Going on a Bear Hunt - we're going to get through it!

[madamehooch]

As a previous poster on a wonderful thread which has been a real lifeline but which has now ended, this is a new thread for anyone who has been subject to the misery of having an extremely long term relationship (20 plus years ) end. It's a place to find support and congratulations for whatever tiny steps are made and a big non-judgmental hand hold to help us over the inevitable bumps. There will be little LTB on this thread as usually he's already left us (smiling through the pain is always encouraged )😀

All ok with me , that's my silver lining too tapir , not obliged to see dreaded inlaws or boring miserable sister and princess daughter !!!

Hi, what's everyone's experience of socialising at coupley events? I'm lucky that a lot of my nights out have always been with groups of girls but coming up to Christmas, a few invitations to things that would usually be couples. Best avoid or go for it?? I'm worried I'll feel like an alien or worse still, people will pity me and presume I need looking after (maybe I do??)

If you'll be amongst friends then go.

I'm in the process of trying to make new friends as I've ended up quite alone. Make the most of any friends you have.

Definitely go of you have friends who know the situation.I think sometimes being out of your comfort zone will give you strength.

Can you get home alone/be independent if it does feel overwhelming?

Stbxh wanted to spend Christmas day together (for dc) but I just think it would be too uncomfortable.

Thinking of you all.

I was clearing up leaves on Sunday when ex arrived, stopped to make lunch: soup, oven baked rolls, and melted camembert. Then once lunch was finished resumed leaf clearing.

Interestingly my son chose to sit in his chair at dining table, ex had to sit in son's place on bench.

Ex stated he had offered son access to his home, wanted him to go round to watch satellite films. Offered chocolate biscuits. My son said " if I want chocolate biscuits, I can buy them at the garage". Enough said.....

Ex commented on how organised I was with Christmas, noticed the pile of presents under the tree.

We are settled, stable and moving positively forwards. I don't feel any quarm of guilt as to his current misfortune.

I really admire some of you ladies for your ability to include your ex, regardless of their past behaviour. I have tried, but it is simply not in my own interest to continue to include him. I need to eliminate his presence totally.

I will never stand in the way of my children maintaining a relationship with him, but I can not, I have tried, he has abused it. I will not invite him to my home again, I have only done this for my children's sake, they need to sort it amongst themselves.

My son voted in June, he is technically an adult. My daughter is in lower sixth. It is not down to me to persevere in this, it is down to him.

I have bought presents for his mother, family, etc for Christmas, from my children. They have decided to travel independently to visit at Christmas. Although their father will be there.

Last Christmas we went away. This Christmas full on Christmas dinner at home, and panto Boxing day.

My children will then be away for 3 nights with his family, I have encouraged this and I will cope with things. I'm sure his family will come to appreciate his lies and misinformation eventually.

Busy week ahead, so many concerts to attend... take care

I'm having a bit of a low day today. Sometimes it feels like one step forwards and two back.

I know it's just because I am tired today and haven't slept well this week. My wedding anniversary is coming up soon too.

Up until now there's been paperwork and stuff to do and I have been in charge, but now I am on hold waiting for court stuff and financial stuff and there's nothing I can do to speed things up.

I am going to try to get to the gym again tonight, even if I don't do much, it will waste some time and might make me sleep better.

Some of you are being so reasonable with your STBXHs, the very thought of mine makes me feel sick still. I can't wait for the day when what he's doing or thinking are completely irrelevant to me.

virtual hug for you Tapir

I had a bit of a dip yesterday and a little cry in the car on my way home (that used to be a daily occurence). I'm going to watch some amateur dramatics farce this evening ,which should be a distraction although not sure if it will be any good!

I find the gym is my life-saver at the moment. makes me feel so much better about myself and I listen to rousing music on my headphones and even dance about a bit when no ones looking!

Weekend is here again. How is everyone?

It occurred to me last night that I could be on a cycle of emotions. I checked my calendar and it was 6 weeks after moving that I had a big meltdown. Prior to that I'd had coped ok but had been on a downward trend.

I'm finding it harder to cope again, although I'm holding it together the low points are becoming more frequent again. It'll be another 6 weeks next week (and wedding anniversary). Feel a bit nervous. Am I imagining things or has anyone else noticed anything like this?

Another odd thing is that through the months of hell I haven't been ill at all. Given the stress of it all, lack of sleep and not eating well, I should really be picking up every bug going.

Well it's Saturday again and still no baby grandchild for me , had an awful week sprained my ankle on crutches , cried a river this week , however I have decided that I will never ever have him back and I really don't love him anymore ! I have put my Xmas decs up as last year my first year without him I put nothing up . I have come off all my antidepressants slowly as I want to feel emotion when this baby comes ❤️ Still taking a day at a time and today I am going to rest , I hope you all have a great weekend even if like me you are just breathing and thinking xx

Morning Kirk and Faff, and everyone else of course.

I've been absent from the thread this week as have been working away but have been reading and following how every one is.

That's an interesting theory Faff about the six weekly thing, I definitely feel like I'm in a cycle of up and down but haven't actually looked at it against the calendar so don't know if there's a real pattern, I'll try and back track and see if it's similar.

I've also been pretty low the last few weeks, probably something to do with the time of year and it being the first Christmas since he left. He's trying to be friendly and my MIL is on at me to give him another chance. I've been polite but firm with her but it's getting to the point where I am going to have to tell her to stop interfering.

Saying he's trying to be friendly but he still hasn't returned the Acknowledgement of the divorce petition, despite it being served on 4 Nov. My solicitor has chased him again and threatened that the next step is for the bailiff to deliver it, which will obviously have a cost attached. He's got his work Christmas do tonight and will be going no with OW as they work together. Would it be mean of me to text him to remind him about the divorce?? I won't anyway as am continuing to try and stay above reproach.

