I need it blunt and honest.

[Raineau]

Hello everyone, I'm hoping to get advice I probably already know but for whatever reasons am not listening to it. I'm mid 30's and have a child. I have been on my own since my husband left me pregnant to run off with his affair (haven't seen him since nor has my child) this is 9 years ago now.
Someone from work made a online dating page for me and I met a man a few years older than myself this was 7 years ago now. We would speak on face time and the speaking become daily. I would call him at all times and he has always picked up. He used to flirt with me and it went a little further than flirting as I thought we would meet up but he never asked. I would ask him but when the day would come around he would act as if I hadn't asked. So we have never met in person, only face time. I have his address as he does mine and I have checked him out and he lives alone. He tells me he has feelings for me and that he see's our lives together in the further but makes no attempt to make that happen. I have been honest with him and told him I'm beyond fed up of this but feel as if I'm now forcing him to meet me and if I have to do that I would rather it not happen.

He has told me that the last time he was with someone was a few months before he met me and he has been single all this time.

I feel as if this man have emotionally trapped me and I feel as if I can't step away but it's all so very strange and wrong.

What do I do?

You know what you need to do op. It'll be hard withdraw but cold turkey is the only way. Good luck

You know what you need to do op. It'll be hard withdraw but cold turkey is the only way. Good luck

You know what you need to do op. It'll be hard withdraw but cold turkey is the only way. Good luck

Mathanxiety- cult member? I'm not sure what you mean?
I also have started counselling myself relating to this issue.

Read your posts back and look for signs of obsession on your part - looking him up, having your friend's husband check him, chatting about his weight and his issues here, accepting all the BS twice a day for seven years, calling this a friendship, wondering if he has someone else. You do not have any idea what he is doing during the time he is not monopolising your time. You talk about trying to walk away and failing because he has a hold over you that you have enabled.

Above all, you are not angry with him. You are like someone sleepwalking through her life.

Buy yourself a pile of chocolate or chewing gum or nail polish, or a stationary bicycle, and spend your evenings working out or stuffing your face, or doing your toenails.

I told him the things I wrote on here and he reponded with an "ok" and didn't seem to want to fight for anything so I will try to cut him off completely
You do not need his permission to stop this.

If his passive 'ok' makes you want to go back and have this conversation again in hopes of getting a reaction or permission, stop yourself.

You are going to have to live with no closure, no explanation, no understandable reason.

Good morning OP.
Hope you slept OK?
Have you got a day today where you can occupy yourself and keep away from any contact? Go out with your child, bake (as the weather looks a bit gloomy?) cinema?
Anything to filling that gap that to date, he has filled?
Have you deleted him yet?

Raineau, you focus on the idea that he might not find you attractive. Chances are that you would not like being around him if you met. And ffs don't meet him, he is very peculiar. Instead of speaking to him tonight, put some music on or watch a film. As SmallTown says, the first three weeks will be the hardest.

Don't be scared of the extra three hours in every day from now on. Find things to fill them. Is there a craft you like doing ? That would be a start.

You say he was sleeping with women before he 'met' you seven or eight years ago as if this is normal.

So he hasn't had sex or a real life relationship for eight years? That is unusual for a single normal looking man who uses social media and visits friends all around the country.

Also how does he have time to ring you twice a day and every evening for two hours? Does he have no social life? No work or family commitments? What about when he is supposedly away on these holidays?

He is either lying or a complete weirdo. Probably both.

Raineau, tangent here, but my theory, borne out now by 17 OLD dates is that men pitch above their weight when trying to meet a woman on line, so that means when they sit down opposite each other in real life, the choice about a second date is always the woman's. Because the man won't message overweight women, women older than him, women without a line up of four flattering photos......... literally ONCE out of all of the dates I went on did the man turn round and tell me there was ''no chemistry, obviously''. Usually that's my line! But without the 'obviously''! Cos that's a bit rude.

Have you started the no contact yet?

Message him this line ''I'm no longer motivated to be in contact with you''

Don't trip yourself up in knots trying to explain it which is what I did. My situation wasn't as extreme as yours as I'd met the man but I shouldn't have opened up my head and heart explaining and justifying why I was backing away.

oh I see you've already told him you're ending it. Well done.

