My partner is damaging his daughter's mind, body and soul (follow on thread)

[RedStripeLassie]

A follow on from my dp doesn't look after his mind, body or soul (Offreds words for the title)
I understand people's anger, sadness and frustration at the situation I'm putting dd in but would appreciate further help as I feel I'm getting somewhere and don't want to lose the momentum and ignore everything.
Thanks to everyone that took time posting and don't feel like you have to again if you feel it's not going anywhere or its falling on deaf ears.

Red, what will he be spending his £50 on? Your DD's Christmas presents? Clothes, books for her? Heating bills? Or his addiction?

I think you need to write down, for yourself, what it would look like for him to make the kind of progress you'd need. What specific kind of changes he'd be making to his life. And then, when he throws you scraps and you feel all optimistic, compare what he's actually done to what you need him to do and see if it measures up.

I also think he is being subtly manipulative because its easy to.

Part of giving you the £50 in public is to make you feel others won't believe you if you tell them he's financially abusive. It's not just to look like the good guy. If he was really being "sweet", he could have given you the whole £100, in private. He's got you conditioned to be grateful for crumbs.

for you Red and I hope you are able to get out soon.

What money did he use to win the £100? Has he added gambling to his list of addictions?

No drugs or alcohol whilst in sole charge of his DC and before a shift in a physically demanding job, and playing with his DC, should just be a given, happening daily, not "nice" and worthy of note.

Why didn't he give you the whole £100?

After all, he admitted he owes you for bills. He knows that as a family you're struggling financially. And as a family, the normal thing to do would be to split that windfall down the middle anyway, or better yet decide together which bills and things for DD it can go towards.

But no, he's going to play at being publicly magnanimous, and 'generously' give you something that's already yours, with a ridiculous impractical suggestion that you 'treat yourself' for the benefit of the peanut gallery, thus in a handy side benefit undermining you should you complain of his behaviour in future.

He get to smoke an extra £50. And by investing the other £50 in a public gesture, he can hook you straight back into your old dynamic, where both of you accept that his money is his to do as he likes and bills are your problem. A wise investment indeed.

I don't think he's a monster. I don't doubt that at base he's a very unhappy man. But the manipulativeness of that 'sweet' gesture is making the bile rise up in my throat.

I know he gave it to me in front of his family to be the big man to them all but I really can't look a gift horse in the mouth. Apart from that though I didn't read any deeper manipulative behaviour into it before. No, thankfully no gambling addictions going on. Just a fondness of scratch cards (because we are just that classy ).

I'm still really keen for him to engage with the local cannabis services. As I said on my last thread, there's a specialist service round here specifically for cannabis as its a massive problem in the area. This way it wouldn't seem, I think, in his eyes such an overreaction as going to a all drugs kind of service. I'm going to mention it to him again and if he dismisses it, raise my worried about SS again.

Scratch card and are a form of gambling. You also have no money for scratch cards. I'm so confused by your desire to see the best in everything when it's just another way he wastes your money

I'm just used to making things seem better or innocent I think. If I do this people in RL can see us as another normal young family. Habit I suppose.

How much does he spend on scratch cards? Or was he really really lucky to win £100 with his first £1 card?

Haha, no it was a £10 scratch card so I'm told. He buys a few cheaper ones every day but not often the tenner ones.

Can you see the manipulation behind giving you the £50 now?

Red I am a single mum and have to make ends meet myself. All of this spending is so irresponsible. You seem to have virtually no control over the finances. Another example of low level reckless spending isn't it?

A bit, yeah

So that's another, what £15-20 a week on scratchcards, when your daughter didn't have a proper winter coat a few weeks ago?

High level reckless spending would be endless credit cards and living way beyond your means. Low level is spending everything you have on none of the right things.
Neither are good

He buys multiple crotch cards every day? And you are thinking it's a gift when he bungs you £50?
How often does he win on these multiple daily card purchases?
You could have had your hair done months ago if he hadn't bought any at all. And paid some bills. Fuck me, he's done a number on you. And you are letting him.

Sorry to bang on but if my friend hadn't have given us her spare I would have made sure I got her a warm winter coat. I'd have got a decent cheap one from eBay or somewhere.

His irresponsibility at his age, and with a child is pretty breathtaking

But you shouldn't have to should you? You should be able to walk into m&s or primark or even Tesco or sainsburys and just buy your daughter a coat - that's what normal people do

Red I think you need to sit down and look at both bank statements for you both to really get a handle of what is truely going on here. Do you know exactly how much is going out of the account each week or day? Have you really confronted this problem?
Look and add it all up. He's taking this from his toddler

So he's a problem gambler too. Your child is inadequately provided for but he gambles away how much - a tenner a day?

But it's ok because he handed you fifty quid in a disgustingly cynical transaction apparently lifted from the seventies sitcom school of gender politics 'get yourself a new dress darling', and your reaction is that this is 'sweet'?

No, this isn't good enough. Or normal. It is in fact deeply fucked up and troubling. I second the suggestion to try slagging him off to your daughters teacher and see if you get a men, eh?' response from her.

But you won't, because you aren't ready to admit the truth.

Get a free ynab trial. Pull up your online banking for the last three months. Sit down and put all of it into ynab under each of the categories (maybe set up categories for 'booze' 'drugs' and 'scratch cards') and actually look at it.
You might feel slightly differently about your £50 gift horse.

Discussing finances and having a solid handle on them, budgets and monitoring incoming and outgoing is what is normal. You need to do this urgently. He doesn't get to choose whether he opts in or out of this, that is what families and adults do.

A £10 scratchcard? "We really are that classy". FFS.

Wanting to nudge him towards the cannabis service because otherwise he might feel stigma. Talking about your anxiety and fear of social services, not your own concerns about his addictions and the impact on the family, lest he get angry. Let's ignore the booze and his abuse of you too.

By running around seeking to compensate him (ebay, charity from friends), clinging onto vain hope that somehow you can nudge him a tiny step towards change, and taking no action towards leaving, even in your own mind, you are being a shit parent. Just in a different way from him.