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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need it blunt and honest.

203 replies

Raineau · 26/11/2016 19:18

Hello everyone, I'm hoping to get advice I probably already know but for whatever reasons am not listening to it. I'm mid 30's and have a child. I have been on my own since my husband left me pregnant to run off with his affair (haven't seen him since nor has my child) this is 9 years ago now.
Someone from work made a online dating page for me and I met a man a few years older than myself this was 7 years ago now. We would speak on face time and the speaking become daily. I would call him at all times and he has always picked up. He used to flirt with me and it went a little further than flirting as I thought we would meet up but he never asked. I would ask him but when the day would come around he would act as if I hadn't asked. So we have never met in person, only face time. I have his address as he does mine and I have checked him out and he lives alone. He tells me he has feelings for me and that he see's our lives together in the further but makes no attempt to make that happen. I have been honest with him and told him I'm beyond fed up of this but feel as if I'm now forcing him to meet me and if I have to do that I would rather it not happen.

He has told me that the last time he was with someone was a few months before he met me and he has been single all this time.

I feel as if this man have emotionally trapped me and I feel as if I can't step away but it's all so very strange and wrong.

What do I do?

OP posts:
sonjadog · 26/11/2016 20:27

You aren´t ever going to meet him, you do realize that? He doesn´t want to meet you. There is nothing stopping him meeting you if he wanted to. Like you say, he travels further to meet his friends, so there is absolutely no reason that he couldn´t travel to meet you.

I don´t know why he is keeping you hanging on. It might be an ego boost for him have you there. He might like the companionship of having someone to chat to when he´s at a loose end. This isn´t a relationship though. It is a poor shadow of one. You want more than this is ever going to be. Don´t get stuck with this because of the sunk cost. Seven years is a long time to waste on a fantasy, but that´s done and there´s nothing more to do with it. Except don´t turn it into eight wasted years, or even more...

It will hurt to break contact, but you will feel better in a little while and will be ready to meet a man who is excited about spending time with you.

PatriciaHolm · 26/11/2016 20:39

He's been lying to you, constantly, about everything for 7 years, you know that? You are some kind of entertainment for him (if he even believes you, he may well think you are someone like him who enjoys this kind of fantasy).

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 26/11/2016 20:45

Why does he do it?
Because he thinks you're a sucker :0(

GazingAtStars · 26/11/2016 20:51

He doesn't want you. It doesn't matter if he will be upset if you stop whatever this is. He does not matter. Free yourself to find someone who deserves you. Delete his number and block him....go cold turkey and I promise that as hard as it is, quite soon it will be easier.

You deserve to be loved by someone amazing. Cut off this waste of space...even if you don't find someone else straight away you really will be much happier not giving him head space

forumdonkey · 26/11/2016 20:55

How do you know he's who he says he is? How do you know the stories he is telling you are true? How do you know he hasn't got a DW or GF? Do you know all this because it's what he's told you or have been able to verify it independently?

I'm screaming Catfish too

KnockMeDown · 26/11/2016 21:01

He is married.

Musiclife · 26/11/2016 21:01

What is his reason for not meeting you?

Offred · 26/11/2016 21:02

Yeah, 7 years?!

Why on earth are you giving him so much headspace. No, of course he isn't going to meet you, no you probably will never find out exactly why that is, you should only speak to him again if you are happy with this being a complete fantasy online 'romance'.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 26/11/2016 21:05

He sounds seriously messed up Op and from what you've posted it sounds quite sinister . Get yourself some counselling to improve your self esteem - you deserve more than this . I personally wouldn't believe a word he says , the sending baby pics sounds very very odd .

You are so invested in his life (asking to see baby pics of someone you don't even know exists ) that you've lost all sense of what a normal relationship should be .

You need to go cold turkey and stop all contact .

PerpendicularVincent · 26/11/2016 21:05

There's nothing to break off. He's married or a twat - probably both. I would never contact him again.

notquitegrownup2 · 26/11/2016 21:06

OK I'm going to put a positive spin on this. You were vulnerable, you had a baby, you needed someone to talk to, and so you had this online relationship, with someone who was there for you on the other end of the phone when you needed them, someone to laugh with, someone to listen to you. So far, so good.

Seven years later, your dd is now much older. She will be learning from you what sort of relationships are healthy, what they say about you.

How are your friendships? Do you have good real life friends, with whom you can go out? Do you have hobbies? Interests? It's time to take a good look at where you are and where you want to be. Time to start to enjoy life again, with real people. Draw a line under this relationship. Remember it fondly if you want to, but get yourself out there now and find people who like you, enjoy being with you, and who you can hug.

