Difficult marriage. Not ready to leave

[burgundyandgoldleaves]

I don't know what I expect from this thread, but please, please don't berate me for not leaving. I'm not saying it's never on the cards, but it isn't going to be tomorrow or next week or anything like that, I need to get my head clear first.

I don't even know what to say now.

I feel he often puts me down. I feel he often makes out I think something he thinks when I don't think it at all, or that he twists something to make me in the wrong and at fault.

He complains about housework, gets stressed about mess. I do try really hard to keep on top of everything but at the same time we have a dog and young children and sometimes thinks just get messed up. Like I've been painting and I must not have put the paint lid on properly, it's my fault but he will go on about things like that as if it's some sort of personal character flaw instead of a simple accident.

He's sometimes pushy about sex, he can be quite demanding.

I just feel quite sad about it just now. I feel in some ways life was almost easier before I knew what he was like.

My son is nine, my daughter is nearly 3. They are both still at the age where they adore their mummy and we are close but I'm scared of having to explain to them, one day, and not being able to explain.

Like AF I grew up with a dick of a dad. My parents are still together but all their children have addiction/massive mental health issues. It's not great.

Your children don't have to have that. It's within your power to change their futures. You can make them strong and emotionally confident. But you won't do that if you stay with your husband.

I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear.

You will be able to explain.
Your DS needs to see that his mother can stand up for herself, that she makes healthy choices for herself, that his father's behaviour is not acceptable - this will give him a chance to develop loving relationships himself.
Your DD? Well, would you wish your life on her?

Children see and hear and understand more than we give them credit for.
And they grow up.
I am now 50, there are many things about my parent's relationship that I now understand far better than I did when I lived at home, growing up. I think that is something every child goes through. And every child thinks that however things are at home is 'normal' - don't allow your H to give your DCs a skewed perception of what is normal.

I'm not sure I could tell you much about my parents' marriage, so I'm not sure in all honesty. I'm not saying that's a reason to stay but I don't know they will magically glean what's actually going on, either.

My mother is still with my dickhead father

We are low contact, my choice, and have been for several years. My parents live only a few miles away but it's birthdays and Xmas only and even then it is strained and short lived. They hardly know anything about the lives of their grandchildren

The only "question" I have for my mother is why she felt her relationship was more important than the emotional wellbeing of her children. Why she continually put his needs, and by extension her own, above mine.

That last paragraph puts chills into me as well.

I wish someone could look twenty years into the future and tell me it's all right.

They will demand explanations that I can't give without telling them things children shouldn't hear, no matter how old they get.

You can't control what they ask. You can control what you tell them. You will get great advice here. How about "We both love you very much and feel we are better parents to you when we are apart" ?
You don't have to tell them about your relationship.

They will blame me
They might do. They might blame him. You can't control that. All you can say is that it has been done with them in mind.

They will side with / listen to their dad when they are older.
I'd say that's really unlikely. Nobody enjoys spending time with a wanker. They have seen how he acts towards their teachers and you. I think they will end up cutting him out long term.

They will listen to what he may say about me
You just say "I think you're too intelligent to believe that, darling"

They will stop loving me
Never. Absolutely never.

They will resent / hate me.
Meh. All teens resent all parents now and again.

You know in your heart they are better off without him hanging around being an abusive arsehole. You really do them down if you think your kids are not intelligent enough to be picking up bad vibes from him.

They may stop loving me. I have to face up to that possibility. I'm not sure the explanation about being better parents apart would work - they'd want to know why, DS especially. (I'm not being difficult here, by the way. It's honestly what I feel.)

I am on my pc now so will type a little more

You are doing your children downto say you don't they will glean anything negative from the interactions between their parents. You are forettin they have eyes, ears, and brains of their own. They have their sense of right and wrong. When they go to spend time in friend's houses they will see that it isn't normal for daddies to be in charge all the time. For mummies to back down for a quiet life. For mummy to be on tranquilisers/anti d's to get her through the day and survive the toxic atmosphere (mine was... if you are not...it won't be long until you are), for daddy to be the type of bloke whose reputation goes before him

When they do their PHSE lessons at school (or whatever they call it these days) they will learn that all people should be treated with respect and they will start to question their own situation. As they get older, external influences start to have more of an impact. You will not be able to protect them from properly analysing their dysfunctional family life forever.

