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I need someone to believe me

(330 Posts)
Wilhamenawonka Thu 17-Nov-16 12:50:44

This is about abuse. Not sexual financial or physical or even verbal in ways that are generally understood.

It was covert passive aggressive abuse over 17 years and i finally got him to leave 20 months ago. I now know that it involved all the above but so subtly that even now it feels like a fog trying to penetrate it.

Although I know intellectually that it was abuse it's only This week that I've started to get it emotionally and now I'm broken.

I'll never be in another relationship because i can't trust myself to stay safe and also i have vaginismus which ideveloped due to his approach to sex.
Every day more and more things hit me and break my heart all over again.

The thing is that i can't even give examples because I'm so scared of people not getting it and making me question myself again.

I'll never stop questioning if it was all my fault. I'm broken.

Please say you believe me because he is such a master at subtle passive aggressive abuse no one (except my counsellor and close friend) would ever get it.
I'm not a drama queen making this up but thats what I've been telling myself for years.

I feel sick all the time and just need to get it out.

OohhThatsMe Thu 17-Nov-16 12:54:44

I've read enough on here to believe you, OP. Some of these guys are absolute masters at what they do. So sorry you spent so long with him, but isn't it wonderful you're away from him now? You can now start to plan the rest of your life without him.

Wilhamenawonka Thu 17-Nov-16 12:56:42

I can't. There's nothing of me left. Im just a shell now.

Amandahugandkisses Thu 17-Nov-16 12:58:02

I believe you.
Some things sound a certain way on paper but no one really knows the truth.
I hope everything works out for you. X

LilaTheLion Thu 17-Nov-16 12:59:11

I believe you. I was also in a situation where I felt I could not explain what was going on in my house.

Your feelings are valid. You don't need to doubt yourself.

Maybe if you give some examples of behaviour the outrage that will certainly follow on here will help you feel the validation you need?

I'm glad you are in counselling and have a friend. Use mumsnet too. It can be another anonymous source of support.

flowers

Wilhamenawonka Thu 17-Nov-16 13:02:48

It's all such a fog.
Why would anyone believe that him forgetting to buy something at the shop was abusive?
Or that the very act of doing something nice was actually an act of punishment?

Diamogs Thu 17-Nov-16 13:05:32

Abusers are very clever, they are skilled manipulators. I believe you OP.

comoneileen Thu 17-Nov-16 13:07:37

You need to believe yourself.

Wilhamenawonka Thu 17-Nov-16 13:09:17

I can't allow myself to speak to him as its so damaging but we have children.

My 6 year old keeps asking why i don't like daddy.
How can i explain that he only seems to be nice but isn't. That the only reason he said happy birthday to me was so she could see him do it. It wasn't him being the bigger person but that's what it looks like.

It's such a colossal head fuck.

Here's my husband
www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/what-is-passive-aggressive-behaviour

MingeFog Thu 17-Nov-16 13:11:34

Firstly, well done OP for getting yourself out of that situation. You were trapped for such a long time, and now it's going to take time to recover and heal at your own pace. There is no right or wrong way to start the process, but you have taken the first steps to doing so.

Secondly, there are many women on this site who I'm sure have had similar experiences to you, and if you think it'll be cathartic, you can post about these things - I think it would surprise you how many posters respond with similar experiences. At the moment you're blaming yourself and feeling guilty because he has trained you to do that over 17 years in a cycle of abuse - please start to be kinder to yourself.

There is a great thread which features the different types of abusers from Lundy Bancroft's book, but I can't remember which thread it is. Perhaps another poster could link to it as I'm sure reading some posters' responses on there might make you feel a little less shaky about this.

Lastly, I am here, and I believe you. You are not a drama queen, you are not broken. It's not your fault. I believe you.

TwitterQueen1 Thu 17-Nov-16 13:16:04

I'm not surprised you feel like an empty shell OP - he has sucked everything away from you - your confidence, your joy, your willpower...

But nature abhors a vacuum.... so your empty shell will begin to fill again as you regain your confidence, until you are you again. Every day will see a little bit of you come back again. In a few months' time you will be a different person, and in a year's time you'll be a very different person! Stick with it.

FinallyHere Thu 17-Nov-16 13:23:47

Congratulations and well done on getting away, go easy on yourself now and take it slowly.

Love yourself and your DC, things will go well for you.

stubbornstains Thu 17-Nov-16 13:26:03

I believe you. I believe you. I believe you thanks.

My abusive XP was also a nice as pie- sensitive, thoughtful, loving etc....except when he wasn't. I also get that terrible feeling of feeling almost suffocated by the need to tell people, but always suspecting that they don't believe you. This used to make me seem quite frantic and emotional when I talked about it, so guess what- I seemed a bit unhinged, which wasn't going to make people believe me!

