Going on a Bear Hunt - we're going to get through it!

[madamehooch]

As a previous poster on a wonderful thread which has been a real lifeline but which has now ended, this is a new thread for anyone who has been subject to the misery of having an extremely long term relationship (20 plus years ) end. It's a place to find support and congratulations for whatever tiny steps are made and a big non-judgmental hand hold to help us over the inevitable bumps. There will be little LTB on this thread as usually he's already left us (smiling through the pain is always encouraged )😀

great advice Kirk

I realised just recently how I don't have the resentment feeling. Even though, for example, I'm doing all of the washing up (I should get the DC to do some, but I'm being far too soft on them) I don't have that huffy feeling about it. And I don't have the feeling of expectation on my shoulders of what I 'should' be doing or worrying about what I've forgotten to do (in trying to be the good wife).

Strange also how we experience the same feelings - going from feeling invicible to totally broken.

Hope everyone has a good day today. We're bloody awesome we are

Can I join the Bear Hunt please? Not quite as relevant as the rest of you as my divorce was 13 years ago after 29 years together (23 married). How I wish there had been a Mumsnet then! (Perhaps there was but I didn't know about it).

From my perspective of 12 (well 14) years of separation and at the grand old age of 61, what have I learned?

(1) I should have kicked him into touch after his first affair instead of wasting another 8 years. (Mumsnet would have advised me better).

(2) I should not have agreed to stay together (knowing our divorce was inevitable) for a further 9 months. This was because our 2 DC were in their exam years, but in effect only benefited him by allowing him to go on dating sites to line up my replacement.

(3) I should have told both our families much sooner and not kept it all secret. He had his new gf (I can't help but think of her as OW although technically I suppose she wasn't) to confide in - I had nobody.

(4) I should have confided in my family about the first affair. My parents say now that they would have encouraged me to leave him and would have supported me.

Now I would have very different advice to someone in my position from the advice I gave myself over 20 years ago.

Oh ... and something else

(5) I should have got back to dating after a couple of years - I feel it is too late for me now. I am still happier alone than I was with him in those last 8 years though. It is good to know that you can be happy on your own - which I hope will be comforting for some of us.

Just to pick up on something Kaitlin said, something I've been meaning to say for days but the time wasn't right.

Here goes - I'm not of the opinion that dating/being in a relationship/having a partner etc is necessary in life. And I think it's entirely possible to get over the breakdown of a relationship without having to date etc.

It's ok if that's what you want but it's equally ok if it's not what you want. Just don't be forced into it by well meaning people who say oh you should be out there having a great time etc etc etc. if you know it's not for you it really is ok. It does not mean you are frigid or miserable or some kind of weirdo. And most importantly of all it doesn't mean that yourcsome poor soul who never got over your husband and never bothered with anyone ever again.

ohdear - yes that is oddly enough one of my main worries; that people (or worse still, ex) might think that I have never got over him. I SO have!

I have been advised to go on dating sites - but, you know what, I can't be bothered, so obviously I am not missing a man in my life that much. Having said that, if a nice guy my age turned up I wouldn't mind a bit of companionship.

trouble is, all the guys my age are looking for women in their 40s and 50s

It's kind of nice to be able to watch what I want on TV or do and eat what I like (or I will be able to when my son moves out - I more or less do now though).

Exactly Faff the cycle of expectation/resentment is exhausting. I hadn't realised while I was in the midst of it.

Kirk I wouldn't be surprised if mine stuck with OW tbh now I've made it clear that I'm proceeding with the divorce, can't imagine him toughing it out on his own.

Kaitlyn thank you for sharing your experience, it helps to know people have come through this type of situation and are happier at the end of it.

And yes, we are bloody awesome

God. If I had a pound for every time someone says 'you'll meet someone else' I don't want anyone else. I get lonely but I'm truely not looking. It takes a long time to get over a relationship of 24 years. I'd rather be on my own forever than actively looking for a replacement. If someone came along them fair enough.
Kaitlin yes, I do see what you mean, if people see you single then you must be pining. I actually still am, it's only been a couple of months, but I still don't think that finding another man is the answer.
I've actually had a bit of a wobbly day today, I'm trying to 'keep on keeping on' but it's hard, especially when STBX is swanning around without a care in the world, with my replacement. I'm not yet at the stage where I wish him well! I think it's because I took it upon myself to decorate, and I don't like what I've done, so time to repaint! Xx

Tonight I want my husband back. Not the lying, cheating one, but the one that I thought I had.

I was feeling much better at the beginning of the week but I am very sad and lonely tonight.

I wouldn't take him back if he begged me but I miss him so much tonight.

I'm not bothering with OLD, or any of that malarkey either, I did join OK Cupid, but haven't replied to any of the messages. As you say, it's expected that you find another man to replace the one that left, and if you haven't then there is something "lacking" . Maybe in time I'll change my mind, but I'm happy on my own atm.
I can do what I want when I want, and don't have to answer to anyone.
Tbh, I think I am "damaged" by what happened to me. I'll never really trust a man again the way I did my ex of 27 years. My "twat radar" is finely tuned, so they would have to be an exceptional example of manhood to get through the Hobbit defences... :) and looking at the pool I've got to choose from at my age, it's not looking good...

Tapir, I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

I've been in the UK for two weeks overseeing some work on my house. It hasnt gone well, and what with that and the weather, and missing my children and grandchildren it's not been easy. And that's where I get really confused because whilst I know why I'm down in the doldrums I always end up thinking about 'that' and all my thoughts and feelings are diverted from the real reason for my low spirits. I bloody hate it that even 4 years on it's all about 'that' even when it's not.

