DH smacked DD and has left

[Crumb502]

Family life has been tough for the last few months and it has all come to a head tonight...

To cut a long story short, DH has been depressed/stressed for some time and has been very moody with me and the children. We are all walking on eggshells around him and each other - he is unable to cope with conflict in any way.

DD (6) has always been 'spirited' but recently she has been having huge tantrums which, if he is around, he needs to leave the house for as he can't cope.

DS (10) has also had a behaviour change recently and has become aggressive / shouty with me and his DS.

Tonight DD started with a tantrum which, despite me trying to resolve, ended up with DH demanding I leave him to 'sort it out'. Minutes later I hear him smack her (door was closed and I heard the crack), so I ran upstairs and shouted at him "what are you doing"? She was screaming and then DS came in, shouted at his Dad and then shoved him, shouting "Don't hit my sister".

DH looked shocked, took his wedding ring off, said "that's it" and has left.

I don't know what to do, children are still very upset saying they have lost their Daddy and I'm trying to hold everyone together...

I'm lost.... what should I do??

Doesn't matter if he's having a breakdown of not (I say that as someone who has had more than one) - the moment it even potentially BEGINS to affect your dc you get help. No excuse. There may be very little in the way of mental health provision, but there is enough for any caring parent to get help before they damage their kids

If you do phone the police or contact social services etc then I think you'll need to be very careful as to what to tell your children. I'm sure they would advise you anyway but I'd hate for your DD to end up blaming herself if dad went to prison (would that/could that happen?). Sorry you're in such a shit situation OP. I think even if you do split that family counselling would still be a good idea, to learn how to work as a family whilst not being 'together'.

OP, being a parent with issues of your own doesn't ever mean you can't make the time and head space to be supportive of your adult DCs and DGCs too.

I hope you get the love and care your family need

OP if you are tempted to let him return make it a condition he seek and attend counselling before he returns. So easy for him to let it drift and nothing happen.
Do document the bruise in case you need it in future because he is bound to minimise it.
If you are anything like me, once you get used to the situation you will feel immense relief that the tension etc is no longer there. I put off leaving (matter of when not if) and wish I'd done so sooner. Life and parenting is hard enough without being held responsible for the moods etc of an adult child.
Children dislike change but your DC will adjust to their father not being there and will benefit from the happier atmosphere provided they don't feel they are to blame.
Good luck

OP, huge hugs to you and yours, cuddles under rugs etc.

Sorry to ask this, but us there an OW to explain the stress and grumpiness? You might just want to be prepared. That's what the wedding ring action would say to me. .

Keep yourselves safe, mentally and physically,

You talk about not wanting to worry your dad because he is ill. No idea how Ill or with what. My shitbag exH did stuff that ended up with the fear that we, me and two teenaged DC's would end up in SS bed and breakfast. Not a stealth boast but we had a 6 figure income ( mostly from my earnings) so a humongous shock. Promised myself I would not burden my unwell 83 year old dad with it. It all came tumbling out when we spoke one day. He was my rock. Four years on we are all happy, dad is still with us and we are close. He will want to help, at least consider it. It was my lifeline

This dis-ease your DH has is being projected onto you and the DC's. Hence the moodiness of kids and you. The guy needs therapy. If you can afford it, talk to him about it and the situation at home, contact the BACP for therapists your area or get him to GP ASAP for referral.

Agree with June it is worth reinforcing to the children in an age appropriate way that they are not to blame for all this. OP you are doing really well.

Ok, OP, if he has collected work stuff it doesn't sound as if he is at risk of serious self harm.

It's just outrageous that his behaviour has clearly disrupted your dd's behaviour, for which he has then hit her .

That his response had not been to come and apologise, or shown distress, also speaks volumes.

I sorry you have found yourself in this position but on eggshells is no way for any of you to live.

He lost his temper and 6 year old baby got the brunt of it. I know kids try you, but How can a child be expected not to throw wobblers when adults throw tantrums.
Yes I know he has he issues. I suffer with MH issues myself so I have every sympathy for him. However would he use violence on a 6ft tall man down the pub because he was having a bad day.

OP, how are you and the DC now? Sending you all hugs.

He may be "sick" but your dc and you yes are suffering. .read
Depresión fallout

Exp did things when he was depressed /Ill but it was a bigger picture too...you can only see clearly when you get space...