I've been doing two things. One is a piece of writing, detailing what he did and how it made me feel. I think I might let people see it, at some point.

The other was reading "Why does he do that?". I thought I didn't really need it, that I knew it was an abusive relationship so didn't really need to read a book about it, but I didn't expect him to state so clearly how much abusers can be shielded by this conspiracy of silence, and by the unwitting support of otherwise well meaning people. It was a real eye opener to me.

Wilhamenawonka Thu 17-Nov-16 13:32:18

I was a virgin when we got together. He was more experienced.
It's hard to describe but he was so unhelpful in terms of reassuring me, helping me feel comfortable etc that i developed vaginismus. Then of course he was able to punish me by making me think I'd rejected him.
This went on for years.
I arranged couples counselling but the counsellor was more concerned with feeling sorry for him (she actually told him that). So now everything was officially my fault which i never questioned again until last week.

Obviously no sex = no kids.
I had a breakdown.

His support through both things was to give me space i.e. not to do anything at all. It was all up to me.

I finally found a website which helped me cure the vaginismus and have two beautiful but cheeky kids but my feelings around sex are so ducked that I'll have to be alone.
It doesn't sound like sexual abuse and I'm taking a real risk writing this.

I wouldn't blame anyone for not seeing it

KarmaNoMore Thu 17-Nov-16 13:40:28

I am really sorry that you find yourself in this position. It is horrible to know you are the victim and yet be victimised again by people who doubt your claims, reject your facts and even make you believe you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

I have found it easier to stop trying to convince people you are the victim in this situation. You were, you know it, and you are not supposed to be justifying yourself as this hurts you even more.

The important thing here is that you were not happy, you don't require the approval of people to validate your feelings and you certainly shouldn't be expected to prove your claims (this is not a court process), so it may be easier just to limit your conversations about the subject to people you trust that can support you. The best answer to the ones who doubt you is "There are many painful things you don't know about so, for the sake of our friendship, I would appreciate if you avoid passing judgement on my situation, you have no knowledge to judge".

Well done in getting rid of him, you should be proud of that as I imagine with him being "nice" in the surface you may not have much support. Now use that same strength to tell people where to go. flowers

Wilhamenawonka Thu 17-Nov-16 13:46:30

When i was a sahm with no1 he lost his job.
He always loses his jobs because he is pa at work because he doesn't like being told what to do.
He was out of work for 2 years and i truly believed he was looking hard for work. He seemed so upset about letting us all down.
It turned out that the whole time yes he'd been applying for jobs but not properly. Once i found out and went nuts he found a decent job within weeks. No coincidence that it was exactly when my savings ran out.

stubbornstains Thu 17-Nov-16 14:02:47

Keep talking xxx

flippinada Thu 17-Nov-16 14:07:27

I believe you Wilhamena (great username btw smile ).

I suffered the same myself and understand what a debilitating effect it has on you. The self questioning and fear you won't be believed its part of the abuse, it's so cruel. Please be kind to yourself.

Meadows76 Thu 17-Nov-16 14:12:49

I absolutely belive you xx

Haffdonga Thu 17-Nov-16 14:14:53

I believe you Wihamena

flippinada Thu 17-Nov-16 14:16:20

By the way, that link you put up describes my XP to a tee! You are not alone, you really aren't. I get it and others will too. If it helps, keep talking on here.

Wilhamenawonka Thu 17-Nov-16 14:16:58

So many thousands of tiny, small and huge examples are milling around in my head.

I've spent so many years trying to get him to love me that im totally enmeshed.

Passive aggression is so cruel because it's like poking an animal.
When they eventually snap they are the bad one and get told off. Except i was telling myself off. If only i could be more patient or understanding or supportive then we'd be ok.

I spent many years in therapy trying to fix myself and make myself a better person.

And all the people on the outside saw was me being impatient or a bitch to this lovely gentle helpful man.

Paulat2112 Thu 17-Nov-16 14:17:55

I believe you

Wilhamenawonka Thu 17-Nov-16 14:21:04

Obviously I'm horribly co-dependent.

That works for the family at the moment as my children are so young but as they grow I'm going to have to beat it for their sakes.

Thank you all so much. I'm sat here crying (while small stuff giggles at peppa pig ☺) .

Your posts mean so much

Wilhamenawonka Thu 17-Nov-16 14:26:36

flippin how have you recovered.
I don't know how to exist. I'm not a person. How do i find out who i am?
When the kids see him at the weekend i don't go out because everything is a reminder of what I've lost. And i don't know what to do or where to go.

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