My partner is damaging his daughter's mind, body and soul (follow on thread)

[RedStripeLassie]

A follow on from my dp doesn't look after his mind, body or soul (Offreds words for the title)
I understand people's anger, sadness and frustration at the situation I'm putting dd in but would appreciate further help as I feel I'm getting somewhere and don't want to lose the momentum and ignore everything.
Thanks to everyone that took time posting and don't feel like you have to again if you feel it's not going anywhere or its falling on deaf ears.

It is not at app "typical" for young men to get into physical fights: only a small minority, who get aggressive, do. He is lucky he doesn't have a criminal record.

You say he's never been violent to you, but two years ago he broke that switch - that is violence. Perhaps there have been other incidents with inanimate objects - punching the wall, smashing or throwing things. Violence. He talks about sexual violence, "jokingly".

he hasn't need to use violence recently: all the other forms of abuse (making himself out to be a sad victim, gaslighting, verbal abuse, financial) have worked so well for him in your relationship.

What a good post from Ounce.
Please read it, op.

Not much to add to what everyone else has said just that you know you don't need to wait for a big event to justify leaving don't you? Just wanting to is enough. That may sound silly but I think sometimes people in abusive situations can loose sight of that, this week hasnt been as bad so no reason to go now, he says he'll do this so now I have to stay and see what happened etc. I know i felt this. You can go regardless of what's happening right now.

Good luck op. I hope you can make the break for you and your DDs sakes.

for the amazing women who continue to try, I can't read any further x

OP, you deserve better. Your daughter deserves better. Only you can make this happen.

You might think that some of the posters here are being tough on you but you are coming across as being incredibly naïve.

I hope you have seen now that you are not putting your child first. You are putting your own feelings first. You don't want to leave your husband because you love him. What about your daughter? It really sounds like the atmosphere in your house is terrible. How awful for her to have to live like that. Don't think she doesn't notice. As for him spending what little money you have and she has to do without basics such as a coat? Please don't continue to let that happen.

If in 20 years time your daughter was in a relationship like yours, how would you feel? She is learning what is acceptable from you. Don't let her think that this life you and she are living is all that she is worth.

offred I have read your concerns about CSM so I see where you're coming from. I find it easier to see other peoples issues clearer than my own.

sarah and everyone. Thanks for your patience. I really don't feel like anyone has been to harsh. Like I said, I'm living this back and forwards indecision and inaction all the time and I drive myself up the wall!

redrizlas your relief that you turned it around really comes through in your post. You know where I'm coming from. I know she must see more than we give her credit for and I'd hate her to mimic anything.

I do feel like we're in a sinking raft.

Genuine question, what's making you stay with him?

Don't know. When he's lovely, he's great. People have assumed he doesn't care about is but he does. He loves being a family man even if he's doing a shit job of it a lot of the time. He'd be gutted if we left. My last thread started with me worrying about him and his health (mental and physical). I really don't know how he'd get over us leaving as he's neglected or burnt his bridges with most friends. Family are more sympathetic but have started getting to a point.
We've got a long history and I never imagined we'd split. I mentioned on my last thread that no one in my family (apart from my parents) have ever split or divorced and I'm from a big family! People just plod on through their problems rather than split up. Not healthy but it's what I'm used to.

I can sympathise with that. You are worrying about the effect it would have on him if you left, but do you think he ever sits there and considers the effect his behaviour has on you and your daughter?

He loves being a family man? When? When he is drunk and stoned in the park with his daughter? When he takes his daughter to a family party where people drink, smoke weed, and take coke? When he spends 70 quid every week on weed but you can't afford to buy your daughter a new coat and have to ebay things to buy Christmas presents for her? When he goes mad when you try to question your finances? What sort of family man is that?

You keep wanting to talk with him. To make him understand, to make him see.

He won't. Because he doesn't want to. Because all he cares about right now is his drink and his drugs - and he's told you as much. And still you persist in "being an optimist".

You said you would leave before Christmas if things didn't improve. Then it will be after Christmas. Then presumably after Easter. Then after the summer...

Red, if it was just you you would be perfectly free to fuck up your life any way you liked. It's not just you - it's your little daughter, who is being damaged on a daily basis. I told you in the previous thread that it would be better for her to be adopted if you want to stay with this man, and that social services would be justified in removing her. Right now, I still have the same view.

By the way, the previous thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2758474-My-DP-doesnt-look-after-his-mind-body-or-soul

Ive been quite naive about the effects on dd of living with him. Because she's a happy and well adjusted little girl I hadn't really considered it. Also it's easy to get stuck thinking that she's too young to understand or learn from what she's seen but her resent swearing says otherwise. Sometime in the last month I asked him to really step up on being a Dad and he has. It's made a difference already to their relationship and she's noticeably happier around him and more willing to go to him as well as me if she wants/needs something.

https://www.jrf.org.uk/sites/default/files/jrf/migrated/files/poorer-children-education-full.pdf

The impact of poverty on educational attainment in children. His pot addiction is forcing your child in to poverty.

