Difficult marriage. Not ready to leave

[burgundyandgoldleaves]

I don't know what I expect from this thread, but please, please don't berate me for not leaving. I'm not saying it's never on the cards, but it isn't going to be tomorrow or next week or anything like that, I need to get my head clear first.

I don't even know what to say now.

I feel he often puts me down. I feel he often makes out I think something he thinks when I don't think it at all, or that he twists something to make me in the wrong and at fault.

He complains about housework, gets stressed about mess. I do try really hard to keep on top of everything but at the same time we have a dog and young children and sometimes thinks just get messed up. Like I've been painting and I must not have put the paint lid on properly, it's my fault but he will go on about things like that as if it's some sort of personal character flaw instead of a simple accident.

He's sometimes pushy about sex, he can be quite demanding.

I just feel quite sad about it just now. I feel in some ways life was almost easier before I knew what he was like.

What do you mean "when he has them for contact" ?

He's a clever man in the sense he has a good way of making sure you're kept under his control. His entire motivation is power. Power over everyone.

Wouldn't anyone far prefer to be alone (st least initially) than to be controlled?

The thing is that it is more than him "being an arse". He is role modelling destructive, bullying and intimidating behaviour in every area of your child's life, leaving him watching adults with whom he should be able to have a safe relationship being undermined, scorned and disrespected.

Monkey see, monkey do.

Well, if we split, he'd still see the children. And without me there.

I would see that as a positive. If he is alone with the children they will have the measure of him before they are teenagers.

If they see you together they will doubt their own feelings. They will think that it's ok or normal.

You sound very brave

It's not on its own - it's with a background of his abuse of you.

And you are not able to protect them by being there all the time, because he's still causing problems with the school etc. When they get older, tho, what do you think it will be like - when they defy him. Or start treating you like he treats you?

And by staying with him, you are making this their normal all the time. If you were separate, you could give them sight of something else, a great deal of the time. And when they are older they will be able to choose whether to spend time with him or not. If you're together, they have no choice until they're adults.

Are you acknowledging he abuses your children, then ?

Yes he would see the children but they would no longer see him dominating you, so that would be a big plus.

It must be very hard being around him and also now recognising that this isn't normal and far from OK.

Maybe take the pressure off yourself to come up with all the answers at once. Start by just observing. Observe his behaviour, your feelings and your responses. Don't try to change or analyse them yet, just see them, name them, become aware.

You need to give yourself time to catch up. You've started to see the light, so focus on that, in seeing it.

Later, when you have reawakened your thoughts and feelings and can really trust your instincts and have faith that you are not wrong, you can tackle what to do about it.

Take a look at this piece about grounding: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-17987/why-grounding-is-difficult-for-highly-sensitive-people-what-to-do-about-it.html

It might help you to be present in the situations with more clarity, rather than getting swept away by him before you have a chance to fathom how you feel about what is going on.

One step at a time. Observe and name it. Figure out what action to take later

I don't know AF, I don't think he does but feel that's the wrong answer somehow. I shouldn't have started this thread.

@burgundy I read your previous thread and had a feeling there was something else going on. Firstly you have done well to talk and open up.
Earlier in the week I came across this thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2782926-I-need-someone-to-believe-me Which I found enlightening another poster talked about passive aggressive husband there was a lot of information on this thread that I think you may find helpful going forward.
Seek help and guidance from Women's Aid or via GP request therapy it could make a difference do it for you and your DC if I remember from your last thread your mother wasn't as helpful when you were in school but you are different and want the best for DC so step out and if you get therapy embrace it. You are not alone many women experience things but it's when someone gets into your head that it becomes a challenge to step out of the box.

Your concern at him being alone with his children is illuminating

By abusing you, he is damaging them. Taking away his opportunity to make them bear witness to the humiliation oftheir mother is a good thing, not a bad thing

If you fear for their safety while under his sole care, then that what does that say about him ?

You definitely should have started this thread. This man is an abuser.

I know your right but I just can't get it clear
It's all getting fogged up again.

