Going on a Bear Hunt - we're going to get through it!

[madamehooch]

As a previous poster on a wonderful thread which has been a real lifeline but which has now ended, this is a new thread for anyone who has been subject to the misery of having an extremely long term relationship (20 plus years ) end. It's a place to find support and congratulations for whatever tiny steps are made and a big non-judgmental hand hold to help us over the inevitable bumps. There will be little LTB on this thread as usually he's already left us (smiling through the pain is always encouraged )😀

Evening WTAFF, sorry to hear your counselling session was hard but hopefully it will be worth it. Are you feeling any benefits?

Hi Kirk and Faff, hope you're ok this evening.
Ohdear, sorry to hear you're not well, sounds very sensible to rest up and not get any worse.,

Misswilla, every one of us makes the decision that we think is right for our family at that time. No one can say what is right and what is wrong. My mum took my dad back after an affair and they really should have split, which I think has definitely influenced my decision to not give my STBXH more than five minutes before I told him to leave. It's so hard for us all, whichever way through we try.

Forme - I'm not sure. Sometimes I feel like I'm moving forward and others I feel overwhelmed. My counsellor tells me that I have suppressed my feelings for too long and it's going to be hard to change my way of thinking.

Have a nice evening.

Thanks WTAFF, spent my evening doing my tax return and wondering how much all this shit is going to cost me financially, never mind emotionally.

I had counselling last year (unrelated to marital issues) and my counsellor described the process as imagining you were a jumper (bare with me!) having to unravel yourself and untangle all the knots before you could re-knit yourself. Sounds a bit odd written down but it really made sense to me and brought it home that it really isn't a quick or easy process, unfortunately.

In fact, I think I could do with seeing her again...

Hope everyone else has had a decent day

27 years+. He ran off with 21 year barmaid, predictably she has left a year later. He is very lonely and over leveraged. He is now trying to "persuade" me it is in mine, and our children's interests to sell the house. Despite assurances to the contrary. And apparently I am not providing a nurturing environment for our children, judged on less than one hour in my company after not seeing for a whole year, as I seemed angry and defensive?????

Hello.

I'd like to join this thread too, if I may? I have posted my long and sorry tale on another thread here if anybody is desperate enough to read it. Guaranteed to cure all forms of insomnia.

Basically, at the beginning of the year, STBXH (54) announced out of the blue that he was leaving me. Two weeks later he had moved into a flat with OW - a 28-year-old co-worker. I instigated divorce proceedings and these are ongoing.

I'm struggling hugely at the moment and am finding it so hard to keep on going. It's useful to read this thread and I take comfort in knowing there are so many other women going through the same thing.

I recognise some of the usernames on this thread - hello to those who might remember me.

Tartan, I remember you. I've though of you often. I posted on your thread but under a different name.

I'm sorry you're struggling. It's bloody horrible, isn't it?💐

MissWilla, I stayed with my husband after the 1st time, then the second time, and almost the third time, till I thought to myself - you're better than this and if you don't get out now you'll end up in a psychiatric hospital. The situation was also destroying my family. It was me and my adult children and the chance of a better life, or mistakingly hoping he'd settle down one day and life continuing to be a misery with no nice memories to think about in my old age - I chose the former after my children said to me 'take our hands and jump'.

Is that of any help to you? 💐

Bubble just ignore the twat. The fact he criticized you is proof in itself you're doing a great job. Don't forget that when he looks at you and sees who you are, it's a reflection of everything he's not.

Hello everyone I've not posted for a while and just catching up on the thread. Bubble - can you tell us more about how your X's "persuasion" methods? Would be interesting to see the type of language he is using. I think I would have taken my husband back but he made it clear that wasn't an option so a clean amputation for me. A year on the fog has cleared but it is hard to look the rest of my life in the face and think that this is it. I would like a new partner and to feel that comfortable feeling of belonging again but don't want ever to become a domestic drudge again.

Ohdearme - take our hands and jump- how wonderful! Your children sound amazing.

