My partner is damaging his daughter's mind, body and soul (follow on thread)

[RedStripeLassie]

A follow on from my dp doesn't look after his mind, body or soul (Offreds words for the title)
I understand people's anger, sadness and frustration at the situation I'm putting dd in but would appreciate further help as I feel I'm getting somewhere and don't want to lose the momentum and ignore everything.
Thanks to everyone that took time posting and don't feel like you have to again if you feel it's not going anywhere or its falling on deaf ears.

I mean you keep posting things about what 'normal' looks like in your family and h's but have you never really thought beyond 'this is what everyone is doing' and into 'but is it ok? What effect is it having on DD?'?

Wouldn't you rather she was able to have new clothes, a safe home, a Christmas that is about family rather than substances?!

I really believe you would but that begs the question why aren't you giving her that? Why are you complicit in giving her a life full of substance abuse and the subsequent neglect that goes with it?

As has been said many times before - your threshold for what is normal and acceptable is astounding.

People drink at my family christmases but nobody has ever been wasted, passed out or thrown up. Once my gran got tipsy and wore my new saucepan as a hat for a bit - she'd had two glasses of sherry

You minimise and justify your husbands behaviour - spending money on scratch cards is stupid for anyone - but for someone who expects reimbursement for the postage to sell some clothes on eBay to buy a christmas present for his daughter its pathetic

His needs come before everything - he drinks, smokes, buys shit and does as he pleases and is not challenged. He won't stop drinking or smoking, he has to be begged to pay his share of bills or parent his child. You spend your life worrying about money and about SS.

You sound like you love your daughter but thats not going to cut it when SS appear - and they will.

Havnt read your first thread and tbh I'm quite glad. I don't even feel upset by what you've been writing, I just feel anger. I'm not quite sure why you are posting as it seems pretty clear from what you say and excuses for your husband you won't do anything, so I'm struggling to see what it is you want advice on?

I feel so so much for your daughter! I don't doubt you love her but you can't even put her feelings etc first. And that breaks my heart. You've just mentioned last Christmas, do you think it's fun for your daughter considering she shares a home with someone who drinks, smokes drugs and wastes money DAILY on scratch cards! I'm sorry if he can't go a day without buying scratch cards THAT IS a problem and it's money you cannot afford to waste.

I always read these posts and imagine myself in these situations, yes I can't imagine how hard it is but NO WAY would I keep my son in an environment like that. My son is my priority and I would do whatever I could to give him a happy, loving life an do whatever I could for him not to live like the situation you are living.

I have no helpful advice as you've been given so much and I just feel frustrated at what you could do to change this for you and your daughter but it's just excuses.

Sorry for being harsh but I just don't understand how you can let your daughter live like this

Good luck OP

Offred talks a LOT of sense OP. Please look back at the last posts.

I mean at some point doing nothing is the same as doing something really bad and you've gone past this point already...

It is not normal. It is not ok. He has told you he will not change. You have family on both sides who contribute to the problems. You want to give him more time, more love, more support... why?

What about DD who has no choices, no defended and is soaking up all this like a sponge?

'I gave you presents at Christmas even though daddy pissed all the money away' simply does not cut it.

If you care for her more than you care for yourself or your DH you need to ACT on it. No matter how much time you feel you need, no matter how much leeway you feel h should be given. You need to actually act because every hour you spend making excuses about how it is normal in your family or h has had a difficult time is another hour out of your vulnerable child's life that is being pissed away on her mother's selfish attachment to her appalling father.

And FWIW, yes some of my family Christmas gatherings can get abit mad, luckily my son is only 15 months old, but if we was ever round at a family members house for a party and I have family getting so drunk they were passing out or being sick etc, you can get I'd be calling a taxi to take me and my son home, as that's no environment...That's just at Xmas family get togethers where I'd remove me an my boy from that completely

Hugs. I know this is hard to hear, but think about it. Your parents are supposed to be a safe place, something that they can rely on. If your parent is drunk, then the child will feel that they are unpredictable and it takes away a bit of that feeling of safety.

You have lots of anxieties. It is hard dealing with stuff through those anxieties. Your daughter is likely to grow up with anxieties as well. She will be growing up aware that daddy isn't safe, that mummy gets anxious about bills and clothes, that when someone shouts then they have to be appeased at all costs. It's not going to make her a confident little girl.