Just take your time burgundy. Talk on this thread when you need support. Take it slowly and hopefully some of the links and words will help you gather your strength to work out what is right and what is so very wrong.

Does he put himself above you emotionally, verbally as well as physically?

Does he accidently break things or throw away things that matter to you or DCs, but says you're over reacting?

Do you feel that anything you tell him can be changed to you being wrong?

Do you worry about asking him for anything that may involve change that he hasn't suggested?

It sounds like you're reflecting on the physical side, which is of course awful, but I wonder if you can take a step back and see if there is a much broader control taking place?

I've been there by the way. I was with a manipulator for over a decade. If I ever tried to talk properly he'd get angry, cry, blame me (gaslight or say I was mentally ill), beg for forgiveness. Really wore me down. I gave up and learnt to go into 'robot mode'. He swapped me for someone new and now I'm free. Had lots of counselling.

He tried to manipulate me through DCs, but I've ignored it and it's calmed down over a year apart.

burgundy this must be so hard for you . Taking baby steps is okay. I was with an awful abusive man throughout my teen years and really identified with you when you said that you are numb to it all,even though you know how you "should" feel. For me this was a survival tactic- all of the feelings for my ex came pouring out after I left. I still suffer with PTSD and struggle to accept I was with a rapist.
God it's hard. So hard but keep talking on this thread. Talking can help. The first steps are starting to see how abusive his behaviour towards you is.

Burgundy, I have followed both of your threads and some of your posts suggest to me that you may be (understandably) depressed.

You speak of your is inability to feel, feeling numb and not being able to cry any more at your situation. This 'flattening of emotion' is often indicative of depression and is likely contributing to you feeling so helpless and in the 'fog' you describe.

You are SO much stronger than you know. When I reading both your threads that is so apparent. You have just 'lost' yourself. Take baby steps and take encouragement from the excellent advice you are receiving from some wonderful posters ( who never cease to amaze me)!

Please think about whether you you may be depressed and speak to your GP. there is hell out there.

Sending hugs. Take care of yourself and your DC.

• help (not hell)!

Sending the gentlest of hugs and warmest wishes

Burgundy I read your other thread about your son's school the other day, and I remember you saying you had split from your husband before.

Sounds like his behaviour with you is echoed in his behaviour at the school - controlling, and manipulative.

He is sexually abusive, emotionally abusive and aggressive to you. Please consider taking some action. Talk to friends. Talk to your GP. Call Womens Aid. Don't be alone in this abusive situation. You don't have to make decisions right now, but don't let him exert himself over you any more.

Thank you.

To my surprise I can't identify with much above about the emotional stuff. He can be selfish where sex is concerned but he doesn't put his needs before mine. He can be incredibly kind. Wouldn't throw the children's toys away. He does make it so I'm in the wrong but half the time I honestly couldn't say whether I am or not.

Morning Burgundy.
Even if you decide that it isn't that bad for the children, it's still bad for you, isn't it?
Even if he behaves nicely some of the time, he behaves badly the rest of the time.
Even if you used to enjoy risky, rough sex, you don't enjoy it any more.

He doesn't have to be awful all the time for you to decide you want out.

With time and space, you might decide things are worse than you realise at the moment.

What matters is, you can be happier than this.

Don't worry too much, just let the thoughts sit in your head for a while. See what you want.

Sometimes I do with sex. But it needs to feel safe, and with him it doesn't always. He will claim I begged him to do something or really wanted it and turns it into me wanting it when it's not.

I'll come back to this later, I'm in work today and I have to get a tree!!

I was on your other thread burgundy. Just want to add my support and good wishes.

By all means, take your time thinking things through and clarifying your own feelings.

Hope you enjoy the tree shopping

Hi burgandy, sorry you're in a crap relationship, I've been there and it feels like you're stuck in a snow globe. It's only when you're out that you realise how artificial and unnatural the environment was.

Take a tip from me and clear you're browser history, every time, or browse incognito. There is support here that will help and you'll need that so take steps to protect yourself.

We'll be here when you want to leave the snow globe.

If you can't do it for yourself you will need to do it for your children. They deserve better.