Going on a Bear Hunt - we're going to get through it!

[madamehooch]

As a previous poster on a wonderful thread which has been a real lifeline but which has now ended, this is a new thread for anyone who has been subject to the misery of having an extremely long term relationship (20 plus years ) end. It's a place to find support and congratulations for whatever tiny steps are made and a big non-judgmental hand hold to help us over the inevitable bumps. There will be little LTB on this thread as usually he's already left us (smiling through the pain is always encouraged )😀

I wrote out a huge paragraph earlier, and deleted it because I'm not even sure I'm supposed to be on this thread. Mine was always abusive, although I didn't recognise it initially, that doesn't seem to be the case with everyone else.
Sorry for intruding.

Dawn get it on here , if it needs to come out put it down as long as it's not abusive about any of us Hun 😂

Dawn - everyone is welcome here. Please post if it would help. Xx

Morning all

Sorry to hear you had a bad day yesterday hooch hope things are better today.

I've been feeling more stable the past week and survived the weekend, keeping very busy. I agree with NC being the way forward . I will admit that I had been looking up X on social media (and also the current OW that he still won't own up to). She had prevously had a profile pic of the 2 of them and I think I was checking to see if there were any more photos. Why? I can't explain it! Anyhow, I've stopped doing it now and it is really helping me to detach.

My X was always away a lot and so the DC are used to not having him around. Although not living with him is obviously a much bigger change than that. I'm not sure how much they communicate by text etc. We don't have fixed times that he sees them, it was very scarce for the first few weeks but now seems he's trying to see them at least for a couple of hours every weekend.

Good work faffy , I too used to track his iPhone right up to July this year for 16 months after he left me and he is not on Facebook but I would check her site , drive past her house as it's just off a main road , I was definitely emotionally all over the place , oh goodness it was so hard for the past few months I don't do any of it and let me tell you all oh I am a different woman , I have stopped all these behaviours that were harming only me ! No contact is hard but it's worth it ❤️

Well I had been doing a lot of online searching when my suspicions started in January this year. So it had become a habit for me.
It's taken me a while to realise that it doesn't matter any more. It's not easy as I do seomtimes still have the urge, but I'm fighting it!

I confess to having looked up the 'sort of a date ' but all of her facebook and twitter pages are too secure and I'm certainly not sending her a friend request! Do you think breakups were easily in the days before social media?

I think mobile phones/internet have made it -
easier for people to conduct affairs
easier for them to get caught
harder to handle breakups

My dad had an affair and she is now my step mum ( and yes I actually love her after 33 years with my dad ) I thinks it was easy for them to hide away but not for my mum as the not knowing the true information killed her , she got a new partner who is lovely but she has never recovered from being a victim and is so weak , we all get on like a house on fire as my mum never make it difficult for us kids , she never called my dad but went out and acted like a teenager and I became mum to my bro 6 years younger than me I was 17 , she is not a strong person and has been on antidepressants since and I think they have numbed her some what ! TBH I am living their divorce again along with my own , I never wanted this for my kids 😢 I have had 12 weeks work counselling free and paid for private too , I have a library here of self help books , and yes the bear hunt book from the private counsellor she gave it me as my mantra last August ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Dawndonnaagain mine was abusive (personality disorder) but the whole demise of our marriage has been blamed entirely on me- even though he was at the pub for 80% of the time (hence the new romance with a barmaid)
Hooch pleased to meet a fellow Southampton fan! And I know exactly what you mean about the moment that you wake up, the initial waking, then bam the realisation hits you again!
I've been obsessed with all forms of social media, checking her out on Facebook, looking up her family. It's pointless and it rubs salt into already open wounds! It doesn't change the facts, that these men are terrible fathers, and give up so much for a pathetic mid-life crisis.
Kirk123 my STBX was always selfish, his own needs came before everyone's, he couldn't see why he should have to do things with the kids, he found it boring! (Because us mums really bloody enjoy concerts, football, parents evenings, nativities, we don't find some of it mind-numbingly dull😂!)
So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he has nothing to do with them now. (He'll be father-of-the-year to her daughter, just because he's trying to impress at the moment!)
Faffalotty I think mobiles and social media has brought out the worst in people, I mean when I was young, the only way you could contact someone was on a landline, now you've got access to people from for ever. A lot of times the past should stay the past, it's not natural for people to be in contact with so many people especially exs! 💪🏼💪🏼

Thank you. I'm having a bad day today, nasty texts from him and difficult calls via a very poorly dd who could do without it. He too has a personality disorder - Borderline Personality Disorder and yes, everything is my fault.
Grrr!

