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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Difficult marriage. Not ready to leave

232 replies

burgundyandgoldleaves · 01/12/2016 19:33

I don't know what I expect from this thread, but please, please don't berate me for not leaving. I'm not saying it's never on the cards, but it isn't going to be tomorrow or next week or anything like that, I need to get my head clear first.

I don't even know what to say now.

I feel he often puts me down. I feel he often makes out I think something he thinks when I don't think it at all, or that he twists something to make me in the wrong and at fault.

He complains about housework, gets stressed about mess. I do try really hard to keep on top of everything but at the same time we have a dog and young children and sometimes thinks just get messed up. Like I've been painting and I must not have put the paint lid on properly, it's my fault but he will go on about things like that as if it's some sort of personal character flaw instead of a simple accident.

He's sometimes pushy about sex, he can be quite demanding.

I just feel quite sad about it just now. I feel in some ways life was almost easier before I knew what he was like.

OP posts:
Roussette · 01/12/2016 19:43

Nobody will berate you for not leaving him straightaway. You need to get the strength to do that and that will take time.

Does he share chores with you or does he have the idea it's womens work? You should be a partnership, pulling together to bring up your children and enjoy each other.

You do sound sad burgundy. Do you find it impossible to stand up to him?

Flowers
Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 01/12/2016 19:48

Thanks for replying :)

I do stand up to him. I never used to, but I will where the children are concerned.

He doesn't really share chores, if he does he makes a big drama out of it. He was clearing up some toys earlier, throwing them in a box and muttering "fucks sake, what have you been doing all day?" at me.

OP posts:
category12 · 01/12/2016 19:48

When you say he's pushy about sex, do you mean he nags or pressures or get stroppy if you don't have sex with him, makes life difficult if you don't, does it to you anyway?

Have you got supportive friends and family around?

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 01/12/2016 19:54

It depends, really. I'm just going to speak frankly - he will initiate sex and if I say no, he just goes on and on, he will shove his hands everywhere, he will pull my underwear down as I'm pulling it back up. Usually I just give in as when he's in a mood like that it doesn't take long. He had ejaculated in my face before. I hate that so much and last time I hit him (not hard, but sort of shoved his shoulder, hurt my hand more than him) and he just laughed at me.

OP posts:
category12 · 01/12/2016 19:59

Oh OK Sad. I think you might like to talk to Rape Crisis or Women's Aid.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 01/12/2016 20:00

I feel I can't. To me, it doesn't feel at all like rape, it feels like what it is, annoying, pestering but not rape. I'm not trying to be awkward it's just how it feels.

OP posts:
Roussette · 01/12/2016 20:06

The trouble is OP, he has absolutely zero respect for you. He doesn't care whether you are happy or not, he doesn't want you to be happy, he wants to dominate and "win".

Apart from bastard wanker 'ex' from a long time ago that lasted a short time, I have no experience of this as I have for all intents and purposes a good marriage. However, having been here forever I do know that there are posters on here with a huge pool of knowledge of what to do in a practical sense.

I think you know this isn't right, and I know you have left him once, however the second time if that happens (and I think it should) will be harder so hopefully someone will come along to help.

I wish you strength

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 01/12/2016 20:10

He thinks I will be happy, if I do exactly as he wants and exactly as he says, you see. The sex thing is a case in point. He will repeatedly say that I want it, that I "love it", that I'm as up for it as he is. I'm not. But he decides that what I need in life right now is sex and so I get it. Even though I don't want it at all!

Even when I say "no, that is not what happened, I said no." He will say that 'yeah? Like you said no before?'

Leaving him is so clear cut when I write on here, and so muffled and muted in real life.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 01/12/2016 20:12

Don't get hung up on a label. It's wrong wrong wrong.

Intimacy with your partner should be fun and warm and all about giving joy.

He has destroyed that. I hope you can leave him soon. He sounds vile.