I know a child with a similar childhood to your DDs, the child smoked pot from 11. It rubs off much quicker than you think.

Don't know is a problem.

You know this situation is damaging you.

You are starting to realise that it must be damaging DD.

He has told you he wants to remain an addict.

Your situation would have most women running for the door.

I think you know, at some level, things have been bad enough for long enough with too little sign of change, that leaving is almost certainly the right thing for you and DD, at least for a while until he gets clean.

Yet, you are blocking yourself like mad. It is like you are desperate to talk yourself into staying.

Things are bad enough to leave today already by any normal understanding, so you can't hide behind "if things get bad enough, then I will definitely get DD and me away"

Until you understand your own issues and tackle your own crazy dysfunctional thinking then you are stuck. He could get much much worse, damage you and DD even more, damage himself even more, and you will find a reason to stay because what's keeping you there is something in your own head, it's nothing to do with his behaviour or the impact on you and DD (if it was, you'd be long gone).

He doesn't love being a father enough if he can't prioritise his child over smoking illegal joints and getting shit faced.
He'd be gutted if you left? Well then he needs to decide if he's gutted enough to change his behaviour. I'm guessing he would miss drugs and alcohol and scratch cards even more.
Don't worry about him if you leave. You aren't responsible for another adult. Your DD needs you to be responsible for her.

He is not a "family man": he doesn't contribute active care, money or his time or energy and is primarily an addict. He is abusive to the mother of his DC.

In what actual ways has he "stepped up" recently? He even smoked weed when you went to the park!

Of course he would be sad if you left: he would have choices about what to do about that.

You're right rabbit I don't really understand it. It's not because I don't love or care about dd and it's not because I love dh more because I don't.

When I went to the gp about my anxiety she also suggested some free therapy which I have to self refer to. I don't think it'll have all the answers but it might help.

You wrote that He'd be gutted if we left. My last thread started with me worrying about him and his health (mental and physical). I really don't know how he'd get over us leaving as he's neglected or burnt his bridges with most friends. Family are more sympathetic but have started getting to a point.

You wrote it like those are reasons for you to stay. No. Those are reasons for you to leave. These are the reasons why he would hit his rock bottom and get help. These are the reasons why he would get clean and sober. He would be left with nowhere to hide.

You are deliberately stopping him from hitting his rock bottom because of your own issues. Protecting him from his truth isn't a kindness.

When I went to the gp about my anxiety she also suggested some free therapy which I have to self refer to. I don't think it'll have all the answers but it might help.

That's a great idea. But that's for you. Please sort out your priorities. Your daughter comes first. Then you. Then (if he steps up) your husband.

Red, you really need to leave before anything can change on a permanent basis. Can't you see that?

The self referral for therapy is good, as would be contacting Womens Aid.

It doesn't necessarily matter what YOU think of the situation. At any time you and DH could be referred to social services: landlord, nursery staff, teachers, health visitors, neighbours, friends, police (eg if drugs were found in your shared home or car). Based on the length of time there have been problems and your lack of action to improve things for DD, you might be deemed unable to protect your DD adequately.

He doesn't love being a father enough if he can't prioritise his child over smoking illegal joints and getting shit faced.

I don't think he realises that he can't do both. That's why I'm coming up against a lot of resistance.

Without trying to sound like I'm bigging him up he's stepped up by making more of an effort in the evening, he'll have made dds tea without even asking me or he,ll do bathtime. He's letting me kip in the day more and isn't taking the piss lying in till midday. He's also getting more involved in playing with her, making and reading to her. I know by loads of people's standards it's not enough but I'm just answering your question.

I don't know why I can't leave him easily. I literally don't have the answer for that.

I'm not blasé about that dozer but I still feel like that's something that happens on planet mumsnet but not in real life. Otherwise I'd be bricking it more than I am. I do take it seriously but it just doesn't feel like it could actually happen. Maybe that's denial. We've never been on any kind of radar from services at all.

I really don't know how he'd get over us leaving as he's neglected or burnt his bridges with most friends. Family are more sympathetic but have started getting to a point.

As rabbit says, what you have to realise is that this is not your problem. I know that sounds revolutionary to you, like how could you kick a man when he's down? But you aren't loving him, you're propping him up for your own reasons. Every day you make it possible for him to continue to function and have heat and light that works and a home that ticks along, more or less, is a day you protect him from the consequences of his actions (while putting those consequences on your DD) and a day that the addiction carves deeper and deeper grooves into his brain. You aren't saving him, you're making him sicker.

I really don't know how your DD will get over you not leaving.

OK I think I'm also going to leave this thread now

It's always going to be excuses, the way you talk about it worries me

Best of luck OP

I just hope in years to come your daughter doesn't resent you for letting her go through this, sounds harsh but I don't see you ever walking away.

You really can't prioritise your daughters well being and so for that,I'm out