things?

What an utter waste of police resources

You are trying to build evidence that will help you in court if your ex partner chooses to take you to court for access to your child

The baby isn't here yet

Stop the drama - take a step back and try to be calm rest of your pregnancy. Once baby is here he will be your primary focus and the rest will fall into place but to start trying to build a case up just now when baby isn't here is premeditated.

I do think it warrants police speaking to you and in all honesty wish people wouldn't give you advice on how you should respond, go in tell the truth and they will determine if crime has been committed and if you come across like you have on here they do have cause for concern!

I know rose and yet the reason she says she keeps contacting him is because she can't accept that he can just walk away and not want access to the child. It doesn't make sense, does it? On the one hand she loves him and is desperate to have him back so they can be a family and on the other hand he is a violent abusive twat who she and her child need future police and court protection from.

The whole sorry mess just smacks of clutching desperately at straws and being intent on some sort of vengeance for being dumped. And trying to involve as many other people/authorities as possible as a way of somehow trying to regain control over the whole thing and proving she is 'right'.. The main thing I get from all her posts is this sense of outrage and indignance and that if he thinks he can just leave her and sleep soundly at night he's got another think coming.

By the sounds of things they've had one of those 'passionate' drama laden relationships, whereby there is a pattern of having massive rows, breaking up for few days and then counting down from a hundred until he comes back begging for reconciliation ustso they can do it all again a month later. Except this time he's finally seen this for the dysfunctional mess that it is and he won't come back. How very dare he?

The moral of the story is don't have babies with men you barely know, but it's a bit late for that now.

Sorry just realised my other post should have said it's NOT the norm to get a referral for CBT just because you are feeling temporarily down due to breaking up with someone. I would imagine there would need to be more of a history or backstory there, but having two people report you separately for harassment might do it.

It's like people are reading half the story.

Thank you to the ones who are reading all of it and replying based on all the facts.

What you aren't understanding is the fact he can't walk away the way he has and then expect to come in and try mess things up in the future, as stated a decent guy doesn't leave his pregnant gf, not the way he did.

I didn't email his boss to cause embarrassment or to ruin his relationship with her, if anyone he spends any time with would understand this whole situation, it would be her! As said previously she knows all about us!

Wasting police time??! Are you actually serious?? I contacted the police because of his behaviour towards me whilst pregnant, I called them because he grabbed me!! So don't you sit there ignoring the fact I had every right to call them....but then telling me his reasons for calling them are justified??

I honestly do no understand why people give advice which is obviously far too late! I'm already bloody pregnant, I'm not going to end my pregnancy just because me and the ex aren't together.

Again, ignoring the whole thread! My ex wife called them, however I proved my innocence....months down the line my ex wife and I got back together.

I have been referred for CBT due to emotions and what not and how to deal with them on a day to day basis, there were issues before we split which I was waiting for help for, don't start judging me for asking for help, its people like you who make people feel like shit for asking for help which in turn stops people from asking in the first place! So on that subject put your opinion where it matters.....in the bin!

Don't sit there giving it "if you respond to the police how you are on here then it's clear they have reason for concern" please give me a break! You don't have to like my replies as much as I don't have to like yours....it's clear the police officer who's dealing with this isn't concerned otherwise he'd have contacted me last week and come to my home!

He didn't so it can't be that urgent, it's clear he is a lot more understanding than a lot on here.

I am doing so much to ensure that when my baby arrives he has the best start at life. I will ensure he has a routine and quite frankly I don't want my ex coming in and messing all of that up!

Let me move on now and leave me to it, don't try to make contact later on down the line.

... the fact he can't walk away the way he has and then expect to come in and try mess things up in the future,

I'll reiterate. Yes, he can. Legally, he can. It sucks hairy balls, but it is what it is. The only thing that can be legally demanded from a man is child support. And even then, the man will wriggle out of that if he really wants to.

as stated a decent guy doesn't leave his pregnant gf, not the way he did.

Sure they do. There are decent men who break up with a pregnant gf if they don't love her. Staying in a relationship with someone you do not love is wrong, for both parties. But they DO provide for their child. What makes him 'not decent' is not that he's left you, it's that he does not intend to provide for his child.

I think what I'm saying is that you have to give up your ideas of "woulda/coulda/shoulda" and work with the realities of 'now'. Sure, he may come back in a year, five years, fifteen years and want to see the child. But that's not now. He may very well (and more likely) never want any contact with the child. So why eat yourself up inside or try to force him into a relationship with the child now because of a tiny chance he'll want it later?

