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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cheated

230 replies

SweetPeaPods · 19/11/2016 14:30

I cheated last night. I was away for a work conference. I really don't know how I feel about it. I can't tell dh it would break him.
We have been married nearly 7 years and I have never done anything like this. Never had a ONS in my life.
Part of me is flattered that this guy found me attractive when I feel fat and frumpy. We have 2 DC under 3. Things haven't been great between me and DH but I never thought of cheating or leaving him etc. I know that's not an excuse, but we hardly see each other and very little quality time together.
I keep going from thinking WTF have I done to thinking why don't I care more and why am I not more upset. I don't really know why I'm posting tbh. I know I've done wrong, please be gentle with me. I would be absolutely devastated if it was the other way round so feel like such a heartless cow

OP posts:
Themanfrommancc · 21/11/2016 07:57

only read the first page,,oh yes, its a different story when women cheat. The amen corner of the sisterhood gathers round,says it will be alright and to keep schtum about it .

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/11/2016 08:14

Not for me, Theman, I would give EXACTLY the same advice to a man who posted under the same circumstances.

I don't much care for your 'amen corner of the sisterhood' comment either, it's disparaging and quite untrue.

OhhBetty · 21/11/2016 08:23

I just can't believe anyone would think it was ok to cheat and then lie about it/not tell their spouse. I lost more respect for my ex because of the lying rather than the cheating tbh. This thread has made me terribly sad and shows me I'm right to be petrified of having a relationship again. I think the majority of people would cheat if they could unfortunately. Which is shit enough. But the lying makes it even worse.

Your dh should be allowed to make an informed decision about the marriage with all the facts. It's better to tell him rather than have him find out.

AddToBasket · 21/11/2016 08:27

Betty, the DH doesn't know. He isn't upset by it, the DC aren't disrupted by this.

It is done. Telling is no help. But if this gives the OP the motivation for change some good can still come of it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/11/2016 08:29

Wholeheartedly agree with you, AddToBasket. Nobody, anywhere, is saying that it's ok to cheat or that cheating is in any way acceptable, but what you say is absolutely right. No good would come of disclosure at this point.

Sallystyle · 21/11/2016 08:30

Well, I will not be fucking off.

OP did a massively shit thing. Calling her a cunt isn't going to change that and she hasn't cheated on you. I don't think it is hard to treat a member with a tiny bit of respect. It's not your marriage, it really shouldn't make you this angry.

People need to stop with the 'reverse the sex' crap. I would say the same as what I said here if the OP was a man. I would advise a man to keep quiet if he had a ONS and to work on his marriage. I don't go for any 'sisterhood' shit and I'm not excusing what the OP has done. The best outcome would be for the OP to move on, work on her marriage and keep her family intact. Unless of course she feels her marriage is not worth saving anymore.

A broken family, and a devastated husband isn't the best outcome. The best outcome would be for the OP to leave it behind, work on her marriage if he is willing and keep the family together. She cheated, she has to live with that, unless she does it again I see no need for her family to go through hell and back.

People don't have to feel the same, but to make it into a man vs woman thing is pathetic.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/11/2016 08:32

Agree U2... with all of it. And the grammar correction and you don't see me say that, EVER!

OhhBetty · 21/11/2016 08:44

But they're living a lie in their marriage. He thinks he didn't marry a cheat but was wrong. How could that not eat the op up for the rest of her life? You'd have to be a prettt cold person to keep that from your spouse imo.

Sallystyle · 21/11/2016 09:01

I am not sure it makes you cold to want to cause the least hurt possible after the event.

Yes, she should have thought about that at the time but that can't be changed now.

I think it would be colder of my husband to tell me. I don't want to feel that hurt, I don't want a broken family, I don't want that pain and I don't want to lose a 11 year happy marriage for one selfish choice he made.

It might eat the OP up, but that is her consequence to deal with. Some might say that telling him and easing her conscience is pretty selfish.

I would want to know if he was having an affair or if he had more than one ONS but one? One shitty horrible decision? No, I would rather have my family together. I know I couldn't forgive, my trust would never mend. What would be the point of that? I would know he cheated and regretted it, but now I'm stuck with it all and my children are going to have their lives turned upside down, the consequences of knowing will be much worse than not realising he cheated on me once.

OhhBetty · 21/11/2016 09:07

Erm, just because the parents have split doesn't mean the family is "broken". I actually find that offensive.

Adults should face up to their mistakes and their consequences. 9 times out of 10 it isn't just the once. Now that guy is married to a liar as well as a cheat. It'll definitely come out. My auntie didn't find out until 18 years later. It made it even more painful for her and my cousins in the end.

NavyandWhite · 21/11/2016 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SherlockStones · 21/11/2016 09:58

U2HasTheEdge

That's the thing though the OP should not get a pass to make this kind of, "mistake" and then get sole discretion as to what happens afterwards. I really don't care for all this stuff about whether it's the once or not, cheating is cheating and the OP's husband deserves the right to decide whether he still wants to be part of a marriage that is quite frankly currently built on deceit.