You may not see your life as abnormal. Lots of other people on this thread are appalled. Your life is really not normal at all. All the talk about how SS/teachers/health care professionals will see the situation isn't scaremongering, it's awful truth.

I want to give you credit for staying on the thread as it must be tough. Please keep coming back and listening. Re-read the threads. Don't let this go away.

hugs

What kind of jobs do your family do? I can't help forming a grim, sad picture of your home life, where alcohol abuse is normalised and nobody is really 'adulting'. Do you just know no better? If a world where people remain sober enough to engage with their toddler grandchildren at Christmas is a parallel universe to you then you are second or third generation dysfunctional and nobody can break the cycle but you. If you're planning to throw up at Christmas at your dds house when she's older then rock on. What a shameful scene to imagine.

I'm starting to really hope this is a wind up, and at the least wish there was a way for MNHQ to be able to report shit like this in real life.

Me too, I keep thinking this can't be real

No, I've never had a Christmas where someone's head is down the toilet during dinner, and people are unable to stand up by mid afternoon, and we don't have any small children to consider

How have you got to a point where this is acceptable to you?

Your daughter will be confused and frightened, she hasn't got a clue what's going on - how do you think she feels?

I feel anxious just reading about it and I'm a 50something grown up

Jeez

And yes BTW if I knew you IRL and knew everything about your family that I know from here I would be calling SS.

You being a nice person who is responsible for herself, doesn't smoke or drink to excess and buys Christmas presents doesn't cut it.

You are also the mother of a child who is being neglected with your tacit permission.

I wouldn't enjoy it and I would hope that you could get sorted and get DD back but there is far far too much worrying stuff going on and far too much excuse making for DD to be safe with you ATM.

Red, I've been following your previous threads. You been given soo much sensible, well intended advice. And still you don't seem to be taking any of it on board, or taking any positive steps forward for your DD.
TBH I think you're wasting our time now

Do you really care about your DD? Or are you just enjoying all this attention?

I found out the hard way that, actually, i can't help anybody properly if i don't help myself first.

Different situation, but same with the abuse. I knew it was them who needed help but i was 'trapped' in the bog with them - and all they were doing is pulling further down and nothing was changing for the better.

It was a choice of Groundhog Day for the rest of my life or do something,anything to get myself back on 'dry land' first.

It meant leaving. The only way i could save my sanity and future.
But it was so liberating!
Yes, it felt selfish at first. I couldn't afford to spend anymore emotional and mental energy trying to 'rescue/help/manage' them.

Moving out, being financially independent of them gave me the peace of mind,power and confidence i need to deal with it.
I can still support them, have a relationship with them - but there are boundaries.
If they don't do anything to help themselves, or just want to go round in circles complaining and doing my head in - i can go home and i don't have to deal with it.

I don't have dc, but i grew up in an abusive household. It was awful. You see and hear everything - even though the adults think they're protecting you.
I heard all the arguments, felt the awful daily atmosphere. As a child i felt it was my fault, as though if i had not been born they wouldn't be facing those problems.

I wish my parents had separated, i hated seeing my mother having to literally beg for money to feed/clothe us, having to account for every penny, having to take the insults and accept being treated like shit just so she could provide for us.

You could still help and support him whilst living separately? Temporary on the basis that he gets help and you start seeing positive changes?

www.womensaid.org.uk/

0808 2000 247 24

You say you love your daughter then do something realistic to get her out of the shitty life she has already been exposed to for too long.
Please do this.
Here's the phone number and link to help and sympathy.

Tbh, you need to do this now. Jump before you sink because it really is only a matter of time someone reports you to SS. You are complicit to keeping your daughter in this situation. You are at real risk of losing her when they get alerted unless you can prove you have put her needs first above all else and kept her safe.
It won't matter how much you tell them you love her. It's about your actions not your words.
You're a mum. Your child needs come before your own!
Please call and make a start on the life your daughter has already missed out on.

