My partner is damaging his daughter's mind, body and soul (follow on thread)

[RedStripeLassie]

A follow on from my dp doesn't look after his mind, body or soul (Offreds words for the title)
I understand people's anger, sadness and frustration at the situation I'm putting dd in but would appreciate further help as I feel I'm getting somewhere and don't want to lose the momentum and ignore everything.
Thanks to everyone that took time posting and don't feel like you have to again if you feel it's not going anywhere or its falling on deaf ears.

You might think that because I haven't left yet that I won't. Believe me I will and if he lies, is the nasty aggressive bastard he is without pot/skunk, or just decides he won't commit to this I will take dd and myself out of this after Christmas. You're right, I haven't been putting her first always but I didn't realise that's what I was doing.

If I'm really, really honest with myself I think he could get quite nasty without his substances. Looking at how aggressive he can (not physically BTW) be in the morning if he's woken up or challenged in any way makes me wonder how 5 days of this will be. When he gets in from work late at night he can be an absolute bastard in the 5 mins it takes him to skin up open a can and get outside. This may well be a massive push for me to see the 'real' him. As in my dh having to cope with life without a cushion of lovely substances to dull him.

He's aggressive when he gets woken up in the morning, and a bastard when he gets in at night. And that's not been enough for you to leave already? Why do you need more proof? Why put your daughter through this just to prove a point?

I really don't understand your thinking

Because this hasn't always been him. I'm coming to terms that it is him now. rabbits post last night put it perfectly. We wanted a family and all the perfect normalness that should have gone with it but he never stopped being selfish and then the shit year happened and it's all gone to shit.

Prepare yourself for him to pick a fight with you and go right back to the substances during those 5 days. If he tells you "well I would have stuck to it, but you weren't supportive enough/told me off for swearing in front of DD/didn't trust me", do you feel confident you could say "no that's bollocks, you broke your promise"? Or will you blame yourself and give him yet another chance?

Yeah, he'll pick a fight and blame you then.

Just have a response ready and prepared.

Do not let him deflect his failure back onto you. Its his choice, and it's always been his choice. And he is smoking your child's Christmas money.

Red we understand you need for yourself to hold this test - but we do not expect him to pass it as he is an addict, so are trying to prepare you for the bumpy ride.

So he skins up in the house rather than outside?
Ugh it must smell lovely and your child is breathing all this shit In and the smell is clinging to her clothes/hair.

You need to start putting your dd's needs and not your wants first. This is a toxic environment, and your poor baby has no choice but to live this existence.

Every day that you stay is another day your dd is damaged by both her parents, (you are complicit in what is going on) give her the chance of a normal life away from the effects of drugs and a selfish father that can't even commit to stopping drugs to pay for his daughters Christmas presents.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it or cure it.

His aggression and addictions are not new. He smashed the light two years ago, and makes rape "jokes". Please do call WA.

It's probably also inadviseable for someone very much dependent on drugs and alcohol to seek to give up without proper advice and help from health services. There are risks to you and your DD - and DH himself - here.

Your hope / conditions for him to try to meet are ill founded.

It's clear that he has big problems and presents a risk to you and DD.

Does he skin up in the house? Jesus, he must think she's blind.

You know that song 'Rockabye'. I love these lyrics:

She tells him "ooh love"
No one's ever gonna hurt you, love
I'm gonna give you all of my love
Nobody matters like you (stay up there, stay up there)
She tells him " your life ain't gonna be nothing like my life (straight)
You're gonna grow and have a good life
I'm gonna do what I've got to do" (stay up there, stay up there)

Just think about that with your dd. You have had a dysfunctional life too, OP, but it doesn't need to be the same for your dd. No, it is not a normal Christmas for that many people to be drunk. No one gets drunk in our family. Dh's family is HUGE and there is one uncle who regularly drinks too much (he has really badly messed up his kids who are now adults), but that's it. It is not normal. His kids are breaking out of that pattern (only 1 has kids themselves), because they know how it has messed them up.

Do it for your dd. She will be better off in the long run. I have only just come to this thread so I feel I have the energy to say this to you. And I know if you have grown with it, it is even harder. But it is not 'normal' in many circles. Yes, in some places it is common but the results are always damaging. Always. And the cycle goes on. Your dd can be different. She can break out of it. And that is the best present - birthday, Christmas or anything you can give her.

I'm going to arm myself with responses and I'm not going to back down on this. I do feel confident in this situation to not accept any blame if he can't do it. 5 days so we can save some cash is the absolute least he can do and he can't he's more selfish and addicted than I gave him credit for.
I'm ashamed to say that when he's being an arsehole after work I actually look forward to him lighting his fist joint because I know he'll come back in calmer and apologise for being a dick.

Re: skinning up inside. I used to think he just underestimated how much dd can see and take in. Now I'm starting to believe he just doesn't care . I don't want her to be a smoker of anything.

