Difficult marriage. Not ready to leave

[burgundyandgoldleaves]

I don't know what I expect from this thread, but please, please don't berate me for not leaving. I'm not saying it's never on the cards, but it isn't going to be tomorrow or next week or anything like that, I need to get my head clear first.

I don't even know what to say now.

I feel he often puts me down. I feel he often makes out I think something he thinks when I don't think it at all, or that he twists something to make me in the wrong and at fault.

He complains about housework, gets stressed about mess. I do try really hard to keep on top of everything but at the same time we have a dog and young children and sometimes thinks just get messed up. Like I've been painting and I must not have put the paint lid on properly, it's my fault but he will go on about things like that as if it's some sort of personal character flaw instead of a simple accident.

He's sometimes pushy about sex, he can be quite demanding.

I just feel quite sad about it just now. I feel in some ways life was almost easier before I knew what he was like.

He is treating you worse than a prostitute burgundy. Sex in a partnership is loving, giving, fun, laughter and warmth.

What you posted is so so sad.

It doesn't feel bad. Why doesn't it feel bad to me when everybody else is horrified? I don't know, I just don't know. Sometimes I don't like whatever he's doing but it's a minor thing, and then I just carry on as normal.

Having also read your other thread it's clear that you are married to a deeply unpleasant and IMO dangerous man. It was clear on your other thread that he is vile not just to you but to other women as well. I am so sorry to read this thread as clearly he is far worse to you than he is to others and his behaviour to them is beyond the pale.

I hear that you are not ready to leave, but hear that he is not normal and you do not deserve this. Please consider the impact this will be having on your children, they and you deserve so much better.

It doesn't feel bad because you have cut yourself off from your feelings to protect yourself.

I suppose I must have but then how do I get them back? I feel like if I could feel again that would be my cue to leave and I know I should, but I'm just too weak.

It's what you're used to and you & he are in a kind of bubble where he tells you how to think & feel. That's why it feels normal, because it is your normal. It doesn't mean it's ok.

You're not weak, disassociation and the numbing is a self-preservation thing. Plus he gaslights you like nobody's business.

You're not weak, you are incredibly strong. That is why you have been able to survive and absent yourself like this.

You're not weak, he is. He needs to control and bully others to get himself off. He is the weak one.

How can you un-numb yourself, for want of a better word? I don't feel humiliated any more. I just realised that, it's been a long long time since he's humiliated me.

Yes, he is weak with quite likely low self esteem. He can only make himself feel better by getting one over on you and demeaning you. That makes him feel like the big man. I bet he's a complete nightmare to work for... I would hate having him as a boss.

That's the really hard part, that maybe he never really loved me at all.

Your husband is ruining your children's lives as well as yours

How long can you numb yourself to that ?

I can't.

That is the part where I feel.

But even though I will sit here and agree with you I then come away and question it. Question if it is actually harming them (I honestly don't think it is, or a, I just kidding myself)

With my children, I've just always wanted them to have everything I didn't have but at the same time I sometimes feel so inadequate as a mum.

Your other thread (the school teacher one) tells us that he is ruining his children's lives

Do you think? Why, genuinely?

But you don't know who you could be without him. You see, it's in his interests to put you down and make you feel you're not good enough. When you're doubting your abilities, it's his voice.

You would not believe the joy there is is in knowing you're good enough and you can be competent and manage without him. I found it relatively recently. It's joy.

Yes, I do. It's been said on your other thread.

I used to cry quite a lot and I don't, any more. I used to quite enjoy standing up for myself . Maybe enjoy is the wrong word, he'd always win anyway.

Where, AnyFucker? I'm not trying to be awkward but just in terms of the children specifically ?

I think he will be affecting the children because someone with this sort of character will be demeaning you, belittling you and believe me your DS in particular will see that. (I think your other DC is tiny, not sure). Children are far more perceptive than we give them credit for.

I'm. Starting to see that. I think I always used to think everything was behind closed doors, but now I think back to my own role models and that maybe my parents should not have been together. Or something like that anyway.

It's just when he has them for contact and when he still sticks his oar into my little family without him - not that I can even entertain the idea of another man but at the same time does that mean I'm going to be alone indefinitely once the children have moved out?

His malign influence is reaching your son's experience at school.

I don't know, him being an arse sometimes at school seems so unimportant compared to everything else. It's annoying sure but on its own worth ending s marriage over?