Going on a Bear Hunt - we're going to get through it!

[madamehooch]

As a previous poster on a wonderful thread which has been a real lifeline but which has now ended, this is a new thread for anyone who has been subject to the misery of having an extremely long term relationship (20 plus years ) end. It's a place to find support and congratulations for whatever tiny steps are made and a big non-judgmental hand hold to help us over the inevitable bumps. There will be little LTB on this thread as usually he's already left us (smiling through the pain is always encouraged )😀

Hello Hobbitwife - lovely to hear from you Yes, I can definitely relate to the Bah Humbugs! The DCs all rallied round yesterday to make sure we had a lovely time - and we did - but there is still the elephant in the room. We didn't speak about it at all, but I'm sure we all thought about it. I hate the way it has made us all so awkward with each other

You are right about the perfect family sham! Such a pity it is rammed down our throats at Christmas. I always feel sorry for people who have suffered loss or bereavement or just received bad news at this time of year. It's bad enough at the best of times, never mind having to be surrounded by manufactured cheer and goodwill.

You're right, it's hard for people to understand unless it happens to them. There's almost a comic book element to the phrase "He left his wife and ran off with a younger woman". If I think about that phrase I see a Sid James type of character running off with Barbara Windsor in a Carry On Film. As you say, the devastation and hurt it causes it just immense. And it ripples out causing lots of other hurts that you don't see coming. I don't know what he has said to his family about the split, but this Christmas there has been absolutely nothing from any of them, not even a card. I think they have sent gifts for the DCs via STBXH and he will have given them to DD2 to distribute. But absolutely nothing to acknowledge my existence at all. And in the past I was the one who organised buying the gifts for his family, wrapping and posting them and organising flowers and wedding presents and the like. Now it's as if I'm a leper. It really hurts on top of everything else.

Still in negotiations about finances, but will have to sell the house when DC finish college. I don't particularly want to stay now, but it will be hard when it comes to putting it on the market. I'm also a bit worried about finding somewhere else and how to afford to live and what to get. I'm on a very low wage and not exactly the right age to start training for a new career. Anyway, I am sure my solicitor will help me get the best deal.

Oh, yes, will also PM you - couple of details that it's probably best not to put out in public forum.

Hope everyone has survived Christmas intact. We managed fine, even panto.

Been reading through, just like to say karma does exist.

It's 18 months on for us, he is now lonely, financially and job wise struggling. Had to spend Christmas with his mum and grandad.

I have a job I love, financially things are tight, but we are coping. Both children prospering and developing into people I am proud to call family.

I have some fab friends, the last month has been really active and enjoyable.

Ok, last Christmas wasn't so good, but this has been great.

Tartan, I retrained as a nurse at age 50, well return to practice, only six weeks after finding out and him leaving. You can do it, what have you got to lose? I have so much job satisfaction now.

He, meanwhile, is stuck in a job he hates, however well paid.

Xxxx

Hi all

I agree with the problem of people thinking that there's a timescale for dealing with it. I'm in a new house (been here 3 months) and people seem to think the issue is just getting used to the house. or that it's just the logistical side.

These past few days have been hard. I won't go into all the details, but it's upset me and I've dreamed about him every night, often angry with him. And woken up sad, angry, confused.

I'm waiting to hear about counselling, I was referred in early November. That will at least give me a different person to talk to, I've only got a couple of people in real life I can turn to and I try not to do it too much.

Sorry to hear you've had a bad few days Faff, dreams are bastards because you can't control them but they stay you with long into the next day dredging up all sorts of crap.

Hope you hear about your counselling soon. I'm seeing my gp tomorrow to ask for a referral as I know I also need someone I can discuss details with over and over if necessary and am wary of boring RL support. Am dreading the appointment as I know I'll cry throughout but hopefully that will convince her to refer me.

Also am taking DD for a girly appointment straight after which was a Christmas present and which she is really excited about so can't look like I've bawled for an hour!

I'm just keeping responses about whether I had a good Christmas to a neutral "it was good, thanks". No one wants to hear you say it was awful.

I recommend counselling, faffa my love, I paid for it privately, ( through the joint account) . It did help to talk it all through with someone impartial, even though at the end of the day, there are no real answers or reasons for hurting us. They did it because they wanted to and their "happiness" was more important to them than ours.
I thought he was having a breakdown, I was ill with worry, but it was just his guilt, and all I got was denial and deceit. I know you are still in the midst of his strange actions and behaviour. Please for your own health and wellbeing, cut all contact and look after yourself.