Your actual relationship was very short-lived and I believe the majority of it, you were actually pregnant. He obviously didn't feel any real commitment to you and in a short term relationship, that's normal. And an accidental pregnancy doesn't create commitment that wasn't there in the first place.

You really need to focus on your future. And that doesn't include him. You keep harping on what 'he can't do'. Try to focus on what you can do, instead. You can move on. You can provide a home for your child. You can look forwards instead of backwards. And you can quit trying to justify or defend yourself to a bunch of random people on the internet.

What makes you think your ex is going to go to the expense and effort of taking you to court if he can't even be bothered now?

Although the pregnancy wasn't exactly planned for the specific time I fell pregnant, we weren't taking any precautions to stop it. I don't regret being pregnant, I simply regret him being the father.

He didn't leave because he didn't love me, he was getting his kicks elsewhere, I've emails from 3 days before telling me how he couldn't live his life without me and how much he was in love with me.

Can you not see why I am so confused on all of it??

He's saying one thing then with the same breath saying something completely different! He contradicts himself it's honestly confusing & gives me a headache.

I'm moving on, I will thank him for this in the future....just right now I have to go through the motions.

Your responses are aggressive, if that's how you respond to people in real life then I do hope police/ss intervene.

Unfortunately the way this country works right now he can walk away and do SFA. He cannot be made to do anything else for a child and if he decides in 5/10 years to waltz back in then after a period of supervised meetings chances are he will be given time alone.

All you can do it go for maintenance through the channels available.

It is a shitty system.

Even if my responses are aggressive what does SS have to do with it??

You actually make naff all sense it's unreal! I'm unsure at what you think you are achieving by attacking me on here!

People like you are embarrassing, you wind people up & don't like the response!

I have extensive experience with children, I have all the skills required to bring up a child.

What I don't have experience in is dealing with immature and selfish cheats like my ex, so excuse me for dealing with it in my own way!

Fact is, I haven't been violent & since the email I haven't contacted him.... I think he's had it quite bloody easy!

What you are missing is the fact he was aggressive & violent with me the last time I saw him....so please please do me a favour & drop your opinion, I don't need it.

Although the pregnancy wasn't exactly planned for the specific time I fell pregnant, we weren't taking any precautions to stop it

To a woman that means pregnancy may happen. To a lot of men it means nothing. They put blinders on and think 'she won't get pregnant' because they want sex.

He didn't leave because he didn't love me, he was getting his kicks elsewhere, I've emails from 3 days before telling me how he couldn't live his life without me and how much he was in love with me.

If a man loves you, they don't cheat. If a man loves you, they don't lie. He was cheating and lying. Men will say anything in order to get sex, including 'I love you'. And a man who loves a woman does not get violent and aggressive. I repeat, he did NOT love you, he was lying to you. If he loved you, he'd either still be with you or, at the very least, be treating you with kindness.

You can deal with this in 'your own way', of course. But I think you need to realize that 'your own way' is self-defeating and self-destructive.

He gives you two different messages because he is telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

You need to go Nc till baby is born..As others have said..If he wants contact once baby is born he will get it if he goes through court...

However you have to plan how you are going to get on in the future without his imput..The CBT sounds like it will be helpful..Block him so you don't contact him or see anything that will upset you..

If you are 4 months there is another 5 months of pregnancy where you can get yourself into the best position you can be in, physically, financially and emotionally.

I am doing so much in such a short space of time.

5 months may seem long to one person however for someone who is expecting a baby and is planning to cram so much into that time, it's not long at all.....I am going to go through so many emotions these next 5 months

I expect the anger side of things will soon come into play as I have already spent 2 weeks crying

My day consists of waking up, crying, being angry and then by around tea time I feel absolutely nothing for him not even anger. This feeling is great! It's like I've been single 8 months and don't even think about him, however I know I have to go through the emotions all over again tomorrow.

I haven't tried to contact him since the 25th November, his sister messaged me on the 28th however I have now been forced to block her also as I don't want any further issues....I do not plan on contacting him, I won't put myself through the rejection or my baby, he deserves much more than he's been getting.

I'd like to say my ex won't go to court, I'd like to believe he wouldn't as he's lazy and only earns money for himself, he isn't the kind of guy to spend that sort of money but regardless of the above, I honestly don't know what he would do come April as his colleague is expecting a baby around the same time as is his brother.....seeing the babies could make him want to see his own or as previously said he may just not give a shit!

