Ex has called the police on me!

[Notmyweek]

So I've just received a letter from the police stating that my ex has called them due to me harassing him!

They've said they aren't going to arrest me but want to see me to get my side of the story!

Is he fucking serious??!! Only last week I had to call them because of his abuse and weirdness and now he's called them!

Yes I've contacted him since but only regarding our child.....wtaf??

His sister has even been in contact with me! Yet I'm now being told I'm harassing him??

I'm pregnant! I don't need all this stress, how can he do this?? I genuinely believed he loved me once, obviously I was wrong...who calls the police on their pregnant ex??

I know you want him to have a relationship with your child but I look on it this way. I have never ever known my dad, if I hadn't have found a bit of paper with his name on I wouldn't know that either and I'm not bothered. I would rather be brought up by my mum and grab than have my mum and dad agueing the toss about me over my head. So please don't feel guilty at breaking all contact.

Grief I completely agree with you....why I acted silly with him I honestly do not understand....at first we got on so well! Besides a few hiccups!

But I agree with you, had I not fallen pregnant when I did, we'd have finished as soon as we started.

The whole relationship was toxic, we aren't right for each other and no amount of breaking up and getting back together would change that.

I accept he does not want me and as a PP said, it's a gift from him by cutting all contact with me and in the long run il thank him for it because stupidly I wasn't strong enough to walk away from him! I tried on several occasions however he "hounded" me when I attempted to cut contact, he always managed to suck me back in time and time again.

Joz
I think me contacting him was a moment of madness, having just been cut out of his life and ignored so suddenly, I lost my rational thoughts and tried which way to ensure he helped out as much as he could seeing as we had plans for help in regards to childcare but of course that all changed as soon as he walked!
I've now got to plan all of that myself and do everything myself, as said previously, I guess I got scared!

I hope for my sake & my baby's sake, he decides to cut contact for good!

What you appear to have overlooked is that he has cut contact, but it seems that you won't accept that he's no longer interested in you or the pregnancy.

That guy has single handedly ruined my life

How have you arrived at that conclusion? It takes two to tango and you're having the child you wanted but couldn't have with your exw.

Of course I didn't realise it included things about the baby, at no point did I think for one second if I emailed him about our son that he'd call the police, if I had known that, then I wouldn't have contacted him past the Monday.

As stated above I have accepted he doesn't want me, I get that, at no point have I contracted him asking for him back, it's all been about the baby.

I am not begging for him back, yes I miss the guy I fell in love with however he isn't that person anymore and I've accepted that.

When I fell pregnant i didn't plan to do it alone, me and him planned it together......I didn't think to make a contingency plan in case he dropped out of my life, I wasn't aware I had to do that, so to say he's come in and fucked my life up is pretty fair if I'm honest, considering only 3 days before cutting contact he's emailing me telling me how much loves me and can't wait to be a family! Bit of a head f*ck!

You sound obsessed.

If his boss is pregnant too, please don't put pressure on her.

Why the hell would you want to know about contact with him when you have your baby when he has assaulted you 4 times already.
I would be running the hell away to protect me and my child - which I did do.

When you get hit & grabbed in a vicious way & then made to believe its all your fault & spoken down to & patronised you actually start to believe it really is your fault!

By him walking the way he did, I believed everything that ever happened in our relationship was all my fault & if I went against him then I'd be overreacting.

I'm not obsessed I was simply desperate as my life had changed so dramatically.

Not all domestic abuse is the same!

She's hardly going to feel pressured by me emailing her.

I did what I thought was for the best at the time, yes my thoughts and mind were clouded by rejection at the time however I cannot take back the email.....if I could rewind time I can tell you I'd have handled it all very differently.

I have sought help from a counselling service to help me deal with everything that's happened throughout the relationship & when it ended

He's made it clear he wants nothing to do with you and you've repeatedly tried to make contact, therefore you've been harassing him (turning up unannounced and emailing his boss/friend is aggressive).

This very short relationship was doomed from the start and although you aren't responsible for his violence against you, for some reason you were a a willing participant to a toxic relationship dynamic.

Your actions haven't ensured that your most recent Ex won't get unsupervised contact in the future, your attitude together with a the possibility of a harassment caution has probably given him his 'she was acting crazy, so I had to go NC' defence in the future should he need it.

Hopefully you will follow through on your assertions that you will go NC and here's hoping you take the remainder of your pregnancy to reflect on your contribution to this soap opera.

OP I think you should read a book called 'i hate you dont leave me' by jerold j keissman I think it is, as someone who had a toxic abusive relationship with a bpd sufferer you sound like you have similar symptoms

Notmyweek, right so now it's clear how he feels it's time to get your head down and get on with enjoying the rest of your pregnancy.

My DD is 8 now and her father has never met her, I told him about my pregnancy, he didn't want to know. I sent him an email to tell him when she was born, because like you, I didn't want to be seen as obstructive.

8 years on I'm married, DH is her only dad.

Please now concentrate on yours and your baby's future together. I gave DD my surname, and she has no father on the birth certificate. She knows all about the situation and is happy with it.