Dawndonnaagain snap. My STBX has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder too. It's a complete nightmare. I can only sympathise with you. It's like banging your head against a wall! And then you question your own mental health! ❤️

Sorry you've had such a bad day Dawn. Very cruel and cowardly of him to use your DD as a mouth piece.

Yep Lou, still questioning my own sanity!

Thank you madamehooch!

Sorry you've had a bad day dawn. Hope tomorrow is better. Also hope you find posting on here helps.

Having spoken about not looking things up online... Sometimes they just come out at you. Happened to me this evening. Suggested person to follow online popped up...

won't give details but ended up in tears and texted X. Mistake!! Sent another text to tell him to ignore but obvs too late. I've calmed down now. Annoyed with myself. Also I'm now awake later than I want to be!

I've been wobbling this week despite being sure that I've done the right thing by filing the divorce. STBXH has realised what he's thrown away and I know would come back if I suggested it but I have realised that, while it still hurts unbearably at times, I am better off without him. That is so hard to say as he was my best friend for 23 years, we were together 24 years but with hindsight I have realised that the last year was different. Maybe I was caught up with work, children, etc etc and neglected him but he also neglected me and sought affection elsewhere.
It brought it home to me today as I had to have a minor op and the hospital staff asked if I had anyone to pick me up. Saying no, that I was getting a taxi was so hard. Things like that get you out of the blue don't they?
Anyway, sorry for rambling. I just need to get it out. All my RL friends think I'm doing so well, which on the whole I am, just days like today you need someone who knows what you're going through.

Oh forme , you sound like me , mine would too , I beat myself up all the time as I too was concentrating on my daughter who was ill at the time he sought attention elsewhere , I too knew I had to be strong as it would be easy to go back and brush it under the carpet , but I know deep down although I too lost my best friend he wasn't my soulmate as soul mates wouldn't have left me , he has been mentally cruel to me too , I wont forgive him for that bit , but I will feel sorry for him as he has lost everything , silly man , obviously this last chapter I may find my soul mate ❤️🙏Night God bless virtual friends

Forme

I know. It is the smallest things sometimes that catch you out isn't it?

Sure is just keep taking a day at a time ❤️

Thank you Kirk and Faff, one day at a time...

Forme I feel the same way about the demise of my marriage, I know I neglected my husband too, but I admitted it, and was willing to try and do something about it, but instead of working on our marriage, he chose to throw 24 years away for a barmaid he's known 5 minutes.
I have no regrets, I would have been different, I realised my mistakes, my faults. But he would never admit to being in any way to blame (in fact if he didn't go out drinking as much as humanly possible maybe I wouldn't have ended up resenting him so much, and I wouldn't have been so tired, doing everything)
I hope you feel better now after your procedure, it is times like that that you do feel alone. I just miss my best mate!
Xx

Thank you Lou apart from a cracking black eye (cyst removed from my eyebrow) I'm feeling fine.

That's exactly it, they've thrown away 24 years and for what? He's already told me that he's trying to get out of the relationship with OW (added complication of being her supervisor at work) so he's basically left us for the thrill of what might be and ended up in his parents spare room by himself. Fucking idiot.

Oh, and the resentment Lou, are you feeling the relief of not being resentful yet? I hadn't realised how draining that was. Yes, I'm still doing everything I always did but without resenting the fact that he's not doing anything I don't find it all as hard.

That's one positive anyway!

Forme I did everything then, I do everything now, with less washing and no arguing, so yes, that is a plus I guess. And it's empowering to cope alone. I didn't realise how resentful I was, that impacted on my libido, and my health. (Which could have been sorted)
I just wish that these men thought about the damage they cause with their shallow ideas of the 'perfect' relationship. All relationships are exciting in the beginning- twats! X

Forme , my ex too was her supervisor at work lol , he kept saying he wanted to end it , I kept supporting this by text so my kids would have their dad back , guess what he left the job worked elsewhere and yes you know what he is still with her , now saying it's easy for him and it's better than being on his own , and then I see he is on the same dating website as me and is always online 😡
Lou and forme I agree it is very empowering I feel like super woman at times , then go right back down to failure mode and narrating my own story that I will live alone forever 😢 However time is making it better and as I keep saying no contact is the way forward girls if not they will slowly grasp you back by pushing your buttons and saying they are sorry and won't do it again ! Until the next time that is , marriage without trust is no marriage at all . Keep strong my Mumsnet friends x