I need it blunt and honest.

[Raineau]

Hello everyone, I'm hoping to get advice I probably already know but for whatever reasons am not listening to it. I'm mid 30's and have a child. I have been on my own since my husband left me pregnant to run off with his affair (haven't seen him since nor has my child) this is 9 years ago now.
Someone from work made a online dating page for me and I met a man a few years older than myself this was 7 years ago now. We would speak on face time and the speaking become daily. I would call him at all times and he has always picked up. He used to flirt with me and it went a little further than flirting as I thought we would meet up but he never asked. I would ask him but when the day would come around he would act as if I hadn't asked. So we have never met in person, only face time. I have his address as he does mine and I have checked him out and he lives alone. He tells me he has feelings for me and that he see's our lives together in the further but makes no attempt to make that happen. I have been honest with him and told him I'm beyond fed up of this but feel as if I'm now forcing him to meet me and if I have to do that I would rather it not happen.

He has told me that the last time he was with someone was a few months before he met me and he has been single all this time.

I feel as if this man have emotionally trapped me and I feel as if I can't step away but it's all so very strange and wrong.

What do I do?

How shocking, that you have become addicted to communicating with a person you've never met.

You asked for bluntness, so here goes....
This man is an inadequate weirdo. Because of the trauma of being left by your husband when you were pregnant, and because of the lonliness, you got yourself involved as you were getting something out of this, someone to talk to, someone to listen, someone who tells you he loves you. He has taken advantage of your fear and vulnerability. Maybe it served its purpose of taking off pressure to become involved with someone 'real' the prospect of which may have scared the hell out of you.
The reality is he doesn't 'love you' - that is all made up in his head. How could he? And even if he did which he doesn't why wouldn't he want to meet you, get to know you, spend time physically being with you, eating with you, going for walks with you? because he is inadequate He has his reasons why it suits him to be constantly in touch with someone he has no intention of meeting. And you had your reasons. That's why you got sucked in I think. So you didn't have to live in the world of reality and risk getting hurt. But even with this 'virtual relationship' you have been hurt! So that didn't work. Might as well get back into the real world where yes, you might get hurt again, but at least it would be by someone you've actually experienced reality with. With this now, you are getting nothing good.
I'm afraid you're doing this to yourself. You don't sound committed to cutting him off. You only 'hope' you'll be able to. If you don't want to become just as much of an inadequate weirdo, you need to stop this now and find better things to do with your time.
Dear Internet fantasy man, I have decided for the sake of a healthy happy life, I can no longer keep up this communication with you. I will now be deleting your details and blocking you on social media. I ask you to respect my wishes and allow me to move on Then cut this out of control fantasy off at the knees. Delete, block etc. Don't save his texts cards letters whatever. Just get rid of it all. Even if he suddenly wanted to meet you, marry you, spend the rest of his life with you etc, he has shown himself to be totally unsuitable, fucked-up, and probably hiding the many many inadequacies he undoubtedly has. . Is that really what you aspire to for yourself and your daughter? I don't think it is.

Don't berate yourself, humans are hardwired to connect and this cyber relationship was meeting your emotional needs on a scale of maybe 4 out of 10, which when you were feeling very avoidant yourself suited you perfectly. Now you're less avoidant, less afraid of intimacy, it's not suiting your needs anymore.

Sometimes it can be comforting to get your needs met in a half hearted sort of way when the alternative in the immediate timeframe is nothing. Nothing, not met at all, or met 40%.

But you're blocking your chances of getting your needs met to a higher degree in the future.

Sorry, it took me so long to write my response, I cross posted with you saying you've ended it. Well done. Now get his details off your phone and block him every which way. Glad you're seeing friends today.

I don't believe that even you believe this is over, op

Your passivity is monumental. You sound far too equivocal and easily swayed by falseness and empty platitudes.

You never answered whether you have posted about him before.

I don't think you sound passive now at all, OP. You've blocked his number, you've owned your mistakes and you're moving on.

Well done.

If you need a reminder to stand firm then just remind yourself that you have wasted 7 years of your life being strung along by this man.

Move on and don't waste another second.

AnyFucker- I did answer the question.
I did delete his number once before and I stopped talking to him and the contact on my side stopped. I lost my friend and in a weak moment I replied to his email and we started talking again slowly building up to daily again.
I deleted his number after texting him which I wanted to do to explain to him which I felt I wanted to do. I have now blocked his number not because I think he will bother me or continue to contact me but I may feel weak and contact him. He has been a large part of my life it might not have been real but yo me it felt real. I asked for the advice I think in hope someone justified all these years and I wouldn't feel so cross with myself but everyone feels the same way which is that this isn't a real relationship and never will be.

AF. she has answered that question.

In time op you know will see the wood for the trees and reAlize what a monumental tosspot he is.

