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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cheated

230 replies

SweetPeaPods · 19/11/2016 14:30

I cheated last night. I was away for a work conference. I really don't know how I feel about it. I can't tell dh it would break him.
We have been married nearly 7 years and I have never done anything like this. Never had a ONS in my life.
Part of me is flattered that this guy found me attractive when I feel fat and frumpy. We have 2 DC under 3. Things haven't been great between me and DH but I never thought of cheating or leaving him etc. I know that's not an excuse, but we hardly see each other and very little quality time together.
I keep going from thinking WTF have I done to thinking why don't I care more and why am I not more upset. I don't really know why I'm posting tbh. I know I've done wrong, please be gentle with me. I would be absolutely devastated if it was the other way round so feel like such a heartless cow

OP posts:
Original poster
SweetPeaPods · 20/11/2016 20:14

Lying I'm really not sure.
I initially posted because I didn't know how I felt. I still don't know
Yes I know I did wrong and I feel really bad, and yes I regret it but not as much as I thought I would and I think it's panicked me into thinking about my marriage. We've just had another argument and I really don't know what I want, or what's best for any of us.
We were meant to be moving house and signing the papers in the next couple of weeks. Everything I have done for the last 3 years has been for the kids, and maybe I don't actually have their best interests at heart.
I have no idea how we would proceed if we ever did separate, logistics wise.
I deserve all the negative and hurtful comments. I'm clearly a horrible person/wife/mother. But I feel very rabbit in the headlights. I have no idea what's normal and what's not. Well I know cheating isn't but I mean feelings wise. I am a 30 year old woman and feel completely and utterly lost and alone.

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 20/11/2016 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 20/11/2016 20:35

I deserve all the negative and hurtful comments. I'm clearly a horrible person/wife/mother.

There is no way you really believe that from a few posts on Mumsnet. It is simply what you post to get replies back telling you that no, you aren't terrible etc etc to make you feel better, along with yet another little drip feed aiming for sympathy while pretending you don't think you deserve it.

This pattern has gone on throughout all your posts. I don't understand it but you don't sound at all sincere.

You cheated. You don't want to tell your husband or end your marriage. You've already said you plan to forgive yourself and move on. So you have no dilemma here at all, do you?

LouisvilleLlama · 20/11/2016 20:44

To be fair I've been one of if not the biggest detractor of OP on this thread but I do think it's getting to a point she can't win, I still don't think what she did was right but there's seemingly lots of things going on behind the scenes and whilst it's not a free pass this isn't going to help anything picking at everything she says.

It's just my personal opinion but through people pointing out that it would be different if she was a man and vilifying her for her actions it seems an opportunity to try and help her work through issues in her marriage if you take her marriage problems and infidelity as two seperate things

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/11/2016 20:58

SweetPeaPods, no, having an affair doesn't make you a terrible mother or a horrible person but it does mean that you're living a life that isn't authentic - and you're currently taking your husband and children with you. That's not on.

You have to decide. Are you going to move house and put this sorry episode behind you? Making a life with your husband again and committing to the family life, which is in the best interests of your children - or are you going to seek 'diversions' again in the future?

I promise you, if you don't decide one way or the other, that decision will eventually be taken from you. Either your husband will find out about your infidelity (from you or someone else) or he will check out of your marriage because you've already mentally left it.

If I were in your position, I would take some time out to really think about the direction your future life is going to take and, once you've made that decision - commit to it. 100%, no going back because there is none.

Whatever you decide, do not contact the other man. He isn't going to talk about this to anybody else. He is not part of your decision-making process either.

I wish you well.

jeaux90 · 20/11/2016 21:06

Hey OP. Look listen to your friends they know you best. You don't sound like a serial cheater this sounds like a great big mistake and a one off. If it is then suck the guilt up, you'll get over it. If you are unhappy and you think it will happen again then tell him and let it be over xxx

CosyCoupe88 · 20/11/2016 21:13

If I were you I would get away From this thread. You have a very personal decision to make and you should give yourself a bit of time away from the heated comments on here and reflect on things and come to a decision that you feel is the best. You may want to talk to relate to help you work out what that decision is and also come to terms with how you feel about your marriage and the ons. You are probably still in so much shock at the moment you can't even think straight. It's ok to give yourself a bit of time.. for example even if you did tell him tonight and he forgave you... you need to know if you actually do even want to stay and work it out or if you're not willing to that or would just be doing it put of guilt.

