I cheated

[SweetPeaPods]

I cheated last night. I was away for a work conference. I really don't know how I feel about it. I can't tell dh it would break him.
We have been married nearly 7 years and I have never done anything like this. Never had a ONS in my life.
Part of me is flattered that this guy found me attractive when I feel fat and frumpy. We have 2 DC under 3. Things haven't been great between me and DH but I never thought of cheating or leaving him etc. I know that's not an excuse, but we hardly see each other and very little quality time together.
I keep going from thinking WTF have I done to thinking why don't I care more and why am I not more upset. I don't really know why I'm posting tbh. I know I've done wrong, please be gentle with me. I would be absolutely devastated if it was the other way round so feel like such a heartless cow

And every day you don't tell him is a day you steal from his better life without you.

FGS - talk about an dram projection

I do not condone cheating at all - in fact, I don't think I would stay with DH if I knew he had cheated. However, as a matter of fact, not every couple where one party cheats ends up splitting up.

OP - you know your DH best. Have you ever had any hypothetical conversations about this?

Things are often very black and white in mumsnet. It's not like that in real life

It's like that in my real life. If DH ever cheated he'd be out with his bags behind him. There is no way I would ever forgive someone cheating on me.

That was a horrible thing to do. You should feel terrible.

It's like that in my real life. If DH ever cheated he'd be out with his bags behind him. There is no way I would ever forgive someone cheating on me

Well so what? The point is whether the OP should tell her DH. What you or I would personally do if we knew our partners had cheated is totally irrelevant.

Ahhh I could so imagine roles reversed here and the replies.
Men comes on here claiming he had a ONS at a conference, he's been feeling down about the relationship it isn't what it was etc etc.
He would be slaughtered! Too keep it secret is shameful, you don't get too make that call. It's his choice whether he wants to stay with you!
Poor guy.

It is black and white IRL.
2 things I wont forgive or forget in my relationship

1. violence
2. cheating. For me, if you do it once and are forgiven you will do it again

I can't tell dh it would break him.

Please don't mask your cowardice like this, or by pretending that you won't tell for your children's sake. It's really cheap and nasty. You won't tell your husband because you don't want people to know you've done this, and you don't feel more remorse because you aren't facing up to just how horribly you've behaved.

All you are doing here is paying lip service to feeling bad, in the hope that someone will justify you and tell you to forgive yourself (and I noticed you replied that you 'would do that' ONE DAY after sleeping with another man!).

Your poor husband. If mine ever wrote about treating me like this, I would never get over it.

I hope at least you're going to get STD tested before you have sex with your husband again. So fucking selfish

I've always wondered those vile enough to cheat but be stupid enough not to protect themselves and unknowingly get an std and give it to their partner, do they admit they've cheated, or accuse their spouses? I'm sure there's been a few

It's really not fair to potentially ruin my children's future for one stupid mistake

It's really not fair on your DH that you had a ONS and have decided to not tell him.

If he had 'one stupid mistake' how would you feel?

You're getting a rough time on here. To err is human. You seem like you are in a difficult place at the moment- kids and life pressures. That doesn't excuse what you did but it makes it a bit more understandable. Add wine, a party atmosphere and a flattering tongue and it is not hard to see how it could happen. It is easy to say you wouldn't when your relationship is in a good place.

What you need to decide is if you want to punish yourself and your husband, or just yourself. People are telling as punishment for the erring partner. But actually, having the secret out can be a relief and then the one who's world is destroyed is the spouse. You did something stupid and wrong once. Are you planning to do it again? Have you learned your lesson? Do your children and your husband need to suffer for your mistake to fulfill the inate desire of society to punish sexual transgression? Probably not.
You will feel guilty for ages. It will be difficult to deal with. But the disgust and revulsion are there to remind you not to make the same stupid mistake again.

Louisville not just blaming them for sti's look at the stats on how many men are unwittingly raising children not biologically theirs!

But actually, having the secret out can be a relief and then the one who's world is destroyed is the spouse You did something stupid and wrong once. Are you planning to do it again? Have you learned your lesson?

Well presumably she didn't mean to this time, but she did, and people say it's the spouse that's world is destroyed but that's wrong, most don't say something because as she's basically admitted she wants her marriage, it's looking after her own interests, having her cake and eating it. If the DH decided he wanted a divorce it's not like he's gonna be crying and she'll be happy, she wants that security and comfort that marriage brings, not just to save her DH feelings

Cosmiccreepers203

The OP doesn't seem to be feeling guilty, she seems worried that telling will affect her life style.

but by not forgiving someone the relationship is dead and can't move on anyway

You should tell him. You are taking away his choices by not telling him. There comes a point where you are not only a cheat but a liar too if you don't. Dressing it up as a kindness to him if you don't tell him is pretty vile tbh.

Because the cheating is always there, usually being used as a tool against the person who committed the cheating. Probably pushing either person into cheating. I personally don't think any relationship can truly move on from cheating though

Sometimes shit just happens even though you don't mean it to. Forget it, don't mention it and get on with your life. It'll be fine. It's really not a big deal and not worth breaking up,your family for

I have always been on the side of 'I would want to know'

However, after 11 years if DH had a ONS, felt bad and knew he wouldn't do it again I am not sure I would really want to know.

I know I couldn't forgive him or trust again, it would break me. Do I want my marriage, my children's lives to be turned upside down for one ONS? I am not so sure I would. All that hurt, the children lives drastically changed for a ONS? Is it worth all that?

OP. I would also say nothing. Work on your marriage, make sure it never happens again.

I would say the same if the OP was a man.

It's really not a big deal

Wow so cheating is no big deal now is it?

In that case no harm in telling her DH is there?

Pretty sure he will see it as a very big deal.

When is the next shag conference?