My partner is damaging his daughter's mind, body and soul (follow on thread)

[RedStripeLassie]

A follow on from my dp doesn't look after his mind, body or soul (Offreds words for the title)
I understand people's anger, sadness and frustration at the situation I'm putting dd in but would appreciate further help as I feel I'm getting somewhere and don't want to lose the momentum and ignore everything.
Thanks to everyone that took time posting and don't feel like you have to again if you feel it's not going anywhere or its falling on deaf ears.

I would just add, for everyone who thinks Red is wasting everyones time... I don't understand on the whole why you would think so. You don't have to be here 'wasting your time' If you feel you are emotionally exhausted so much so that you have to berate an internet stranger for wasting your time, who most of us take on face value as a genuine person in need of help, then just leave or hide the thread. I know in some instances people do come on here just for a laugh or attention, but same as with any thread where you feel you're getting nowhere, just move on.

Many, many people spend years in councelling before actually taking action to change things for many different reasons. Some people here have been through that process and are trying to save red the grief of doing so and showing her the 'short cut'. She's in that first appointment phase if you can make a comparison I suppose.

I understand it's frustrating but considering where red started with the first thread she has stayed here and made some progress in her own way and is beginning to change her thought processes. She has also repeated that IRL she is hitting a brick wall and getting nothing. It's easy to pick up a phone and call Womens Aid, it's not always easy to get the words out or continue a phone call after the first few 'rings' even if you get that far. She is frightened and yes of course everyone is trying to get through to her, it's her life though. Just remember, someone new may see this thread and flip that magical switch, say something that will light the fire underneath her...or maybe not. Sometimes you can do things on your own, sometimes you need that one friend or family member, sometimes you need a shit load of different people with different opinions and life experience to continue to say the same thing over and over again.

I'd just say have a little patience!

I lose my patience from my own personal POV that I saw my mum do this dithering for nearly 20 years and she never left even though she knew it was the right thing to do either

Right, but you're still here helping as you've said yourself

Which is good! Sorry, I wasn't having a go of course

Red, you need to outline some specific things that you need to see by Christmas, or he's just going to pull the wool over your eyes with vague promises and minor changes.

"make a lasting effort to be more considerate of dds and my needs and feelings"

• ok good, so what will that look like? What sort of things would he do, that he isn't doing now? What sort of things does he do now to disregard your needs/feelings that you need him to stop? Smoking and drinking away the money you need to live off isn't being considerate of your needs, so he'd need to stop that. What else?

Try to shift your thinking from "he needs to make an effort" to "he needs to do XYZ concrete things differently." If you're vague, he'll take full advantage and fob you off while nothing really changes.

My sil took me Xmas shopping last week.
She has been with my brother for about 5/6 years and we were talking about Xmas memories.
She said she was shocked the first Xmas she spent with our family as it was all very child focused and happy and chilled out.
Apparently her Xmas involved not been able to get up early on Xmas morning in case they woke dad who was sleeping off the booze, their mum then did get up and get them downstairs but they weren't allowed to open presents until he eventually rolled out of bed and had a can in his hand.
Her mum once asked him not to drink and he got so frustrated he smashed their living room window on Xmas day.

I'm not saying this is your dd's Xmas now but it could be in a few years when he has fallen further into addiction.

Also did you see the news article yesterday about the man who murdered his Nan and aunt ? The judge said his smoking of weed directly attributed to his mental illness.

You need to get her out.

In terms of actual actions, what does your DP have to do before Christmas? Quit weed? Stop buying scratch cards? Sort the finances out with you? Agree to leave somewhere if family members are pissed/ taking drugs? Join the weed programme?

If you look at those and think they are unreasonable requests then your poor daughter really doesn't stand a chance.

Nothing significant yo improve your daughters life will change before Xmas. That's a given.
He's not going to cough ip the extra 100 quid a week he's squandering away nor is his habit will improve.
What eill happen between more shot that your daughters being exposed to is a few nice things that sill con you into staying (you'll be where you are right now this time next year if you're not careful). He might have played with dd a few more times and not soiled himself a few more times whilst getting wasted but your dd will still be living in a shirty environment.