Ohdearme - that's lovely, what wonderful children.

I know that feeling of 'get out now or...' It's a scary move to make though. Bravest thing I've ever done.

Disappointed. Apparently as I have been asking him to come through on pension promises I need closure, we are not married, no rights at all. He sees selling the house as financial closure, but it is my only asset, once that is gone I have no leverage. He knows that, hence saying things like it would be better for children to live nearer school. We are settled, moving forwards. My son has struggled, had to give up sixth form, he is now doing really well on a college course. Both my children are happy, contented and progressing. He keeps saying it is better for us to face upheaval now, rather than in 18 months time. He has consistently promised he will not seek to sell the house until they have finished further education. The children and I know we have to move, but have been working towards 18 months finishing their education, not now. Springing this on us just before Christmas is consistent with his timing, ie. To cause maximum distress. I am standing my ground, he is threatening to force the sale. Nearly took an overdose last Sunday, called Samaritans, I will not do anything to hurt my children, but really loosing the plot again. Have been on antidepressants, had counselling, etc. I know in the long run whatever happens family is more important than money, he will end up very well off, but alone.

Bubblebath my story is virtually the same, my STBX has abandoned his family for a 25 year old barmaid after 15 years married (24 together) he's 45. It's so hard, I've been that low, a few weeks back, I'm now on 2 anti-depressants and feeling a lot more positive. I'm so sorry that he's adding insult to injury by trying to hurt you financially as well. These men should come with a health warning!
tartanbuggy I've read your thread, what do these women see in these old blokes honestly? I'm sorry that you're feeling so down, its relentless, it seems to be one knock after the other, you endure the initial shock/grief then there's the legal/financial minefield to negotiate! And none of this is what we planned/envisaged for our futures. But we will be the winners in this, I know it! These men will reap what they've sown eventually. 💪🏼💪🏼

Hmm, I think I might well be joining you soon after 21 years at age of 54. , its my 2nd marriage. still at the not 100% knowing stage about suspected affair but stuff has been happening that I dont like and doesnt sit well gut wise. Its going to come out in the next few weeks though. I had been holding off for xmas but its difficult as the person I suspect is my assistant and works with us both from our house (luckily part time) just having her here whilst i am gathering evidence is f**ing me off big time and trying not to show it. Im not sure long term what i want, I havent really felt affectionate for a long time for all kinds of reasons, stressful business, husband who has anger management issues and I do think he sees me as a bit of a cold fish in terms of affection/sex , but definitely not in other ways. I think what a lot of these men particularly in 40s and 50s want is an ego boost/more sex in many cases and it gets out of control. In my husbands case he is quite an emotional kind of guy and good looking and fit , hence women warm to him and it all goes too far emotionally . Im not sure I can live with someone in that situation even if they want to carry on its a difficult one for me as its likley if we split then my job goes at the same time and its an interesting quite glam job and I am responsible for building our business but all the underlying knowledge/skill is on his side. I certainly wouldnt be rushing into meet anyone though, to be frank I would want a good amount of time to clear my head and its likely I will say I am moving out for 6 months to see how we both feel and to do some stuff just for myself, whether he wants reconciliation or not. Luckily my 18 year old son is working and in a house share. Certainly when I look at other guys our age on FB (and I have a lot on my page because of the business we are in) to me they all look grim as hell compared to him ! Think I would rather be single or meet someone 10 years younger!!!

Hi everyone in bonny Scotland on a course , why do I try and press I am watching and it doesn't email me these threads 😡
, tartan I have missed you , everyone who is new on here I have just read your threads and I can't bloody believe what shit we have to put up with , tossers I too am holding onto my house by a thread until my ds finishes uni next summer . But he will have to fight me to do it , that's a long story for another day. Bubble bath take strength from us all and we will hold your hand , Mumsnet has saved me , however as you can see still can't bloody sleep , in a massive big hotel bed with fab pillows and bedding and still dreaming about that tosser . 31 years and still feeling sad and lonely , I would like a nice new man but I don't have the courage to find one, so so scared , my life has changed beyond recognition and it's so so hard to manage my money , be strong for my kids really adults every day . Btw due on first grandchild in 2 weeks and I will probably have to see him and I want to punch his lights out , oh yes and I still on the emotional rollercoaster from sad to bloody 😡. Keep strong everyone these bastards won't beat us , back to sleep now as if !!!!!!

