Difficult marriage. Not ready to leave

[burgundyandgoldleaves]

I don't know what I expect from this thread, but please, please don't berate me for not leaving. I'm not saying it's never on the cards, but it isn't going to be tomorrow or next week or anything like that, I need to get my head clear first.

I don't even know what to say now.

I feel he often puts me down. I feel he often makes out I think something he thinks when I don't think it at all, or that he twists something to make me in the wrong and at fault.

He complains about housework, gets stressed about mess. I do try really hard to keep on top of everything but at the same time we have a dog and young children and sometimes thinks just get messed up. Like I've been painting and I must not have put the paint lid on properly, it's my fault but he will go on about things like that as if it's some sort of personal character flaw instead of a simple accident.

He's sometimes pushy about sex, he can be quite demanding.

I just feel quite sad about it just now. I feel in some ways life was almost easier before I knew what he was like.

Ps he sounds like a rapist - aren't you ever scared of him?!

It's because you did not want to do what he wanted you to. And despite protesting, he dismissed you saying no. And then to add to it, he laughed about it afterwards. He sounds really mean. That's an understatement

OK, what can we do to help?

Just listen?

Offer suggestions for getting out?

Is our horror helping you?

What you're saying is quite shocking, but our shock might make you clam up.

The thing is Stardrop'it probably does sound awful, to me it isn't, it's just how my life is. I know from the outside it looks and sounds awful but I'm inside it and I just can't see it as I'm in the belly of it and can't see from the outside. I said on my other thread, I'm much better at seeing DH now, but I still have blurry vision.

Doin, honestly I am just appreciating everything at the moment. Just having space to say, actually, this is my life, this is my marriage, talk about things from YEARS ago that still bother me without feeling stupid about it.

Do you think you can get stronger and stronger? Or do you have days where he just wears you down with whatever is going on.... sexual demands or not putting the lid on a pot.

Totally agree with Doin we want to help

In the school thread you said you'd separated before (I think). Why did he end up coming back?

Both, really. I mean, I am much better. There was a time when I just believed what he said, took his word. I don't know why I did that.

It's hard to explain.

Although I've told you the bad stuff, I haven't been able to write much about how i think a part of me must like him taking charge, I certainly used to like it. Even when I don't really like it, it does make me feel safe. And we do have a strong bond. I love spending time with him. I'm not sure. I suppose we've just been together for so long and he convinced me it's really not that bad and we owe it to each other and the children to try. Maybe he is right.

Google trauma bonding and Co dependency

Thank you. I will - I want to understand why I'm so accepting when I feel other women would not be.

This is no life OP. Please stay here and talk.

IT is great that you are questioning this now, OP. Well done.
Maybe you are more aware of it because of the age of your children. Do you think they are starting to notice things, or is he behaving badly to them?

Keep talking to us, telling us what you have noticed and what you feel. What you feel is important. You are allowed to have your own feelings, even if he doesn't like them!

The time will come when you are ready to contact Womens' Aid. They are absolutely non judgemental. It's really hard here on MN when everyone is screaming Leave The Bastard, and life isn't like that. The people at WA understand that, and frankly it's a fucking lonely place when you are being used as a wanking aid. It's a long process for some people. Others may decide very fast.

I feel because I've said yes for so long, even though I haven't been comfortable with everything, I can't start saying no.

You see burgundy, there is nothing wrong with wanting a strong decisive husband but he steps over the line. He belittles you, he laughs at your discomfort, he pushes the boundaries with you all the time, he berates you and he takes no notice of what you say.

I found myself nodding through a lot of that trauma bonding thing.

He can and other times isn't. Like occasionally he has really hurt me. By accident but still. And I've seen the shock on his face and then he starts apologising and he's so so sincere and it wins me over even though I know it should not.

OP well done for posting. You know deep down this isn't right and that he's controlling you and hurting you.
Gather your courage and work a way to think about leaving. Think about your beautiful children and the future they deserved and the future YOU deserve.
Contact women's aid or refuge or one of those agencies. They will know how to help.
But well done for talking about this. Well done!

I'm frightened of what my future looks like without him in it. I know that's pathetic but I'm just being honestl I can't think that far ahead yet.

If he hurts you repeatedly then it isn't an accident, love

He enjoys it but then realises if he goes a tiny bit far you might have to explain any injuries

Because he's done such a good job on you over many years 😔

Because controlling, vile people aren't vile ALL the time - they're nice enough, often enough, to keep you there.

Because you're scared of going it alone, because HE has told you that you can't.

So many reasons you are clinging on, whilst actually knowing you shouldn't be.

Write it down, anything you think of, none of us are judging you 💐

I think sometimes, he has these flashes and it's as if I can see on his face that he's horrified but then the sneery mask comes on

You aren't pathetic, you have been ground down by him, you have lost your confidence. Anyone would be frightened of the future with what you've gone through over years.

I don't know if it's normal or not but it's almost like I can detach to a point where it's not really happening, I even remember the first time I did it when he made me - well I say made and I suppose I could have said no but he wanted sex in the back of his car and it was near Christmas time and it hurt such a lot because of how I had to lie and I just remember staring out of the rear window and singing a Christmas carol I'd heard earlier in my head until he'd finished.