Good morning everybody. Another day dawns and yesterday can just sod off. What a crap, crap day.
I do feel a fraud! Honestly, I was drunk and I had been drinking vodka and coke through a straw. Scout's honour 
. However, looking back on the last time I was absolutely pissed, there is a bit of a difference. It was after the last mediation session and I was so upset that my friend took me back to her house where I downed a lot of wine. An awful lot of wine. I vaguely remember eating something and then "just resting my eyes" on their sofa. Apparently I requested a bucket in case I was sick and then fell fast asleep. My friend and her DH sat watching a documentary and she told me later that every now and again I would grunt, stir, mutter "Fucking bastard" and go back to sleep. The DC phoned me to find out where I was and my friend had to answer my phone. They then put me into a taxi, took me home and propelled me upstairs. I only have vague memories of the evening, but I have been told that I was not sick. So, yes, I guess I wasn't pissed like that last night. A bit inebriated, then.
What did you do in the public library faffalotty, or is it better not to ask?
When I woke up this morning my eyes were still really puffy from all the hysterical crying I did yesterday. All crusty and red round the edges as well. Hungover hair and I think I must have scoffed some Yule Log because there was chocolate smeared up my cheek.
I phoned my brother and his wife last night as well. I cried and ranted down the phone to them for so long that they had to speak to me in shifts 
. I feel guilty, but that's the thing isn't it? It is now nearly a year since STBXH left and to me the pain, grief, fear, confusion et al is still very fresh and very much to the fore. To other people, though, it is just something that happened a long time ago to me and things have moved on since then. I don't blame them at all; I'd probably be no different. A very wise poster once warned me that something like this would probably happen. I find that the only people who really get it are those who have been through it themselves.
I still find it hard to understand that these twats can cause such hurt and grief, seemingly without any remorse or guilt. My STBXH seems to feel that he was perfectly justified in seeking out happiness and that it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't made him so miserable. As for OW, I have no idea if there are any pangs of guilt or shame there at all. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy and that reminds me of a quote I saw somewhere that the worst thing about this type of betrayal is that it is not perpetrated by an enemy but by somebody you trusted. Can't remember the exact wording, but it rings true.
Hope everybody is feeling a bit better today. I think we manage to hold it together for the biggies - Christmas Eve and Christmas Day itself - and then everything gives way under the strain on Boxing Day.