Now is the time to focus, no more time spent thinking about him. He's told you where he stands, you and your son deserve better.

I don't have BPD, there is a chance I have aspergers but not BPD although I am aware of the symptoms.

Yes you can view it that I played a part in the relationship being toxic however each & every time I tried to end things, he did nothing but harass me, he wouldn't let me leave!
Being the kind of guy he is, he made his harassing look innocent, he made it look like he was being a nice loving person because that's what he does, he manipulates situations to make himself look like the victim.

I am not contacting him & haven't attempted to since last week.

OP I think you should read a book called 'i hate you dont leave me' by jerold j keissman I think it is, as someone who had a toxic abusive relationship with a bpd sufferer you sound like you have similar symptoms

Christ alive, we now live in a world where a man can be violent towards a woman who is pregnant with his child then walk away presumely offering no support of any nature to her and their unborn child at all and she gets accused of BPD for sending two emails

NeedsAsock it's okay, I guess it's easy to overlook and judge me than it is to see the whole picture.

I presume that people feel that because I went back after the physical abuse that maybe I deserved it??

I'm recovering from this train wreck of a relationship and hope I don't ever fall into this trap again!

People will judge regardless of whether violence was involved or not.

Had I stated I wanted him no where near my son & wouldn't allow contact even with a court order, I'd have been judged for being a "bitch" & not allowing a father to see his son.

People are also overlooking the fact that I have stated I wish I hadn't emailed his boss however as said above I didn't realise he meant he wanted no contact even regarding his son!

Perhaps some people would have judged you for that notmyweek

But I personally would apsolutly encourage a victim of abuse to not allow contact for until such time as either a court has deemed it safe or another qualified appropriate professional has.

But then again I have spent most of my life working with the fall out from doing it your way, I see the problems it causes with future attempts to make it safe and the danger people place themselves and their children in by supervising contact themselves

Firstly, life can get a whole lot worse than it is for you right now so have a think about that.

Secondly, when your ex was abusive to you you should have reported it there and that. It seems clear all of this is being done now because the relationship had ended and it keeps a tie between you both.

Sadly if he doesnt want anything to do with his son you cant do anythimg about it. As far as i know you're over 20 weeks so no more scans to debate about etc? No reasons to contact him.

With regards to him knowing you've had your son. Well im assuming he knows a rough due date so whether you tell him or not he's going to know roughly when your son arrives.

On the plus side you do sound like you love your son and if i were you and the dad was showing no interest i would focus all my love and attention on my son and wouldnt waste a second on the dad.

If the dad wants to see your son wventually, cross that bridge when you come to it. If you have no intention of blocking access then you dony have to prove anything to anyone do you?

Leave his boss alone. Id be reporting you myself if i was her. Its nothing to do with her and she has her own new baby to focus on.

Okay.
Start your calming down.
Why not get off the internet and have a nice cup of tea and then maybe go for a walk, or whatever.
None of this has to be dealt with right now. There are months until the baby comes.
Then : stop contact with him and his family.
See your GP and see if they will refer you for a diagnosis if you do have Aspergers. At least try to get referred to counselling and let them know about your stress.
Before beginning any new relationship get some help - maybe the freedom programme? You need some self -awareness, a diagnosis might help, as could contact with others with Aspergers. Maybe look into stuff written by "The girl with curly hair".

Try to take on board these two helpful phrases:
Life isn't a soap opera, don't make it one
Very little in life has to be done right now

Good luck.

When you get hit and your partner tells you how it's your fault and not his, when he tells you to kill yourself and tell you how it's your fault why he said it and not his, you start to believe that actually it could be you and not him.

You believe that by calling the police and having him arrested would cause more issues than actually just being hit or emotionally abused.

I haven't contacted him since last week.

I don't intend to contact him again.

I dealt with this the wrong way and I see that.

It sounds like you are making progress then.

Try and.put ex to the back of your mind. I know you have monday coming up but it sounds like theres nothing to worry about there.

Focus on you and your new little family. You and your baby boy.

I've contacted a domestic abuse helpline to help with the emotional side of things that happened during the relationship.

Because I am pregnant I have been referred to social services

One of the key things SS will look at is your ability to keep your baby safe. So be resolute about how you'll do that.

Actually the police won't hear you out. Lots of forces do not give harassment warnings in domestic cases anymore. They arrest and then ask your side of it. Regardless of pregnancy, or allegations o abuse not reported prior to arrest. You need to contact them and ask if they intend to arrest you. They will deal with it based on the evidence they have and your previous penchant for harassment. Sorry to sound harsh hope it works out for you.

This is how the justice system works these days op, all the criminal has to do is make counter claims against you then the whole case is seen as a tit for tat and the police do nothing, even if you are truly the victim.

I have been sexually harassed and stalked by someone for the last year and the police have done nothing but try to take me to court, the man in question hasnt even been interviewed by them. I was taken to court on 0 evidence and what makes it worse it is all female officers dealing with my case siding with the male. If you saw me and saw him it is not even believable to a rational smart thinking person.