I need it blunt and honest.

[Raineau]

Hello everyone, I'm hoping to get advice I probably already know but for whatever reasons am not listening to it. I'm mid 30's and have a child. I have been on my own since my husband left me pregnant to run off with his affair (haven't seen him since nor has my child) this is 9 years ago now.
Someone from work made a online dating page for me and I met a man a few years older than myself this was 7 years ago now. We would speak on face time and the speaking become daily. I would call him at all times and he has always picked up. He used to flirt with me and it went a little further than flirting as I thought we would meet up but he never asked. I would ask him but when the day would come around he would act as if I hadn't asked. So we have never met in person, only face time. I have his address as he does mine and I have checked him out and he lives alone. He tells me he has feelings for me and that he see's our lives together in the further but makes no attempt to make that happen. I have been honest with him and told him I'm beyond fed up of this but feel as if I'm now forcing him to meet me and if I have to do that I would rather it not happen.

He has told me that the last time he was with someone was a few months before he met me and he has been single all this time.

I feel as if this man have emotionally trapped me and I feel as if I can't step away but it's all so very strange and wrong.

What do I do?

He could have been in an early relationship with someone else. He could be married with kids by now and my story about my friend was to show its possible. He could ring you on the way to work and FaceTime you when she's gone to work. Are there days when he doesn't,??

Forumdonkey- If I'm very honest I feel and have felt lied to for a long time but I haven't found him out so I go in circles thinking it might be me.

It would be even more sad if he had a GF for her and I would feel guilty about that, I never met him to hurt anyone nor myself.

You are probably right with everyone else on here, he probably has someone.

Do you mean Skype or something, surely not facetime for 7 yrs?

Cotswodstrife- Yes we have always used a FaceTime type on communication. MSN Chat with the camra, then sype and FaceTime.
It was him that made me use zig as he didn't believe the photo of me was real and asked me to go on camra which I was uncomfortable with at first but I did it to prove I was who I said I was, he asked to see my driving licence too. That's why I believed him because he seems to open and normal apart from the not normal bit of meeting.

No there hasn't been one day that he hasn't called, even when I'm busy and can't really spare the time he calls.
We still use FaceTime but less regular then we did but that's because I find it weird and would rather not. But we speak everyday twice, morning and evening.

It doesn't matter why he doesn't want to meet you. If he doesn't want to meet up after SEVEN YEARS, he will never want to meet up. Unless this weird pretend-relationship is enough for you, you should dump him. He sounds really peculiar, btw.

Forumdonkey- I am worried you are right. Either way he doesn't want me and I'm starting to feel I don't want him with this big issue of him saying we will meet but never do.

I think you are right, he might be with someone now I wouldn't really know I guess.

Ordinarily I'd say just walk away, no discussion just walk and block but I think if I were you I'd tell him to go fuck off, weirdo and don't respond to him, because he will want to keep in touch. If you were that important to him, he'd want to see you and would just do it.

This is fascinating.

You're both keeping each other from other relationships. For whatever reason - commitment phobia, fear of being hurt again, it doesn't actually matter.

But you are both serving a purpose in each other's lives and that's why it continues. So, rather than attempt to cut off from him, which is going to be very very hard, try to work out what you're getting from this, and gently and gradually replace it, if that's what you want.

I doubt you actually want a REAL relationship because if you did you wouldn't be doing this, or would have turned up at his place and brought things to a head. If you're sure you're ready for something that isn't virtual then get out there and start seeing other people. Not just dating but hobbies, classes, and minimise his importance in your life.
Rather like a nicotine patch if you're trying to give up smoking. Sometimes cold turkey is too hard.

I feel for you OP. Do try and search what the payoffs are for you. X

This bloke is not the only weirdo

It takes two to make a fucked up "relationship" like this

After 7 years, I don't think you have any more excuses here, op.

Dump him, or you really are no better than him. In my opinion.

And how old is your child that you are still speaking to this bloke "after you have put him/her to bed" ?

Forumdonkey- you are right.
I must say I feel like I need to step out of this completely and move on with my life. We did argue tonight regarding this and I told him the things I wrote on here and he reponded with an "ok" and didn't seem to want to fight for anything so I will try to cut him off completely and I really hope I stick to it this time. I do have the feeling of wishing I knew the truth but I guess it doesn't really matter anyway.

OP - he's an addiction! It's hard work being a working single parent and perhaps he fills a gap in your life - someone to talk to every day who takes an interest in you.
But you deserve better than this - the relationship is an illusion - he will never give you what you deserve - an adult relationship with a mature grounded person. His behaviour is unkind and cruel.
Somehow you have to go 'cold turkey'. Stop all contact, allow yourself to grieve and start getting angry at him for wasting your time for so long.
And then, when you're ready, start looking for someone ready for a proper relationship.
Good luck.

You talk as though he has rejected you OP but how could you possibly know if YOU want HIM when you haven't met

His ''rejection" of you is moot.

I did once get in to a cyber relationship though so I'm not judging and I know how easy it is. I had met this guy though, we went on five dates and then he de-escalated us from a romantic thing (I thought) to friends. Hmm, that's code for cheerio love I thought but no, he stepped UP the texts and viber messages and emails and prompted me to down load skype. We became very close. I knew who he was because I'd met him though. But it was a form of avoidance for him I think. From what he told me about his relationships with other people he was a dismissive avoidant and maybe I was a bit avoidant as well to have gone along with it for a while. After 7 months I called time on it but it was so hard.

