Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need it blunt and honest.

203 replies

Raineau · 26/11/2016 19:18

Hello everyone, I'm hoping to get advice I probably already know but for whatever reasons am not listening to it. I'm mid 30's and have a child. I have been on my own since my husband left me pregnant to run off with his affair (haven't seen him since nor has my child) this is 9 years ago now.
Someone from work made a online dating page for me and I met a man a few years older than myself this was 7 years ago now. We would speak on face time and the speaking become daily. I would call him at all times and he has always picked up. He used to flirt with me and it went a little further than flirting as I thought we would meet up but he never asked. I would ask him but when the day would come around he would act as if I hadn't asked. So we have never met in person, only face time. I have his address as he does mine and I have checked him out and he lives alone. He tells me he has feelings for me and that he see's our lives together in the further but makes no attempt to make that happen. I have been honest with him and told him I'm beyond fed up of this but feel as if I'm now forcing him to meet me and if I have to do that I would rather it not happen.

He has told me that the last time he was with someone was a few months before he met me and he has been single all this time.

I feel as if this man have emotionally trapped me and I feel as if I can't step away but it's all so very strange and wrong.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Raineau · 26/11/2016 21:29

To answer the question about Catfish. I know what he looks like only because he do face time, also I made him show me his driving licence just in case he lied about his name. His name is what he said it was and his address is right. He did lie well kind of about his work place he made it sound as if he worked in his local area but he worked about 40 minutes from my house.
The GF thing I won't know because clearly he won't tell me the truth, but he doesn't live with anyone.

OP posts:
iminshock · 26/11/2016 21:29

This isn't just weird.
It's sinister.

Please please block this person , whoever he is.

forumdonkey · 26/11/2016 21:31

How do you know his fb wasn't fake, with the fake name he uses, if it only seemed to have busy women on it. He's told you he travels the country and flies to see friends so did you see any of them on his friends list?

ChocolateForAll · 26/11/2016 21:33

Seven years... blimey. He has dragged you into a web of lies and manipulation and you deserve so much better. Please cut ties and block him. I'd say he's already involved with someone. Walk away and don't look back.

Original poster
Raineau · 26/11/2016 21:33

Blodplod- thank you for your message. I feel like your relationship was like the one I'm in.
He really has almost controlled me for seven years, thinking back he would tell me off if I asked him questions about the future and whenever I spoke about subjects he didn't want to talk about (emotional conversations) he would start talking about the weather or something like that.

This isn't normal I know this. I want to step out of this.

Thank you.

OP posts:
lollylou2876 · 26/11/2016 21:34

I'd have a think about what u felt you were getting out of the friendship and the try find it elsewhere hun.

You've had 7 YEARS of going nowhere or round in circles, I wouldn't even issue a deal breaker, as I'd just stop and block him out of my life and start getting out and meeting real people, down whatever avenue makes you happy. You'll find your path along the way after you take the first step.

Yes you will have weak moments as it has been such a long time, but your worth more than a chat based faux relationship

HarryElephante · 26/11/2016 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pollyanna9 · 26/11/2016 21:35

The fake excuses reasons he gives are exactly the types of reasons seen on the programme Catfish! "I'm flying to the recording studio I can't talk"!!

It's irrelevant anyway OP what he has or hasn't shown you. He's wasting your life!!!

You've come on saying give it to me straight so everyone has. You're absolutely wasting your life. If you want to carry this on with him fine, but then you have to accept you'll never ever ever have a relationship with him in RL and at some point along the way it will affect way more than it's clearly affected you so far (because you think it's explainable and acceptable) and he'll probably scam you or something as well.

STOP. ALL. CONTACT.

user1467976192 · 26/11/2016 21:36

He's married I bet

AgainPlease · 26/11/2016 21:38

7 years? YEARS?!

He sounds like an absolute freak. Especially his social media that he's just friends with 'booby women'.

Be real with yourself, you don't actually love this man. You love the idea of being in love.

OP have you ever given this man money??

Original poster
Raineau · 26/11/2016 21:38

Forumdonkey- I know his name is his name because I made me show me his driving licence on face time. Also I used that information to give to my friends husband who checked him out. He works for the police and told me he didn't have a record, he lived st his address alone and his name is his name.
I did check his friend list and all the friends he speaks about had been on there with photos of holidays and trips he had been on.