I know you're all preparing me for him to fail but the good side of this is my growing anger if he can't/won't do it. I'm already pissed off and feel stronger about it which makes a change for me!

I personally think this idea is crazy as well as dangerous.

Promise us that as soon as he shows aggression, you will remove DD and yourself from the situation by leaving immediately? Make sure you have your mobile phone with you, fully charged.

That sounds like the classic sign of an abusive partner: acts overly loving and generous in public and after being awful does some nice things to stop his partner leaving.

I will be really ready to act if it feels like things will kick off.
It's new ground for me so it could be fine or maybe not. If I was at all concerned for physical safety I wouldn't dream of doing it.

Everyone on this thread - including you, Red

I notice that there's a dynamic here that is as pernicious as the abuse that you are enduring, RedStripe, and it is similar and being allowed to persist - and being enabled for that matter.

Does anyone notice the parallel between this thread and RedLassie's situation? That posters are staying here hoping you'll change, OP, and you're giving them crumbs of that hope every now and again with promises, and small signs that you're rethinking ... only to realise that nothing much has changed at all?

Sometimes, those in abusive situations create the same circumstances in the exchanges between those they turn to for apparent help - which is a way of easing the incredible pressure while still being fed by something that, while damaging, is at least something they know.

Just like many of the posters are saying to the OP, it's time to walk away. Some people change, and others don't, but it feels like right now this, like your relationship, Red, is an exercise in futility.

MsStrictly I've been trying to phrase the same message but couldn't find the eloquence to do so. You're completely right.

Remember I told a story on you last thread of the little girl 4/5 years old who innocently told her teacher about Mummy burning the brown stone. The teacher was clueless and it went over her head, but the mother got the fright of her life when the girl recounted it. If the teacher had understood that would have been it, game over.

And yeah I think he doesn't care, cos it's not like he's saying he'll start skinning up outside next year. He intends to skin up inside in the warmth indefinitely.

Other excuses you should prepare yourself for:
"XYZ happened last week, so Monday isn't a good time to start because I'm stressed/busy/whatever. Let's put it off until Friday/next week/never, so I can really put the effort in properly."

"I'm having trouble sleeping. I need to have just one to help me sleep. Otherwise I'll struggle at work, and you don't want me to lose my job, do you?"

"If we're going to do this properly, let's wait until January so it can be a New Year's resolution."

"This wasn't a good day. I'll definitely start tomorrow, though."

"Oh THIS Monday? Oh yeah, I totally forgot, oooops. Oh well."

"My health condition is flaring up and I need this for medical reasons."

"Oh, God, maybe you're right. Maybe I do need help. Okay let's give up on this 5 days thing, and I'll just do some thinking about maybe contacting that cannabis service... one day... when we're past Christmas... when I'm feeling better... when I'm not so tired/busy/stressed..."

Your last update makes me hope that social services are made aware of your family very very soon. You are prepared to put your dd at risk of witnessing violence however small you think that risk is. You are just as selfish as your partner.

Mmm. Think you might have a point there, MsStricty

I work as a counsellor and I was in more than one abusive situation, and I know how compelling unconscious drives can be to perpetuate what is familiar - co-opting those along the way who are unwitting participants in the drama.

I feel for you, OP, and yet the choice is yours entirely. Maybe one day you'll be able to get enough perspective to break out of the deeply ingrained cycle that you're in.

msStrictly I really hope not but you may have a point. I'm writing here what goes through my mind. It changes all the time. I'm avoiding just writing what people want to here but that results in all of you hearing how much changes and goes forwards and backwards in a matter of days.
I know it's frustrating because I'm bloody living it in my head day in and out!!!

All I can say is that something about this '5 days off' idea has really sparked something in me. The idea of him failing it makes me so angry and disappointed.
Please also remember that a month ago I came to an anonymous help forum to ask about my dhs depression. A lot has changed since then and I'm still trying to come to terms with it.

I've been lurking on this and your other thread, but I just wanted to tell you about my friend. Her partner was very much like your husband. She tried to compensate by being the over the top, smiley happy mummy. She was involved with the school, went to all the parent days etc, put on a great act. But it didn't make a difference. People could see the life her child was living and she ended up on a child protection plan. Thankfully she saw the light and ended her relationship but it was very clear that if she didn't her child would be subject to care proceedings and that would have been absolutely the right thing to do.

All it takes is a neighbour to smell drugs, a friend to be concerned, a teacher to hear an innocent remark from your child, and it will be out of your hands. Not only that, but you have nothing you can say to them that you are doing to put your DD first because you aren't. You are prioritising your relationship over the emotional and physical wellbeing of your child. Where are your angry maternal instincts when your baby is breathing in smoke, when you can't buy her a coat or xmas presents? You should be raging at him. I hope someone steps in for your daughter soon because it doesn't seem that you are able to put her first.