Splitting up the kids ?

[Pisssssedofff]

Basically DS and DD3 are really close.
DD2 is no trouble at all and DD1 just needs peace and quiet and she's fine too.
I am seriously considering buying a flat for DD1 16 now and DD2 when she's 16 and parking them in it.

Their dad is fucking hopeless.

We are all going around the twist with the fighting, lack of space, lack of privacy etc.

I just hate the idea of splitting them up but it's going to happen eventually right ?

Trifleorbust you missed the post about the violence towards siblings then ?

But you know even that I'd manage if it wasn't for the fact that I just don't think she's happy living with us, they certainly aren't happy living with her, my son drew a picture of her as his sad place for SS

The thing is if you gave her her own place you are setting a precident, all your other kids will expect the same.
They wont want to share
They will see it as favouritism if one gets bought a flat and they sont at the same age.
And she is getting rewarded for her behaviour. Her own place.
How well do you think she would look after it?
How much would insurance be, buildings and contents.
How will it be furnished?
Council tax, gas, electric, phone, internet, tv licence, food. How is that to be paid for?

In the short term, if you have this spare cash why not rent a slightly bigger place

I didn't miss that at all - I just referred to it directly. The violence is the issue. Fruit isn't the issue.

What is making you think she is unhappy living with you, rather than you being unhappy living with her? Everything you are saying makes it obvious that you want rid of her. Nothing you are saying makes it obvious that she wants to leave.

She's said she wants to be an only child. She's not and can't be, so what's the answer

ratspeaker I've answered all of that, my other kids just aren't like the eldest, different dads different personalities etc. If I rent a bigger place, it fucks everything up long term

Kids say things like that all the time. Every day. Half the teenage girls on the planet spend most of the day wishing they were only children and saying they hate their parents. It is normal.

Can you describe the violence with a little more pertinent detail?

" If I rent a bigger place, it fucks everything up long term."

This is partly why I am questioning your motivation. She is your child now and what she needs from you, she needs now. You are prepared to have her live on her own in a flat as long as it doesn't cost you money, but you aren't prepared to spend your money to actually make your family's living situation more bearable. This is strange. It makes it sound like the thing you care most about is yourself. You're trying to treat a 16 year old like a fully grown woman you are no longer responsible for.

She gets very stressed and reacts beyond reasonably, for example the dog jumping on her bed, most people might moan sure, she took the dog down stairs, kindly, she would never hurt an animal. Then returned upstairs pinched her sisters throat to hurt her because apparently DD3 had left the door open to allow the dog up - no evidence of this at all btw - stripped her bed entirely - 9pm at night and then slept with no bedding. I just think we stress her out with our human habits

And the violence in that situation - pinching her sister's throat - is unacceptable, but what is your issue with her stripping her own bed?

And again this is what makes me laugh about Mumsnet because when I've posted before about trying to understand university options k get told in no uncertain terms my 16 year old can make her own choices, is s grown woman etc, it's laughable !
Of course I am my number one priority because if I don't look after myself I can't look after anyone else, my oxygen mask is going on first

My issue with her striping the bed is it's not a reasonable response is it really, it's totally over the top

So? It doesn't affect you.

Why does it matter if she strips bed? Her choice.
I wouldn't sleep on a bed a dog had been on either

"Of course I am my number one priority because if I don't look after myself I can't look after anyone else, my oxygen mask is going on first"

And with that, I am done. You sound like a horrible person, OP. Your poor daughter probably doesn't know which way is up.

It affects me because I have wash it, but aside of that its just the whole dramatics it's upsetting for everyone, late at night over a small thing.

Why do you have to wash it? It's her bed?

I don't accept that I have a lot people depending on me and am juggling a lot of people's needs

Well sounds like you've made your mind up OP. There's obviously not a single other possible solution to this problem so go ahead.

GoofyTheHero my concern is if I rent this larger house and that will swallow up any inheritance and the possibility of a stable home for the younger two kids, what if things don't improve. Then we truely are stuffed

What is this inheritance you keep mentioning?

It's only the house money, from the family home

We aren't talking millions. It's all very well saying I need to live for the now but no, I have a youngish child I need to support, I cannot sail his security up the river for the eldest's needs. That's just irresponsible. And yes I want a roof over my head when they've all left home, how awful of me

I don't understand why you can't use the house money to buy a new house? That's your best bet for security.

I think you should give her an ultimatum - I'm sure you have before but you must mean it - that she pulls her socks up and reins in her nasty behaviour to the younger children or she leaves.

Give her a definite date by which this will happen (January 1). If she doesn't turn things around - and it is only her who can choose to change her own behaviour - then she'll have to go into a bedsit or shared house. You can use the money you have to help pay the rent on that. I certainly wouldn't have her dictating the mood at home and potentially ruining the childhood of the others.
I say this as someone who had a very similar teenage DD. She went into a house share. I helped pay the rent - not all but some of it - and took her food shopping but to all intents and purposes she was on her own. She came home after about 7 months a changed person.