From about the ae of 8, I stopped appeasing my father. That's when it got worse.

I wish someone could look twenty years into the future and tell me it's all right.

None of us can say that, about your life or ours.

My parents have been married for 50+ years, they are very much together and I think would tell you they have a happy and strong marriage. And they do, but largely because my mother has always taken 2nd place behind my father wants and needs. Now, my DF is a nice person and a good man, not at all abusive, but very very old school entitled. He won't change (he's 83) and she won't change and they are in a very entrenched distribution of roles.
So that's fine, but not what I want for myself.
I have made choices in my relationship that my parents would be shocked by, but it's my life and the only one I am going to live.

Your life is your life.
None of us can tell you how to live it, but you need to be quite clear that if nothing changes, nothing changes.

I would argue that if things are the same in 20 years, that's pretty bad tbh.

You're stronger than me, AF, I never stopped trying to please mine. One of the reasons I think I find it so hard with DH now is because of my parents and mum in particular ... yes, she was awful, but she was my MUM, so she can't have been abusive? Even though I know if DS came home and said someone in his class was the same, I'd say that was abuse?

I guess I kind of think the children would deserve to know why I left, but in a sanitised sort of way.

They won't stop loving you. That is him talking. You have the right to live a life free from fear and abuse.

In the interests of fairness, that's definitely me! In the days when I didn't want children, I used to say that was why - that them not loving me would break me.

Those closest to us have the power to hurt us the most.

Of course your mother can have been abusive to you.

You are the centre of your children's universe - they will not stop loving you for developing self-respect, they won't.

I know Pacific but it doesn't feel she was, and it's the same with DH, I know it should feel like abuse, but it somehow doesn't because it is him.

Children have no choice but to love their parents - which is why it is the parents goddamn responsibility to be loving towards them AND show them the way in a loving and supportive manner.

Your mother can be abusive.

Most abusers have family.

I am strong now burg. But I am quite, quite old.

Not so much during my teens when I made some godawful choices I now put down to the way I was taught to interact with men.

I don't love her now. I don't know now if I ever did. Maybe she just ruined me forever. I don't know. I don't know if I love her or not actually! I had an operation a few years ago and came out of the anasthetic saying I wanted her, crying, so maybe I do and I've just refused to admit it.

Freedom Program - if you think you could do this safely, do the online program.
The RL course is even better (and provides good peer support too), but you need to make a start somewhere.
Your perception of 'normal' needs resetting and you have made a start with your recent threads.

I did not post on your school thread as I came to it very late, but surely on the back of that thread you cannot still believe that your H's behaviour is not having an effect on your DCs?

Oh, burgendy, we all cry for our mothers when we are distressed and our defences are down! Really though, we are crying for the security and comfort and safety the word 'mother' gives us - the feeling any mother should give her children.
You crying for yours does not mean that she was in fact a good mother to you.
I don't know of course, you are the judge of that.

Burg, I have seen you give some lovely responses on other threads. You are clearly a lovely person. I hope you can start doling some of that out to your own self very soon.

Pacific, honestly I feel like people are going to get annoyed with me but I just don't see what it was I posted in the school thread that made people think DH was harming the children?

My main source of unhappiness in the marriage is the sex, it's demanded and it makes me feel shit because it's so perverse and saying no isn't an option.

Oh, when my dickhead father finally dies I will cry. I imagine the floodgates will open for sure and I will wail for a week. But not for what he was to me, but for what he should have been

Thanks, AF :)

I'm trying, really hard - I think it's almost time to call time on the marriage but I feel if I do too much too quickly then it'll go wrong and I'll end up begging him to come back. I've been doing a bit of voluntary work and last week there was a social thing and I ended up not going, had nothing to wear but I said i just wanted to stay in with DH and he didn't say much but I could tell he was pleased.