I cheated

[SweetPeaPods]

I cheated last night. I was away for a work conference. I really don't know how I feel about it. I can't tell dh it would break him.
We have been married nearly 7 years and I have never done anything like this. Never had a ONS in my life.
Part of me is flattered that this guy found me attractive when I feel fat and frumpy. We have 2 DC under 3. Things haven't been great between me and DH but I never thought of cheating or leaving him etc. I know that's not an excuse, but we hardly see each other and very little quality time together.
I keep going from thinking WTF have I done to thinking why don't I care more and why am I not more upset. I don't really know why I'm posting tbh. I know I've done wrong, please be gentle with me. I would be absolutely devastated if it was the other way round so feel like such a heartless cow

Why is rape being thrown into the mix?

I would definitely say the same thing to a man who has had a ONS. Sometimes these things do just happen. I've been to lots of conferences and it is like we're all in a little bubble and I've seen the most unlikely people end up in bed with each other. Then the conference is over and it's all forgotten.

It is very naive to think that people can go through life being perfectly behaved all the time.

Can I just be clear it wasn't rape. He might have taken advantage or been more forceful than I would have liked but i am not making excuses for what I did. I did it end of.

Why don't you consider individual counselling for yourself?

Do you love your husband?

Do you want a better marriage? It doesn't make sense to enter MC before you navigate your own feelings and individualcounselling can help.

Once you tell him, you can't untell him. The feelings of men cheated on differ from women. It hurts for everyone, but one thing is for sure .... your marriage will be tainted forever by this ONS. Only difference is that both of you will know if you tell him.

Do I contact him to chat about what happened? Make sure he's not going to tell anyone?

I'd leave well alone to be honest. Even if you did contact him to check he wouldn't tell anyone, that doesn't mean he'll adhere to it. And it will massively muddy the waters to have further communication.

Fwiw, I agree with what Iminshock said.

OP, you must be feeling pretty rubbish and I can't imagine that will stop anytime soon. Be kind to yourself.

The op said
" I asked him to stop several times after we kissed."

He already said he didn't want anyone to know. So just leave it be..... and if I was you I'd not go to the next conference.

Please don't contact the ONS. Plenty of very disastrous situations have started out by refusing to accept the first mistake - and then going on to create a load more.

You cheated. But the contact would be more cheating, more intimacy, more to hide, etc. ONS has rejected you or at least not stuck around to make you feel valued. Don't make the classic mistake of running after him in an attempt to justify the original shag and somehow redeem your feelings. You must stay away.

Agree with iminshock, say nothing. You obviously feel terrible. Try and put it behind you.

I mentioned rape because the op is starting to use language like 'I asked him to stop' and 'he was forceful'.

The OP has gone from having a ons to feeling used (even though she was fully aware it was going to be a ons not a relationship) to using language that hints she didn't want to do this.

When that's not the truth.

Contact him? Why? He said he didn't want anyone to know. Why go back over that?

It's clear you haven't regretted this and just want to forget it.

Agree it concerning you want to contact him

This man is a real danger to your marriage. Why would you want to speak to him?

I assume that no one saw you together? If not, then never acknowledge this happened. Block his number and his email. If he ever mentions it, stare at him and say you don't know what he's talking about.

If he ever mentions it, stare at him and say you don't know what he's talking about.

That isn't exactly taking responsibility for your own actions is it.

Do NOT contact the other man.

Regarding marriage counselling if money is tight relate will still see you, they don't always charge and take your finances into account.

Aside from the emotional mess how are you going to explain to your husband avoiding sex until you get your sti/pregnancy test results? Surely that's going to make him suspicious anyway?

I doubt he will notice tbh. We're lucky if it happens monthly anyway, pretty non existent there.

I think you tell your lifetime partner, he who you have promised to be honest to and share your life with.
I fucked someone else, and decided best to keep it secret, but less than 24 hours later the guilt ate me away and I knew he deserved the truth.
If you want a life with your husband, an authentic, true. Honest, healthy life, you must tell him.
Be prepared that you will have to let him see your phone, know where you are etc until trust is built back up. Because you did this, you broke the trust.
I'm a long time past my ons, I've done everything he needed to try and trust me again. If he stays with you after this it's your job to prove you are trustworthy.

So because you don't want to be a single mum you think it's ok to cheat on him and not tell him the truth?

The only person you are protecting is you, trying to make it about him and others is just a way of you making peace with what you did and not feel bad about it.

He and the children deserve better.

To me, it sounds like you're only staying due to money and the children.
The way you're describing your husband, it doesn't sound like there is much love there. Sounds more like its a safety net.
You must know the relationship is dead in the water, you slept with another man.

At the moment you're seeing all the reasons why YOU can't walk away, but what reasons have YOU got too stay.
Take the children out of the equation.
( staying in marriages just for the sake of children is far more damaging then separating )

^If he ever mentions it, stare at him and say you don't know what he's talking about.

That isn't exactly taking responsibility for your own actions is it.^

"He" as in the other man. Why would you want to have a verbal rematch over a cup of coffee?

I'm not sure that MN is full of double-standards actually? It really depends who is posting on the thread at the time because the same posters mostly say the same things, regardless.

If it were a man posting I would still say the same - if it was a one-off then look at why it's happened and don't tell. Obviously if it's a repeated behaviour then the person cheating isn't filled with guilt and their marriage is over anyway, man or woman.

OP. What do you want to do?