I cheated

[SweetPeaPods]

I cheated last night. I was away for a work conference. I really don't know how I feel about it. I can't tell dh it would break him.
We have been married nearly 7 years and I have never done anything like this. Never had a ONS in my life.
Part of me is flattered that this guy found me attractive when I feel fat and frumpy. We have 2 DC under 3. Things haven't been great between me and DH but I never thought of cheating or leaving him etc. I know that's not an excuse, but we hardly see each other and very little quality time together.
I keep going from thinking WTF have I done to thinking why don't I care more and why am I not more upset. I don't really know why I'm posting tbh. I know I've done wrong, please be gentle with me. I would be absolutely devastated if it was the other way round so feel like such a heartless cow

Bob19702

So if a man'shags' a random stranger at a work conference when married would that be ok ?

Absolutely agree with you Bob 19702. A man would get flamed on here.

Because of the fact I'm not a cheater, there's really nothing I can offer you OP, except if I was your husband I'd rather know what I'm dealing with.

If you feel terrible about it and have no intention of doing it again or of ending your marriage then for God's sake whatever you do, do not tell your husband.

fFile it away at the back of your head among 'stupid things I have done and will never do again' and move on.

But don't try to justify it to yourself or to us. It is unjustifiable. There are no excuses.

You need to tell him and go from there.
Having been cheated on I would rather know....I always knew it would be a deal breaker for me and your husband needs to decide for himself.

I think if you've done this and don't feel much remorse, it's probably a sign that your marriage isn't that great.

You may love your husband but you can love anyone, you know. Are you with him because you feel attached/it's just the way things are? Because you don't have to settle for that. You can end the relationship if it's not really making you feel fulfilled.

The ideal solution is having a marriage where you can have dalliances but your DH remains secure that he is still your life partner and #1. But people typically aren't able to fathom that sadly. So, generally when the fulfilment (especially sexual) is gone from a marriage, in our culture you've basically got to cope with it, or break up.

It all depends on what you want OP. And how well you know your DH.

I suspect you aren't having your needs met. IME, this isn't usually something that can change... people will say counselling helps but I don't think it does. Sexual fulfilment can't be negotiated. So... maybe you should do individual counselling and see what you should do next.

Don't just tell him right away. Think it through first. It isn't always kind to be truthful.

If you had a ONS and felt dreadful about it and would do anything to save your marriage I'd say keep it a secret.
However the fact you really don't seem to care means you have to tell him. You obviously don't love him and he deserves to know.

You need to tell your husband.

A bloke would get ripped to shreds.

'We have 2 DCs under 3, life is tough, we haven't been getting on recently, and now he has had a ONS. What shall I do?'

300 replies: 'LTB'

I don't think I'm going to tell DH. I would really like my marriage to work, maybe it is me, maybe I need to put in more effort. It's the least I could do.
Yes our paths will cross again at some point, we have the same job role but for different companies. I hadn't planned on doing anything and no I can't be sure but I don't think he had either. We had a chat after and he assured me he doesn't want anyone to find out about it too.

Talkingmouse

'We have 2 DCs under 3, life is tough, we haven't been getting on recently, and now he has had a ONS. What shall I do?'

300 replies: 'LTB'

That's absolutely spot on, that's what would happen on here......

I agree with PP that you need to get STD tested even if you used a condom and not have sex with your husband until you've got the results back. You've been stupidly selfish and it's even more selfish to put his health at risk.

I personally think he deserves to know so he can decide whether the marriage is worth fighting for. I'd want to know if my husband had fucked someone behind my back.

I think the phrase: 'I would really like my marriage to work' is instructive. If you change your mindset to ' I would really like our marriage to work' you have a chance. If you really do want a lifetime of marriage and to keep your young family together, then you need to turn 'I' into 'our'.

"you might have been the victim of someone who was totally determined to get sex!"

Don't be bloody ridiculous.

Poor girl was probably coerced in to sex I imagine. It was just moment of madness. That's what it's like at these events. She really deserves our sympathy and support not scorn.

Of course all that is utter bollox and I hope he see's sense to leave you. You've made your bed.

OP - did you and your DH agree to be monogamous? If you did, you need to tell him you broke your agreement. If you don't tell him, you'll probably get away with it and then you'll do it again and again and again in the future - because it's fun and you're getting away with it. Until you don't.

Forgive yourself.
Move on
Don't tell a soul
Don't do it again

Tell him. He deserves the chance to choose what he wants to do. He needs to know.

You have to tell him.

Arrange for someone to look after your DC, ideally overnight, and sit down and have a conversation. He may forgive you, he may not, but he deserves to be able to make the call, not you.

I hope you manage to work things out, if indeed that's what you want.

Definitely a thread that would get different responses from the other perspective

Jeez you sound very comfortable about the whole thing OP . So comfortable I bet £million you'll do it again.

iminshock has put exactly what I plan on doing. I won't be doing it again. I really can't tell him it will break his heart. I go to 3 or 4 work conferences a year and it's not fair to him to have him worry every time I go to one when I know I won't be repeating it. It's really not fair to potentially ruin my children's future for one stupid mistake

I'm sorry op but I really think, if you go on these conferences so much, that you should tell him. Otherwise the temptation to do this again would be too great, if you get away with it this time. I'm sure you feel like shit now, but that will wear off.

At the very least you might want to look much deeper at why you did this - perhaps counselling? I don't think just saying you won't do it again is enough.

Am I'm sorry but I feel very sorry for your husband. What you did was pretty terrible.

I know it's terrible. It's the shittiest thing I could ever have done to him.

If my dh started putting in more effort with me because he had cheated but want our marriage to work, then I later found out I would furious.

You can't make you marriage work when you are the one with all the info.

He has a right to know

It's the shittiest thing I could ever have done to him.

Shame you didn't think about that at the time.

You're not accepting full responsibility.

You're not doing anything constructive to address the issues in your marriage (another thing that would be getting said if a man was posting - you're rewriting your marital history to suit the fact you cheated)

At the VERY LEAST no sex with husband until sti tested and certain you're not pregnant. (Map?)

Personally I think you should tell him, not up to you to unilaterally decide this is 'OK'.