Like most have said, by this point I won't actually give a toss about him....as my due date approaches il simply be spending my time preparing for the baby & wont have given him a second thought.

I am not self destructing....I'm doing quite well for a woman who was treated like crap and then dropped so suddenly whilst pregnant!
I've booked myself onto antenatal courses, I'm continuing to work up until the day my baby is due....i attend slimming world and go swimming. I also visit family often.

All everyone on here is seeing words and assuming I've all but given up on life, as if I'm spending my days in bed doing absolutely nothing but crying over him and trying not to contact him, I'm not struggling to contact him in the slightest, I've blocked him and his family and should I feel down I actually contact mine for support, all I'm telling you are my emotions, as you can't see anything else.

it's clear the police officer who's dealing with this isn't concerned otherwise he'd have contacted me last week and come to my home

The fact that the police didn't carry out a dawn raid or come to your home means diddly squat Is no reason for complacency, OP, as many begin their journey through the criminal justice system by means of a written invitation to attend a police station.

In any event, I wish you well for tomorrow and hope you will curb your belligerence when talking to the police.

Op are you being invited in for an interview under caution (sometimes police call it a "chat" but if you're read your rights its under caution)

If so I just want you to know that even though its an invite you can still be charged and brought to court so I suggest you say NOTHING in the interview and go no comment but give a signed statement saying you have not been harassing anyone.

As I said I been through this (not with a partner) and I was brought to court because I spoke in the interview and police twisted what I said.

The police are not your friends and they are not interested in hearing your side, they are asking you in because they want to charge you and hope you admit something that they can twist to bring you to court.

and in regards to harrassment what they will ask questions along the lines of this:
"would you think sending letters to others who know your ex COULD be deemed as harrassment"

They are trying to get you to say YES reason being for harrassment to occur you needed to have KNOWN your actions were harassment. Once you say YES its game over even if you didnt mean it like that.

I've not been asked to go to the police station, they've asked to come & speak with me.

I'm aware of the sort of questions they will ask & no I didn't think emailing him & his boss (who is more than aware of the whole situation) was harassment especially not when it was solely to do with his child.

The police stated in the letter that they aren't arresting me, they simply want to talk

Why do you keep on saying 'what you lot don't understand is...' and 'what you lot continue to ignore is....' ?

We understand all of it and have not ignored any of it. Our opinions of your situation and the advice we have offered remain unchanged, in full consideration of the facts as you have presented them.

It seems you struggle with accepting that other people have a right to make decisions and hold opinions that you disagree with. Of course everyone struggles with that a bit initially, when they are dumped by someone they love it's a hammer blow to realise they don't feel the same way any longer.

There seems to be an awful lot of petulant foot stamping and dramatics from you and a belief that if you hound enough people then you (or them) can make him change his mind.

I appreciate that you say you've stopped now and will not be contacting any of them again, but if you've approached the end of your relationship in the same way that you've approached this thread then I can see why he won't sit down and have a civil discussion with you about his child just yet.

I know it all seems monumentally unfair, but maybe if you give him some space and calm the fuck down then that conversation will come later, so don't cut off your nose to spite your face on that score. Unless you genuinely believe he is abusive and not fit to be around your child in which case you should be relieved if he opts to stay away for good.

You have plenty of time to ruminate over all of that before the baby is born. There is no need to make snap decisions on anything right now. Allow yourself some time to recover from the trauma of the last couple of weeks, perhaps your CBT appointments will come through soon (especially if you tell your GP about the two harrassment claims against you, he might push for them a bit quicker) and perhaps you will get some help to see the wood for the trees a bit.

You said upthread that you went to his house to speak to him about your unborn child and he grabbed you and screamed in your face. What exactly happened during that encounter?

You say he's been abusive or violent four times in eight months but you don't mention specifics apart from to say he 'grabbed' you on that occasion.

That was obviously a very emotionally charged situation and one where you were subsequently accused of harassment, so I can imagine that as the police haven't rushed to charge him he has presented a very plausible 'other side' to the story. Were there witnesses?

I know it's all still very fresh and raw for you but you are in danger of getting yourself into some serious trouble if you are not careful. You've started something now by involving the police out of what, to be frank, sounds like it was motivated by pure spite. The police will already have information on you from the last time you were investigated for harassment so even if you were 'proved innocent' then, a second harassment accusation so soon after and with a totally different 'victim' will not bode well for you at all, so be very careful how you choose to approach this.