But it means if his sickness means he hits the dc then he can't live with you until he gets better.

See a counsellor for you

Speak to gp about sup port for dc counselling their behaviour is due to a response to his behaviour / his illness if he is diagnosed
He has to arrange his own therapy

I think you're making the best decision to be " done " with him! And I can't quite believe some posters on here.

If my son's father EVER got to a point where he smacked my son so hard, enough for you to hear it in another room and leave a handprint that WOULD be it! No excuses!

She's already stated she's not been happy In her marriage so why the fuck should she excuse this and forgive him?

Also if I was in this situation an my son ran to his sisters defence I would be incredibly proud!

I too also believe your children's behaviour has been influenced by your husbands moods etc.

I can't believe that some posters are telling you to excuse this smack!

For Christ sake she heard the crack from another room with the door closed!! Your poor daughter must have been absolutely terrified I'm sorry but there is NO excuse for that!

His reaction when he came home said it all, he couldn't even look at her, no apology to his kids! It wouldn't surprise me if her daughter was scared to death of her father now

It's just so sad. And to the posters who said they have smacked their child/children , is it always hard enough to leave your handprint?

Take care of yourself and your children OP! I wish you all the best and I hope you do make the cut and you can all be happy again!

Shadow - young children are not really best placed to gauge their own best interests in these situations. I left my abusive ex-H three years ago. Among other things my older DS bedwetting stopped almost immediately after his father left our home. We are infinitely happier. I know I made the best decision for them and me. My boys still wish we were all together and voice that wish from time to time. I understand that wish but it is my job to give them the best life I can from the options on the table, not to try and fail to deliver against a fantasy.

More generally, on the subject of walking on eggshells, we all lived with that and it was absolutely awful and took a huge toll on all of us. That was much worse even than being hit, I'm afraid, and I agree that it is probably the source of your children's behaviour.

Oh and just wanted to add, say she forgives him and he refuses still to get help, what's to say he's not going to smack the children even harder or even turn his hand to his wife?

He needs to get help before he even considers getting in touch again!

I couldn't trust him to not take it further should a similar situation happen again

Hope you all managed to get some sleep last night and you're all ok OP! Use this time to get some head space and process everything

If your husband had hit a random person in the street it's likely that police would have been called. It shouldn't be minimised because DD is spirited.
You said your DS behaviour has changed. I would say this is due to the way DH has been acting. Children need to feel as though their home is a safe haven and not that they have to fear what they do/say.

Did your DH come home last night? If it were me, I would let one of his family know the situation (mum/dad/brother on his side) and leave them to deal with him for now just so you know he is safe. You need to be there for your kids at the moment!

DH wouldn't have made you leave the room if he hadn't got it in his mind that he was going to smack your DD. If it was a quick reaction to the situation then you would have been there to see the smack

My dad used to suffer with stress and his temper. He used to beat me and my brothers when we 'missed behaved' and mum used to walk in the room to him beating us and say 'that's enough now daddy candlefairy'. She's till with my dad now and I still have a relationship with them both BUT the resentment I have towards her for not sticking up for us or living is huge.

I also was the older simple so did the same as your son and one run in the room and pull my dad of my siblings, the reason I got involved and risked having being hit my self was because I couldn't trust my mum would stop him and stick up for us.

So sorry for the typos currently having a debate with a toddler!

Wishing you well for the day ahead. Hope you and the kids are ok

How are you today op? And how are your children this morning?

BertieBotts There is no debate. If you smack a child with an open palm so hard it makes a mark and the child was presented to a social worker they would be taken for a child protection medical. The law says it is abuse.

I echo RestlessTraveller that there isn't a debate. Leaving a handprint across the child's skin is explicitly illegal, and abuse.

I'm also sick to the back teeth of people minimising it because kids wind you up or they've got some sort of Dickensian authority complex. The children are suffering depression from being expected to manage their parent's moods, so sorry a six year old can't take on the role of a grown professional therapist. My boss at work winds me up no end but you'd take a dim view of me leaving a handprint across her face for it.

Completely agree with restless traveller and Sheba

op has your dh been diagnosed with stress /depression?
is he undergoing active treatment?

your 10 year old in particular is an age where he will be impacted
please go to your gp and ask for support for the dc to deal with all this.

also speak to school about what is going on. there may be support thru school and teachers can look out for behavior issues - far better they know there is a reason...