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Original poster

Splitting up the kids ?

264 replies

Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 09:34

Basically DS and DD3 are really close.
DD2 is no trouble at all and DD1 just needs peace and quiet and she's fine too.
I am seriously considering buying a flat for DD1 16 now and DD2 when she's 16 and parking them in it.

Their dad is fucking hopeless.

We are all going around the twist with the fighting, lack of space, lack of privacy etc.

I just hate the idea of splitting them up but it's going to happen eventually right ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 18:41

mummyto2monkeys - again thank you, but no she does not need carers or assisted living, I realise it's difficult to get a feel for a situation over Internet posts, but totally on the wrong page.

And I don't need telling you don't lock people in rooms overnight

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 17/11/2016 18:46

"Ground her"

Please, please no. My parents did this to my brother when he was difficult to deal with. Meant that we other children had to bear the brunt of all his frustration. If someone is picking on their siblings, they need more time out of the house, not in it. Discipline's obviously gone through the door already.

TwentyCups · 17/11/2016 18:53

Then for their sake buy the flat. I honestly can't see how purchasing an asset - one than can be an earner - is a bad idea.
If she likes the idea then maybe it could even become something to bond over. Furnishing a home is something that my friends and I were obsessed with when we were that age. It really could be the making of her - I think it's all about presenting it as something for her, and acknowledging that she doesn't find it easy to live with you all. It doesn't have to be done as though she is being kicked out. Most people I know actually ended up enjoying their families much more when they moved out - and wanted to visit them and see them far more than when they lived together. For some people they reach this point at 18, 19 or in their twenties. Others are ready for this at 16 or 17. I feel like if this goes on for another 18 months she might leave and not return - and the damage done to her and all your other children from this living situation may be irreversible.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 18:56

I completely agree, I was ready to leave at 16, didn't until 20 but God id had enough of being at home long before then.

OP posts:
TwentyCups · 17/11/2016 18:58

I was the same - if my parents had offered me a free flat or house to live in I would have jumped to it, as money was the only thing keeping me from leaving at 20.
My parents did actually have a second house that they rented out but they couldn't afford for me to live in it paying below market rent - and I couldn't afford to pay it!

3littlebadgers · 17/11/2016 18:59

Op I am sorry you are going through such a hard time.

My children are younger so I have no personal experience but my friend purchased a secondhand (slightly run down) caravan for her teen daughter. She kept it on her drive and the daughter earned the right to decorate it and use it as her own, safe place, by displaying a kind and helpful attitude. It was never given to the daughter, so it wasn't something she could take for granted but once she became nicer to have around she was given the key to keep. Could something like that be a possibility?

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 19:00

And she will be nearly 17 by the time it's all sorted. At the end of the day it's got to happen at some point and she's had the chance to do things my way if she's not going to then I can't see what more I can do other than help her to do things her way. It's more than anyone did for me or most people of our generation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 19:01

3littlebadgers it's certainly another option, if she's naughty, it'll be a tent !

OP posts:
TwentyCups · 17/11/2016 19:01

It sounds like you have made up your mind - trust yourself. Like I said, if she is against the idea you can rent it to tenants anyway.

Blu · 17/11/2016 19:18

Op, your situation sounds incredibly hard and I am not surprised you are desperate.

She sounds like a very angry young woman who has no clue how to deal with herself other than to take it out on you all. The neck pinching sounds quite disturbed and disturbing.

I also understand that your capital is your security.

I was wondering about apprenticeships and residential college / training courses, but it sounds as if she has a firm Uni and career plan?

Your sort of situation is where we need a different sort of safety net: informal fostering, placements for young people who can live in as company for an elderly person and walk the dog for them, volunteer stand in aunties. Does she have a friend she could lodge with during the week? You could still buy the flat as an investment and rent it out.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 19:27

No there's a few of them at her school who are similar, very bright young people but frankly utter pains in the Arse, if we put them all together they'd probably be on the news for machine gunning down their peers like the American loons, it's scary tbh, I don't like the idea of them spending too much time together at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 19:30

Give you an example of what she's like, she's volunteered to work in a homeless kitchen on Christmas Day, all very nice but it's my Christmas with the kids this year, he had them last year. I've been looking forward to it since June but now I'm the Cnut that won't drive her to and from the city centre at the crack of dawn ... And that's exactly what my grumpy bastard of a dad is like, she should go and bloody live with him !

