My partner is damaging his daughter's mind, body and soul (follow on thread)

[RedStripeLassie]

A follow on from my dp doesn't look after his mind, body or soul (Offreds words for the title)
I understand people's anger, sadness and frustration at the situation I'm putting dd in but would appreciate further help as I feel I'm getting somewhere and don't want to lose the momentum and ignore everything.
Thanks to everyone that took time posting and don't feel like you have to again if you feel it's not going anywhere or its falling on deaf ears.

Red, it's not about him. It's not even about you, ultimately. It's about your daughter.

As other people have said, show this thread to your daughter's teacher. Or tell her what your partner does every single day. Tell her about your financial problems. How he spends money, and on what. Tell her about what he does in the park. What he said about being an addict.

You won't, of course. Because you know on some level that things are very wrong and your daughter's teacher would take action.

You don't have to leave him easily. You just have to leave him. How you deal with that later is another matter (and people here can help you with that). But you have to leave him, and very soon.

I remember this original thread & cant believe you still haven't left him.

Your poor daughter, how do you not feel shit enough about what you're doing to her to just leave this vile situation?

It's because deep down you don't see the weed and beer as a deal breaker as long as he turns into an actively engaged Dad.

If he lightened up in general and stepped up with DD and improved in every other way including spending slightly less on it, I daresay you would overlook it.

Oh, and Red. Perhaps Social Services will never do anything. Perhaps no one will do anything about it. That doesn't mean that what you are doing to your daughter - and don't fool yourself, you, Red are harming your daughter - is all right. Social Services didn't do anything about Baby P either. And I'm sure that his mother thought things were all right.

It's not "Planet Mumsnet". It's normality. The one who is in a deeply fucked up situation is you.

I must add, if he REALLY cared he'd seek support and see his GP and do WHATEVER it took to sort himself out. You just shrug it off, and think because your daughter is doing well it doesn't effect her.

Sort yourself out, leave and put your daughter first!!

If he really cared, make him leave or you and your daughter leave and see exactly what he does to rectify the damage !!

I can see exactly how this is going to go. If he cared he'd have sorted himself out already but he doesn't give a shit!

Why should your daughter suffer because you say " when's he's good he's good" no way would I put me and my child through this, it's excuse after excuse !

You and your daughter are the ones who will have to live with the consequences !
Why is that not enough?!

I'm not even sure (myself included) why any of us bother investing in threads like these.

No intention to leave, forever making excuses, puts everyone else's needs above daughters.

Agree midsummersnight I just don't think I'll/we ever understand why she can't put her daughter first. I can't stop looking at my 15 month old son and getting upset.
Her poor poor daughter makes me so angry and sad

Red, I'm sorry to say but the more you post the more your selfishness shines through.

You say he makes her tea and does bathtimes - that's not exemplary parenting that's the bare bloody basics. Why are you so grateful for so little? He's not going to turn into a Disney dad. He is an addict who has said he doesn't want to change.

The only person putting your daughter through this nightmare is you.

Please, PLEASE self refer to social services so someone else can take the responsibility of decision making out of your hands and help you out of this mess.

Hi Red
Glad you have started another thread. Just a question:

If you were a single mum would you choose him if you met him now?

I'm really trying to stick with this and learn. I know I've said it before but I don't want to get caught in the trap of just saying what people want to hear (I do this too much in real life already), so yes, you are getting the full wack of all my worst traits. Selfish, pathetic, indecisive and I'm sure you could list more. But I'm here to get help, not to make friends so there's no point in pretending I'm a selfless, feisty kick ass who comes good. If you want to help I appreciate it and I really don't take the judgement to heart. I'm doing this because at the end of the day I want to help dd and myself. It started off about dh but that's changed.

And drmaybe there's no chance I'd pick him now if I'd just met him as a single mother!

Right so if you want to help your DD why aren't you just leaving?

It's literally that simple. It's not easy, but it's simple.

Help daughter = leave abusive partner.

Midsummers, because the OP doesn't see her partner as abusive. Hard though it is to believe. That's the problem.

However, Red, that begs the question of the title of this thread.

Do you really believe that your partner is damaging your daughter's mind, body, and soul? Because if so, there's only one thing to do, and you know it.

You do sound in denial and desperate to stay with your abusive addict H.