And this guy was not a creep, he didn't make me feel 'trapped' at all. It was just an avoidance thing, avoiding real intimacy whilst as PPs say, having somebody to chat to, somebody to care about you, somebody to tell stuff to. but a real half way house.

AnyFucker- You are completely right it takes two. I met him when I had a baby and didn't have time for a real relationship as I had just given birth and I returned to work and was working full time as my husband left me with all the outgoing payments and commitments. I really had no time to give anyone apart from my child and earning a living but talking to this person became more and more over the years.
Of course I still put my child to bed, and once my child is in bed I can talk freely with this guy I don't feel like involving my child in my messed up fake relationship. I'm not a bad mother nor a stupid one. I may have put up with this for this amount of time but I wouldn't involve my child.

ps, agree with Louisatwo. I am a single parent and in a way the cyber relationship gave me something easy. I didn't have to leave the house. But it had stopped me really looking for somebody ELSE and I compared the rapport I had with other dates with the seemingly deep connection I believed I had with this guy. What nonsense, it just took time to grow.

Btw, once I had a great rapport with a guy on line, we only messaged each other for about 3 weeks before meeting up though, but when we met, the rapport just ground to a screeching halt. Weird but that's chemistry for you. It's all smoke and mirrors til you've met somebody.

ps, I think it is Brene Brown who mentions cyber relationships as the classic way of avoiding real intimacy in one of her books. It's the Avoidants party trick in relationships now.

I didn't say you should involve your child in this pathetic situation...where did you get that from my post ?

My point is that it appears you pressed a virtual button seven years ago, stopped time somehow and now live a fucked up Groundhog Day lifestyle

It's weird on all counts

SmallTownTwirl- you are right, on my part I was worried about being with a man after the birth of my child, the longer it went by the harder I found it. I do think the reason I haven't stepped away fully is because I feel maybe I won't get anyone better, maybe that no one will want to commit to me. My husbands betrayal hit me hard and it took many years to fully move on emotionally from it. Having this person on the phone made moving on easier but he mentioned feelings and emotions for me which made me see him different and I think I hoped he would one day want me. I know that sounds awful.

SmallTownTwirl- I agree fully. I went along with it and enjoyed it at first, not being rushed and still building this friendship. I do get a lot of male attention and I one day want to meet someone in real life. I should have cut this off many years ago, his only doing what I have allowed.
Thank you.

It's understandable. Going out is not easy, or affordable. Being a single parent is lonely. We are all hardwired to connect, we need somebody to share things with, but in the case of a person you have not met, you're sharing and connecting with a person who doesn't really properly exist. You may feel you know them and that you're listening to who they are but believe me, your brain went in to predictive text mode and filled in loads of little blanks, and if you'd met him, you'd discover that all of those 'predictive fill in the blanks' that your brain did for you were all massively flattering compared with the reality.

I've gone on loads of internet dates (all in the last 18 months though, before then I was quite reclusive) but almost every single time I've thought I had a great rapport with somebody (on line) when I met them in real life there was nothing there at all.

One man, it sounds shallow but we clicked brilliantly on line but when I met him he had this mousey little voice, he talked like a little girl. But on line, he was firing on all cylinders and I thought I'd met my match!

Anyway, please stop feeling bad that he doesn't ''want you''. You could not possibly want him either.

Seven YEARS though that's such a waste of your life.

Delete and block and move on. He doesn't love you or want to be with you or he'd of made a visit by now.

And perhaps that's why he won't meet you. He knows you'd be disappointed and he'd rather the dynamic you have now, that he is the one keeping you at arms length.

AnyFucker- Thank you for your advice. I wouldn't of used the word "pathetic" but I should have stopped this getting to this point.

I may have been defensive in my last post to you and I apologise for that. I know my story is ridiculous and I don't even know why I held on but I sadly have done for way to long.

I have decided to walk away (again) and I hope to end the contact for good this time and move on with my life.

SmallTownTwirl- He has mentioned this a few times. He mentions that I would be disappointed and I won't like him in real life, and if we met and if I dint feel the same he would lose what we have.

Maybe 7 years is a waste but don't feel too bad about it. You didn't waste enough money to go round the world twice paying babysitters so that you could go out with this guy!

He was an easy and convenient confidant and crutch for a while. It was on the road to nowhere but people have made bigger mistakes.

Saying that, you should definitely end it!

When i ended it with the guy I'd fallen in to a cyber relationship with, the first 3 weeks were hard and then I was ok. Better. In fact, I instantly felt better even though I missed him, iyswim. And I had met that guy, kissed him, slept with him, had dinner with him. But he wound me down now, he used me for somebody to talk to when he couldn't be bothered leaving the house. He'd whatsapp me while the kettle boiled, on the bus, on his tea break, if he wasn't out on friday night we'd skype. I see now I was like the radio to him. He got some thing out of it, but it was a relegation. he didn't want me in his real life. It was really hard to acknowledge that but even so, it only took 3 weeks to get my equilibrium back and it's helped me now. If I find myself driftinng in to those pen pally type back and forth convos on line now I suggest meeting and if they fob me off I switch off the communication.