Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner is damaging his daughter's mind, body and soul (follow on thread)

325 replies

RedStripeLassie · 21/11/2016 14:00

A follow on from my dp doesn't look after his mind, body or soul (Offreds words for the title)
I understand people's anger, sadness and frustration at the situation I'm putting dd in but would appreciate further help as I feel I'm getting somewhere and don't want to lose the momentum and ignore everything.
Thanks to everyone that took time posting and don't feel like you have to again if you feel it's not going anywhere or its falling on deaf ears.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeLassie · 21/11/2016 20:52

Those are obviously good suggestions but I'm so scared to raise finance worries with him. It always ends with me loosing an argument and crying. Not because he's a bastard about it but because like I've said before he's very good a finding my anxiety weaknesses (consciously or not) and it makes all the things I've done wrong in the past come up.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeLassie · 21/11/2016 20:54

Not that I've got an awful past BTW!
I mean I used to spend recklessly before dd when we should have been saving for a home.

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 21/11/2016 20:54

How is it scary to say Christmas is approaching, let's sit down and work out our finances, why is it a row? Does he discuss anything at all with you about money? Or is it a banned subject?

Dozer · 21/11/2016 20:54

Pointless raising it with him: as he has stated he sees no need to change.

Stay with him and worry yourself sick about the landlord, teachers, Social Services, police, having no hoover, funds for christmas,

Dozer · 21/11/2016 20:55

Was HE saving for a home? Doubt it.

He is abusive: you can't reason with him.

Myusernameismyusername · 21/11/2016 20:56

Personally I would be at the stage now of just doing it when he isn't home just to see exactly how much is being wasted

Original poster
RedStripeLassie · 21/11/2016 21:02

I feel like it's a banned subject but that's almost more my fault than his.
I used to be the higher earner before dd and part time hours and I was happy to pick up bills and pay for anything. Money really never meant much to me. It was there to be spent and I liked buying us stuff and didn't mind paying bills. Then I wasn't earning much and I had assumed he would step up whilst I looked after dd but it didn't happen. He suggested he quits work to be a full time dad but even in aware enough to know that wouldn't have worked and refused to work full time.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeLassie · 21/11/2016 21:04

I could easily see his statements. He's not exactly organising them into a draw! I get the post from downstairs and it just piles up unopened by the balcony.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeLassie · 21/11/2016 21:04

I did used to file all his paperwork for him but gave up doing that a while back

OP posts:
WetNovemberDay · 21/11/2016 21:05

So you're scared to discuss finances with your partner?

Another red flag for you.

You should be able to discuss finances without fear.

Why can you not see this relationship is holding both you and your daughter back?

Imagine a life where you are 100% in control if your finances. You can choose how to spend what's left after the bills. You can buy your dd any cat you want. You can plan Christmas, a wonderful Christmas for you and your dd. The way you want it to be for your dd.

You're just settling for shut right now. You're making do in an unsafe environment for your dd.

Your lives could be so much richer, emotionally and financially.

Myusernameismyusername · 21/11/2016 21:05

Then do this. You are both being irresponsible parents financially Red. Horribly so

WetNovemberDay · 21/11/2016 21:06

Coat not cat, although a cat could be an option

Myusernameismyusername · 21/11/2016 21:06

Money does matter. I don't know anyone who thinks it doesn't

user1471432735 · 21/11/2016 21:07

You're scared of having a conversation about money with your partner because he will manipulate you and make you cry - but that's ok because you were a bit flippant with spending before you had a baby

He has about 100 quid a week in discretionary spending (weed,booze,scratchies) - has only just started paying household bills and you have to scrimp and budget and eBay to keep your daughter in clothes - but it's ok because he gave you 50 to big note himself

Got drunk and stoned at a playground - but it's ok because he made you a nice roast

Took you and your daughter to a party where people were drunk and using drugs but it's ok because there was a buffet and he didn't get so wasted that he pissed himself.

The standards you hold him to are so pathetically low, I'm surprised you're not defending him because at least he doesn't shit on the carpet

I'm sure you do love your daughter very much, but sometimes love is about doing what's hard- not stroking her hair in bed but getting her out of a completely fucked living situation with her manipulative and selfish addict father

If you can't honestly see and do that, then she really is better off without you

Original poster
RedStripeLassie · 21/11/2016 21:10

I know. I was always happy to have the cheapest place to rent so i could buy nice jeans and go out at the weekend. I was young and had no responcibilitys and enjoyed earning. Things changed when I had dd.

OP posts:
SittingAround1 · 21/11/2016 21:12

Totally agree with PP, you need to see exactly what's going on with the finances. What your incomes are & what is being spent on what. List rent, bills, food, drink, drugs, scratch cards etc. Does any of his income go towards family expenditure? If so how much?

Personally I think if he always wins discussions about money I wouldn't discuss it with him anymore but start getting things in order for you to be financially independent from him. Ie finding out how much help you can get. Own bank account. How much to get a new flat. Etc

Him giving you the £50 was a manipulative publicity stunt, which unfortunately worked. A really sweet gesture would have been to quietly put the £100 aside for Christmas presents and other things for DD.

Original poster
RedStripeLassie · 21/11/2016 21:14

user147 I don't really want to engage again with the 'is she better off without me' it's really hurts and I know she is better off with me, her mother who loves and cares for her. If you knew me in RL you would not even think it.

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 21/11/2016 21:17

Get all those bank statements and face up to the reality of what is really going on. If you carry on ignoring it you really are being equally as irresponsible as him

Mamia15 · 21/11/2016 21:30

her mother who loves and cares for her

Funny way of showing love and care - real love means ensuring your DD's needs are met and that she is in a safe nurturing environment.

You cannot even put her first. That's not love.

You think love is all about stroking her hair FFS.

Mamia15 · 21/11/2016 21:32

I'm going to mention it to him again and if he dismisses it, raise my worried about SS again.

Why not raise your worries about DD being damaged?

What you say makes you look very selfish - you seem more concerned about SS than your DD's welfare.

Wonderflonium · 21/11/2016 21:35

I get it: you're in love with the guy he was before he took this massive downturn. But. He's not going to come back. Not if he can get away with being like this and still get everything he wants.

If you want that old him back, you have to give him a massive shock to the system and show him what happens if he treats you (and your child), this way.
There's no guarantee that he'd change his ways if you left him but he absolutely never ever will change while you stay. He will probably even get worse, with occasional glimmers of how it should be to keep you on the hook.

tiej · 21/11/2016 21:38

Ah, so we are now fed the information that the much loved man in your life has a gambling addiction too. Goodness me!

tiredvommachine · 21/11/2016 21:41

If you knew me in RL you would not even think it

If I knew you in real life, I'd PPO your DD.

Cococrumble · 21/11/2016 21:49

I'm sure you do love your daughter very much, but sometimes love is about doing what's hard- not stroking her hair in bed but getting her out of a completely fucked living situation with her manipulative and selfish addict father

This, with absolute bells on. How is all this going to look to DD when she's an adult looking back on her childhood? She's being failed by both her parents so miserably right now and you are the only one who can change that for her.

Christmas is five weeks away. If you think your DH is going to miraculously turn his life around by then, you're absolutely deluded Sad

SittingAround1 · 21/11/2016 21:50

The reason people are saying your DD might be better off away from you and DH is because you're failing to protect her. Your actions show that your DH takes priority over her.
I don't think anyone doubts you love her &to be honest you do sound like a nice person, just not one strong enough ( yet I hope) to give the best to your DD. Which for her is tragic.