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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Difficult marriage. Not ready to leave

232 replies

burgundyandgoldleaves · 01/12/2016 19:33

I don't know what I expect from this thread, but please, please don't berate me for not leaving. I'm not saying it's never on the cards, but it isn't going to be tomorrow or next week or anything like that, I need to get my head clear first.

I don't even know what to say now.

I feel he often puts me down. I feel he often makes out I think something he thinks when I don't think it at all, or that he twists something to make me in the wrong and at fault.

He complains about housework, gets stressed about mess. I do try really hard to keep on top of everything but at the same time we have a dog and young children and sometimes thinks just get messed up. Like I've been painting and I must not have put the paint lid on properly, it's my fault but he will go on about things like that as if it's some sort of personal character flaw instead of a simple accident.

He's sometimes pushy about sex, he can be quite demanding.

I just feel quite sad about it just now. I feel in some ways life was almost easier before I knew what he was like.

OP posts:
Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 02/12/2016 22:36

No, that's fine, I get that, it's just they will ask and they won't be asking thinking 'I want to know about what my parents life was like and how they had sex' but that's one of the main reasons.

OP posts:
CauliflowerSqueeze · 02/12/2016 22:36

I think it will be a relief for them that you will stick to a boundary. Kids crave power but cannot handle it, remember. It's not shutting them down, it's telling them what they need to know at that stage.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 02/12/2016 22:38

This is what makes me wonder if I'm not very good with parenting, with setting boundaries.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 02/12/2016 22:45

Well, that's another can of worms that I won't get into right now.

But yes - saying "He was sexually abusive to me" is a detailed enough explanation for your (once old enough) children - please DON'T tell them any more. I'm not more understanding of why my parents divorced because my mum told me details. It actually just makes it really difficult to think about the whole thing. I would have preferred that she didn't exactly say. I think she spoke about it because she had never really opened up to anyone before and suddenly I was 16 and basically an adult in her mind but it wasn't a good move. If nothing else, it set my bar for male treatment really, really low, which didn't work out well for me.

You don't need to worry about any of this yet. Or boundaries. You know what's appropriate now so that's okay. You can easily redirect them or say that he hurt you/said unkind things.

They will get it through context. If they're too young to understand the context then they're also too young to know.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 02/12/2016 22:46

I feel like my instincts on parenting are all wrong Sad as 16 was an age where I'd think I could talk to them a bit more?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 02/12/2016 22:51

Right. But, you have seven years to get to that point. Worry about that later. Staying in this marriage isn't going to improve your parenting skills, is it?

(Honestly, I'm struggling with mine a bit too, I don't know if it's related, possibly it is...)

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 02/12/2016 22:52

I feel a bit like DH is the better parent in some ways. Worried that with just me they will run rings around me.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 02/12/2016 22:55

No-one can know how their life is going to be or what conversations they may have very far into the future.

All we can do is get ourselves in as good a state as we can manage to deal with what may come our way.

How is Christmas prep coming along? Mine is going quite well atm (for a change!) because I am managing not to overthink it so much this year...

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 02/12/2016 22:56

I don't know if this helps burg, but I have very recently ended an abusive relationship and moved out with DCs similar ages to yours. When we told them about separating, they didn't ask for details as to why, they wanted to know the practicalities - how often will they see dad, where will that be, where will we live. The older one saw and heard far more than she should have Sad of the problems between us, and recently said she likes the situation now because it's calm at home. I don't think I'll ever go into any detail about my marriage, but they will draw their own conclusions when they're teenagers.
I understand the self doubt, when your self image has been eroded by an abusive man with a skewed perspective on reality it's hard to re establish a clear picture. I think counselling will help me, when I'm ready. My mum stayed in an awful marriage and barely a day went by when I didn't want her to leave. I grieved when my dad died, but I also didn't want to become my mum as a parent. Leaving was the hardest, bravest and best thing I've done. My energy now is reserved for doing the best I can for my DCs and me, not syphoned into managing a difficult man and treading on eggshells waiting for the next outburst. I'm nowhere near through the woods yet, maybe never will be, but it's a much better place than it was a month ago. Wishing you strength - you do deserve happiness and I hope you get it. Flowers

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 02/12/2016 22:56

I am a terrible present buyer. I hate it! If a child sees a bit of random crap and sets their heart on it I buy it but actually thinking of things they might want, I'm rubbish at.

OP posts:
Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 02/12/2016 22:57

Thank you EE, you sound very brave.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 02/12/2016 22:58

x-post you will have better boundaries, and no-one to undermine you, this will minimise the ring-running (though some is inevitable, it's what kids do :)

Solasum · 02/12/2016 22:58

Maybe have as an impassable boundary in your head that you need never ever talk to your own children about your own sex life, no matter how old they are Smile

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 02/12/2016 22:59

Well, I didn't really mean that sola

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 02/12/2016 23:03

Bertie Thanks

And EE Thanks - hope your live goes from strength to happiness.

burgundy, be aware that it is your need to be 'honest' by which I mean it's not your DC who demand what you perceive as honesty, it is YOU feeling this need to justify your (possible, future, as yet theoretical) actions. Don't end up making your DCs your confessioner or telling them stuff to unburden yourself. They are not your counsellor.
Again, I am not saying that you would, but be aware.
Like EE described children want to know v straightforward stuff: what will happen now? Where will I sleep? Can my favourite soft toy come with us?

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 02/12/2016 23:04

Oh, I don't know. I am probably exaggerating a lot of stuff. Making it more than it is, in my head.

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 02/12/2016 23:05

I suspect you are minimising. And finding ways to justify his actions.
Sad

Solasum · 02/12/2016 23:07

I think by the time your children are teenagers they will be very used to you being divorced from their dad (assuming you do it while they are littleish). I don't think they will really be after much information on why things didn't work between you. I am sure they will ask, but I doubt very much they will keep asking to get all the details. Cross the bridge when you come to the River....

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 02/12/2016 23:09

He has been really stressed at work lately

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 02/12/2016 23:12

Yes, so have I.

I have NOT berated DH.
I have NOT manipulated in to anything sexual he has stated out loud he is uncomfortable with.
I have NOT discouraged him from something he wanted to undertake at work.
I have NOT belittled his choice of reading or entertainment - ok, I do take the piss about his love for Jeremy Clarkson Grin

Stress at work does not justify behaving in an abusive manner.
Lots of stressed people are NOT abusive.

Stop making excuses for him.

TheSilveryPussycat · 02/12/2016 23:13

So has everybody been stressed at work lately.

My fault was perfectionism - and doubting every present decision because I wanted it to be just right for the giftee. This year I have embraced the tat Grin

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 02/12/2016 23:13

Maybe you need to learn to trust your own instincts and judgements burgundy. Look at it as if it was s friend, or your DD in a few years' time - how would you view their situation? What would you want for them?
It's incredibly hard when you have had your confidence undermined for years. But silvery is so right, boundaries are so much easier when you aren't having to fight gaslighting and madness all the time. I've read your posts elsewhere not knowing your situation and it's clear you are a compassionate, intelligent woman who can be a great mum. I believe in you.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 02/12/2016 23:14

I don't know, I need to think. Yesterday things were clear and today they are not.

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 02/12/2016 23:19

Yes, think.
And take your time.

Hope you get some sleep tonight.

CharlotteCollins · 02/12/2016 23:24

You sound tired. Get some rest if you can.

And remember that we are all muddling our way through life, trying to the best we can. Mistrust the people who never have a moment's self-doubt...