Kirk, there really is nothing anyone can say to all of that heartache 😔. But I do promise you that when your grandchild arrives you'll feel a lot better. I had just started to go through things when my first grandchild arrived, though it was years before I made a move, and to be honest she saved my life. Not that I'd had notions to harm myself - she just made my heart feel joy again. I have loads of grandchildren now and I know there will be more. I thank God everyday that I'm allowed to be hands on with them and they are part of my day to day life. I read things here at MN about children belonging to the parents and people not wanting extended family to share in their care and I feel 'beam me up scottie' - what is that all about.

Of course they do a lot of things differently now - one of my wee ones is 27 months old and has never had sugar. Of course he has fruit, but he has never had anything with sugar as we know it. Even his muffins are made with apple sauce. It took a bit of getting used to but I just accept it and follow my daughter in laws lead. She's a wonderful girl and we're lucky to have her. I do get to do other things my way because some things never change but I can tell tell you that dipping a hard as buggery healthy cookie into a sneaky saucer of tea with your nana is not the same as a digestive or ginger snap 😂

My grandchildren are a huge part of my life. Without them and my darling boy I'd have nothing because I've never worked. So thank God I'm allowed to be the nana I alwayscknew I wanted to be because I'd be well and truly stuffed if I wasn't. This bloody awful physical feeling we have in our heart. Its like walking around with a broken leg that's technically healed but still causes pain. So I see my grandchildren, I'm involved in their daily lives, I think about them, and my heart lights up - just as yours will. Your going to love being a .....??? What are you going to be? Granny. Nana. Grandma?

Oh and I think you'll find it's easy enough to orchestrate a visit to the hospital around grandad. We went through the motions with our first grandchild to be born after we separated but it really was a charade and a few months later when the next one came along we actually forget to tell him until much much later in the day. It was very much a case of - bloody hell who told dad? There was no malice intended. It's just that we knew he'd gone and was no longer really part of us so our subconscious took over.

I've rambled on and on but I think you'll get the gist

Xx

Oh dear what a lovely lovely message ohdearme, I bet you are the best grandmother , I am going to be nanny as my mum and grandma are still alive so lots of grandmas for our blessed gift xxxx

Hi Kirk

Stay strong indeed. Sounds like you have a large family, I hope they are supportive.

Focus on today and enjoy it. This is the only 25th November 2016 that we'll ever have!

Faffa, Disappointed, thank you. Yes, I'm pretty lucky with my children. 😊,

Sorry haven't caught up with the thread over the last day or two.

I know that the weekend can be tricky for some of us so I hope you've all got something exciting planned

Hi, can I join in? Some of the things you have said on here have really resonated with me. So, today is the only 26th November 2016 I'll ever have. I am working on untangling this jumper and hopefully will be ready to start re-knitting soon. My husband of 12 yrs (together 17) left last week. I have been crying on the phone to him every day since. Today I'm going to take my children's hands and jump. And be strong from now on!

Tennisball , we are holding your hands and we will be by your side through your bear hunt, be strong a minute at a time and breathe , crying on the phone to them we have all been there and maybe will be again , but today you are allowed to take back some strength and not cry to him , I promise you this will get better my lovely , one day at a time is all it takes , don't write a story of your future in your head you don't need too, take control of the things you can control , you will look back and I know you will survive , this thread will help you , we have been right there in you shoes , it's a roller coaster of emotion but tennis you deserve to be loved and not abandoned , I am sure I speak for us all we would be priveledged to support you today and every day , sending you the biggest hug ever for being so bloody brave❤️❤️❤️❤️