You've a tough time ahead I am afraid op. Take care of yourself and don't beat yourself up too much as you can't change it now and mistakes happen. Just got to learn from them and find a way to move forward

CosyCoupe88 · 20/11/2016 21:16

Jeaux90 summed it up perfectly

Original poster
SweetPeaPods · 20/11/2016 21:31

I'm going to leave this thread now. Thanks everyone for replying.

I haven't been looking for sympathy.

OP posts:
lokivonpoki · 20/11/2016 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sallystyle · 20/11/2016 22:24

Always one Hmm

Learn the difference between your and you're please. It's hard to take your rant seriously.

lokivonpoki · 20/11/2016 22:36

Oh fuck off U2

I'm well aware of the difference between your and you're, I was typing quickly and it was missed, we are discussing a woman who went on a conference and fucked somebody who is not her DH and you're hung up on my grammar?? WOW

jeaux90 · 20/11/2016 22:53

Loki clearly has never made a mistake and feels justified in calling someone she doesn't know a cunt. Really? I am more wow about that than anything the OP has done. I bet you are a real diamond friend Loki.

lokivonpoki · 20/11/2016 23:00

I'm an honest friend jeaux and if any of my friends disclosed this to me I would say exactly the same thing- what she had done is disgusting and she is a walking cliche, she went on a work conference and had a man put his penis inside her vagina-the most intimate act! she kissed him and touched him-and him her- in a way that is reserved for the man/woman your profess to love and made your vows to.
She waved her husband and children goodbye and went and did this?? She is a disgrace and I'm disgusted that so many members of MN are saying "there,there it's not your fault"
It is her fucking fault-she made this choice.

jeaux90 · 20/11/2016 23:05

Yeah yeah I'm sure you would call your friends a cunt for this. Really brave thing to do from your device. You are entitled to your opinion but I think you did it in a despicable and cowardly way. Bravo!!

garlicandsapphire · 20/11/2016 23:06

My ex did that - thats how it started at least.... and the reason that ultimately I ended it. Afterwards broken by the loss he said 'I had the perfect life and Ithrew it away.' Be careful. A one off mistake can be forgiven but something bigger could wreck your marriage. You always have a choice.

lokivonpoki · 20/11/2016 23:10

Yeah yeah I'm sure you would call your friends a cunt for this-yes I would and also have

Really brave thing to do from your device-it's the only way I have to do it in this instance

You are entitled to your opinion but I think you did it in a despicable and cowardly way. Bravo!!- how was my opinion dispicable and cowardly?
The OP has asked for people's opinions by posting and I gave her mine

jeaux90 · 20/11/2016 23:14

No you didn't you called her a cunt. Sorry but that's revolting.

AddToBasket · 20/11/2016 23:15

Loki, you are being abusive. It isn't OK to treat any poster like that. The OP is vulnerable and looking for support, that's why she posted.

Is there some reason you are being SO aggressive?

lokivonpoki · 20/11/2016 23:23

If we flip the OP to a man, would you be questioning my turn of phrase??

If OP came on and was asking about her husband fucking someone whilst on s conference would you be questioning my turn of phrase??

AddToBasket · 20/11/2016 23:52

But why are you being crude and abusive? You could make your point calmly.

You seem to want to make the OP feel worse, when she's already said she feels bad. What's driving you? It doesn't seem to be genuine care for the OPs DC or DH. Abusing the OP is no help to them.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/11/2016 06:38

Well I've just reported you, loki, for your disgusting post. You should be ashamed.

NavyandWhite · 21/11/2016 07:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lokivonpoki · 21/11/2016 07:20

Ok then, I apologise for the name calling but stand by everything else i have said

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/11/2016 07:28

Well whoop-de-doo for you! Hmm

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