DH smacked DD and has left

[Crumb502]

Family life has been tough for the last few months and it has all come to a head tonight...

To cut a long story short, DH has been depressed/stressed for some time and has been very moody with me and the children. We are all walking on eggshells around him and each other - he is unable to cope with conflict in any way.

DD (6) has always been 'spirited' but recently she has been having huge tantrums which, if he is around, he needs to leave the house for as he can't cope.

DS (10) has also had a behaviour change recently and has become aggressive / shouty with me and his DS.

Tonight DD started with a tantrum which, despite me trying to resolve, ended up with DH demanding I leave him to 'sort it out'. Minutes later I hear him smack her (door was closed and I heard the crack), so I ran upstairs and shouted at him "what are you doing"? She was screaming and then DS came in, shouted at his Dad and then shoved him, shouting "Don't hit my sister".

DH looked shocked, took his wedding ring off, said "that's it" and has left.

I don't know what to do, children are still very upset saying they have lost their Daddy and I'm trying to hold everyone together...

I'm lost.... what should I do??

Anyway what I'm trying to say is, what would make the children happiest? Him leaving or him getting help to make him happy again.

I disagree with this - it's not what makes the children happiest (in the short term) that matters, but what makes them safest. He's proven that he's not above violently lashing out, and the fact he told the op to leave the room is a massive cause for concern - especially with his subsequent lack of remorse, and behaviour that suggests he thinks it's everyone else's job to cater to his moods.

I'd call the police, because if your daughter ends up mentioning the incident at school, you might end up in a tricky situation where your parenting is called into question.

I love my dad to bits, but I've always been a bit resentful that he didn't protect us more from my mother's mental health and drink problems. She was just very emotionally abusive, not violent though, and it was horrible coming home from school not knowing if my mother would be there, or the monster she.would often become.

I still love my mother, but I don't like her very much. Now that I'm older, I try to remember that she's I'll, and has been for most of my life, but it doesn't do much to reduce the sting of a good chunk of my childhood.

Thanks everyone for asking how we are... kids slept like logs last night (unlike me!) and were okay this morning.

They asked where their Dad was and I just said he'd stayed with his Mum (he didn't, I guess he stayed in his car).

I told both of their teachers and I will contact the family support workers next week to get support for the 3 of us.

He has text me today to simply say I am not to contact him unless it's to do with the kids.

For those asking, he has been diagnosed as depressed and is taking medication for it. He is has also enquired about a mental health residential programme available through his work.

He has been depressed for over a year and to be honest we have all suffered - it's difficult to be around that constantly and to have to hold any feelings or negative opinions inside as they will lead to conflict. The kids have struggled because he expected them to jump to it the moment he told them to do something, and kids don't do that do they?

I'm assuming he will come by at some point next week to collect his things.

Appreciate the advice and comments from you all

I'm so sorry it's come to this Crumbs

How are you feeling?

Good of him to confirm what a gigantic arsehole he is. Thinking of the three of you. Telling that the DCs slept well. Be gentle with yourself at the moment. It can be very upsetting when someone tries to blame you for their own abusive behaviour.

Is he giving money still to your family do yo know? To be honest I'd be inclined to say he needs to sort himself with specialists ... the kids are safe with you, you'll need to step up and he'll need to pay for his family too
I really hope you're ok - it must be such a huge bag oif shit that a year ago he was oknand now it's brought your family to this - but it's ok, you can be strong, take help from others and you call the shots, fairly but he still has responsibilities - see what help yo can get from the government for this situation too - good luck

All the pp's saying one smack does not make you an abuser. How many smacks does it take? 2? 3?. 10? 20?.

Imagine you being smacked so hard by your partner, as he was in a mood. Imagine he is 2ft taller and much older than you. Scary isn't it.

Imagine how shit scared a small child would be, being smacked so hard by someone they can supposedly rely on most in the world.

It is abuse. Abuse of power, abuse of position.

I find some responses on this thread shocking. Let's reverse. A mother has postnatal depression, can't copes and snaps and hits her child once. Would you all be suggesting to chuck a mentally ill woman's clothes out in the rain, kick her to the curb, ban her from her family because she can't hide her illness from them. No. Bloody shocking and disgusting suggestions. This man is ill. Now I never have condoned violence against children, mine have never even had a tap to the hand. However breaking up an entire family over one mistake is going to damage the children too. So any PP quick to say kick him out and go on holiday etc I think your disgusting. That's a damaging thing to do and very confusing for children who still love their dad. Think before you bloody speak as your trying to encourage this lady to escalate a situation which won't help her DH or her worried children.

He chose to leave

I hope you are ok today OP

But it's not a one-off is it? The physical abuse might be but the emotional abuse has been going on for some time. The refusal to get help compounds the situation. As a social worker I would be looking at the non-abusive parent to take steps to protect the children regardless of their sex.