Roussette · 01/12/2016 20:14

He thinks I will be happy, if I do exactly as he wants and exactly as he says, you see

Well.... yeah... he would. He's a controlling arse.

category12 · 01/12/2016 20:17

Have you read any of the resources that are often brought up here about types of abusers, gaslighting and things like that?

pklme · 01/12/2016 20:19

IT is really difficult sometimes, when this kind of behaviour feels normal. You don't like it, but you are used to it, so it's hard to make changes.
The thing is, you aren't happy.
You don't want your children to learn how to be like him.
He isn't going to change because this is how he likes things.

Try to look after yourself, value yourself, and decide what you would like to change to feel happier.

GloriaGaynor · 01/12/2016 20:22

If you don't want to use the term rape, can you accept this is sexual abuse?

AnyFucker · 01/12/2016 20:24

He is raping you. Those are not the actions of a loving partner. He doesn't care whether you consent or not.

Sex within marriage should feel safe, no matter how kinky it is. The boundaries should be mutual agreed. Yes should mean yes and no should mean only no unless otherwise prearranged.

You are in a fully sexually and emotionally abusive relationship.

Lilacpink40 · 01/12/2016 20:29

Or call it coersion / manipulation. Anything but intimacy because it's not.

Men who do this never just stop and never get better, from my experience and from others on here. No guilt!

If you can't leave, are there steps you can take (at least ask for separation in home)?

Seachangeshell · 01/12/2016 20:32

I'm so sorry for you OP - he sounds awful. I absolutely would not stand for this myself. I wouldn't feel safe experiencing what you describe. Do you?

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 01/12/2016 20:35

Thank you, thank you for replying.

Pk, this is largely the problem, it is normal to me. I know it isn't but my own sense of what is normal are so vastly skewed. AnyFucker, this is so embarrassing but when we first got together he was into a. Lot of stuff like that and he made me think I liked it. I think I did but it scared me as well but maybe that was part of the liking it. I had no idea about boundaries or abuse or anything like that then, not a clue. He would say we would do something, and I would. I remember once driving home after a friends wedding and it was really late at night and in the middle of countryside and he made me get out of the car and take off my dress and everything and just lie there naked and he just kept grabbing me and groping me and I was freezing even though it was July and he wouldn't let me up and I felt really uncomfortable and embarrassed. The next day he made it into a massive turn on. It obviously was for him. But I said, actually I didn't like it, I was frightened, I was embarrassed, I was cold and he just dismissed it as if I'd loved it and was backtracking because I was embarrassed for liking it when actually I remember vividly what I felt and it was completely humiliated. And that sounds so bad when I write it down (this is why writing it down helps) otherwise it's just someone says to me, what's so bad about your relationship. And I clam up, I don't know what to say!

OP posts:
Roussette · 01/12/2016 20:43

Oh burgundy that is so awful. And yes your sense of what is normal has been totally skewed because he is and has been controlling you. I'm so glad you've posted.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 01/12/2016 20:44

But this is maybe where it's daft. That would have been summer 2005. So over ten years ago, why am I banging on about it now?

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 01/12/2016 20:45

Oh god, that is horrific what he did to you.

It's also pretty clear that he gets off on raping you.

He knows you don't like it.

That turns him on.

Roussette · 01/12/2016 20:45

Nobody forgets being humiliated, that's why.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 01/12/2016 20:46

That's true Rousette I don't know why infect so humiliated and exposed. He found it funny. Doin I'm desperate to say your wrong but I don't think you are.

OP posts:
Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 01/12/2016 20:46

you're!!

OP posts:
Stardrop81 · 01/12/2016 20:48

Burgundy - what will it take to get you to leave? Things are pretty bad as they are - do you really want worse to happen before you will go?

Take the smallest step you can towards leaving (e.g. open a seperate bank ac or work out where you could stay for a while with the children) and then see if you can take another one.

DoinItFine · 01/12/2016 20:48

I don't know why infect so humiliated and exposed

Because he wanted to humiliate you.

That was the intention.

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