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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Splitting up the kids ?

264 replies

Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 09:34

Basically DS and DD3 are really close.
DD2 is no trouble at all and DD1 just needs peace and quiet and she's fine too.
I am seriously considering buying a flat for DD1 16 now and DD2 when she's 16 and parking them in it.

Their dad is fucking hopeless.

We are all going around the twist with the fighting, lack of space, lack of privacy etc.

I just hate the idea of splitting them up but it's going to happen eventually right ?

OP posts:
friendswithacat · 17/11/2016 17:16

So is the problem that you're renting?

toptoe · 17/11/2016 17:19

What does she say about moving out? Is it something she wants to do? At her age she's going to need support paying bills etc, so I guess you'd set that up in your name?

One big thing to worry about is her mates will know she has a flat and pressure her into parties. She might have older acquanitances come round and push drugs etc. on her and her young mates. That's what I'd worry about. Her vulnerability, no matter how savvy she is she's still 16 and doesn't have the experience and tools to handle clever, manipulative weirdos. How will you be able to monitor that?

GoofyTheHero · 17/11/2016 17:23

My mum had an affair and moved out when I was 16. My dad worked away mon-fri. My 18 year old brother spent every night out with friends/his gf. It was awful TBH. It was lonely, I felt vulnerable. I felt unloved, like no one loved me enough to live with me. I put a brave face on it, and my dad still doesn't know how I felt, but it was awful

Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 17:24

Imaging Saffy from absolutely fabulous, that's my daughter, she has two equally nerdy friends. I imagine the first night alone they will get off their tits on full sugar Coke and then never try it again because it was too out there !

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Artandco · 17/11/2016 17:25

So you only have £30k top? That isn't going to help really until you die is it?

Just use it to rent a bigger place. Why do you have to remain a single parent with no income? Can't you work as your children grow? In 5 years time you could have a huge deposit if you are earning well

Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 17:26

GoofyTheHero. But you weren't offered a family environment and fucked it up by hurting your siblings .... She's had every chance of these things. On the car journey home tonight tge little boy knocked into her and was rewarded with the back of his neck being squeezed ... This an 16 year old I mean ffs

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Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 17:28

Artandco that's ridiculous and irresponsible and of course I already work, you can't even rent without working full time

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GrabtharsHammer · 17/11/2016 17:32

What happened to the rental property you own with your ex? Can't that be sold?

Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 17:34

GrabtharsHammer that's the family home that will be sold, that's it, that's all my money and when it's gone it's gone

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GrabtharsHammer · 17/11/2016 17:43

Is there any reason you can't live there?

mummyto2monkeys · 17/11/2016 17:44

Have you asked for a referral to CAMHS for your daughter? It sounds like she has OCD, if not Autism/ poor impulse control. I am shocked to hear you speak about your daughter with such disdain. My son is autistic (as well as having several OCD tendencies and severe anxiety) and can lash out/completely meltdown hitting his sister or dh. We still love our son, we will never throw him out into a flat, or write him off as you appear to be doing with your daughter. Your daughter is very clever, mature and yet is having mental health issues. Instead of taking her to the Doctor to try to address these issues, you have completely detached yourself from her emotionally and have written her off choosing to throw her out. (which is disguised as giving her inheritance and setting her up in a flat! ) She is sixteen years old, she has a father who wants nothing to do with her and a Mother who has written her off as too like her grandfather and cares more for her other children than for the sad little girl that is crying out for love in her own misguided way.

Please, if you don't want your daughter anymore, at least contact social services so she will have a chance to have adults support her. I had friends who were chucked out at sixteen, they had similar backgrounds. Chucking them out left my clever friends trying to cope in an adult world well before they were ready. Within a few months they had dropped out of school, the next I heard one girl had formed a relationship with this creep in his late thirties. Desperate for love and approval she clung to any affection she could get. She ended up married to an abusive asshole, with three kids before she even turned twenty. My friend has turned her life around, no thanks to her toxic Mother, who she has zero contact with.

If you go down this route, you will lose your daughter. Maybe not right away, maybe she will still cling to your relationship desperate for your love and approval, or the money that pays her rent. But when your daughter grows up she will hopefully have a family of her own, when she feels the fierce love for her children, she will look on you with horror. She will know that she would do anything to help her child, that she would never speak of them with the disdain that you have spoken of her. Then she will cut you out. Then when your other children become parents, do you think they will look at your planned actions as those of a wonderful parent?

Please don't do this. Get help for your daughter, contact the school, discuss your daughters anxiety/ OCD/ meltdowns. Ask for a referral to your local youths mental health services. Look in the mirror and tell yourself 'my daughter is NOT my father!', keep saying it, the more you write her off the more she will walk into this self fulfilling prophecy.

