DH smacked DD and has left

[Crumb502]

Family life has been tough for the last few months and it has all come to a head tonight...

To cut a long story short, DH has been depressed/stressed for some time and has been very moody with me and the children. We are all walking on eggshells around him and each other - he is unable to cope with conflict in any way.

DD (6) has always been 'spirited' but recently she has been having huge tantrums which, if he is around, he needs to leave the house for as he can't cope.

DS (10) has also had a behaviour change recently and has become aggressive / shouty with me and his DS.

Tonight DD started with a tantrum which, despite me trying to resolve, ended up with DH demanding I leave him to 'sort it out'. Minutes later I hear him smack her (door was closed and I heard the crack), so I ran upstairs and shouted at him "what are you doing"? She was screaming and then DS came in, shouted at his Dad and then shoved him, shouting "Don't hit my sister".

DH looked shocked, took his wedding ring off, said "that's it" and has left.

I don't know what to do, children are still very upset saying they have lost their Daddy and I'm trying to hold everyone together...

I'm lost.... what should I do??

Depends on whether it was a smack or something more.
I was smacked as a youngster, it was the only thing that I really took notice of. pumpkin I knew then I'd better stop. It's never caused me any difficulties in later life.

Oh dear.

Hugs, OP.

I'm not sure you can write him off if he gave her bottom a smack. It is perfectly legal to give a child a smack as long as above no bruising etc.

Maybe he is stressed he may need some time away from the children.

I think it is wrong to demonise him for one smack.

Cool - OPs (d)h took this child only 6 into a room to "sort it out" and physically hurt her leaving a mark.

This is abuse.

Yes that would be it for me too. As PPs have said your DCs behaviour is a sign of how much he is unsettling them and because he can't handle the tantrums etc it's become a vicious cycle.

The smack would be unforgivable for me. I wouldn't be able trust him anymore.

Walking on eggshells all the time is no way to live. The children will no doubt say they won't want him to leave but young children are always adverse to change even if it's for the best. They will be happier not having to tip toe around him and being fearful in case he loses his temper again.

I'd take a pic of the smack so you've got it if you want/need to escalate this to the authorities.

CoolCarrie - you can be a brilliant parent without hitting your children

I'm sorry it's come to this Crumb. This isn't your fault and it isn't your children's either.

If he'd been contrite then maybe he could have a future with his family but coming back and grabbing his stuff and stomping off again? Fuck off to the far side of fuck frankly.

You've had mostly great suggestions on this thread (barring a few people minimizing the violence who should be ashamed of themselves) and it sounds like you've come to the same conclusion, OP. It's a horrible situation to be in. But I think others are right when they say that your children's behaviour will improve once their father is no longer around winding them up and making them stressed and anxious. And I would call 101 and report - because you may need this as ammunition in court if you split (which I hope you will - your phrase "we're done" I think says it all) and your husband tries for 50-50 custody.

Your dh needs to stay away
Get help for his stress /depression

Daytime contact eg in park on weekend if dc want to see him ie in public

So he is able to cope with work ?

Didn't want to read and run. Stress is horrible and can make people act out of character but his behaviour is unacceptable and the fact he didn't apologise when he popped back says a lot. Please make sure your kids know this is not their fault. They will be blaming the so es and that can do a lot of damage too. Try and get some sleep

swoonmacaroon, OP has said "he left a handprint on her bottom". That's not legal or reasonable. And poor, poor diddums darling being stressed - well, he's got some time away from the children now, hasn't he?

Crumb- yes, I think you are done.

Husband has left his wedding ring. For him, it's about his perception of your relationship (skewed by his depression?) , not about hitting your daughter.
I have survived a similar ghastly situation. Initially you just have to get through the days on a minute by minute basis. Love your children and don't expect much else of yourself. He needs to stay away until he has had some help to sort himself out.

Your ds needs to be praised for being so brave and trying to protect his sister.

Probably a hopeless plea but - can we please tone down the smacking debate and focus on the fact that OP is in a really shit situation and probably wants some support?

She'll be the best judge of the situation since she's the one actually living with it.

If folk want to debate whether one smack equals abuse [generally] or the details of circumstance/strength/bruising etc it's probably best taken to another thread TBH.

Let's try and be constructive and see the situation as a whole rather than focusing in on one aspect. And support OP... as this is a support forum, not AIBU.

(Unfortunately this is in trending so is gaining a larger audience than usual).

