Difficult marriage. Not ready to leave

[burgundyandgoldleaves]

I don't know what I expect from this thread, but please, please don't berate me for not leaving. I'm not saying it's never on the cards, but it isn't going to be tomorrow or next week or anything like that, I need to get my head clear first.

I don't even know what to say now.

I feel he often puts me down. I feel he often makes out I think something he thinks when I don't think it at all, or that he twists something to make me in the wrong and at fault.

He complains about housework, gets stressed about mess. I do try really hard to keep on top of everything but at the same time we have a dog and young children and sometimes thinks just get messed up. Like I've been painting and I must not have put the paint lid on properly, it's my fault but he will go on about things like that as if it's some sort of personal character flaw instead of a simple accident.

He's sometimes pushy about sex, he can be quite demanding.

I just feel quite sad about it just now. I feel in some ways life was almost easier before I knew what he was like.

He will

Rest and look after yourself OP. Things will get clearer when you're ready for it. I hope you have RL support, come and talk here whenever it helps.

burg there are some fantastic posters replying to you... listen to them all, especially EE.

You have had your head muddled for a long time, the fog will lift slowly and surely, dont overthink things, just take it as it comes.

I believe in you too.

I haven't been asked by my kids in depth why I left their father and they are teens. I have years to carefully cultivate suitable answers. It's not a one stop shop. They don't just ask once and that's your only time to answer. They don't even ask at all. Sometimes they wonder things

One thing resonated with me that another poster said

The question I had for my mother now as an adult is... why didn't you want more for me, for you, for us? Why did you let the fear of change hold you back? My father was physically violent only to me, not mother or sister. But he was otherwise awful to them and all of us. Why me? Why didn't you protect me?
I chose to protect my children and they do not ask me these questions. I now feel like they believe in me. Even when I didn't believe in me. They just did. They knew I was doing it all for them. They are teens and have told me on many occasions im glad we don't live with daddy. They know. They just know. I don't have to spell anything out

Thank you. I really do appreciate all your responses.

I think I need to think of 2017 as the year I really sort some stuff out that has been lingering since DD was born so 2014, really.

I'm working again now, but it's temporary. And it's stupid but I'm so shy at work, I need to try and make an effort and talk to people. It does mean I've got money of my own but it's generally gone by Sunday lol (get paid on Friday.) I need to save some.

Definitely think and take some time.

Being in an abusive relationship brings a kind of fog down into your brain which is really hard to push away and makes all kinds of things - boundaries, knowing what you want, memory of incidents, logic, planning, thinking in straight lines at all... they all get jumbled up and it's hard to see any of them clearly.

Some people go a step further and classify the fog as "FOG" = Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

In my experience it also causes these kinds of negative thinking patterns where you think of one bad thing and it all spirals down into every niggling doubt you have about yourself. That's overwhelming and makes it harder to act, too.

Checking in on you burgundy, hope you're doing ok. It's great that you're working, it gives you some independence and can really help self esteem.