DH smacked DD and has left

[Crumb502]

Family life has been tough for the last few months and it has all come to a head tonight...

To cut a long story short, DH has been depressed/stressed for some time and has been very moody with me and the children. We are all walking on eggshells around him and each other - he is unable to cope with conflict in any way.

DD (6) has always been 'spirited' but recently she has been having huge tantrums which, if he is around, he needs to leave the house for as he can't cope.

DS (10) has also had a behaviour change recently and has become aggressive / shouty with me and his DS.

Tonight DD started with a tantrum which, despite me trying to resolve, ended up with DH demanding I leave him to 'sort it out'. Minutes later I hear him smack her (door was closed and I heard the crack), so I ran upstairs and shouted at him "what are you doing"? She was screaming and then DS came in, shouted at his Dad and then shoved him, shouting "Don't hit my sister".

DH looked shocked, took his wedding ring off, said "that's it" and has left.

I don't know what to do, children are still very upset saying they have lost their Daddy and I'm trying to hold everyone together...

I'm lost.... what should I do??

I'm sorry but he would never step foot in my home again
I would put money on the fact that your children's behaviour is as a direct result of his behaviour towards you and them

Don't contact him. Leave him to it, you all sound like your better off without.

You really don't need someone like that in your life.

Your children are being seriously damaged by your DH's behaviour, that is why they are acting out.

It's not your job to hold your family together when one of its members is damaging it.

Lots of people are depressed but that doesn't mean their families have to tiptoe round them and accept that they'll assault six year olds.

If this event isn't a watershed in his behaviour, leading him to realise he needs to seek help, then I think you know his priority is not the welfare of his family.

In all honesty it sounds as though life would be infinitely happier for you and your children without him there.

I grew up with a very moody father, who couldn't tolerate any noise, conflict, difference in opinion to him, etc and we all walked on eggshells. He regularly smacked my sister and I when we hadn't even really done anything wrong, he just lost control of his anger and lashed out at us. Growing up with a father like that did me a huge amount of damage emotionally. It's just not sustainable to live long term with someone who is moody and unpredictable and come out with your mental health and wellbeing intact.

I would check he is safe if at all possible but I wouldn't let him move back home.

How is your DD btw?

I'd be more worried about her. He's a grown-ass man who can take care of himself. She's a little girl who's been attacked by her father.

If he smacked her hard enough to leave red skin at least, it's common assault.

I also have no sympathies. He's an abusive wanker. Nothing excuses this and he knows it.

How can you model good behaviour as parents with your DP so unpredictable? Children need a happy stable loving home.

Does she have a red mark or bruising?

Maybe your daughter's 'spirited' behaviour has gone on too long for him to deal with, and smacking her was a knee jerk reaction to shock her out of it, instead he has made things worse for all of you. He will be feeling guilty now and you need to reassure the dc & tell them daddy made a big mistake.

As shocked at the suggestion that it is a 6 year old little girls fault that her daddy hit her because she is spirited
I have a spirited 6 year old who is very trying at times and neither me or DH would ever raise a hand to him

One smack does not make him abusive, he has shocked himself and that might be the one thing to make him sort himself out.

Please don't minimise how much of an effect your husbands mental state will have had on the dc.

Don't let him come home.

I would comfort DD and then take steps to remove OH from my life. i.e. changing locks, packing his things, etc.

DD and DS have both been having behavioural difficulties - do you even wonder why? Look who they're learning from at home!

Your kids are acting like this because they are children. Their bodies and brains cannot handle walking on eggshells and it needs to be released.

You are damaging them and showing them they have to try and repress themselves for protection around a stressed/depressed, moody person.

As others said you heard the crack from another floor and a closed door. How the hell was that a smack?

You DS was protecting his sister from being harmed. Good for him.

Protect your DC.

Howdo you define Spirited? PP

I think somebody should smack him and see if it "shocks him out of it"

As always it seems , I totally agree with Anyfucker

All that's led up to this sounds unbearable. No wonder your DC are unsettled. It's all been coming to a head. From your description of your lives ,the three of you will be far happier without him.

All smacks are abusive. You can't hit an adult, you shouldn't hit a small child.

I think we need to remember this is OP's husband we are talking about and she probably loves him as do her children.
Everyone goes through stressful periods and they do need support at times.
I think it very much depends on the history.
I left my h about a year and a half ago but I know the children still love him and I let them see him as much as possible.
I don't smack the children usually though they have received the odd one on the hand once a year. OPs DH knows he shouldn't have done what he did and probably feels awful.
He needs support and OP needs to have a long think. Love was all lost in my marriage and I had no feelings which made it easier to leave but but OPs circumstances are different.
I do not see one smack as abuse. (and I do have plenty history of that) I see it rather as a mistake. If it happens over or H shows no remorse for his actions, i'd think again.

I remember doing the same as your son, running in and trying to attack the man who was trying to hurt my brother/had hurt my brother (my mums boyfriend - not my dad). Sometimes I did it to distract him away from my brother who was smaller than me (3ish) because I was bigger and I thought could take it, or rather I was trying to protect him anyway I could (at 6 or 7 years old).

I can remember these moments vividly and I am 44.

Firstly please don't put what your son did in the same frame as what your husband did as it really isn't. Also your husbands mental state doesn't excuse his behaviour - good men put their children first and don't hurt them.

Secondly, please pack your not so D husbands shit - in bin bags, put it out the front in the rain, get the locks changed and literally shut him out of your life, he sounds like an utter cunt - what he did was inexcusable and you are all better off without him.

Also, take his wedding ring, sell it and take your kids somewhere nice for the weekend to celebrate the beginning of your new life without him in it.

This reads very similar to a situation my friends in and as an outsider looking in - her children's behaviour has changed as her husbands behaviour has nose dived. In all likelihood your children are expressing their anxiety through displayed behaviour. I hope you're husband returns and you can talk about the impact his mood is having on the whole family and that responsibility for the change lies within him. Please assure your children they are not and never have been responsible for his actions. Children carry a lot of guilt in these situations. Good luck.

If she has a mark on her (?) and you don't take steps to remove him from your home, you could well be on very shaky ground OP. Very shaky indeed.

Your original question was "what should I do?"

If it was me - if a mark was left I would call 101 and talk to the police as it's assault. I would take all steps to prove that I was protecting my DC from him.

Asking a genuine question here. My dad used to hit us when we were younger- hard enough to leave marks. And I also remember him putting his fist through a door. I'm having counselling for various things and have realised my view as skewed but is this classed as abusive? ? I thought this was a generational thing and lots of parents used to smack their children. I don't agree with it at all but would genuinely like a view on this.

I did not say it was the 6 year old's fault, I said that maybe dh was so stressed he behaved in a out of character way. He was in the wrong not the child.

I also agree with AnyFucker.