AnyFucker · 26/11/2016 21:09

He has 2 heads or is married

My money is on the latter

You have posted before about this. Follow the advice you were given then. The only loser here now is you.

Original poster
Raineau · 26/11/2016 21:12

Just to answer some of the questions. A few years ago I told my friend about him she was the only one I told and she said she would find out if he was who he said he was. He husband works for the police and had a look and he didn't have a record. She looked online and found he had an social media when he had told me he didn't. She sent me the link and I found slightly flirty messages but nothing big. His friend list was mostly young booby women and on his Twitter was a friend of a friend, I found out that he added her and she didn't know who he was. I confronted him and he deleted it.
The stupid thing is I did believe that we would meet, he doesn't flirt with me he only uses words like " I do love you" " you are my best friend" " you are the other half to me" we speak twice a day and I believed because his a bit strange that he was shy like he said but I do feel like if that was the case he wouldn't be on social media adding women. : (
Thank you for all your advice, I really feel I need this to make this jump and delete him once and for all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Raineau · 26/11/2016 21:13

The reason he gives for not meeting is that his so shy, and the longer it went the harder it become to meet.

OP posts:
cheekyfunkymonkey · 26/11/2016 21:18

This has Catfish written all over it. Everything this fictional person has ever told you could be a lie. You don't know if he is a man wan or teenager, you don't know where in the world he lives, whether he is married, zip. You wanted blunt, you need to delete everything and go make some real life connections. Sorry ( and I appreciate the irony of you taking this advice from an online community but at least you have MNHQ to do some sort of vetting).

GazingAtStars · 26/11/2016 21:19

I have a friend who says I'm their best friend. They're also a user. Just because he "loves you" and he reckons you're his best friend does NOT mean you have to feel the same way about him. After 7 years he is never going g to meet you.

What ever his fucked up game is, you don't have to play it. You're worth so much more than this

sonjadog · 26/11/2016 21:21

That reason is pure nonsense, you do realize that? No-one is so shy they can´t meet up with someone who could be the love of their life in the course of 7 years.

When he comes out with that line you should be furious and offended that he thinks you are going to fall for so weak a line as that. Find your anger now and ditch him once and for all.

jeaux90 · 26/11/2016 21:21

Omg this guy is a catfish. Please stop.

SmallTownTwirl · 26/11/2016 21:22

What a fear of intimacy, a 7 year cyber relationship.

Just tell him it has all got too unhealthy.

Original poster
Raineau · 26/11/2016 21:22

I posted before, and I did cut all ties it was hard but I was going back to work (teacher) so I had my time and mind on work. He sent all these emotional emails and I ended up replying and he acted as if nothing had happened.

I have friends but most don't have children and they are all married apart from me. I had to cut my old life off when my husband left as they had been his friends too.

I did meet him when I started my new life really with a new born baby and I started teaching. I am more or less on my own most of the time apart from working then picking up my child so he was my only grown up company and I know everyone is right.

I want to cut him off and this time stick to it, I guess I'm looking for the advice and support from others that are looking in to tell me how wrong this all is.

I checked to see if he was married and he came up as no, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have a GF that doesn't live with him.

Either way I know this is wrong, and he doesn't feel the same way.

OP posts:
GazingAtStars · 26/11/2016 21:23

Don't tell him you're going to ditch him. Just do it. You will drive yourself mad otherwise

GazingAtStars · 26/11/2016 21:24

Block his emails too. See if you can set up mail rules so anything from his email address is automatically deleted

EweAreHere · 26/11/2016 21:25

Cut. Him. Off.

Allovertheworld16 · 26/11/2016 21:26

I wouldn't tell him as he will cry and beg and tell you how wonderful you are. Block and ghost, just completely disappear. What's he going to do? Turn up on your doorstep?

Blodplod · 26/11/2016 21:28

I had to acknowledge your thread.. I too had a weird 'relationship' for about 5 years. I did occasionally meet my chap for odd date (sex in a dodgy travel lodge).. The actual dates were nothing compared to the allure, phone calls and the 'ideal' of us becoming together. It literally was all consuming for about 5 years in total. I lived, slept, breathed and co existed in a parallel universe with a figment of my imagination.. As, the guy I talked to wasn't the guy I was 'with'. Soddy explanation but it was a surreal and false relationship. If only I had the knowledge of MN back then.. Anyhow. Today I celebrated 5 years of married life with a 'live' one!