DH smacked DD and has left

[Crumb502]

Family life has been tough for the last few months and it has all come to a head tonight...

To cut a long story short, DH has been depressed/stressed for some time and has been very moody with me and the children. We are all walking on eggshells around him and each other - he is unable to cope with conflict in any way.

DD (6) has always been 'spirited' but recently she has been having huge tantrums which, if he is around, he needs to leave the house for as he can't cope.

DS (10) has also had a behaviour change recently and has become aggressive / shouty with me and his DS.

Tonight DD started with a tantrum which, despite me trying to resolve, ended up with DH demanding I leave him to 'sort it out'. Minutes later I hear him smack her (door was closed and I heard the crack), so I ran upstairs and shouted at him "what are you doing"? She was screaming and then DS came in, shouted at his Dad and then shoved him, shouting "Don't hit my sister".

DH looked shocked, took his wedding ring off, said "that's it" and has left.

I don't know what to do, children are still very upset saying they have lost their Daddy and I'm trying to hold everyone together...

I'm lost.... what should I do??

hard enough to leave marks - yes - abusive - this is now illegal and classed as common assault.

I think your DH's mental state and behaviour day to day, and the effect it has on all of you, is the main problem. I can't tell from your post what happened with the smack. If he was out of control and smacked in anger or in the face then that is deeply worrying. If he decided on a smack on the bottom as punishment and calmly stated that he did not want to do it but it was a punishment then it is not quite the same though would not be my choice, but since that is clearly not how things are done in your house and your dc would not expect it the incident is pretty scary. I would not smack and I think it is very good that it is more taboo now, but I was smacked as a child and it did me no harm at all, and I was not scared as I knew it was just a brief punishment no one really wanted.....different situation here though. It sounds like he has really lost control and needs help, and to stay away for now while he gets it, and see how he is in a few months or a year. You have to draw a line at this.

THe law changed almost 12 years ago. Can't bring myself to link to a Daily Fail article but it says:-

"14 January 2005

Parents who smack their children hard enough to leave a mark will face up to five years' imprisonment from midnight tonight.

New laws coming into force tomorrow allow mild smacking but criminalise any physical punishment which causes visible bruising.

A "reasonable chastisement" defence will still be available to parents but they could be charged with common assault if a smack causes bruises, grazes, scratches, minor swellings or cuts.

Child protection charity the NSPCC said the law was flawed and called for a total ban on smacking. The new law would only confuse parents and leave children at risk of abuse, the charity insisted. NSPCC boss Mary Marsh said:

"Hitting a child remains legal - as long as parents do not cause children injury amounting to anything more than transient reddening of the skin.

"This new law is flawed. There is a risk that parents may choose to hit children on parts of their body where injury is less visible, such as
the head, which can cause serious harm."

OP, I'd personally see your husband's conduct as a red flag and feel that my children were in real danger. You have already stated that their behaviour has changed - what on earth will they be like now that he has assaulted your 6 yr old daughter? She is not to blame btw, he chose to assault her.

And why are you walking on eggshells? What do you fear? Are you also at risk? From what you've described you could well be.

Under no circumstances, would I allow him to be alone with the DC, and that also extends to taking and collecting them from school.

Mental illness is no excuse for assaulting a child and your poor, poor son felt the need to defend his sister.

I would contact Women's Aid for help.

Disgusted by the posts defending the H's abusive behaviour. He did the best thing when he took off his wedding ring and said it's over. Saved you a job. Don't blame your son. He is a child whose parent abused his sister. Now sit back and watch your children's behaviour improve.

He left a handprint on her bottom.

I totally agree that both DC behaviour has changed in response to DH mental state, and that we would be better off without him.

I am not sure I love him anymore. If someone said to me that I had one year to live, would it be like this? Absolutely not..

I know I need to be brave and make the move.

Update, he came in, stomped upstairs to collect his stuff for work tomorrow and then stomped out again without a word or look at me.

I'm done.

call 101 or NCPCC for advice once the kids are in bed. I hope his behaviour has shocked him to sort himself out, your kids need space away from him for a while. can he stay at a trusted friends or family members house

Oh how awful hope you are ok.
It sounds like there is more to this and it is not a difficult situation with you and the kids that is making him act like this.
Right now now focus on your lovely kids and get them settled. When he does come back there is no more hiding you need to talk. Unfortunately when someone is depressed there is little you can do until they themselves realise it. HItting is never the answer and I have a feeling he going to realise that when he is better. Hope you sort things out and stay strong xx

Keep your kids safe for tonight and tomorrow you need to have a think about how the future looks for you and them.

No advice but your thread has moved me
for you and your DC, I hope you all find the strength to get through this.

Have you got much support around you in real life Crumb

Yes I think you are done

Keep strong

Are you ready to report the assault on your DD to the police? Leaving a hand print on her skin is beyond 'reasonable chastisement' Time to protect your DC from this abusive man.

You are better than my mother, OP. She kept on normalising and minimising and appeasing my shitbag father even after he split my lip and threatened to kill me....and that's where this behaviour is heading, make no mistake. I'm obviously still worried for you and your family, but I'm greatly relieved that you are going to keep your kids safe. You will do a grand job and they will thank you.

Kitty me too , cannot believe some of the minimising that's going on.

Well done OP, stay strong and do this for your kids - also please take every bit of RL support you can and tell the people that care about you. I would do everything I could if this was happening to a friend

You're doing great OP. He's gone now - are the children asleep? Amazing if so! Hope you all manage to get a bit of rest. Please don't feel pressured to do anything else tonight

Given that it's likely that one or both of your children will mention this, you need to take steps to show that you are protecting them. This will be taken seriously. The school will have to report it if they find out, and they are highly likely to find out because this will be cataclysmic for your children.

I'm so sorry for you all. But please, please don't reprimand your son for physically defending his sister. Please take him aside and say that violence should always be a last resort, only ever in defence, but that's what he did and you're amazingly proud of his bravery and protectiveness of his sister.

He sounds like a brilliant big brother. Please don't leave him in any doubt that his physical defence is on a par with his fathers agression. It's a world away.

Stay strong OP.. you are absolutely doing the right thing and your children will be better for it

Remember how you feel now when you have a wobble

don't put what your son did in the same frame as what your husband did as it really isn't.

I fully agree with this. ^^^^^^^

Absolutely not supportive of or condoning what the DH has done, which is disgusting, as a separate matter however, he has ongoing mental health difficulties, has taken his ring off and declared 'I'm done'

It may be worth speaking to 101/someone about him as a suicide risk they may want to look out for.

He may require serious intervention

He's made his decision op. He's crossed a line in hitting your child and , for me there would be no going back from that. Tomorrow I would explain to the dc that daddy isn't well and can't come home. I know it will be hard but you just can't live like this. They deserve to live without fear of violence or an outburst. So do you. I bet all of the money in my bank that your dd's behaviour will improve when she's not walking on egg shells all of the time.

One smack on the bottom does not mean he is an abuser. He has made a huge mistake. I have smacked my ds on the bottom 3 times in his life, I remember each time, I bet he doesn't. Once it was because he run out into the road and give me a huge shock. The reason many dc are obnoxious is because parents pander to them and try to be their friends, not the person they should listen to.