I know these things are true but the only thing I don't know which I can't find out is if he has a GF or if he is seeing other women,
I don't know why he keeps me at a distance, and I don't know why he doesn't want me in real life.
I do know that this isn't right, and something is really wrong.

OP posts:
furlinedsheepskinjacket · 26/11/2016 21:39

um me too op

i've been/am there and it pretty much could be the same guy.
its been a few years for me.its very very hard to make the break but i just wanted you to know you are not alone.i'm trying to move on.

Original poster
Raineau · 26/11/2016 21:42

HarryElephante- sadly this isn't made up and sadly I have been very stupid to hold on to someone who clearly isn't telling me the truth. I don't think anyone would be sad enough nor would waste there own time to seek advice and support for something that wasn't true. If you wasn't going to be supportive or give advice what was the point of your message.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 26/11/2016 21:45

Can I ask how do you know he doesn't live with someone?

livinglooney8 · 26/11/2016 21:45

If you have his address, could you just turn up one day at his house ? Bring a friend for support & safety.

Original poster
Raineau · 26/11/2016 21:47

Furlinedsheepskinjacket-
Thank you, I really hope it isn't the same guy. : (
I agree with everyone, and of course I need to end this fake relationship. I'm not a stupid person and so I don't know why I have behaved like this and put up with all this ridiculous fake stuff, I know he doesn't want me nor love me I guess it was nice hearing it.
I do want to cut him off. Did you cut yours off?

OP posts:
blackcherries · 26/11/2016 21:49

You keep saying 'you met him'. You haven't met him. You've read lots of text that he's typed into webpages and seen a bunch of moving pixels that show you what he wants to show you.

There is no option for you than to stop this immediately if you want to live your life. Stop wasting your precious life on this liar, forget how convincing he is.

paulapantsdown · 26/11/2016 21:50

He lives down the road and in SEVEN YEARS you have not felt the urge to just turn up at his front door and ask him what the fuck is going on? This is ridiculous and no good for your mental health - cut him dead for goodness sake!

SassyPants19 · 26/11/2016 21:51

Super unhealthy situation for you. I'd be ceasing contact and getting back out, there. Don't be his puppet any longer, take control and head back out there and find yourself some human contact.

Original poster
Raineau · 26/11/2016 21:51

Forumdonkey- well I guess 100% I don't know that. I gave all the information I had on him to my friends husband who works for the police. He came back and told me he lived alone at the address given, he confirmed his place of work, and his name and age. I have sent him cards to his address and he has done the same to me.

But I don't know he hasn't got a GF, I only have his word on that which clearly isn't a lot as he has lied before regarding his work place and social media.

OP posts:
KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 26/11/2016 21:51

Are you really a school teacher?

Okay, I've got a suspicious mind, but some of your simple grammar is pretty bad?

forumdonkey · 26/11/2016 21:52

I'd love to see you catch him out. Send a mate round with a clipboard and ask him to do a survey lol

Original poster
Raineau · 26/11/2016 21:55

I have wanted to turn up at his address but never had the guts to do that.
You are right I haven't met him, talking to him over face time and over the phone isn't meeting someone, but it felt as if I did.

This is extremely unhealthy and I do want to cut all contact with him, I do feel like this is needed and it's my only option.

I do agree with all of your advice and I am thankful for it.

OP posts:
57968sp · 26/11/2016 21:55

Livinglooney8. Why oh why should she turn up at the house of someone who has been manipulating her for so long? What could that possibly achieve?
Raineau, cut him out of your life completely, he has made a complete fool of you and you have missed out on 7 years of healthy normal relationships.
You deserve better.

SuperFlyHigh · 26/11/2016 21:56

He's probably in a relationship but she doesn't Iive there, either way not to meet you for 7 years he is some sort of emotionally messed up and either can't or won't commit to you eg a proper relationship. He probably lies in other areas too. He likes the control over you. He may even enjoy the game.

Just ghost him. Get back onto OLD join the dating thread here and block and delete everything. You have to be serious though or it won't work!