Sorry, I've rambled! Have a good weekend everyone, and fingers crossed for the safe arrival of your grandchild Kirk

The DC and I are getting our tree later and will enjoy decorating it together (hopefully won't be too hard) but WE'LL GET THROUGH IT!!

Forme , my friends ex did the same re petition it was sent april this year and he has only signed it 4 weeks ago , why do they stall so much it's just cruel 😡 Oh yes I remember now they want their cake and eat it , don't want to divorce so they might be able to come back TOSSERS ! Stay no contact with him forme , he doesn't deserve you , Christmas will be hard but remember it's one day only , last year I survived with the love of my family , I had a few sherrys and went to bed feeling very proud of myself , enjoy doing your tree together , you are a new little team , btw your ex mil wants you back together as it's easier for her , remember it's all about you, whilst he goes off showing off his ow you are being so strong and dignified ❤️️ I too will look st the 6 week thing ???

Faffy , it's a rollercoaster , up down and a roundabout. It's shit but as they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger , you haven't been poorly because you are stronger than you think faffy !

My theory is likely a load of bollocks

More likely is that it is just impending Xmas ness and all the messages rammed down your throat in songs, films, adverts etc about spending time with the one you love.

I thought there was some rule with the divorce petition that if you didn't return it within 21 days you are deemed to have accepted it and the petitioner can continue to apply for nisi?

You have to have evidence that you have tried to contact them , letters emails etc ?? Or it costs you to get a court bailiff to take it too their house , but they can't make them sign it either that's why I believe I could be wrong though so don't quote me ❤️

Government website says

In most cases, if you don’t respond within 21 days, your husband or wife can continue with the divorce as if you’ve agreed. Contact the divorce centre or get legal advice to if you’re not sure.

• bit vague

Hmm, I understood it that the respondent had to at least acknowledge the petition, which is all I'm asking for at this stage. My solicitor sent quite a strongly worded chaser also suggesting that if the bailiff had to get involved then any costs would be passed onto ex. I'm trying for no contact but it's tricky with childcare and Christmas arrangements, not helped by him working shifts so not able to commit to regular days.

We got the tree and put it up very successfully with some festive tunes on, my DC are wonderful, think we were all trying hard to enjoy it. And looking back, there's been plenty of years when just us 3 did it anyway so it actually wasn't such a big deal.

Hope all have had a good Saturday evening, whether in or out x

Forme - has he got a solicitor acting on his behalf?

Yes he has finally engaged one who has left a voicemail on my solicitors answerphone saying they have been consulted by him and will be in touch once he has given them his instructions. Not sure what that means! I will have to see him tomorrow so will ask him what the delay is, unless I chicken out and just text him....

It's 2:30am and I am awake again. I am so fed up of being awake at this time. Has anyone found anything that helps?

During the day I am mostly ok but at this time I struggle to see the point in anything.

I have lost almost all of my local friends because he was shagging one of them, despite all of the evidence, the others believe her denial so, even though I have done nothing wrong, I am the one feeling alone.

My far away friends have been wonderful but they are too far away for me to turn up on their doorstep when I am having a bad day.

I wish I knew why he thought it was ok to treat me like this, what I did to make him think that I deserve this shit.

This time last year I had no idea and was happy. I wonder where my nice life has gone, then remember that it was all lies.

Sorry for posting such a downer but I have never been so close to emailing him a sad and pathetic message and I really don't want to do that.

I know everything will seem better in the morning but first I have to get there.

I really hate my life at the moment. I am very glad of this thread to post on. Thank you everyone.

And it's 6 weeks on Wednesday since I found out about his cheating...

And then, to top it off, when I finally got some sleep I dreamed about him!

Bloody hell tapir , typical dreaming about him , let's call our next thread 6 weeks and going strong , so pleased you didn't email him , you know those local friends they weren't friends they are tossers if they are not speaking to you , you will find new friends that made me very angry too 😡 We are all here for you to lean on , no baby yet girls 4 days late , I need this baby for me to cuddle ❤️

Hi tapir

Sorry to hear you were awake in the night. 6 weeks post discovery I was still in a right mess and not sleeping well at all. I have tried listening to things - from YouTube : white noise, guided relaxation / meditation also tried a podcast where someone tells a boring story to get you to sleep.

I think the main thing is to accept that this will happen and to have some distractions ready to use. Some people get up and do things like housework.

Ruminating is just like picking at a scab. We find it hard to resist but it's counter-productive and delays the healing process.

Hi Tapir hope you're feeling better in the cold light of day and proud of yourself for not sending an email?

Six weeks really is no time for you to have got your head around his betrayal, or that of your friends, no wonder you are feeling shit. I have tried to rediscover my love of reading to help with the sleeplessness but find that I can't concentrate for more than half a page before my mind wanders back to the situation....sorry, that doesn't help you does it?!

I think Faff's suggestion of listening to something is a good idea, I've found the Headspace app's sleep module useful too.

Dreams are really tough, cruel really but maybe not surprising when they're on our minds so much, whether we want them to be or not.

Kirk fingers crossed the baby makes an appearance today x

Hi everyone and thank you for your kind messages.

I am very glad that I didn't email him last night. I do tend to switch the light on and read if I am awake in the early hours but last night I couldn't concentrate, my mind was going round & round.

I am feeling a little better today and hopefully will be tired enough to sleep better tonight. I'm going to investigate some meditation apps later on.

It seems so unfair that I've lost my husband and my friends (she wasn't the only one he was cheating on me with) whilst doing nothing wrong but he gets off scott free. I am going to seriously consider moving away from this area once our finances are settled.

I hope there's good baby news for you soon Kirk