Carrie, did you hit so hard you left a handprint? Did you gve a controlled tap after a warning or just lose control and lash out in anger? Did you specifically tell the other parent to leave so you could slap your child hard enough to leave an imprint and make a sound that could be heard across the house?

In this case, the kids are clearly acting up because they can't handle the stress of being responsible for their father's moods. You know, because they're small children and it's not their job. Slapping them witless and then storming out on them because they can't act as your private psychiatrist is fucking abusive and your blather about "pandering" in this instance is dangerous.

Can you take leave from your job OP, give you one thing less to worry about.

Or sick leave if your GP will sign for it.

Your DS's shove was in defence of his sister. He was a brave boy. I would be really proud of him.

Your partner on the other hand...

I think some childrens tantrums are hard. It's a battle of wills. Some children are much more difficult than others to manage. It can grind you down and if he has no give left then you can snap.

Sending you love and well done being brave!

You need to protect your children, they are your priority as they are your dependants.

Talk to your children tomorrow, ask them how your father has affected them recently, ask them how they feel. Decide from this where you want to go from here.

Regardless of the smacking, the fact you all feel like you're treading on eggshells does not make it sound like a happy relationship (your marriage or father/children)

I thank you all, and hugely appreciate all the comments and support, I really do.

I have considered posting here previously as I have been unhappy for some time.

Hitting DD is very out of character for DH, he is sick; however, our DC happiness and wellbeing is suffering. I feel like we are depressed because he is depressed - I'm usually a happy and positive person but that has all gone.

I do have family nearby to support me, but my Dad isn't well and I haven't spoken to them about what is going on at home. I feel very alone and very sad... but I'm hoping things will get better.

You have all made me feel like I'm not alone, so to everyone who has taken the time to comment.

You poor thing
He needs help if this is out of character. Tell him to sort himself out with his doctor and counselling ... then you can work on his relationship with you and the children, whatever that may be
Good luck

The thing is based on what you wrote it doesn't sound as if he momentarily snapped and then felt instant remorse He made (that alone suggests an imbalance in your relationship) you leave the rom, and then shortly after smacked your daughter. His announcement that he couldn't do this came AFTER your son stepped in to support his sister. Which sadly suggests it was more a reaction to being challenged than remorse/shock at what he had done. Even assuming the best of him, the whole situation (not just the smacking but the eggshells, him leaving every time your daughter gets upset, the fact he gets to call all the shots) isn't sustainable in the long term and is damaging to your children in the short term. Hopefully if he is genuinely remorseful he will have an awareness that the whole situation cannot continue (so not just promise never to hit your daughter again but to try to find ways to stop the other stuff impacting the children too). Even if this means that he lives apart whilst seeking treatment. If he ISN'T genuinely remorseful then it will be harder as the decision will be down to you...

Hope you're ok OP.

Some of your post is similar to the situation I found myself in a couple of months ago. My DH also constantly moody, shouty and stressed, we were all walking on egg shells etc - he didn't smack the children but it did all come to a head one day. Anyway that day, I told him to leave. I didn't want the kids to witness another row, or have the atmosphere in the house any longer. I thought I was doing the best thing for them but actually, they love their dad to bits, and were devastated that he moved out. They were inconsolable. It broke my heart and for that reason he's back and I'm hoping that he will arrange counselling soon to stop him slipping back into his old ways.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is, what would make the children happiest? Him leaving or him getting help to make him happy again.

Of course you can be a good parent, ( because there is no such thing as a brilliant one, we are all doing our best) without smacking your children. Did I suggest otherwise? However the snowflake children of recent years are partly due to parents and teachers not being listen to, children being pander to, and children not having any boundaries.

I think the telling thing is your husband's behaviour when he returned tbh.

The smack, the removal of the ring, the leaving. All could be a breaking point, a turning point.

If hed returned genuinely upset, apologetic, wanting to get help. Well, you'd be able to move forward - not together, but support him so he can build a relationship back witj his children.

But his return in that manner paints him as a selfish twat, regardless of depression tbh, and a bully.

I have smacked my kids. I have lost my temper and shouted. I am far from a perfect parent. But every time I am remorseful, I seek help, I talk to the children, I apologise. And I've not done anything like your husband has.

Cuddle your kids tonight. Make plans tomorrow. Involve the children's school, ask their advice and for support. Open doors for help for the three of you. And move onto a life where he doesn't live with you tbh.