The changes you mention don't do a thing to tackle the core problems affecting you and DD: financial and emotional abuse and his addictions.

People on here do not live on "planet MN". some have been where you are, or even been addicts.

Also, if the risks we've mentioned are not real and only on "planet MN" why are you so scared of your landlord?

So if you "want hell" why the hell are you not doing anything?
I get when some posters say she doesn't think her husband is this and that but I'm failing to understand why you made a second thread when you've still done fuck all to change any of this?!

Your pathetic excuse of a husband has told you he won't change, he won't last the 5 days starting from Monday, what do you actually want OP? You ARE coming across as incredibly selfish and putting your husband before your daughter, he's NOT your responsibility,for now and years to come your daughter IS

You're saying you're taking all these posts on board, but let's be honest, you're not are you? You're still stuck in this pathetic situation and letting your daughter suffer

I've said this before and I don't doubt you love your little girl, but her best interests don't even come across the tiniest bit in your replies, tbh I don't even think she comes into this on your part does she?

You're both letting her down and you both clearly don't give a shit otherwise you'd have gotten her out of this. It's all about you and your husband, you're wasting your time with him,he doesn't want to change!!!

Coming up with these stupid little plans will prove nothing!!!

GET YOUR DAUGHTER OUT OF THIS

But it's not like you'll listen to any one of us!

I'm sure we'll read a new thread down the line with you saying you wish you had listened.

I STILL don't know why I'm even responding on this thread?!

And tbh I think this is an insult to women and men who have been in a similar situation BUT got out to protect their children

I don't know why you think being reported to SS is 'planet mumsnet', you're so dismissive of the possibility

Someone could be calling them now, a neighbour or nursery worker, today, tomorrow. What makes you so sure they're not?

Every time this comes around full circle it goes back to what is best for DP. How it would make DP feel. How DP would cope. DD is ok so she isn't the priority of the moment.

Your daughter is therefore expected to be the strong one here and learn to adapt to her fathers mental health and emotional needs. You have put yourself in the middle as a barrier, trying to shield her from him and him from his true self.

I know this and how it feels because that was me.

Time and time again we point out that this is poor parenting.

It is not for your daughter to learn how to manage and navigate daddy's poor health and daddy's poor insight and daddy's poor awareness. And neither is it yours - you aren't a social worker or a psychologist.

What would be the actual reality of harm that would come to your DP to be told you are a poor parent and x y and z needs to change here. What's he actually going to do that is so terrible with that information? If he would take his own life over it then he has deep mental health problems that need urgent attention. If he gets angry - then you are scared of his reaction and therefore this is an abusive relationship.

So if you keep telling us DP is a good man, who has lost his way, I'm sure it will all work itself out in the end... why are you so poor? Why can't you have another baby? And the answer is you are both far too dysfunctional to get any further in life. You are stuck in that rut. this is it. Your best years are gone. This is your life from now on. How does that actually feel to think about that - you here in 15 years?

Maybe it's more denial, maybe because I still see at least myself as a good mum or at least I come across as one (please don't all come back saying I'm not. I know that's what the feeling is on here). Also, I've never known anyone close to me whose has social services involvement. I know none of them are valid reasons to dismiss it but once again brutal honestly on what goes on in my head.

To costa coffee

To me, I think you are what i would put in the category of a good mother on the surface. I think deeper it's all muddled.
As both myself and another poster have already said about the boat/raft analogy, you have picked the one that is sinking.

It feels horrible user. I've had panic attacks over that actual thought. Looking around our shitty little flat, feeling like the walls are closing in and looking in the mirror at someone looking older and unwell saying, next year, next year etc. Feeling jealous on dds behalf that other children has gardens and fun weekends away and knowing that I'm as much to blame. It's shit.

This is it Red. This is probably as good as it may get. That's the choice you are making. You are the one who has to live with it. Not me or anyone else.
The guilt will eat you alive. I hope your love for DP can make up for that

It's shit, yes, it is.

What are you going to do to get that garden and fun weekends?

DH is spending a tenner a day on scratchies. But that's nothing. It's not a problem. It wouldn't add up to a deposit on a holiday, or a bit more rent money for a nicer place or anything, would it? And nor would the money for booze and spliffs...