Faff Robbie Williams wife has formed a new girl band on instragram you will like them

I did I did see a counsellor through a work scheme in the Summer, but didn't find her all that good. She would say things like why don't I go out with a group of friends - making me feel even worse as I don't have a group of friends to go out with!
I don't want to think about the past, but how to cope with things that come up now and how to build my self-esteem back up.

Faffy , Christmas is done now , mine was rubbish too , just taken all decorations down as ds and I just want 2017 to come , I like hobbit paid privately but I had CBT to raise my self esteem , this is a rollercoaster and it lasts for how long ? I take 1 day at a time , 1hr sometimes , I try and get thoughts of ex out of my head and live my life the best I can , I too thought my ex was ill but realised after I kept trying to mend the broken him I realised he was breaking me instead . I am off now for 3 days and I work NYE and NYD and I can't wait for 3rd Jan when lives are back to normal whatever normal is faff , we will never get bored with you in here as we are on our bear hunt together xxx

sorry for the stutter at the start of that post!

I paid for it privately, ( through the joint account)

So did I. I claimed it back every month as unspecified medical expenses.

I thought it really funny that my husband was paying for me get inside his head and work him out.

Thanks kirk It's good to be part of the bear hunt gang

Things were going fine for me till late on Xmas eve when I realised his 'friend' would be at his house when the DCs were going on boxing day. Sent me into a spin. Spoilt my Xmas.

Feel ok today. Keep reminding myself it is what it is. Dont fixate on things I have no control over.

I found counselling useful, it that it gave me an outlet. But like others not sure how useful it is long-term, but it gave a focus for several weeks.

I'm writing a bucket list of things to do, nothing extreme, but trying to focus on myself, things I want to do, and things I can reasonably achieve.

Faff, I spent far too long fixating on things I cannot control. My kids are away with his family at the moment, I hate that I feel they might try and "manipulate them", but I know i need to let the kids find their own path through this.

I'm trying to be "grown up", but I want to scream and shout and let people know it's not ok. I feel shit, it's getting less, but it's still there. X

Sounds like a good plan Bubblebath - we have to look at the positives and create our own happiness. I'm thinking of going on a trip abroad on my own next year.

I do sometimes get those urges to scream and shout.

I really do think there should be support groups for people in our position. You could have a group chat to start with on how everyone is coping. A bit of unadulterated screaming and shouting and then some meditation and relaxation. Ending with a group hug.

Just wanted to share this. From a mindfulness journal I got for Xmas

Hi BR

How are things with you?

Just wanted to post a quick message to wish you all a better year.
Congratulations to Kirk on the arrival of her granddaughter. So happy for you.
Thinking of you all always.
Onwards and Upwards xx

Also thought I'd swing by to wish you all strength and success in 2017. May the twats who inflicted this pain get knobrot. Or something similarly hideous. KOKO.

Good luck to you BR. Hope things work out for you.

Thanks for the messages of support. The bear hunt continues

Here's to another year and let's remember today , how strong we are , how kind we are , how fabulous we are and we are good enough today and everyday . Love to you all my virtual friends ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Happy new year to all on this thread.

The bear hunt does indeed continue and I thank you all for your support so far. We can do this, we will do this - we will get through it!

I have consciously adopted a new mental attitude for 2017 - I am sick of crying and feeling sad so I have decided that I won't. It's working so far

Happy New year everyone.

Unfortunately, I've found the first days of this year really hard. When I think I am making progress suddenly I am right back where I started from. I am back to disbelief and grief. What happened to my lovely life and to my lovely husband? I am daunted by the idea of having to fight for a fair financial settlement (no guilty conscience apparently) move house, probably twice and live by myself.

Sorry to put a downer on the new year already.

Hi Tapir

Don't apologise. The new year isn't some magical cure-all, really we just went from Saturday to Sunday.

Personally, I have a lot of memories now resurfacing from last year. From early January I started finding out things that STBXH was hiding from me. So I completely understand. I've also got the consent order to sort out at some stage in the next couple of months. I have at least already done the house move.

I think that even when we are feeling down, struggling etc. we shouldn't apologise or berate ourselves. It is what it is.

Too true , I have to take my ds for private counselling todAy , I fear he will not get through these last months of his final year , a big meltdown over Xmas , he has buried so much 😢