Compliment your daughter, tell her she is clever, tell her you are proud of how well she is doing at school, tell her she is beautiful! Don't make your daughter lash out for negative attention when you can give her positive attention easily. When she does something kind, praise her. Nurture her relationship with her siblings. Reassure her that you love her just as much as her siblings. Tell her that she doesn't need her Father because you love her enough for both of them! Please love her and help her, you will only destroy yourself and your daughter if you go down the route you want to.

friendswithacat · 17/11/2016 17:59

I'm failing to see what Art said that was irresponsible?

Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 17:59

The house is at the other end of the country.
mummyto2monkeys. Thank you for taking the time to reply. I don't actually feel we have a relationship right now and if anything giving her space to remove things she finds stressful will hopefully improve her relationship with all of us. My DD will not drop out of school, she will not end up in an abusive relationship because she has no interest in relationships, she won't marry I know that already because she is far too focused on what she wants to do. And I am 120% behind her and supporting in those dreams. I was told by a friend who's s very senior SW that the only way they will have any interest in my situation is basically if she hurts one of my little ones and my choice is then have them put into care or I kick DD1 out - I do not want it to come to that because there aren't nice cosy foster homes for middle class children who only like to sleep on their own bedding and would literally have a nervous breakdown if she had to sleep on a bed somebody else had slept in previously.
I don't know how old your son is but all I can say is, loving is the easy bit, living day to day is bloody hard.

OP posts:
Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 18:00

friendswithacat to piss the only money we will ever have away on rent rather than put it towards a tangible asset is irresponsible.

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Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 18:02

Oh and we've done CAHMs many msny many times

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Artandco · 17/11/2016 18:06

But why is £30,000 the only money you will ever have? Like I said, presumably you are working? You will be earning more money every year until you retire. That's at guess another 20 years away. You have 20 years to get some money together to buy a small retirement home.

Why think so so far ahead when the issues are now?

You have two older teens, who like you say will move out in a few years likely. use some of £30k if needed to help rent a bigger place the next 3-5 years. After that there's only you and two children so you can then downsize again and review then.
In 5 years time you will have another 5 years worth of saving from work, and can look at getting a mortgage on a small 2-3 bedroom.

Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 18:09

And by then I could be 5 years into paying my mortgage off and prices will have risen ... I'm not a young woman with the world at my feet.

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Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 18:10

Earning more money ? I earn £6000 less than I did in 2001 for doing the same job

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friendswithacat · 17/11/2016 18:12

I do appreciate what you're saying Pissed.

But to pump your only available capital into a flat to be trashed by a 16 year old and her sister seems utterly mad!

Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 18:16

friendswithacat I can't see her trashing it and if she does she'll have to clean it up.
Lots of 16 year olds have their own babies to look after, it might be he making of her. Worse case scenario she might be grateful of how good things were at home

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expatinscotland · 17/11/2016 18:17

Sounds like you've had enough of her.

TwentyCups · 17/11/2016 18:24

I have read loads of your threads and honestly I would buy the flat. Some people grow up faster than others. Buy the flat - don't tell her it's hers forever but buy one - offer it as a rent free space for her. If she accepts it then let her live there. If she doesn't, get tenants in and earn from it.
So long as she doesn't feel pushed out this could be a perfect solution. It doesn't need to affect uni - get tenants in if she goes further away.

TwentyCups · 17/11/2016 18:25

You get a very hard time on here, I can see why sometimes, but you have four children to consider, it sounds very hard.

Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 18:27

TwentyCups honestly I'm just exhausted with it all, I just want some normality for my boy before he's fucked up completely. The two other girls are "ok" but this poor lad has only ever known this nonsense and I just want it to end

OP posts:
mummyto2monkeys · 17/11/2016 18:34

Op, I have been living with my sons Autism for almost ten years, I am currently dealing with puberty hormones mixed with anxiety/ fear of change/ OCD and sensory overload. Yes loving is the easy bit, it is hard and often it feels like you go one step forward and two steps back. We made the choice to home educate our son and we have implemented so many strategies that help make life easier for all of us...

You are in a positive position of having cash available to use on private therapy. I would look around for a psychologist who specialises in girls on the autism spectrum and their co morbidities (OCD/ anxiety). Your daughter needs help, perhaps living in a flat with a supported living arrangement would help. With an appropriate diagnosis, your daughter should be entitled to carers who can support her in any way she may need. I do think that you need to address her mental health issues first, as living alone could lead to much increased anxiety (which in turn will heighten her OCD issues, you may even find that your daughter has way more issues with anxiety, which she copes with now because you are there to help).

Does your daughter have a room on her own? Can you make it a family free zone? Perhaps your landlord would allow you to install a key lock, you could each have a key and she would feel more secure/ like she has privacy. Although I would stress the importance of her not locking the door overnight in case of fire.

theautismblog.seattlechildrens.org/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-and-autism-spectrum-disorder/

www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/problemsdisorders/obsessivecompulsivedisorder.aspx

senmagazine.co.uk/articles/articles/senarticles/is-autism-different-for-girls