Wake up. I appreciate it's hard. I've had to face my own demons recently. I'm on a new scary road and yes it's bloody terrifying but you need to take more than the baby steps (I'm not sure you're even making baby steps tbh) to change your daughters situation. You think you are mentally but the reality of everyday life for your dd is the same today as it was last week and the week before that. There's no improvements that Ss could see to say "we can see your trying". It's not tangeable.

If Ss come knocking there is nothing you've done already or give evidence of trying that will wash with them. If Ss came knocking today or any day between now and Xmas you wouldn't have a leg to stand on. Sorry but you need to pull your finger out. This isn't about you. You brought about child into this world and need to start looking after her properly and that includes the bits of parenting you find tough!

Apologies for my typos. Fat fingers here. Hopefully you get what I'm trying to say to you.

He's already told you he's not going to stop the drugs and alcohol, especially not in the run up to Christmas. What makes you think he was lying?

OP your conditions for him are very vague and open to interpretation. He needs to clean up. He has to stop smoking at all. (I admit I am passionately against weed. I hate it as much as Class A drugs and think it does just as much or more damage in its way) Let him choose between a family or a spliff. I don't know a single family where a parent smokes heavily that isn't in a disastrously similar state to yours. Ex-close friends did this and their child ended up estranged from them, the mother died of weed-related lung cancer, the dad is a shell of his brilliant, talented former self and never sees his child. They were professionals, successful and talented, and they messed up big time. It's a shit choice of a life.

He has a serious health condition also so if he continues he isn't going to see all of DD's christmases is he?

Thanks sphinx
myuser I know you recognise your mums failure to act in me and I can see why you'd get pissed off. I know he's damaging his health and he's been so blasé about his issues when it comes to his condition. He can't see how they connect and found the inevitable 'research' on the internet that said cannabis can be beneficial for it .
In terms of what change looks like and making it more concrete I want to see him go to the go (I'll come too) and have him actually admit he's struggling with his mental health and that daily pot smoking is a problem for him. as the go knows he is a big smoker of normal fags and they also know he smokes pot it should just be a good way in to get help.
I'm demanding a big sort out of finances (this really scares me) and that we will have a central pot to equally pay for things.
There's more but you get the gist.

Go to the G.p

Okay OP, how about cutting that deadline to calling the GP surgery by tomorrow to make the appointment?

So basically all he needs to do is agree to split money and say he will go to the GP and you won't leave?

Do you see how vulnerable that makes you and DD? Because neither of those things actually lead to a concrete change in DDs living situation and particularly the discussion about money leaves you highly vulnerable to the escalation of his abuse.

I think what you need to do is speak to women's aid, make a promise to yourself that you will keep DD away from other adults getting wrecked and limit her exposure to her father when he is not sober. Stop trying to involve him in her life unless he is stone cold sober.

Not even a mention of raising his alcohol problem with the GP?

In any case, he is not going to agree to go, or to share the relevant info with the GP. Or he will do and just carry on as before.

He is not going to stop spending all his money on his substances, scratchcards and crap.

So at some point soon you will need to leave him, or continue to choose him over your DD.

You know, it never quite made sense to me that you reported your family being so blase about addiction and substance misuse when you reported that they all drank "normally" and your upbringing was "good". Well-adjusted adults and parents aren't generally casual about heavy substance use if they have functional relationships with drugs and alcohol themselves. Things are somewhat clearer now.

And jesus, no, not everyone's Christmas is like that. I would have stopped fucking coming long ago if there was any significant chance anyone would end up incoherent or with their head stuck down the toilet. People might be slightly merry and free-flowing with talk and board games when the kids are in bed - that's the limit.

I can still remember the one time my dad got singing drunk after my brother's graduation when I was quite young. I was older than DD, but I was frightened and desperately embarrassed. I've never forgotten it. Drunk, stoned adults are terrifying for children.

red - your boundaries and expectations for him are much too loose. He'll do exactly what he's doing now - give just enough for just long enough until he senses your resolve has been sapped again. Then it's back to same old same old.

