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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex has called the police on me!

300 replies

Notmyweek · 01/12/2016 21:59

So I've just received a letter from the police stating that my ex has called them due to me harassing him!

They've said they aren't going to arrest me but want to see me to get my side of the story!

Is he fucking serious??!! Only last week I had to call them because of his abuse and weirdness and now he's called them!

Yes I've contacted him since but only regarding our child.....wtaf??

His sister has even been in contact with me! Yet I'm now being told I'm harassing him??

I'm pregnant! I don't need all this stress, how can he do this?? I genuinely believed he loved me once, obviously I was wrong...who calls the police on their pregnant ex??

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmyweek · 02/12/2016 00:17

You need to take a deep breath and be calm for your child's sake. If the father wants to see his child he will take steps, but you can't force it. Sounds like you've tried to trap him into a relationship TBH, stop harassing him before you land yourself in hot water

In what way would you say I've tried to trap him??

OP posts:
OutragedKoala · 02/12/2016 00:17

If you're harassing people you'll end up on the wrong side of a non molestation order

demonchilde · 02/12/2016 00:18

They will if you get gobby with them!

Original poster
Notmyweek · 02/12/2016 00:19

I intend on being very calm & collected....I expect the police will be nothing but professional & hear me out before they plan to do anything.

However they can refer back to the report I made in September & last week both of which include him

OP posts:
demonchilde · 02/12/2016 00:19

Trap him? Are we back in the fifties?

AcrossthePond55 · 02/12/2016 00:19

I'm ignoring all the other stuff and just offering this:

Your decision to block everyone 'on his side' is a good one. So is your decision to solo register the child under your surname. I also agree with your decision NOT to claim CMS assuming you are able to provide for the child on your own earnings.

I think I'd also add that, given he's made it clear that he wants nothing to do with you and the child and that you now feel the same about him, I'd probably consider moving to make it a clean break. Do you have family or a support system that you could move closer to? Do you work in a field that transfers easily?

As far as him wanting later access and you being 'obstructive', just keep copies of all documentation you're given by the police, especially anything that he has said about wanting you out of his life. And if they give you something in writing suggesting or stating that you cut contact with him, keep that too.

Personally, I think 'not being obstructive' doesn't mean that you must take all the initiative to start or maintain contact or even go out of your way to facilitate it. I think 'being obstructive' means that if he contacts you wanting access and you throw up roadblocks or deny access after he's made his desire for a relationship known.

Original poster
Notmyweek · 02/12/2016 00:21

Demonchilde

Please refer back to Koala's comment which included trap, I was simply referring to that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmyweek · 02/12/2016 00:23

Thank you acrossthepond constructive advice!

I completely agree with you however the only downside is that I cannot move, not yet anyway.

I can afford to not receive financial help from him & to be fair it would only work out to be around £180 a month, id rather pay for everything myself

OP posts:
demonchilde · 02/12/2016 00:24

Notmyweek - yes, I know you were. So was I!

Original poster
Notmyweek · 02/12/2016 00:33

Oh sorry, I thought you'd missed their comment, do you know what they mean in regards to "trap him in a relationship"??

Would one be right to think that meant by falling pregnant "trapping"??

OP posts:
Fidelia · 02/12/2016 00:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goddessofsmallthings · 02/12/2016 00:34

You are aware that a harassment order isn't a criminal record don't you??

Assuming that the above comment is addressed to me, I am of course aware that a police harassment warning is not recorded on the PNC but, as it has no statutory basis and no legal effect, there is no right of appeal against it and therefore no way of having it removed.

However, if you get as arsey with the police as you've been here, you may be asked to attend the police station on another day for the purpose of being arrested and cautioned, or worse.

Original poster
Notmyweek · 02/12/2016 00:37

I didn't send the letter.

I went to his house on the Monday to speak in regards to the baby & what his plans were in regards to the upcoming scans and appointments as 3 days before he was begging me to let him come!

Yes a part of me still loved him (stupidly) however now the crying has stopped & I'm feeling calm & collected again....I can see that I've acted out of character, I guess the thought of being a single mum scared me as I was suddenly out of the blue faced with it....personally that fact I've stayed amicable & not gone "mental" like he did, shows that yes I may have acted desperate which I can see but I did it for the right reasons

OP posts:
Fidelia · 02/12/2016 00:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Notmyweek · 02/12/2016 00:39

Can I please remind all, the amount of times I have stated that the police won't talk to me as a few on here have, I've no reason to get angry with them!

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmyweek · 02/12/2016 00:40

I sent the scan picture, I didn't send a letter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmyweek · 02/12/2016 00:43

As said above, due to the outcome & his attitude to this whole situation.....I will not be making any contact with him or his family again.

I won't be advising him when the baby arrives....another reason I won't be claiming CSA so he won't be informed he's arrived.....so he won't be arriving at my house at any time.

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 02/12/2016 00:43

OP just be careful. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/12/2016 00:44

If you want to create a contemporaneous record, swear an affidavit setting out all the events and circumstances and lodge it somewhere safe

She can't, that pretty much means an account of the situation at the time.

It does not mean several days later.

op
You do not need to be convicted of anything in order for him to obtain legal aid.
And fwiw whilst yes I have noticed a trend in familŷ court towards ignoring domestic abuse, with a decent Solisitor it's not to hard to challenge. Over 50% of my clients have violent ex partners who only obtained SAFE contact via a court order and without exception the ones who had little sucess trying to introduce the DA into consideration were the ones who chased contact.

goddessofsmallthings · 02/12/2016 00:44

Can I please remind all, the amount of times I have stated that the police won't talk to me as a few on here have, I've no reason to get angry with them!

You're obviously not familiar with the 'good cop, bad cop' routine, or the fact that many folk manage to convict themselves within a short time of being in a police station. Grin

Original poster
Notmyweek · 02/12/2016 00:44

Heart

Il be honest with you, I'm already in hell & have been for 8 months!

That guy has single handedly ruined my life.

My life cannot get much worse than this trust me

OP posts:
Fidelia · 02/12/2016 00:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Notmyweek · 02/12/2016 00:47

I hope for my sake & my baby's sake, he decides to cut contact for good!

He has previously stated that although he has a substantial amount in savings, he wouldn't take me to court for access as that would mean not being able to use the money on buying a house & he's not prepared to do that, let's hope that stands in 5 months!

OP posts:
GriefLeavesItsMark · 02/12/2016 00:48

Op I remember your original threads, and tbh it sounded like it was a brief relationship that burned itself out quickly, and would have ended months ago if he hadn't got you pregnant.

Anyway, sounds dysfunctional on both parts; he contacts your ex wife (and I've often read posts from women asking if they should contact their ex's ex to compare notes, which is what he appears to have done) and you contact his friend. Childish, but you can't undo, just have to move on.

If he wants contact with his son, that can be separate from having contact with you, although, as you are fearful of DV it would not be advisable for you, if and when, it is awarded, to supervise contact.

Original poster
Notmyweek · 02/12/2016 00:50

Well, I intend on see the police & being truthful & co operative.

To be fair, if I have a difficult copper, he'll simply arrest me! Not much I can do! However he needs to be open regarding this whole situation & read both statements made to them from me against my ex before he makes any decision at all!

OP posts: