I cheated

[SweetPeaPods]

I cheated last night. I was away for a work conference. I really don't know how I feel about it. I can't tell dh it would break him.
We have been married nearly 7 years and I have never done anything like this. Never had a ONS in my life.
Part of me is flattered that this guy found me attractive when I feel fat and frumpy. We have 2 DC under 3. Things haven't been great between me and DH but I never thought of cheating or leaving him etc. I know that's not an excuse, but we hardly see each other and very little quality time together.
I keep going from thinking WTF have I done to thinking why don't I care more and why am I not more upset. I don't really know why I'm posting tbh. I know I've done wrong, please be gentle with me. I would be absolutely devastated if it was the other way round so feel like such a heartless cow

IF IF IF it is a one off. Then what happens on tour, stays on tour.

Reassess, reappraise & reinvent the relationship you want. You will always have to live with this, but if you REALLY want to, you can protect your partner & move positively forward for him

I've been in this situation in the past with an ex and had the same thought process that it would break his heart and wanting so bad to make things work, for me the guilt ate at me and ruined the relationship as it was always at the back of my mind, the lie was just always there, I would try to justify it to myself that it was just a mistake and what's the use in hurting him over it, but it didn't feel like a true relationship as it was based on a lie- im in a new relationship married with a baby now and o think if it happened to me I couldn't live with that guilt again, it was a selfish thing to do looking back when I did it but I justified it was the kinder thing to not to tell him becaus I didn't want to hurt him but really I was just being selfish and didn't want to lose him - think it may make u even more unhappy and u may be better off taking the risk and telling him and try and work on what's going wrong in your relationship, i don't think it's fixable without honesty but u do run that risk of him choosing not to forgive and move on but personally I think that's better than alternative of keeping it secret and living with that guilt which u may not feel now because it's not sunk in yet

Real mix bag of replies. Thank you to those that have been gentle with me.
I'm not being a coward not telling him. I am thinking of him and the kids.
Financially we would be screwed if he wanted to leave at the moment and I wouldn't want him staying with me just because he felt like he couldn't leave because of money. I really am thinking of the kids, why would I want to ruin everything they know. Yes I should have thought of that, I'm aware of that. This is going to take time what ever I decide to do. No I don't want a marriage based on a lie, but I never ever imagined I would be in this situation.
What ever confidence boost it did give me has now completely disappeared as I'm clearly just a desperate and gagging for it 30 year old

Are you getting tested?

at most replies.

I op was a man, you all would have went HAM on him.

I can't sleep. So much whirring around in my head. I'm not sure dh would leave me. Even if it would just eat at him every day. I know it should be his decision to make not mine.
Yes of course I'm getting tested but we did have a conversation after that he brought up about stis as he obviously doesn't want to pass anything on either.
The more I think about it maybe it is something he does regularly. May be did target me as an easy target or maybe I was just one of many he tried it on with. He was more forceful than I'm used to but at the end of the day I consented so I can't blame anyone but myself.

If he spoke about stis the day after then he's certainly done this before. I think it's a fair bet that most people in long term monogamous relationships wouldn't have that on their radar the morning after an out of the blue adultery.

We all make mistakes and life isn't black and white -as cliche as it sounds-a horrible situation to be in, I hope my last post didn't sound to preachy it was just my opinion based on my experience in being in that situation, only u can determine what u can live with, for me personally I'm an anxious person and I couldn't get past it and ended it because of that guilt but I didn't have a family to think of so appreciate very different more complex situation, nobody is going to condone cheating but if it is a definite one off and no way it will happen again and u can live with it then hope u can make it work

Just seen your last post, hope your ok, how do u mean more forceful?

Well you are being a coward, if your DH did something to put your marriage in jeopardy you'd probably want a say, saying it's for the kids is just hiding behind them because it wouldn't just be everything they know it's everything you know and you weren't thinking about that whilst cheating on him. Unfortunately for you it does appear that he may have tried it on with many or it been a regular occurance from what you say and that makes me feel some sympathy for you as it erodes the confidence you gained from it and IF IF IF it was a one time only thing it may have helped your marriage or something. Try and get some sleep OP late at night isn't the best time to be rational of thought and although it's whirling around it's probably best to try and get some sleep to make better judgements in the morning

I would come off Mumsnet now, it won't end well. Don't tell your husband. Forget it ever happened and try and work on your marriage.

If a bloke shagged a woman even if it was a ONS all you hypocrites would be crying leave the basturd. A cheat is a cheat, irregardless if it was a one off, do you not take your husbands feelings into consideration? You made a vow and you broke it, so what if you're "fat and frumpy" do something about it. Conference guy must've found you an easy target... all those implying she shouldn't tell her husband, are you all feminist with demented views? OP don't be coward.. poor bloke.

Bollocks to everyone saying 'if it were a man etc'. You do not speak for me, nor know me. I certainly wouldn't give different advice.

No, don't tell him. People make mistakes. It's easy to judge, but anyone can make a mistake, even a big mistake, if the right circumstances prevail. This is not a long drawn out affair involving calculated deceit, but a stupid error on one occasion, which OP says will never happen again. She already feels wretched without us piling on the guilt.

The important thing is to learn from it and then put it behind you and concentrate on your marriage and DCs. Forgive yourself and move on.

The thing is, if the OP could 100% guarantee that it wouldn't happen again, I'd agree that she shouldn't tell her dh and should work on whatever needs to be. I'm honestly not sure I personally would want to know if my dh did this and it was truly a ONS that would never be repeated.

But the issue with keeping quiet is that you've got away with it this time. So once the guilt wears off and you possibly are feeling the same way you did before, it's going to be rather easy to fall into the same behaviour.

That's why, if you're not telling him, you really do need to do something to work on why this happened. Just saying it won't again isn't enough, you surely must realise that? If this behaviour is totally out of the blue, I think you need to explore that.

I said earlier that I think you did a terrible thing. I still do but that doesn't mean you're a terrible person - though I would be erring more towards that point of view if you really do just sweep this under the carpet and assume it's under control.

Thanks Saint
I was blatantly used for sex. It was what he wanted and what he got. He left straight after. Well after a brief chat but he didn't stop the night.

Well so what? The point is whether the OP should tell her DH. What you or I would personally do if we knew our partners had cheated is totally irrelevant.

I think you'll find I have already replied to the OP. I was replying to another poster if that's ok by you? . I believe this is what a public forum is for?

Thanks for the tremendous amount of validation I can happily have a ONS - on the proviso I only do it once.

OP - you are wearing rose-tinted glasses, wanting best of both worlds. With best intentions, you cannot guarantee this won't happen again. After all, you didn't intend to wind up in bed with someone this time. I'm sorry but you're thinking of yourself, it's breathtakingly selfish.

I'm really pissed off now. I now feel like one of many notches on his conference bed post. He made a bid deal about not wanting anyone to find out and discussing the sti's.
He said he had only cheated on his girlfriend once. I feel such an idiot.

Ok last post makes me sound really selfish. I am thinking of my dh too. Just making it clear it's definitely a ONS not an affair. I'm really not wearing rose tinted glasses. I'm aware what I did was wrong and I have to live with that.

Why are you bothered about how he treated you? You don't know anything about his morals.

I'm sorry but I really think you're trying to shift blame now. You say he used you for sex. Well, what did you want him for?! If it was a ONS that will never be repeated I assume you didn't go into it looking for an affair. Surely you both got what, at that moment, you were looking for?

And if you were a notch on his bedpost, does it matter? This is what people who have sex outside of their relationships do!

Ah so it's OK for you to do it because you felt flattered and actually it's his all his fault. He was 'forceful'? Really? No he wasn't, he came on to you. You could have said no.

So far you aren't telling dh so you don't hurt him and the kids and now it's not really your fault.

Typical cheating behaviour. Minimise it, talk about the damage to partner and kids if they found out, shift balme to the other person and hinting that you had no choice. That would be rape or at least sexual assault.

How many men say ' she came on to me, I couldn't help myself' and get laughed at?

You aren't telling them because you don't want them to know what you did. You won't tell him for selfish reasons.

This bloke probably shagged you because he does it at every conference. You shagged him because it was good for your ego. You used each other.

Look OP everyone makes mistakes. You aren't a bad person. You fucked up. But how you deal with this is really important. If it ever comes out your dh is likely to be hurt that it happened and that you kept it to yourself everyday since.

I'm not trying to shift blame. I'm just realising what I thought was flattering at the time actually probably wasn't.