If the family is to break apart that is through no fault of the DH, perhaps he believes he deserves someone that honors their marriage.

billyzanescal · 21/11/2016 10:22

I've seen men get less understanding for not getting up in the night to see to his baby or for not putting the bins out.

^this - a thousand times over.

SlottedSpoon · 21/11/2016 11:25

I swear one of these days I am going to compile a 'compare and contrast' file of threads examining the difference between the support and understanding you can expect as a man on MN compared to what you can expect as a woman, when presenting with what is essentially the same problem.

It would be quite a thick file I think.

Sallystyle · 21/11/2016 11:39

Erm, just because the parents have split doesn't mean the family is "broken". I actually find that offensive

I am sorry you find it offensive. I think you know exactly what I mean though. I have been divorced before, if I was to divorce again I very much would feel like my family has been broken up again. I left the UP out of that sentence. It's how I would feel. My children have lost a lot (death) for their sakes more than mine I would rather not know for a ONS that will not be repeated again, and if it does then I want to know.

That's the thing though the OP should not get a pass to make this kind of, "mistake" and then get sole discretion as to what happens afterwards.

I understand that point of view totally. It really depends on what side the OP's husband is on and I doubt she will know that. It's not like I've told my husband I would rather not know if he had a ONS.

Sallystyle · 21/11/2016 11:42

Adults should face up to their mistakes and their consequences. 9 times out of 10 it isn't just the once. Now that guy is married to a liar as well as a cheat. It'll definitely come out.

Well no, it won't definitely come out. People cheat all the time and it never comes out. I don't know about the 9 times out of 10 stats either. I am sure there are millions of people who have cheated one, regretted it and never did it again. I have no reason to believe OP is going to do it again.

I am not one who believes the crap that 'once a cheater, always a cheater' though.

OhhBetty · 21/11/2016 12:34

Sorry U2HasTheEdge it will probably come out eventually and in my experience 9 times out of 10 it isn't just the once. Obviously they aren't real stats. I thought that would have been obvious but clearly not. Terribly sorry.

Original poster
SweetPeaPods · 21/11/2016 18:57

I don't plan on repeating it. I haven't eaten since and feel permanently sick. Dh and I have had a brief chat and agreed things need to change and we both need to work harder.

OP posts:
Hadenough72 · 21/11/2016 19:10

He's living with a liar
I hope you can live with yourself!
No infact I hope this follows you everywhere until you do the right thing!!

I hate cheats! Lowest of the low!

To the posters telling her to push it under the rug... Really??
Why do people think it's okay to shit on people and THEN play god in their lives!

Fucking wake up!

NavyandWhite · 21/11/2016 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hadenough72 · 21/11/2016 19:18

Absolutely not..
I'm not being rude I'm being blunt..
She is a horrible person if you feel need to cheat leave the person you are with.
I really can't stand cheats.. She broke her vows and now a man is living with a liar and doesn't know it. She should have decided to work on her marriage before someone stuck a Penis in her virgina.

I won't reply because the only advice I'll give is she needs to tell him and let him decide nobody should have to live with a liar.

NavyandWhite · 21/11/2016 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MagicSocks · 21/11/2016 19:26

I think if it really is just a one-off then I'm on the side of not saying anything. Yes, it's cheating which is wrong and lying isn't a good thing to introduce to the marriage either but posters seem to be totally eviscerating the OP based on a single regrettable incident. The fact that her children would be devastated in the event of a split is, to me, more important than taking a black and white holier-than-thou approach that could destroy people's lives.

I also don't think once a cheater always a cheater, people make mistakes and learn from them. There's a difference between this and a habitual cheater.

Hadenough72 · 21/11/2016 19:42

Reading through she also had a nice cosy chat with the person she cheated with afterwards.. (this makes me cringe!) Whom is also married... Oh dear I give up here!
The children will get over it unfortunately, should he choose to leave... There father is a person with feelings too or does his feelings not matter in this?

Whether she would cheat again isn't the point. She has done it once that's enough.
If my partner had done this to me and then lied for me to maybe find out later or whatever that is worse..

It actually makes me loose faith in people and relationships. The thought that so many people are living with liars.. Also that people are telling them not to say anything..

How can anyone that tells someone to do this comment on me and my character.
Atleast I have morals!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/11/2016 19:57

Yes, Hadenough, please DO give up. I've had enough of reading your shitty responses to the OP. If you can't be supportive, be elsewhere. You've said and repeated your piece, several times. She's not once said that she doesn't regret this or that she is happy with the situation.

This is Relationships board, not a venue for goady, nasty posters to keep slapping an OP who is trying to fix this.

I don't know what you class as morals but your brand? Well I don't want those.