I think another thread was a bad idea. As many posters have said I've been given all the info and I just need to pull my head out of the sand and deal with it. Al anon tonight and hopefully do what I failed to last night and call woman's aid.
I can only say in my mind, no one has wasted their time giving me advice because I have read and thought about every single post and it does help cement things in my mind and bring up harsh truths. I said at the start I was posting again so I wouldn't start ignoring problems again. For people saying I'm not doing anything I said on the last thread I'd made a deadline for Christmas which I'm still sticking with.

Some of those truths from last night are not just about dds upbringing but mine too. Simply put I have grown up thinking I've had a very normal and stable family who happen to enjoy a drink. Christmases are sometimes a big mad party, sometimes they are more low key and I've never seen a problem with this till now. I still can't believe the images some of you had in your heads about last Christmas are how it actually was.

I'm sorry to anyone who is concerned or upset and also to anyone who think their times been wasted on a wind up.

I'll keep on getting there and doing the right thing for her.

I've lurked mostly but wanted to give you a picture of Christmas.

After the DC open stockings/a few gifts we meet at my parents - dressed up smart as it's traditional.
We have a glass of Buck's Fizz with breakfast (eggs and smoked salmon / pastries) switch the oven on and more pressies. Me and my siblings help mum /dad prep veg / make coffee/Christmas chocs through the morning while taking turns playing with DCs and DNs. Only when the turkey is on the table does more alcohol get opened- and that's just a couple of glasses of wine. Not all drink though and no vomiting or passing out or unable to speak. Just a bit merry. We have a grown up gift exchange in the evening while DC watch a film and maybe pass round the roses.

Maybe a bit sleepy from eating too much. No illegal drugs no drink driving.

You need to get out of this relationship or your DD will live it forever.

red I would seriously take on board lot of the advice Myusernameismyusername is giving to you. I seem to be on/respond to similar posts to the ones she is on.

Myusernameismyusername A lot of what you have experienced, especially about Dad playing Lego a few times and only making an effort when it suits him for instance, really resonates almost to a 'T' what my childrens father was like in similar circumstances.

Ours is similar. Stockings first thing. Big breakfast and if haven't done the midnight one, mass (if Mum can convince us).

Booze starts about midday when more family arrive and some people drink more than others. Lots of fun and food prep in the kitchen. Any smoking of anything is done on the sly outside because my family are not smokers (just dh and bil).

As the day goes on one or two people do drink too much but it's not the focus of the day. Big meal, big walk presents and more choc, cheese, and booze till bed.
That is a family Christmas for me. All the normal stuff with more drink.

I do listen to her. She's very insightful.

I think you do need this second thread to keep you focussed or you will end up just bumbling along as you have been

Christmas is 5 weeks away, what has to happen by that deadline?

No one really drinks much at family gatherings like xmas as we have to drive places, people are pregnant or have small children, and most of all, we want to enjoy the day work each other. I might, shock horror, drink nothing from xmas day to new year if I have to drive a lot and look after my kids and see my family and actually apart from a fizzy wine with dinner that's it.

BBQ's in the summer can be a bit more relaxed and there is some alcohol but if it looks like it's going to be more 'adult' then usually what happens is about 6/7pm each couple chooses which adult is going to take the kids home and who is staying OR people don't bring their kids and come in the evening.

At xmas My father on the other hand used to be wasted and fast asleep by 2pm, xmas with him was present in body but not in mind or soul I have no memories of any magic I am afraid. Drunk then asleep on xmas eve drunk then asleep most of xmas day then hungover Boxing Day.

It IS horrible as a child to be around drunk grown ups. They swear, are loud and intimidating and don't realise half the stuff they say or do. They aren't in control.

I still get a shudder when I hear my dad slurring now as an adult because it just reminds me of all the times he shouted at me for playing while he was sleeping or hungover and all other crap memories.

Your family 'parties' are ALL about what adults want to do and enjoy whereas the people on the thread are saying that once kids arrive, these occasions become entirely about the children and focusing on them, it wouldn't occur to me to get drunk at xmas.

He needs to make a lasting effort to be more considerate of dds and my needs and feelings. He needs to show a lasting commitment to doing his share of the 'shit work' especially over the holidays. I don't want to have to explain and hide his behaviour. He needs to at least accept his increase in drink/pot over the last year are damaging and make steps to address his mental state and get help for that.

I have to say that your family xmas would be pretty ok as a one off once a year if it wasn't just an extension of every day life for DD.