I have terrible will-power, Raineau, and can find hope in the most awful of relationships. It´s something I´ve had to work on throughout my life (I´m a lot better at walking away now). One thing that I find really works for me is instead of saying that you are cutting contact forever, is saying that you are going to stop contact and focus elsewhere for a month. Then after a month, think how you are doing and decide with what is hopefully a more rational mind if you should be getting in contact again, or if no-contact for another while is a good idea. So then you decide to leave it for three months. When you revisit the question after three months, then generally normalcy has returned and you decide that the loser is gone for good.

Maybe something similar might work for you? It might be easier to manage if "forever" seems to much to deal with right way?

Raineau,

Your username is beautiful.

You come across as a lovely person with a lot to give .

You have been giving your love to a shadow for 7 years. Please follow through with cutting him off.
Good luck and love yourself xx

Iminshock- Thank you for your kind comment. I am doing as (sonjadog) commented with stopping all contact and thinking of it as each week at a time.

Someone wrote that I should read a book by Natalie Lue - I downloaded it last night and I have read it all. It's called - the dreamer and the fantasy relationship. It's a very eye opening book and I felt as if she was writing about me. I don't think this man I have spent seven years talking to have set out to be mean and hurtful by leading me on I honestly think he is as messed up as me and we both are scared of commitment. I think this man is more avoidant than myself, and I think he should not have said the things he did and promise things he wouldn't do but I feel sad for him just as much as me because no one can live their life like we have and be truly happy.

Thank you to everyone that posted your advice and support I really appreciate all that help and it has helped me take the step of walking away which I needed to do.

Thank you. ☺️

That's a lovely message and fwiw
I think you have been very brave. Good luck x

Wow, I can't believe you've read the book already

I'm very impressed.

OK, now you're ready for my next recommendation! Already

Please read ''Attached'' by Rachel Heller and Amir Levine.

It is an extremely good read. It explained a lot to me.

practically every reviewer gives this five stars and I would too

Thank you. I don't know how everyone else knows about all these books. I'm going to download it and they will be my next read, by the end of all this I would of read all the self help books on Amazon. Thank you again.

Raineau, I had an online relationship with someone I met on Twitter for two years. I met him three times and had to fight for every single one of them. I'd spend hours every evening, and sometimes well into the early morning, talking to him, texting sometimes 100s of times a day. After the last time we met I knew I didn't want to do it anymore. This man enjoyed the online relationship, and he was funny, and clever, and kind. In real life he was critical and petty and bitchy. After the last time, I went home, signed myself up for Match, and met someone amazing. Sitting in front of a screen or on the end of a phone is no substitute for real intimacy - going on dates, cooking a meal together, getting or giving a back rub, and of course, having great sex. Walking away it really hard, but you're only giving up an illusion. It's not real. Well done for being strong. The first few weeks will be tough, but if I hadn't done it I know nothing would have changed 4 years down the line, and that's no way to live a life.

LellyMckelly- Thanks for experience, I know this ridiculous "relationship" or whatever it was wasn't real but it felt real and the hope of it becoming real was something I was holding onto. I want to be in the place you was to move on with someone real.
Thanks for letting me know that.

Hello op. So have you cut all contact?

I think the relationship was good for you for the first year or two because you weren't looking for commitment but it was nice to have someone to talk, flirt and boost your self esteem having just split up and having had a baby. Then a kind of rut set in.

The Natalie Lue synsopsis sounds spot on, but your take on the last sentence "but I feel sad for him just as much as me because no one can live their life like we have and be truly happy" sounds like you feel sorry for him and want to save him. He needs to do that himself, and when he is ready. He isn't ready yet.

It sounds like you both like the fantasy of this other person but don't want to make contact and make everything real. To be honest the reality will probably be disappointing. And do you really want your future to be with a person who is so afraid of committing?

The flirty messages to other women, is also a red flag Id say.

You sound like you now want to move on to a different type of relationship and Id advise you to look after yourself and move on in your life.

Once you have cut him out of your life have you thought of joining some single parent groups? That way you could make women friends too and they will be more likely to be available at weekends which is often 'family (couples) time?

It would do you the world of good. Unless you could also get a babysitter so you could join groups relating to your interests.

Just caught up and I'm so glad you have told him your side and blocked him.
Now you just need to stay strong.
Hard as it is, but I reckon you'll do it this time.
Time to get out in the real world and find what you are looking for.

BitOutOfPractice- Yes I cut the contact. He has emailed every morning but I haven't opened them.

Yes I strangely felt sorry for him but I do have a recusing issue. I can add that to my many other issues lol

I met up with friends and I spent the time I would talking to him studying instead so that can only be a good thing.
I do get asked out and attention a lot and I have realised that I'm not fully ready to commit to someone but think speaking to my counsellor about that it can only make me see more clearly why.

I would love to meet other lone parents and I will look into that.

Thank you.

Well done Raineau and all the very best for your new life.