Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cheated

230 replies

SweetPeaPods · 19/11/2016 14:30

I cheated last night. I was away for a work conference. I really don't know how I feel about it. I can't tell dh it would break him.
We have been married nearly 7 years and I have never done anything like this. Never had a ONS in my life.
Part of me is flattered that this guy found me attractive when I feel fat and frumpy. We have 2 DC under 3. Things haven't been great between me and DH but I never thought of cheating or leaving him etc. I know that's not an excuse, but we hardly see each other and very little quality time together.
I keep going from thinking WTF have I done to thinking why don't I care more and why am I not more upset. I don't really know why I'm posting tbh. I know I've done wrong, please be gentle with me. I would be absolutely devastated if it was the other way round so feel like such a heartless cow

OP posts:
Unicornsandrainbows3 · 19/11/2016 19:30

You have to tell him or he's living a lie. At least respect him enough to give him that choice.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/11/2016 19:32

Don't do anything yet. Stop and think

Things are often very black and white in mumsnet. It's not like that in real life

This doesn't just affect you and your DH but your DCs. There's no "good" decision here - just the least bad one on the basis that your DC probably don't want their family broken up unless both parents actively want that to happen

Do you think you want to leave your DH/for him to leave you? If so, do tell him.

Do you think your DH would leave you if he knew? If not, don't tell him. But on the strict understanding that you must never do this again.
This is not a "good" decision as it involves lying to your DH but the net result may give the optimum outcome for your DCs whose wellbeing should actually be the priority.

I am not condoning what you have done BTW - I think it was sordid and shitty. I have 3 DCs aged 3 and under so can identify with how you feel but this was not the way to fix it. Stop looking for external fixes for internal issues.

LouisvilleLlama · 19/11/2016 19:32

Very convenient to just forgive yourself... and it's good you don't plan on cheating on him at any other conferences you go to... oh wait you weren't meant to at this one and still did, so either you planned on cheating, or you can't be certain you won't again as you already have and got away with it so you'll start to rationalise it as not so as etc

TFPsa · 19/11/2016 19:33

I was a little sad to read OP say she felt flattered by attention. A womaniser always targets willingness first, always, I see it time and again with colleagues. If he chose OP it was because she seemed the most receptive/drunk/desperate/whatever in the room, nothing more.

But anyway if this is a genuine one off I'd leave it at that. Probably no real harm done, nothing too serious.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 19/11/2016 19:33

You need to tell your DH. You have said that you should care more and be more upset which suggests you will do this again!

I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but I think you have also shown a lack of respect for your kids here too

Scooby20 · 19/11/2016 19:35

There's no "good" decision here - just the least bad one on the basis that your DC probably don't want their family broken up unless both parents actively want that to happen

She cheated. If that's deal breaker for her dh he should have the right to make that decision. Splits happen when one person wants to split, both don't have to be in board.

Op made her choice. The dh should get to make his. If the OP was so worried about how the kids would take it, she should have had sex with someone else.

pinkieandperkie · 19/11/2016 19:35

You have to tell him. Even if you decide not to tell him I believe the truth always comes out in the end. Sorry.

Scooby20 · 19/11/2016 19:36

shouldn't have has sex with someone else.

loobyloo1234 · 19/11/2016 19:36

Your husband should LTB

LouisvilleLlama · 19/11/2016 19:36

I get people saying by telling him you're only alleviating your own guilt, but it's wrong because IMO your just scared of upending your life knowing there's a big chance your partner will leave you

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 19/11/2016 19:39

I'm sorry but you sound breathtakingly selfish. You're not going to tell him because you'd like your marriage to work? Maybe your husband would like a spouse who he can trust. That's his decision to make, not yours, you have to come clean and face the repercussions. It's called being a responsible adult.

How would you feel if you read this and it was your husband writing it? I was flattered, I don't really care, I'm probably not going to say anything... would you want to be with him still?

LouisvilleLlama · 19/11/2016 19:40

I was a little sad to read OP say she felt flattered by attention. A womaniser always targets willingness first, always, I see it time and again with colleagues. If he chose OP it was because she seemed the most receptive/drunk/desperate/whatever in the room, nothing more.

Yeah it's his fault that he found a willing participant to have sex with him.., even if she was the 100th in the room he approached she decided not to reject him and cheat on her DH

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/11/2016 19:43

Maybe your husband would like a spouse who he can trust.

At the moment he can trust the OP - only she knows what has happened.

MrHannahSnell · 19/11/2016 19:43

I cannot see what anyone would gain by you telling your DH. Keep your mouth shut and let sleeping dogs lie.

billyzanescal · 19/11/2016 19:43

Can we not put our heads together and find a way to blame the husband?? Or perhaps the kids even?

MrHannahSnell · 19/11/2016 19:47

billy or the MIL?

LouisvilleLlama · 19/11/2016 19:47

At the moment he can trust the OP - only she knows what has happened.

Sure in a sense, but a rapist/ murderer/ thief are still such eben if they aren't caught. If anything her not telling him is just proving he can't trust her even more

birdybirdywoofwoof · 19/11/2016 19:49

Unless posters know details of others posting history then how on earth can they say 'double standards'. Different people have different opinions.

billyzanescal · 19/11/2016 19:51

Well quite MrHannah. PostTruth I think they call it now. Surround yourself with those who agree with you and everything will be fine. Fuck the facts. ;)

It's the Mumsnet way.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/11/2016 19:55

I'm sure that with help from the faithful the OP will be able to find a way to justify her behaviour and blame it on someone else.

TFPsa · 19/11/2016 19:58

@LouisvilleLlama - of course OP is culpable, that's not what I was saying. Just that I found it slightly sad that she was flattered by attention.

Scooby20 · 19/11/2016 20:08

You were saying how she was a target of a womaniser. How do you know that?

And so what if she was? She still did have to sleep with him

Dadaist · 19/11/2016 20:09

You don't feel bad because you've taken yourself last night to an imaginary place away from home, where you were single. And it allowed you to feel attractive and desirable, and you tried to forget your ties, responsibilities and commitments. I'm sorry to hear that things haven't been great between you and your DH. But what you have done has colossal implications. You are possibly still basking in the warmth of having another guy hit on you, and justifying (even exaggerating) your dissatisfaction with DH.
But this secret won't disappear.
Personally, if I were your DH, I'd cut you clean out of my life. And every day you don't tell him is a day you steal from his better life without you.
Come clean, deal with the consequences, and try to find out a little more about why and how you could have cuckholded your husband.

NavyandWhite · 19/11/2016 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scooby20 · 19/11/2016 20:19

Navy, I am betting the op is now of the mindset that she wouldn't want to know.

Wonder if her dh is aware jmthe odd ONS is ok

Swipe left for the next trending thread