If a mother was so disturbed by her PND that she hit her 6yo hard enough to leave a mark and to be heard on the other side of the house, damn straight we'd be suggesting the family would be safer elsewhere.

It might be phrased more gently to increase the likelihood of its being accepted, but a line would have been crossed.

... would be safer if she were elsewhere.

You're a trooper OP.

The children have a right to be and feel safe
Just as my dc have had periods not seeing their dad when he was very ill mh wise. It was scary for them and unsafe.

Same it it is a mother with pnd if she is hitting harming her dc then contact needs to be supervised while treatment is given

Op access any support on offer.

His text makes it sound like he's making it out to be your fault for the way he's feeling somehow, OP. I'm glad he's out of the house. I'd get his things packed up and ready for him so he's not around for very long when he comes to collect them. You don't need that right now.

Stay strong. I'm glad you've reached out to the school, etc. THey should be able to provide some counselling help for the kids if they need it.

On threads like this one, I always think about the posters and lurkers who are actually depressed and suffering, who do everything in their means to protect family from their problems and who seek appropriate help and support and who are not abusive. Then they come on threads like this and read 'but he's ill'. It's quite insulting to those people.

You need to make sure what has happened is at least documented somewhere, with GP , SS or police...Somewhere very official.. Whatever is going on with him if it is MH you need to know he is safe to have the children in the future..Believe me if it ever ends up in court CAFCASS don't listen to this is what happened they want it documented and evidence.

This is about future protection for your children...

You know if this had been a woman he hit, everyone's responses on here would have been to call the police. I can't see why this is any different.

Remember, depression may be the reason but never an excuse.

You know if this had been a woman he hit, everyone's responses on here would have been to call the police. I can't see why this is any different

In total agreement with you here

this thread has made me reflect on the issue of smacking. I haven't smacked my 3 children, but my mum, who is a lovely caring mother would occasionally smack the top of my leg and leave hand prints when I was naughty. My dad said it upset him to see the hand prints, however i probably deserved the smacks. (i was hard work, my mum gave up being a teacher when I was 14 so she could be around to help me with my issues). My sister was protective of me and used to lock me in her room when mum chased me up the stairs to smack me to keep a barrier between us.

I think in the ops case however it is different, it was almost a planned attack by the dad, he sent op away, shut himself in a room with their DD and smacked her so hard it was heard from behind a closed door.

I feel for you OP as this isnt easy on any of you x

No child deserves to be slapped so hard it leaves a handprint on the skin. Have some people forgotten that children are very small, and very powerless, and a blow that might not seem like a big deal to a grown adult can be very painful and very frightening to a little child?

We have long expected teachers to discipline children without hitting them.

crumb hope you are ok
you sound strong.
I am sitting here crying. There has been no smacking, but your DH reminds me so much of mine .
PM if you want to talk

""Anyway what I'm trying to say is, what would make the children happiest? Him leaving or him getting help to make him happy again?"

I disagree with this - it's not what makes the children happiest (in the short term) that matters, but what makes them safest".

And - what makes them happiest in the long term.

Of course children miss their dad. Of course they are upset that he's gone. Of course they want him back. Of course they are temporarily unhappy that he's not there.

But none of that is solved by welcoming back a man who is incapable of putting their welfare above his; who feels entitled to physically attack them when he decides their behaviour is too difficult for him to respond in a more adult fashion.

We don't decide on a course of action because it is easier and makes our kids happier in the short term; we decide on it because it is better for them in the long term. And yes, that may mean that long term too, the children are not as happy as they would be with a functional happy family with happy functional Daddy living there in the house with them; but mostly, the functional happy family with happy functional Daddy isn't the alternative, the dysfunctional unhappy one is and that is worse than the option of Daddy not being there.

And still the minimising goes on. How many women with PND assault their children? This man perpetrated a criminal assault on his daughter. I agree with Kittybiscuits, this defence of violence by a grown man, with hair and muscles and bulk, against a tiny six year old child, on the grounds that he has mental health problems, is a massive insult to all those people with MH issues who don't attack their kids.

Are those people making excuses for this, reading the bits where it's clear this threat of violence and consequent eggshell walking, has been going on for a year? And have you read the later posts where he has come back without an ounce of remorse in him?

Why are you making excuses for him? He is a classic abuser and you know what abusers with MH issues do? They use their MH issues as the excuse for their abuse. Prisons are full of abusive men with MH issues. And our homes and workplaces are full of men and women with MH issues, who don't abuse the people they live with because they are not abusers, with or without MH issues.

OP well done on being strong and focused. You and your children don't need this shit. You are doing the best thing for them.