The brain is a really funny thing and the same thing happens to my son who has the most dreadful of complex needs. He gets upset about something but it's like a switch is flicked in his mind and his thoughts go back to a traumatic time in his life about 6 years ago. It's like years ago when we'd have a record and it would get stuck on the turn table and it would just go on and on and on, never moving.

I have theory but to be honest I can't articulate it but I do speak to my sons neuro pyschiatrist about it - not that we've come up with an answer. I think it's all about trauma. Something happens and that is your default setting for upset for years to come. I may be talking nonsense though

Anyway I'm leaving for the airport about 2am and I'm determined to enjoy the last few hours in my house. So I bought two wee bottles of Proseco (I'd normally polish off a large bottle in my own) and I'm sitting watching Masterchef, after that it will be GMOOHIAC before having my shower. Simple stuff really, but it's lifting my mood. Do you try and do wee things to lift your spirits?

Tbh, I think I am "damaged" by what happened to me. I'll never really trust a man again the way I did my ex of 27 years. My "twat radar" is finely tuned, so they would have to be an exceptional example of manhood to get through the Hobbit defences... smile and looking at the pool I've got to choose from at my age, it's not looking good

Hobbit - this is exactly how I think. I feel now that I have been inured to "charmers" and men with the gift of the gab for example. Also no longer attracted to drinkers or smokers. The list could go on

ohdear safe flight - where are you heading back to? Your theory is interesting, how one moves beyond the point at which things change is maybe key to their recovery, but how does anyone know what they're doing in the midst of the trauma??

Tapir sorry to hear you've not had a good day, hope tomorrow is better

My arsehole STBXH took the DC to see the Christmas lights switch on tonight, only because I told him they wanted to go, and he brought them home by 8.15 because he couldn't miss poker which starts at 8.30. He even had the bloody cheek to ask me to drop him off as "having the kids had made him late" He truly cannot put anyone before himself. I would have always taken him (without question, wtf??) before we separated but tonight took great pleasure in simply saying "no"

And what on earth is GMOOHIAC ??

Great thread everyone , I too am damaged and don't know if I want to have another man , yes they think I am pinning too , but I am good enough for today , good night everyone on here ❤️ Tomorrow is another day on our shitty journey 😘

To be honest, I don't see myself as damaged, more wasted - all those years of love without it being properly returned - and would love to meet someone who deserved me. I know one thing though, he'll have to bloody worship me to make me interested

Forme I think it must be Get Me Out of Here I'm a Celebrity (although I always thought it was the other way round - with the I'm a Celebrity bit first)?

Anyway I could be wrong - I often am.

Ahh isnot thanks for flowers keep working through it if it's worth it you will be ok , forme I am with you on that it will have it be a great man to turn my head , never say never ! By the way thinking about a beach wedding with all you as bridesmaids lol 😂

I don't think I am damaged, but will certainly approach any potential relationships with a different view. I'm not sure that I will ever be able to trust anyone 100%, to me it seems foolish to do so.

Incidentally, has anyone tried mindfulness? I am taking a course and finding it quite interesting. I don't find it easy, particularly on my own but I can see how powerful it could be.

Yes faffy , mindfulness books and silent mindfulness has been a one of saviours x

I've downloaded the Headspace app and am trying to do it regularly but only managed about the first five sessions. There's a good sleep one which I've used several times when I've struggled to drop off. And you can set reminders so twice a day I get a random message with a mindfulness quote. I would recommend it, I got a special offer of 99p per month for three months otherwise it's about £10 which I wouldn't pay but if you google Headspace offers you should find it, if you're interested.

Thank you for the flowers Isnot, some for you too while you work through things.

A beach wedding sounds perfect Kirk, count me in

What I've learned so far from the course is that mindfulness is lots of different things. So it can be meditation (which I'm guessing is what the headspace app is?) but can also be spending time totally focussing on what you are doing. So you can brush your teeth mindfully or eat food mindfully. Target is to work up to 10 minutes a day.

It's also about recognising thoughts and associated feelings and dealing with them (haven't progressed to that yet!)

The teacher keeps recommending glitter jars as a good way to calm down if you're feeling stressed or anxious, they are small jars filled with glitter glue and water (I think that's it). You shake it up and then watch it as the glitter settles.

Prompted by another thread I've read on here, I am having a bit of a dilemma. So I wonder what you lot would do.

My STBXH had an affair with a woman 5 years ago (and he suspects she had other affairs after that). I don't know her or her husband, but I saw on Facebook that they are clearly still together. I have no idea if the husband knows or not. I feel really awful that he probably has no idea.

I've thought about contacting him, not because I want to cause trouble but because I think he deserves to know.

Ohhhh that's a complicated one , I am on the fence with this one , yes he deserves to know he might know and be ok with it , but for you it may make you drag up all that history again ??????

I ended up shouting at 'Andy' on the headspace app! I suspect I wasn't, and am still not ready!
My stbxh is just making life hell for his dd and me. He doesn't pick on the other three because they tell him to fuck off. I live with him in my head every day. I got out of the shower this morning and whilst being chuffed to pieces that I could have a shower at the time I chose, I got upset when I went to use my deodorant afterwards because he used to claim that I was trying to kill him by using it because he'd choke to death on the smell, through a shut en-suite door and he was on the other side of a large double room! Stupid little things.
I do agree though that I don't want anyone else. I never ever want anyone in my space again dictating when I can and can't sleep, what I can and can't eat, when I can do housework, etc. The quiet life for me.

I thought about doing it anonymously, so I wouldn't get involved (although he may just not believe it). I've only found out about this affair recently, so it isn't dragging up the past. I wish I'd known about it sooner as I could have ended things then and be in a better place by now.

faffalotty, when I found my husbands "latest" woman's husband on Facebook I messaged him to make sure that he knew. He did and had known for months, apparently he'd been dithering over telling me. I wish that he had.