Going on a Bear Hunt - we're going to get through it!

[madamehooch]

As a previous poster on a wonderful thread which has been a real lifeline but which has now ended, this is a new thread for anyone who has been subject to the misery of having an extremely long term relationship (20 plus years ) end. It's a place to find support and congratulations for whatever tiny steps are made and a big non-judgmental hand hold to help us over the inevitable bumps. There will be little LTB on this thread as usually he's already left us (smiling through the pain is always encouraged )😀

It is so unfair.

Hardly anyone knows what my STBXH has done. His family don't and I don't think he's told more than 1 or 2 friends. I do sometimes get urges to publicise it when the hurt hits me again.

Faffalotty out of interest, why are you keeping his secret for him - especially from his family?

Faffalotty I told everyone about my STBXH's cheating and that my "friend" was involved. I thought that everyone should know the truth about what kind of a person he really is. Everyone has been shocked and disgusted and very supportive (except for the previously mentioned friends). I also sent a letter to his mother - got no response though.

I don't see the point of letting people believe his lies - he's lost plenty of friends over this too and I am glad.

I don't really feel that I am keeping a secret. I don't see any of his family, to contact them just to tell them would seem that I was just doing it out of spite. If they contacted me and asked me then I would tell them, but that hasn't happened.

Actually, I have had contact from PILs regarding DCs and presents. MIL has been very ill (was touch and go at one point) so I'm not going to add to their problems by telling them. Imagine finding out that your own son had behaved like that.

Ah - well now that you explain I understand why you haven't. Especially if your MIL is ill.

I kept in touch with my MIL - used to call her my Mother-Out-Law - we exchanged Christmas and Birthday presents and saw each other occasionally and spoke on the phone. She died earlier this year and it seems odd not to be buying her a Christmas present this year. She did know all the circumstances though.

It's only galling if his family are told a different story and therefore believe that you are in the wrong.

I don't know what he's told them or his friends.

I did realise earlier today that one reason I haven't told anyone is because that's what we agreed. Although that was at the stage of us possibly staying together.

After that it was because as he said 'everyone would hate him if they knew'. And I dutifully followed. I've noticed how influenced I was by him when we were together, I've experienced problems with making decisions on some issues since we split. It's made me really anxious at times. All part of the manipulation that I've experienced I think.

It's really hard to break that sort of behaviour.

I can relate to that Faff, I find myself apologising for things that don't warrant an apology!

I saw my STBXH today as he brought DD home and wanted a chat about Christmas presents.

I asked him why he hadn't returned the acknowledgment of divorce petition and apparently he's put it all in the hands of his solicitor, as she has advised him to do. He is desperate to hang on to his pension and even said today "It's my future, I have to protect it", I'm still trying to formulate a suitable response to that 2 hours after he left. TWAT.

I told a handful of people what mine had done shortly after he left and he was furious. Insisted he hadn't left for OW, but because we were "broken", despite being with her less than two weeks later.

Why should we protect them and their reputations when they are such selfish pricks??

TWATS

(Sorry, I'm raging this afternoon after the pension comment - there you go, I'm apologising again )

He does sound like a complete twat. And why hasn't the solicitor returned the petition? I hate this general belief that women become money-grabbing during a divorce and are just out to get as much as they can. They don't understand the concept of a fair split.

Don't apologise they are all Dispicable horrible cruel TWATS , lies lies and more lies every day 😡

I've decided this evening that I'm going to tell my parents. Even though it will be upsetting for them, I believe they would rather know.

I've got to do what I think is right not what he thinks I should do.

You mean you haven't told your own parents either Faffalotty?

I am sure they will be upset, but they will prefer to know because how can they support you properly unless they know the truth?

It's difficult isn't it - we still think we are being disloyal even though they have been anything but loyal to us.

My ex, when we knew we were splitting up, persuaded me to carry on as normal for nearly a year until the kids had done their exams. I could have carried on as normal without too much difficulty, but what I didn't realise was that carrying on as normal to him meant finding my replacement on line and then visiting her on another continent on two occasions (paying for it via our joint account) whilst I perpetuated the lie here to our children and his family that he was on a course or on a stag do. Arse. But I did it - and for why? So he wouldn't look bad.

Sometimes the hardest thing to get used to is that you are no longer a team and he is no longer on your side.

No I haven't told them. It didn't seem a big deal, but I'm starting to feel the burden of it. One reason I didn't tell them was that I didn't want them to feel let down by him too.

That last line you wrote is so true. When you've been a loyal partner for so long it is hard to stop. And they are shocked at you if you do - they just expect it.

Faffalotty why haven't you told your parents? If you don't think they'll support you and you may end up having to comfort them then I get it but i hope they're decent people who will help you.

Re my stbxh's solicitor, he only sorted one out last week, despite me filing the divorce on 4 Nov, and his fear over his pension is down to the fact that I'm currently the higher earner by some way. I'm sure he doesn't think it's fair that I get half but he's also pushing for a share in my business which is absolutely nothing to do with him and is way more risky than his gold plated pension. I don't have the secure future that I thought I was going to have because of him. And he seems to think it's ok not to have given me more than £70 a month for our DC since he left in April because I "can afford it"

TWATS

Kaitlin yours in particular!

I hope it goes well telling your parents Faffalotty. I think it is the right thing to do.

And yes, they are all twats!

When my stbxh turned up at our house just after I'd found out about all the cheating and the lies, he was very put out that I hadn't been keeping his post for him! He just expected that I would have still done him a favour and handed it all over despite everything. I just laughed at him and told him that he was deluded.

Still no sign of a financial disclosure form or offer...

I've decided to postpone telling my parents. We've got birthdays, Xmas and New Year to come and I don't want to put a downer on celebrations.

Anniversary tomorrow. I've got tickets to go to the cinema with younger DS in the evening - celebrating the relationship I have with him instead.
Incidentally I was talking to him the other day about whether I'd change my name and said something about still being married. He was surprised, he thought we were already divorced. I'm not sure if he just thought it automatically happened when you lived apart! Anyhow, it was nice that it wasn't something that had troubled him.

Plans finally confirmed, I'm going to be on my own for Boxing day (daytime and night). I was planning on going out for a long walk (I do walk quite a bit). But I've got a suspected stress fracture in my foot and have to rest it. Argh!! Alternatively I would have gone to the gym, but that will obviously be shut. I have lots of decorating to do, so maybe I should just concentrate on that. Need to keep busy!

How's everyone today?

Hi everyone , I have a beautiful granddaughter who came into this world today , I am blessed to have a Christmas angel to love , however a little sad as I am all alone ! I will survive ❤️

Congratulations!!

Lovely news. Hope mum and baby well

Great news Kirk, congratulations and hope are doing well

Congratulations Kirk :)

Got through my anniversary in one piece. In fact had a good day 😊

Each day is just another today.

for you faff, not much I can say beyond that

Surprise surprise , new grandchild has started the "I want to come home " and I will always love you etc etc , why can't I just wipe away past 2 years !!!! Answer because you didn't keep your dick in your pants !! Prick !

Jeez kirk

It's the selfish entitled attitude showing. I think anyone who has an affair has that and they expect it in many areas of their life.

Oh Kirk, using my favourite word at the moment- he's a twat x