Apologies for missing that. Well, treat yourself well today. Watch a film. Buy yourself a good book by an author you know you love. Go for a walk.

The hardest time might be when something happens. I remember 'my' cyber relationship, I had a job interview about 2 weeks after I stopped communicating with him and that was really hard as normally I would have discussed that with him, and he would have been very helpful and supportive etc. But I it passed, I didn't get the job, was glad i hadn't cracked and told him.

hold strong.

Ouch.

I would have to go round and finish it in person. I think the act of doing so would show me that I didn't really know him in reality.

Absolutely. Just turn up! What's the worst that could happen?

Unnecessary, small

And reported.

I did this...for a couple of years with an old friend who lived a few hundred miles away. Eventually I had to realise he was never going to 'do' anything about what we talked about, got up from my computer and walked away. I missed our time and talks terribly but I'm glad I did. Try go cold turkey it's better in long run I promise

Hi, I did text him last night saying, I don't think it's healthy for me to keep going on like this, that I want more then he could ever offer me so I can't hold on to something that isn't real. I was honest with how this has driven me crazy and if anyone else was telling me this story I would tell them they are acting like a crazy person and to walk away. He called a twice this morning I didn't pick up but I did realise that not blocking his number is me still holding on so I have blocked it.

What?? HOw completely ridiculous. There are people in wheelchairs. There are people who are married. I made no comment good or bad on the status of being in a wheelchair, my point, which mn missed entirely quite clearly is that he could well be hiding something of this magniture.

How completely ludicrous to delete my post as though the mere mention of a secret wheelchair or a secret wife was offensive. I presume it's the secret wheelchair that got my post deleted.

LUDICROUS over reaction there.

ps, I had to repeat my original post as I find that when posts are deleted there given more shock factor in the repeating of them afterwards.

Raineau well done. You're right, it's not healthy and you've told him it's not what you want. People are allowed to end relationships. Even if you had been together you'd be allowed to end it.. He clearly thought that you didn't mean it and could be talked around.

At the very least put your phone on silent. I would block though.

Thanks to everyone trying to help me see things clear. Everyone has been right with what they have said and I would of said the same to you had it been the other way around.

I clearly have issues as to why I held onto the phone calls for so long and I agree they need to be explored and I need to break that pattern and make sure I don't fall into another unhealthy relationship of sorts.

I am meeting friends today and I will make sure the time I spend talking to him in the evening I will use doing something else.

Thank you all for helping me see things as they are and step out of this.
😌

Have you read ''Mr Available and the Fall back girl''. It's by nATALie lue. I read it and I could identify with some chapters and even the chapters that weren't perfect fits, I could still relate to the women/patterns and the types of men/relationships they went for. It's a very good book which will make you think about why you settled for (and wanted) a cyber relationship for 7 years.

I'd say both of you are avoidant. You less so now as you've evolved. Your marriage left you feeling temporarily avoidant but he's been in the same place for 7 years.

SmallTownTwirl- I didn't see the post that was deleted as it was gone when I looked back in my I pad but I'm not offended with comments saying he might be hiding something as a disability or something related to his body. I have wondered the same myself but by the photos and him moving around on the camera I can see that this isn't the case. Relating to other things such as body sadly we did exchange rude photos and it was the first time out of my marriage I did this, it was a stupid thing to do but i did keep my face out of them (just in case)

He might be hiding a partner but even if this is what is going on it doesn't change the fact that with or without a partner or GF it's still wrong and not going anywhere and I need to break free from this ridiculous relationship.

I feel this has a hold on me and I really do want to break from it.

Thank you for your advice. (I did need it)

Small- I haven't read that book but I will order it (thanks) I do have attachment issues with relationships and I have only had three relationships and they have all been unhealthy which was the reason to seek counselling to unpick why this was and how to break this pattern. He was a lot like me which was proven by why we both kept talking and not walking away after all this time.

I think if he did speak to you he would promise to meet up, then actually wouldn't and you would be back where you started. So keep him blocked!