I'll admit, it can be very frustrating reading this thread. Not even because you haven't gone yet, but because you seem to be gathering resolve and actively planning, and then he throws you the merest bone and you lapse right back and defend him, and because your DD honestly seems to play little part in your thinking about this whole situation. But if it is helping you, I don't want you to stop posting.

It's becoming more and more clear that your family of origin was NOT normal, and that the normalisation of addiction and abuse began long before you met your H - indeed, that you picked him for a reason, as did your sister. Your DD's fate is becoming pretty clear too, unless you find the strength to end the cycle, get yourself into healthier surroundings, and get yourself some counselling. She'll become an addict herself, or choose an addict for a partner, or, if she's really lucky, both.

Call Women's Aid. Tell them you're not sure what to say, but a load of people on the internet tell you your relationship isn't normal and your husband is an addict who abuses you. They can take it from there. You know the Russian proverb, "If three people tell you you are sick, go to a doctor?" You are sick. Get help.

Red Do you agree that the main problem is the weed? Because, if so, one of the conditions for you agreeing to stay has to be him stopping or dramatically reducing his weed use. Everything else is just tinkering around the edges.
What do you think he would say if you asked him to have 2 weeks weed and booze free so that you can put that money towards Christmas for DD? Because, if he can't even manage 2 weeks so that he can spoil his DD for Christmas, then I think you have your answer.

He's already said clearly that he is unwilling/able to stop, even briefly.

Red i think you know as well as I do that the reason you don't want to challenge him is a fear that you will hear all the things you don't want to and finally have no choice but to make a decision. The fear you describe isn't of him it is of reality. Of hearing it from his mouth that he doesn't want to change and doesn't want a different life and doesn't value you and DD the way you wish he would. You can see it through his actions but have managed to find enough excuses for him to get you this far. The next step is your final realisation that nothing is going to change. You don't want to get on that path because you see it as the beginning of the end.
We are trying to show you that you are already on the path to the beginning of the end - the slow painful death - and simply are advising you speed this up by taking some control now, for your DD's sake. The fact you don't want to - and clinging on to small crumbs of hope is the point you let DD down.

That barrier is what we are telling you is faulty - the fight instinct, the anger for your child. It's not there. Maybe it never will be. That's what SS will see as your downfall. You have little to no parental fight in you. He has zero. Together - dangerous.
My parents had none.
I have this kind of fire inside me that rages with overwhelming love for my kids and it kind of burns with pain if I feel they are hurt or disappointed. I physically and emotionally cannot love or like people who hurt them.

There will probably come a time (hopefully sooner rather than later) that you realise the only person who can help your DH is himself.

I get the impression, based on your descriptions of his family, that his alcohol/weed intake is 'normal' for him. You provide the long suffering but ultimately supporting wife role, he has a job and a child. So on the surface all is well for him. You just nagging him a bit more to go to the GP will just be a slight annoyance (oh my wife's not happy etc) but no major incentive to actually change.

I have a feeling he needs to hit rock bottom.

You being around supporting him in his addiction (which is what you do every time you pay a bill; play the happy wife at a family party and make sure he pays a bit of attention to his DD) will never push him to make the changes he needs to make.

In the meantime your DD will continue to be exposed to this totally disfunctional family environment.

Does having multiple addictions/problems, like Red's H, make recovery harder (and the odds of managing it worse)?

I think your partner has already decided what is more important in his live - his addictions not you or dd. You will only ever be on his periphery.
Your daughter is seeing you tiptoe round a man who doesn't do anything other than drink and smoke and generally get in the way. He sounds like he sucks the joy and fun out of everything but yet your DD will think that is what a man does because she sees YOU doing this.

He isn't going to change. He is an adult who has made his own decisions and is content to ruin his health and life. Should you two leave I think it would be weeks before he noticed.
He only does enough to keep you invested so you can be his cook/clean/guild his ego with DD as a kind of cute pet.

You could do so much better. Being single would be a massive upgrade on this mockery of a relationship.