OP posts:
GerdaLovesLili · 17/11/2016 19:33

It's always a good idea to sink money into property, if you can afford to do it then do. Much more sensible than throwing it away on rent when it can be working for you. If your teenager is sensible and needs her own space, and you think she will be a good caretaker of it then so much the better.

Tell her you love her and that you trust her, that you can see that living with small children and animals and the dirt and germs that come with them is stressing her out and making her unreasonable.

Tell her that you would like to bond over fitting out the flat for her, tell her that she's not being thrown out, tell her that this is her own safe space and that she's welcome back whenever she likes.

I think that you will find that you ans she at least will have a better relationship, and over time, she might find she can tolerate her younger siblings too.

Make her new safe space a treat not a punishment.

antimatter · 17/11/2016 19:39

Can she legally live by herself on her own?

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 19:45

Yes is the simple answer. If she wants to walk out my front door tonight, legally I cannot stop her

OP posts:
Artandco · 17/11/2016 20:01

See I think the homeless volunteering is fine. The option is a) say no and all have a grumpy Christmas but all day together, or b) encourage her helping others, ask her timings and do arrange to drop and pick her up with the plan of Christmas all together from 3pm or whatever. That way you and younger ones get 6hrs together calmly, then a nice evening with her anyway

Blu · 17/11/2016 20:03

I would support her by driving her to and from the Christmas Day volunteering! And give her lots of credit for doing it. She may well be doing it to get away, she may well be doing it to have a go at you. Perfect opportunity to call her bluff, praise her for doing it and offering to help. What's the problem? Is the City Centre a two hour drive away? Confused

BastardGoDarkly · 17/11/2016 20:08

I actually agree it may be the answer, but your last post about her was really quite vicious, I hope you get this sorted asap, she sounds miserable.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 20:09

You don't think it's just bloody rude ? I got ripped a new one when I was 18, went out and got plastered Christmas Eve and then didn't surface until lunchtime, I'd ruined Christmas apparently and yet this one thinks she can just announce she's opting out this year and could we all just facilitate that and I'll not be able to drink because I've got to pick her up and it's all fine and dandy because it's better than looking at slapped Arse face all day. Just madness in my humble opinion.

OP posts:
Artandco · 17/11/2016 20:14

It's hardly rude it's planned, she stole you already and it's only November. She's not there from super early until super later surely? Most are 6hrs maximum. Surely you can just have a drink once collected? Or arrange with her a time to drop off and book a taxi for return? What time is it? Talk about it with interest rather than despite with her

You want her living separate, but then hate when she makes separate arrangements? Can't have both

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 20:16

I do think it's rude when she can't make her own arrangements so she's making mine for me, doesn't matter how much notice is given does it. When she can drive she can do what she likes and that's what she's getting for Christmas, lessons !

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KateBeckett · 17/11/2016 20:18

Could a comprise be that you buy the flat, do it up with her and have it as a bolt hole at first - somewhere she can go a few nights a week to get some space? Then if you are all happier, build up the amount of time she spends there?

It sounds very difficult for all of you...

KateBeckett · 17/11/2016 20:21

Also, definitely taxi for Christmas! You may feel it's rude that she wants to go out, but by the sounds of it not of you will have a good day together anyway...

GrabtharsHammer · 17/11/2016 20:21

Volunteering at a homeless shelter does not in any way equal getting shitfaced and ruining Christmas.

You really aren't coming across very well here.

Bob19702 · 17/11/2016 20:25

To be honest you sound very childish and non compromising , lots of children are difficult and kick back at her age and a few of us were probably the same ...