DH smacked DD and has left

[Crumb502]

Family life has been tough for the last few months and it has all come to a head tonight...

To cut a long story short, DH has been depressed/stressed for some time and has been very moody with me and the children. We are all walking on eggshells around him and each other - he is unable to cope with conflict in any way.

DD (6) has always been 'spirited' but recently she has been having huge tantrums which, if he is around, he needs to leave the house for as he can't cope.

DS (10) has also had a behaviour change recently and has become aggressive / shouty with me and his DS.

Tonight DD started with a tantrum which, despite me trying to resolve, ended up with DH demanding I leave him to 'sort it out'. Minutes later I hear him smack her (door was closed and I heard the crack), so I ran upstairs and shouted at him "what are you doing"? She was screaming and then DS came in, shouted at his Dad and then shoved him, shouting "Don't hit my sister".

DH looked shocked, took his wedding ring off, said "that's it" and has left.

I don't know what to do, children are still very upset saying they have lost their Daddy and I'm trying to hold everyone together...

I'm lost.... what should I do??

That is a great post Crumb and you have good boundaries. Your H's happiness or otherwise is not the main consideration. Good luck to you and your DCs -

depression is a horrid illness u cant rationalise anything however its still no excuse to hit anyone

do u think hes walked out out of guilt or because he cant cope anymore

i mean how is it your fault that hes snapped

I think him leaving is the right thing.
They must have been scared out of their minds. He has commited an offence and anyone who condones this on this thread is dreadful. There is no excuse for slapping a child that hard. He needs to seek help. He's clearly not in control of his temper and him storming off has done you a huge favour so you haven't had to ask him to leave.
I'm so sorry for you all, no one should have to go through this. The Trust has been truely shattered and it's his issue how he can ever rebuild that with his kids, not your responsibility.

I feel like we are depressed because he is depressed

Here it is. Children are not responsible for their parents' mental health. If he's not prepared to seek help and take responsibility for his own moods, everyone is better off with him elsewhere. Violence escalates, especially when the abuser won't accept responsibility. If he's blaming a six year old for his actions, as a parent, he's no man at all.

You are right Bertie. There is a specific context to this which is a man who is not in control and is not so much angry with his dd as with everything. Hope you and the dc are feeling a little calmer OP, and that this can be a turning point for him getting help and hopefully being elsewhere to give you all some relief.

Shocked at the reponses on here regarding a smack and I agree that

One smack on the bottom does not mean he is an abuser.*

I dont smack my children. I was smacked as a child and quite frankly I felt i did deserved it. I was a little shit when I was young. What the hell is the world coming to calling a parent who gives a smack an abuser.

Op your husband is clearly needs help and so do you and your dc. Please don't write him off as you said this is so out of character for him. Take each day as it come sand take care of yourselves.

But the law states that leaving a mark is illegal. It's assault. Yes just once. I have completed children's safeguarding training multiple times. The debate on that is for another place it's not supportive here. OP isn't trying to reason with it she wants support

I agree with PP about kids bad behaviour being a reaction to your DHs moods. I could have written this OP , stay strong.

what would make the children happiest? Him leaving or him getting help to make him happy again.

The man made sure his wife wasn't in the room when he assaulted a 6 year old. He then stormed out when his 10 year old son stood up to him. He returned to get his stuff and ignored his wife.

There's no indication that he has the slightest shred of remorse or wants to be part of this family. As it reads, it's highly unlikely he'll seek psychological treatment.

Carrie, I neither know nor care what you mean by "snowflake children", but adult parents who expect their small children to be responsible for their moods are dangerous. Here's a boundary for you. Stop defending grown men when they assault six year olds.

That face wasn't to you myusername

That's ok Kitty

Sounds like an absolutely awful situation, OP.

Can't tell you what to do here - it depends on your overall feelings about your DH as a husband and a father, taking into account his depression and the fact that you admit your DD's behaviour is a challenge.

I don't agree with smacking. However, I wouldn't necessarily divorce my DH if he smacked our child once. I do understand that people have breaking points, and actually smacking as chastisement is legal - I know many people think that shouldn't be the case.

Obviously none of this is your son's fault and the children have to be your first priority.

Anyone who hit my child, whether it was legally considered assault or not, would not be coming into my home again.

It is not legal to leave a mark

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/the-law-on-smacking-children/

The end

It sounds to me like your hubby could be having some kind of breakdown

He walked off as he knew things had gone too far, he had done something he could never take back and maybe doesn't trust himself around the children, because of his stress levels and inability to cope

He needs help, professional help

OP it must be a terrible place to be in for you too. You seem pretty sure you're done, but just to let the message sink in further about how much it will be affecting your kids...I recently had a conversation with my 14yo sister (we have 10 years between us) where we were reliving all of her memories from when she was young. One which I never got a moment thought she would remember, but I did vividly, was our father being incredibly angry at her one day and hauling her up the stairs, into her room and screaming at her. I was never the type to get involved as a 13yo teenager but I went in to try to distract him, and said he couldn't shout at her like that, it was too much. I was told to get out, but hovered at the door and when she had been shut in her room and he went back downstairs to our mum, she said "I didn't know if you were going to hit her...how could she know if you would?". It haunted me but it never occurred to me that the tiny little girl it happened to would remember but she does. He was a very shouty man, it wasn't unusual for us to be shouted at but this day was just too close to the line.

I can imagine DH behaviour is effecting both your children..

You know he is fine.. Focus on bring some happiness into the home.

Lots of cuddles for the children

Never This isn't the thread for opinions on smacking. Legally this was assault, it's very likely that her children will mention it at school, so OP needs to know that so she can prepare.

Cuddle your dc and lock the door.

There is absolutely no excuse for what he did and, like others, I would bet absolutely anything that their behaviour is a result of his behaviour.

If it were me there would be no going back from this.

I hope you're as OK as you can be Op - must have been a hell of a shock

Is that why he behaved like a cock when he came back again?

Please don't let your dd or ds feel they are in anyway to blame for their dad being gone. Children take on blame for things so it's important they not associate his going with anything they have done.

Good, he left. My Dad did this and I am no contact with any of the fuckers.